The Simpsons Quotes

The Simpsons is a Animated sitcom that appeared on TV in 1989 on Fox Broadcasting Company. The Simpsons ended in 1970.

The Simpsons was on for 30 seasons. It features Dan Castellaneta; Julie Kavner; Nancy Cartwright; Yeardley Smith; Hank Azaria; Harry Shearer doing voices, Danny Elfman as theme composer, and Richard Gibbs (1989-90) as composer. The Simpsons is executive produced by Collapsible list The Simpsons is created by Matt Groening.

The Simpsons is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Simpsons is 21-24 minutes long. The Simpsons is produced by 20th Century Fox Television; Gracie Films; The Curiosity Company and distributed by 20th Television.

The Simpsons Quotes

(Moe) "William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe joke that would really make you think."

(Moe) "We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver."

(Homer) "I must have a Guardian Angel."

(Mayor Quimby) "Oh no. Without the booze these guys all remember how much they hate each other."

(Bart) "Tell us a story, Grampa, you've led an interesting life."
(Grampa) "That's a lie and you know it. But I have seen a lot of movies --"

(Mayor Quimby) "Remember, if anyone asks, you're my Niece from out of town."
(Unnamed) "I am your Niece, Uncle Joe."
(Mayor Quimby) "Oh, Good Lord, I'm an abomination."

(Principal Skinner) "Your nutrition and education programs just created a generation of Supercriminals."

(Unnamed) "I've invented this isolation tank, it's state of the Art."
(Grampa) "Interesting, how much do you need to build it?"
(Unnamed) "It's already built, that's the beauty part. I just need $200,000 to buy a baby to raise in it. I have this theory he'll grow up maladjusted, harboring a deep resentment towards me."
(Grampa) "Sounds pretty stupid, but it's the best I've heard so far."

(Bart) "Eat my shorts."

(Apu) "Poor Mr. Simpson. I wonder if my Kwikie Mart is in any way connected to his wretched Health?"
(Unnamed) "Could I have five packs of salted jerky, please?"
(Apu) "Would you like some Vodka with that?"

(Ned Flanders) "No. His sin was thinking that women are beautiful."

(Homer) "Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I Mooned for rebuttal."
(Marge) "Yes, I remember."

(Lisa) "There will be no Springfield in 20 years. The sea levels will rise, drowning the lowlands. Fields that once fed the World will be reduced to Deserts. And in the New Ninevah, DARKNESS FALLS."

(The Rich Texan) "Yee-haw."

(Mr. Burns) "Bah. Fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make America independent of sheiks, caliphs and Scandinavians."

(Unnamed) "This is the Life we Chose."

(Unnamed) "That was from a Dream Sequence. It never really happened."
(Bart) "None of these things ever really happened."
(Unnamed) "Get out of my Store."

(Unnamed) "We have alcoholics too. But ours are thin with ropy muscles --"

(Homer) "Just give me a ticket."
(Unnamed) "Maybe we don't feel like giving you a ticket. Maybe we feel like hauling your ass in."

(Chief Wiggum) "Why are the pretty ones always insane?"

(Unnamed) "Where are the bodies?"
(Unnamed) "Such a beautiful day. I think I'll go for a walk. Excuse me while I jump out the window."

(Unnamed) "Take my room-mate away, he's dead."

(Homer) "Let me give you this fatherly advice: go emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends, bye."

(Unnamed) "My God. That woman's swallowed a baby."

(Bart) "The Internet wrote my Essay, and I handed it in."

(Fat Tony) "Take care of him."
(Louie) "Do you mean "Take care of him" or "Take care of him"?"
(Fat Tony) "Take care of him."
(Louie) "Now I don't know what to do, and if I do it wrong he'll take care of me."

(Homer) "Stupid Flanders."

(Unnamed) "I gets my brain medicines on the Naational 'ealth."

(Marge) "We've got to get you away from these violent influences and into Church."
(Reverend Lovejoy) "And then the Belshazzemites did PIERCE the eyes of their foes and feasted upon what flowed thereforth."

(Homer) "Shut up, Flanders."
(Ned Flanders) "Okily-dokily."

(Lisa) "Is there something I can do to change my DNA like sit on a microwave?"
(Unnamed) "-- Not according to any movie I've ever seen."

(Mr. Burns) "Simpson, eh?"

(Lisa) "First Prize. First Prize."
(Bart) "What are you doing?"
(Lisa) "Just messing with your mind."

(Bart) "Don't have a cow, man."

(Bart) "I got a rapid heartbeat from KrustyBrand Vitamins, but this will not stand."

(Chief Wiggum) "Esquilax."

(Bart) "What's a Muppet?"
(Homer) "Well it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a Puppet, but boy-oh-boy. So in answer to your question, I don't know."

(Homer) "Spider poison is people poison?"

(Reverend Lovejoy) "I just stopped caring. Fortunately by then it was the 80s and nobody noticed."

(Moe) "I'm so desperately lonely."

(Krusty the Clown) "I'm not the kind of Dad who's much fun. But the love is there."

(Moe) "My only friends are the Ghosts that came with this Bar."

(Homer) "Wait a minute. That's not something people really feel --"

(Grampa) "I'll be glad when we've buried the last of you Hepburn types."

(Homer) "You know your problem, Flanders? You're afraid to be Human."

(Unnamed) "Mr Hopkins, so sorry, but tonight your pizza, she can't be done."
(Unnamed) "-- Damn you."
(Unnamed) "DAMN YOU TO HELL."

(Mr. Burns) "Smithers, unleash the League of Evil."
(Mr. Burns) "My League. What happened to my beautiful League?"
(Waylon Smithers) "Even Monsters need air, Sir."

(Marge) "Just when things were at their lowest --"
(Grampa) "I realised I could make extra money selling my medication to Dead-Heads."
(Marge) "Grampa, what are you talking about?"
(Grampa) "Er -- nothing."

(Otto) "I never realised British Coal Miners had it so hard. There's blood on your hands, Mrs Thatcher."

(Kent Brockman) "Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for seven years --"
(Unnamed) "Hic. Kill me. Hic. Kill me."

(Marge) "How could he go so wrong."
(Homer) "We did everything we could for him during the commercials."

(Marge) "Hrrrrrmmm."

(Homer) "If that's your World, I don't want it."

(Mr. Burns) "Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?"

(Troy McClure) "l hate every ape I see"
(Troy McClure) "From chimpanA to chimpanZ"
(Troy McClure) "So you'll never make"
(Troy McClure) "A monkey out of me."

(Unnamed) "This is a great day for me. I thought Id never teach again."
(Principal Skinner) "Well, thinks have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock."

(Ned Flanders) "Science is like someone who tells you the end of a movie before you've watched it. I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things."

(Bart) "Homer, your half-assed underparenting was much easier to put up with than your half-assed overparenting."
(Homer) "But I'm using my whole ass."

(Kent Brockman) "So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?"
(Kang) "It makes no difference who you vote for. Either way your Planet is Doomed. Doomed."
(Kent Brockman) "Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole."

(Homer) "Immigrants are the glue that hold together the gears of our society."

(Mr. Burns) "Summon the Shire-Reeve, wake the Beadle."

(Homer) "Ah, they got me with their Legal Mumbo-Jumbo."

(Unnamed) "Ugh, Dead Poet's Society has ruined a Generation of Educators."

(Unnamed) "He's a good kid, he's just weak. Both morally and in the upper body --"

(Unnamed) "Are Sonny and Cher still doing that stupid show?"
(Kent Brockman) "She won an Oscar and he's a Congressman."
(Unnamed) "Good night."

(Unnamed) "I'm tryna slim down so's I fit in Momma's Coffin."
(Unnamed) "That's my re-ward."

(Robert Goulet) "Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager --"
(Nelson) "Your manager says for you to shut up."
(Robert Goulet) "Vera said that?"

(Sideshow Bob) "Hello, Bart."

(Unnamed) "How now, brown bureaucrat?"

(Unnamed) "Get down from that bookshelf. Most of those books haven't been discredited yet."

(Unnamed) "I don't know if it's the saltwater in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've really taken a shine to you. You're like the son I never had."
(Homer) "And you're like the father I never visit."

(Unnamed) "I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from."
(Moe) "Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times."

(Unnamed) "I'm good at pretending to do stuff, as if I don't know there's a fight going on."

(Unnamed) "Oh the plain and simple facts is, I want to raise your taxes, and make your children Gay --"

(Lisa) "These are my friends, grown up nerds like Gore Vidal."

(Homer) "It's because they're stupid, that's why everyone does everything."

(Unnamed) "And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed."

(Unnamed) "If I ever find you, I will thank you for teaching me the futility of all Human Endeavour --"

(Homer) "Will you raise my kids in the Christian tradition?"
(Unnamed) "Well -- Coptic Christian."
(Homer) "NOOOOOOOOOO."

(Homer) "Lousy _ --"

(Unnamed) "It tastes great. And my phlegm feels looser --"

(Marge) "Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone."

(Marge) "If I don't fight him tomorrow, you kids will have a more violent future."

(Lisa) "Sometimes I think I was born into the wrong family."

(Principal Skinner) "Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult."

(Unnamed) "They made me do tricks like a common seal."
(Unnamed) "Can you put it behind you?"
(Unnamed) "No. Here's the plan --"

(Bart) "Why are we best friends?"
(Unnamed) "Because our seats were behind each other at School."

(Unnamed) "I hate manatees almost as much as I love tattoos that look like barbed wire."

(Unnamed) "30 your natural lifespan."

(Bart) "We're rich, Homer. What shall we buy first?"
(Homer) "A Singing Rubber Fish, of course."

(Unnamed) "Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death."
(Lisa) "But you can't stop them from having their fun."
(Unnamed) "They should have had their fun before they got here."

(Agnes Skinner) "That's Love, Seymour, and I'm glad you got to see it once before you die."

(Homer) "What's the matter, can't you afford an icecream?"
(Unnamed) "Yes, but I'm lactose intolerant."
(Homer) "Son, I will not stand for intolerance."

(Homer) "Hey, Weiner Boy -- where do you think you're going?"

(Homer) "Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?"
(Unnamed) "You. Are. Acceptable."
(Homer) "Great, would you like to see me naked?"
(Unnamed) "Oh, there's no nudity in this movie."
(Homer) "What movie?"

(Bart) "Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me."
(Lisa) "It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering."
(Bart) "Wicca is just a Hollywood fad."
(Lisa) "That's Kabbala, jerk."

(Marge) "Homer, I couldn't help but overhear you warping Bart's mind --"

(Homer) "I see the light -- it burns."

(Grampa) "Homer, you're dull as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it."
(Homer) "Lousy traumatic childhood --"

(Mr. Burns) "What was I laughing at? Oh, yes, that crippled Irishman. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha."

(Homer) "But Lisa, if this works all Daddy's lies will be true. Don't you want all of Daddy's lies to be true?"
(Lisa) "I want a Daddy who lives in the real World."
(Homer) "To Daddy, the real World gets fainter and fainter every day --"

(Reverend Lovejoy) "Damn Flanders."

(Homer) "The Brain is so stupid."

(Unnamed) "You know why all this happened, don't you? Because I took my marriage for granted. You know in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework."
(Homer) "Oh yeah, you got to do that."
(Unnamed) "I could have at least stayed in shape for her."
(Homer) "Oh, and for yourself."
(Unnamed) "I could have taken just a little time to -- to make her feel special."
(Homer) "It can't just be sex. It can't."
(Unnamed) "God, I'm so self-centred. No wonder I didn't see it coming. That's how it is though; one day your wife is making you your favourite meal; the next day you're thawin' a hotdog in a gas station sink."
(Homer) "Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna' happen to me."
(Unnamed) "Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?"
(Homer) "Cause' Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken; a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine."
(Homer) "Marge, I'm home. Where are you? Are you OK? I don't smell dinner."
(Homer) ""Dear Homer" -- aw. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I've left you hotdogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink"."

(Unnamed) "I've devoted my life to second-rate science fiction, trust me."

(Bart) "Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby."
(Homer) "Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl."
(Grampa) "Keep your hands off of him Homer."

(Mr. Burns) "I like him a lot."

(Homer) "Enough with the Secrets and Lies. It's always Secrets and Lies."

(Homer) "Then I bonked my head on the table and blacked out. The Doctors thought I might have brain damage."
(Bart) "Dad, what is the point of this story?"
(Homer) "I like stories."

(Unnamed) "I'm going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has --"
(Homer) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
(Unnamed) "The bright blue flame shows that this was a particularly sweet donut."
(Homer) "This is not happening. This is not happening."

(Homer) "I'm sterile, right, Baby Doll?"
(Marge) "Yes, dear, from the Nuclear Plant."
(Homer) "Sweet."

(Unnamed) "This school is a glorified hamster wheel. These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life."
(Groundskeeper Willie) "It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest."
(Unnamed) "Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable. You must Drink, Always Drink."

(Unnamed) "Let's not listen."

(Homer) "Hi Fat Tony. Still in the Mafia?"
(Fat Tony) "Er, yes, Homer. Thanks for asking."

(Bart) "Ay, carumba."

(Leonard Nimoy) "What follows are lies, but they are entertaining lies. And isn't that really what we mean by true? The answer -- is no."

(Groundskeeper Willie) "Alright, I've taken all their salty snacks. Just like the English took all our sheep and our women in 1294. And then they gave them back. Which was worse."

(Grampa) "Ah, my first kiss. I remember it like it was yesterday."
(Grampa) "Uh-oh."

(Homer) "According to this test, you're both idiots."
(Unnamed) "Thanks, what do we owe you?"

(Professor Frink) "The Nobel Prize. It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient."
(Lisa) "Just for that?"
(Professor Frink) "It was a slow year."

(Homer) "Take that, Lisa's beliefs."

(Martin Prince) "I'm just as unpopular with the Ladies as I am with the Chaps."

(Principal Skinner) "Someone has been distributing counterfeit candy hearts with off colour sentiments on them. I would like to remind you that Valentine's Day is no laughing matter."
(Principal Skinner) "Writing a Valentine to your sweetheart, Johnny?"
(Unnamed) "You betcha."
(Principal Skinner) "Johnny? Johnny."
(Principal Skinner) "JOHNNYYYY."
(Bart) "Cool, I broke his brain."

(Homer) "Sanctuary."
(Reverend Lovejoy) "Oh, why did I teach him that word?"

(Kent Brockman) "And I, for one, welcome our insect Overlords --"

(Unnamed) "You've been safety inspector for two years now. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?"
(Homer) "Uh -- all of them."
(Unnamed) "I -- see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?"
(Homer) "I sure do."
(Unnamed) "Such as?"
(Homer) "Well, er -- well, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills."
(Homer) "Because -- a lot of workers really like candy."
(Unnamed) "We understand Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate."
(Homer) "Mmmmm -- the land of chocolate."
(Unnamed) "Mr Simpson? Mr Simpson?"
(Homer) "Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate."
(Unnamed) "That was ten minutes ago."

(Marge) "Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone."

(Unnamed) "Why would you learn that when you can look it up Online in seconds?"
(Martin Prince) "I've -- I've filled my head with nonsense."
(Unnamed) "Yes, you have."

(Homer) "Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening."

(Lunchlady Doris) "I can only give you Chewable Prozac for Kids in the shape of cartoon characters. I've got Manic Depressive Mouse, or the Bluebird of Unhappiness."

(Superintendent Chalmers) "I do not belong here. I am not bald, I am balding. Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?"
(Principal Skinner) "I respect the Ding, Sir."
(Superintendent Chalmers) "What in God's name are you talking about?"

(Homer) "Oh, boss. Look what we brought."
(Homer) "Gelatine desserts."
(Mr. Burns) "Oh, for the love of Peter. That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool"
(Mr. Burns) "went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop."
(Mr. Burns) "Well, toss it in the pile over there."
(Mr. Burns) "And make yourselves at home."

(Homer) "Alas, my gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety --"

(Lisa) "History is written by the winners, Dad."
(Homer) "I thought it was written by losers."

(Homer) "Now who's stupid."

(Homer) "In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women."

(Bart) "Snap out of it. You're Krusty the Clown. One of Look Magazine's Hundred Most Promising Clowns of 1958."
(Krusty the Clown) "A lot of suicides in that group. Funny suicides --"

(Ned Flanders) "Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourino."

(Krusty the Clown) "You, sir, are an idiot."

(Homer) "Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

(Unnamed) "The House always wins."

(Sideshow Bob) "And despite all the temptations to belong to other nations he remains an Englishman. An Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen GLISH Man."

(Ned Flanders) "Snake, what would your Momma say if she knew you were going around shooting nice people in the Brain?"
(Unnamed) "She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst mistake of my Life --"

(Moe) "Like my Uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot."

(Bart) "Culture's in Decline. Deal with it."

(Homer) "Which is society's fault because --"

(Mr. Burns) "Excellent."

(Mr. Burns) "Ahoy-hoy?/."

(Reverend Lovejoy) "Have you ever thought about one of the other major religions, Ned? They're all just as good --"

(Unnamed) "I always pretends to reads before I signs."

(Mr. Burns) "Would you care for some dangerous drugs?"
(Homer) "Well, if that is your custom --"

(Unnamed) "Sure I'm a Doctor, baby, and I can prescribe anything I want."

(Lisa) "Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?"
(Homer) "Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure."

(Unnamed) "My name is --"
(Ned Flanders) "Rod."
(Unnamed) "My hobbies are --"
(Ned Flanders) "Brushing my teeth, and Diabetes."

(Unnamed) "You see, kids today listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and their hoppin' and their bippin' and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see jazz is like jello pudding, actually it's more like Kodak film. No, jazz is like the New Coke, it'll be around forever, heh-heh-heh."

(Homer) "Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World."

(Unnamed) "To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff."
(Moe) "Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it."
(Unnamed) "To Nothing."

(Homer) "Wait, what did my Dad always say?"
(Grampa) "If you can't build a robot, be a robot."

(Marge) "We don't have room for another child."
(Homer) "We'll let Bart sleep in Lisa's room until he leaves home."
(Marge) "Won't that warp him?"
(Homer) "It didn't warp my Uncle Frank."
(Marge) "What happened to him?"
(Homer) "He joined that Cult. I think he's Mother Shabooboo now."

(Grampa) "I get paid $600 a week to tell a cat and a mouse what to do."

(Mr. Burns) "Bolshevism. Sheer Bolshevism. Ripe for the quashing."

(Ned Flanders) "It's like ever since that Barbeque there's been a Curse on me."

(Unnamed) "Mr Simpson, why did you hurt the Dolly?"
(Homer) "Because like 80% of Americans I'm whacked out on prescription Drugs."
(Unnamed) "But users are losers."
(Homer) "You're confusing Drugs with"
(Homer) "DRU-U-U-UGS."

(Marge) "Not the swear jar. It's the only thing holding back the filth."
(Marge) "Nuttyfudgekins."

(Principal Skinner) "The shapely female form has no place in Art."

(Homer) "Marge, can I go out and play?"

(Unnamed) "I don't know what you guys did to Him down there, but he's never been the same --"

(Unnamed) "There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles. Well, except that."

(Bart) "What are you going to change your name to when you get older?"

(Unnamed) "Sigh."

(Waiter) "Yes, he ordered Fugu. I know, I know, if you cut it wrong it's poisonous. But if you cut it right, it can be quite tasty."

(Principal Skinner) "Students, I have an announcement. One of your favourite comic book heroes, Radio Man --"
(Nelson) "Radioactive Man, stupid."
(Principal Skinner) "Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that."

(Homer) "There, there. Shut up boy."

(Professor Frink) "According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is -- LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing."

(Homer) "I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee."

(Homer) "Anything's possible with Captain Cuckoo-Bananas in charge."

(Homer) "Lousy Smarch weather."

(Homer) "I hope I didn't brain my damage."

(Mayor Quimby) "Liser Simpson."

(Unnamed) "Ontology recapitulates Phylogeny."

(Selma Bouvier) "No resenting us, ever."
(Homer) "That's some great flutenastics."
(Selma Bouvier) "Shut up. You can't praise her. She'll think she's smart and slack off. All our loving would be wasted."

(Lisa) "If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room."

(Krusty the Clown) "Hey-hey, kids."

(Marge) "There's no shame in being a pariah."

(Bart) "I'm not bad, I just make bad decisions."

(Homer) "Give me learning, Sir, and I will have none of your black bread."

(Ned Flanders) "You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down."

(Agnes Skinner) "You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?"

(Unnamed) "Don't worry. I'm not a Stabbin' Hobo, I'm a Singin' Hobo. I Stab all day/ and I Stab all night/ Stabbin' 'em all up/ with my Stabbin' Stabbin' Knife --"
(Marge) "Could you sing something less unsettling?"

(Bart) "Poison the Termites, Gas the Termites, Nuke the Termites, Save the Termites --"

(Superintendent Chalmers) "Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion."

(Lisa) "I suppose you could say I'd like to bring the Milhouse out in Nelson."
(Unnamed) "But I'm ALL Milhouse."

(Homer) "I've got to get back to my round. If these kids ever make the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed."

(Ralph) "Your hair is tall and pretty."
(Marge) "Thank you Ralph."
(Marge) "You really are a nice young gentleman."
(Ralph) "Ah. She's touching my special area."

(Unnamed) "I'm tired of being a star, it's a sham. The real heroes are out there working on more important things."
(Bart) "Television."
(Unnamed) "No, curing cancer and solving world hunger."
(Bart) "But they haven't solved anything. Cancer and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are a bunch of pitiful losers."

(Homer) "I have misplaced my pants."

(Unnamed) "I Know I'm Alive -- But why?"

(Homer) "Part of being a parent is doing things that make your kid never want to talk to you again."

(Mr. Burns) "Who is that man?"
(Waylon Smithers) "That's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your _ from sector 7G."
(Mr. Burns) "Simpson, eh?"

(Superintendent Chalmers) "I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway."
(Principal Skinner) "Holloway? But he's a drunk."
(Superintendent Chalmers) "And a pill-popper. And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?"
(Lunchlady Doris) "I get two paychecks this way."
(Superintendent Chalmers) "D'oh."

(Bart) "When they grow up, people like me will take all their money and girlfriends."

(Homer) "I'm a simple man. I love America, and films where murder is legal one night of the year --"

(Bart) "Are you gonna throw me in the Loony Bin?"
(Unnamed) "No, there are no Loony Bins any more. Those people are on the street --"

(Unnamed) "Did you ever read "The Old Curiosity Shop"?"

(Homer) "Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak."

(Homer) "It was a simpler time, when all we had to worry about was Total Nuclear Annihilation --"

(Principal Skinner) "Today we're doing Coding, moving on from our last educational fad, "Mindfulness". Did anyone work out what that was all about?"
(Unnamed) "Shutting up?"
(Principal Skinner) "Sure, whatever."

(Homer) "Ha. He's afraid of dying."

(Homer) "Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else."

(Agnes Skinner) "'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time."

(Kent Brockman) "So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news --"

(Homer) "Oh, Lord, please help us kill these foreigners who think your Mother should be revered --"

(Mrs. Krabappel) "Is this the line to rag on the new Principal Skinner?"
(Marge) "If you have eight items or less."
(Mrs. Krabappel) "Ten, nine, eight. He's a weenie."
(Marge) "The first Principal Skinner was a weenie too."
(Mrs. Krabappel) "But he was OUR weenie."
(Agnes Skinner) "Now there was a weenie you could be proud to call your son."
(Marge) "Did you ever tell him that?"

(Marge) "I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it."

(Grampa) "Those pearly gates look a lot like teeth."

(Captain McCallister) "You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?"
(Bart) "I don't do that anymore. I am no healer."
(Captain McCallister) "Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression."
(Bart) "And I thought he had it all."

(Kent Brockman) "Tonight we ask "Do Opposites Attract?" as the World's oldest man meets the World's fattest man --"

(Mr. Burns) "Bosh. Flimshaw."

(Mrs. Krabappel) "Bart, that's one month's detention."
(Bart) "Mrs Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles, but life goes on, so if I could just have my yo-yo back --"
(Mrs. Krabappel) "Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?"
(Bart) "Here you go."
(Bart) "Just kidding. Here you go."
(Bart) "Just kidding."
(Mrs. Krabappel) "Well, would you?"
(Bart) "Absolutely."
(Mrs. Krabappel) "HA."

(Nelson) "I feel like such a tool."

(Chief Wiggum) "My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while"

(Barney) "I'm just saying that when we die, there'll be a planet for the French, a planet for the Germans, and we'll all be a lot happier."
(Lisa) "Mr Gumble, you're upsetting me."
(Barney) "No I'm not."

(Sideshow Mel) "My opinions are as valid as the next man's."

(Homer) "Oh Lisa, your Mother used to suggest ways for me to improve myself all the time too. But then a little piece of her died, and she stopped being so annoying."

(Homer) "Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law."

(Unnamed) "Whenever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there."

(Marge) "Okay, you're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then off to bed."

(Bart) "I don't know why I do what I do"
(Bart) "Whoa."

(Homer) "You might not be the smartest guys in the Army."

(Homer) "If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"

(Homer) "Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should --"
(Moe) "Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya."

(Lisa) "You can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of "Moby Dick"."
(Homer) "The point of "Moby Dick" is "Be yourself" --"

(Apu) "Thankyou, come again."

(Homer) "I love watching Canadian on Canadian Violence."

(Unnamed) "Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you."
(Unnamed) "The Coroner. I'm so sick of that guy --"

(Marge) "Why all the bowling balls?"
(Homer) "Marge, I'm not going to lie to you."

(Marge) "Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health."
(Homer) "Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health."

(Homer) "Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone."

(Homer) "Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns."
(Lisa) "Dad, you just said that three minutes ago."

(Kang) "No Pickle, Butter Brickle."

(Bart) "A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all."

(Bart) "Grampa, everyone's calling me a coward."
(Grampa) "Well join the club. Anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part coward."

(Homer) "Thank you for correcting me, Lisa, people are always glad to be corrected."

(Homer) "Oh, kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate."

(Homer) "Boy, everyone is stupid except me."

(Principal Skinner) "It's the only Behaviour Modification Camp cruel enough to scare kids like Bart straight, and then send them home quietly ticking away --"

(Homer) "To Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

(Unnamed) "We're getting married. Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation."

(Homer) "Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk."

(Homer) "Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family."

(Homer) "You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it."
(Grampa) "I was with it once. And then they changed what it was. And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me. And it'll happen to you."

(Unnamed) "Joy is but the Shadow pain casts --"

(Mr. Burns) "Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?"

(Marge) "My special little guy."

(Grampa) "I was mainly in it for the spankings."

(Principal Skinner) "Silent Anger. The cornerstone of a successful marriage --"

(Unnamed) "Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children."

(Homer) "In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane --"

(Lunchlady Doris) "More testicles means more iron."

(Unnamed) "You're not a pawn in my relationship with your father. Is that something your father told you?"
(Unnamed) "No."
(Unnamed) "Well, maybe with time your lying will stop --"

(Unnamed) "And so the Trillion Dollar Note was given to the richest and therefore most trustworthy American, C Montgomery Burns."

(Unnamed) "The best day of my life just turned into every other day of my life."

(Unnamed) "I've dined with the Prince of Wales and Killer Whales, but only the latter knew how to chew without humming --"

(Krusty the Clown) "Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death."

(Groundskeeper Willie) "Get yer Haggis. Sheep's Lungs and Heart boiled in the wee beast's stomach. Tastes as good as it sounds. Get it while it's hot. Ach."

(Troy McClure) "Ah, sweet lady liquor eases the pain."

(Unnamed) "My God, a Pigeon."

(Unnamed) "The only soulless thing in Hollywood is the Music Industry."

(Marge) "Mr. Scalper, a ticket please."
(Unnamed) "I am not a Scalper, I am a dude whose 200 friends did not show up."
(Unnamed) "Now what do we do?"
(Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon) "Let's talk about Marge behind her back."
(Unnamed) "Have you noticed her baby never says a thing?"
(Unnamed) "I'll bet it saw something awful."

(Krusty the Clown) "I'd rather be a happy Shnook than a noble Shlumpf."

(Ralph) "Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers."

(Homer) "Oh no, Aliens. Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with."
(Kang) "Stop."
(Kang) "We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us --"

(Unnamed) "Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?"
(Mrs. Krabappel) "Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone."

(Mr. Burns) "Smithers, release the hounds."

(Homer) "Hey. You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab. What's wrong with you?"
(Captain McCallister) "Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him."
(Marge) "Don't look at me. I wanted to eat him."
(Captain McCallister) "Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it."
(Marge) "No. We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school."
(Captain McCallister) "Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?"

(Unnamed) "Ew, gross, blood."

(Mr. Burns) "Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist."

(Unnamed) "There is another way to do this, but it is as intricate as a well-played game of Chess --"
(Unnamed) "Was that me or you?"

(Ned Flanders) "Absotively Posolutely."

(Marge) "Oh, Bart, you're turning into the kind of boy every Mother wants. A girl."

(Moe) "How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?"

(Unnamed) "I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand."

(The Rich Texan) "I want you to have my hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it aaaaaaalways brings me good luck."

(Mr. Burns) "Are you sure you haven't just made hundreds of mistakes?"
(Unnamed) "-- Yes."

(Homer) "Oh, great. Mormons."
(Kang) "Actually, we're Quantum Presbytarians --"

(Homer) "You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir."
(Fat Tony) "Okay, I will go."
(Fat Tony) "Hey, wait a minute."

(Moe) "Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me."

(Kent Brockman) "Human feelings, expressed by a Human."

(Unnamed) "I started writing Children's Books because my Cartoon Strips were so filthy that not even the Adult Magazines would publish them."

(Lisa) "I know I'll never be great, but shouldn't I try?"
(Principal Skinner) "No."

(Professor Frink) "I was trying to spare the child's feelings you insensitive clod."

(Bart) "I'm done working. Working is for chumps."
(Homer) "Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out."

(Professor Frink) "I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed."

(Professor Frink) "Will this help my Sciatica?"
(Homer) "I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes.""

(Unnamed) "Oh Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without -- you know -- wantin' somethin' in return."
(Homer) "Well, I was gonna' ask you for a glass of water but now I feel kinda' guilty about it."
(Unnamed) "Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar."
(Homer) "Thanks. You did say sugar, right?"
(Unnamed) "Uh huh."

(Lionel Hutz) "What's that, a broken leg? Great."

(Principal Skinner) "In the interests of open dialogue, sit quietly and watch this film."

(Unnamed) "Why did you think a Big Balloon would stop people?"
(Unnamed) "Shut up. That's why."

(Homer) "What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life. And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner."

(Unnamed) "You see, I've got to get back on the TV. Because with the Osbournes, and the softcore porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin' and the wah-wah-wah."

(Unnamed) "You hate your father, don't you?"
(Homer) "The guy I really hate right now is your father."
(Unnamed) "I'm sorry, I was just venting --"

(Unnamed) "You can't kill time, son, you got to treasure it. Seize the day. You got any change so I can go and get loaded?"

(Unnamed) "Mr Simpson, it smells funny in there."
(Homer) "No, it doesn't."

(Grampa) "What's wrong? Usually I have to wrestle the bucket away from you."
(Homer) "Dad I'm in love."
(Grampa) "Uh-oh. This girl, she good-looking? Belle of the ball?"
(Homer) "Yeah."
(Grampa) "No, no. Don't over-reach. You've got to go for the low-hanging fruit, the dented car, the less attractive girl. I blame myself for not having this talk sooner."

(Homer) "I hate the modern World and all its crazy words."

(Moe) "I am so Not British. Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya."

(Homer) "In the boudoir the gourmand becomes the voluptuary."

(Homer) "If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively --"

(Unnamed) "Please try and relax."
(Reverend Lovejoy) "But he's like the Pope of this thing."

(Principal Skinner) "Finally, we can afford attractive Teachers."
(Unnamed) "I was the only one who understood Osmosis."

(Unnamed) "Mrs Simpson, this is when I have Lunch, so I'm going to say that your daughter is Unique, and we're done."

(Moe) "You know, they say there's someone for everybody"

(Homer) "You'll have to climb the ladder boy."
(Bart) "But I'm scared."
(Homer) "Scared? What are we giving you all those meds for?"
(Bart) "So you can do less parenting?"
(Homer) "Ha. Babysitter in a bottle --"

(Ned Flanders) "Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland."
(Homer) "Well, beggy can't be choosy."

(Moe) "My Doctor says it's best that I don't sleep."

(Bart) "Who says "ersters"?"
(Homer) "Songwriters who are stuck."

(Lionel Hutz) "I could answer your question, Lisa, but you and I would be the only ones in this room who'd understand. And I'm including your Teacher in that."

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