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Being John Malkovich Quotes

Being John Malkovich is a television show that debuted in 1970 . Being John Malkovich stopped airing in 1970.

It features Michael Stipe as producer, Carter Burwell in charge of musical score, and Lance Acord as head of cinematography.

Being John Malkovich is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Being John Malkovich is 112 minutes long. Being John Malkovich is distributed by USA Films.

The cast includes: John Malkovich as John Malkovich, John Cusack as Craig Schwartz, Cameron Diaz as Lotte Schwartz, Catherine Keener as Maxine, John Cusack as Craig Schwartz, Mary Kay Place as Floris, Orson Bean as Dr. Lester, and W. Earl Brown as First J.M. Inc. Customer.

Being John Malkovich Quotes

John Cusack as Craig Schwartz

  • (John Cusack) "Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away."
  • (John Cusack) "Gimmicky bastard --"
  • (John Cusack) "I like you, I don't know what it is about you."
  • (Catherine Keener) "My tits?"
  • (John Cusack) "No. No, no, no."
  • (Catherine Keener) "No?"
  • (John Cusack) "It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself."
  • (Catherine Keener) "You're not a fag, are you?"
  • (John Cusack) "No, I am really attracted to you."
  • (Catherine Keener) ""No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling."
  • (John Cusack) "No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance."
  • (John Cusack) "Gimmicky bastard."
  • (John Cusack) "Tell me, Craig, why do you like puppetering?"
  • (John Cusack) "Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin; thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently."
  • (John Cusack) "Interesting, Craig --"
  • (John Cusack) "You were him, weren't you?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Yeah."
  • (John Cusack) "And he was with her."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "We love her, Craig."
  • (John Cusack) "We?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "John and me."
  • (John Cusack) "Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?"
  • (John Cusack) "Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate."
  • (John Cusack) "What happens when a man goes through his own portal?"
  • (John Cusack) "You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls."
  • (Catherine Keener) "You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people."
  • (John Cusack) "I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Yes?"
  • (John Cusack) "I think maybe you're on to something."
  • (Catherine Keener) "And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants."
  • (John Cusack) "I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin."
  • (John Cusack) "If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Why not?"
  • (John Cusack) "Okay. You look like a -- BarrrRuuu; BellllLuuuu; Lllll; Carolllll; Taaaa-Sharrr; - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly; - Marr; laaarr; Maax -- ine; M-M-M; Maxine?"
  • (Catherine Keener) "Yeah. Who told you?"
  • (John Cusack) "Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?"
  • (John Cusack) "Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?"
  • (Catherine Keener) "Yeah."

John Malkovich as John Malkovich

  • (John Malkovich) "Did you call me Lotte?"
  • (Catherine Keener) "Yeah, do you mind?"
  • (John Malkovich) "No, not really."
  • (John Malkovich) "This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God."
  • (John Cusack) "With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood."
  • (John Malkovich) "It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court."
  • (John Cusack) "And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing -- in court?"
  • (Guy in Restaurant) "'Scuse me."
  • (John Malkovich) "Mm-hmm?"
  • (Guy in Restaurant) "Are you John Malkovich?"
  • (John Malkovich) "Yes, I am."
  • (Guy in Restaurant) "Wow. You're really, uh, great in that movie --"
  • (John Malkovich) "Oh?"
  • (Guy in Restaurant) "-- where you play that retard."
  • (John Malkovich) "Oh, thank you very much. Thank you."
  • (Guy in Restaurant) "I have a cousin -- who's a retard."
  • (John Malkovich) "Oh, thank you."
  • (Guy in Restaurant) "Yeah. So, um -- as you might imagine, it -- means a lot to me to see -- retards -- portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately."
  • (John Malkovich) "Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it."
  • (Waiter) "Malkovich?"
  • (John Malkovich) "MALKOVICH."
  • (Waiter) "Malkovich."
  • (John Malkovich) "Ma-Sheen."
  • (Charlie) "Malcatraz."
  • (John Malkovich) "I have seen a world that NO man should see."
  • (John Cusack) "Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience."
  • (John Malkovich) "The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte"."
  • (Charlie) "Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?"
  • (John Malkovich) "What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out."

Mary Kay Place as Floris

  • (Charlie) "Lookin' great, Flo."
  • (Mary Kay Place) ""Lookin' grateful"?"
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Oh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet. Maybe you could alphabetize me. And remember, 'I' comes before 'U'."
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?"
  • (John Cusack) "No, no. Um -- my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester."
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez."
  • (John Cusack) "Schwartz."
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Pardon?"
  • (John Cusack) "Schwartz."
  • (Mary Kay Place) "I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now."
  • (John Cusack) "My name is Schwartz."
  • (Mary Kay Place) ""My name is Warts"?"
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Mr. Juarez?"
  • (John Cusack) "Oh. Yes?"
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Chest?"
  • (John Cusack) "I said, "Yes?""
  • (Mary Kay Place) "You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now."
  • (Mary Kay Place) "I can't understand a word you're saying"
  • (Mary Kay Place) "asshole."

Orson Bean as Dr. Lester

  • (Orson Bean) "I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech."
  • (Orson Bean) "Floris, get Guinness on the phone."
  • (Mary Kay Place) "Right away, Dr. Lester. Genghis Khan Capone."
  • (Orson Bean) "Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?"
  • (John Cusack) "The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?"
  • (Orson Bean) "Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you."
  • (Orson Bean) "Hello, Mr. Juarez."
  • (John Cusack) "Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary --"
  • (Orson Bean) "Security."
  • (Orson Bean) "Any questions?"
  • (John Cusack) "Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?"
  • (Orson Bean) "Low overhead, my boy; we pass the savings on to you. But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation."
  • (Orson Bean) "She's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western."
  • (Orson Bean) "Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz."
  • (John Cusack) "Oh, no."
  • (Orson Bean) "If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears."
  • (John Cusack) "I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't; pardon me, how old are you, sir?"
  • (Orson Bean) "105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes."

Catherine Keener as Maxine

  • (Catherine Keener) "Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me."
  • (Catherine Keener) "J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Tell me a little about yourself."
  • (John Cusack) "Well, I'm a puppeteer --"
  • (Catherine Keener) "Check."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Meet you in Malkovich in one hour."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am -- but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing."
  • (Catherine Keener) "You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Meet me at the Stuck Pig -- at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk."
  • (Catherine Keener) "Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?"
  • (Catherine Keener) "Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it."
  • (John Malkovich) "NO."
  • (John Cusack) "Shut up, you overrated piece of shit."

W. Earl Brown as First J.M. Inc. Customer

  • (W. Earl Brown) "Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?"
  • (John Cusack) "Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes."
  • (W. Earl Brown) "Can I be anybody that I wanna be?"
  • (John Cusack) "Well, you -- actually --"
  • (Catherine Keener) "You can be John Malkovich."
  • (W. Earl Brown) "Perfect. It's -- my -- second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I --"
  • (Catherine Keener) "Two hundred dollars."

Cameron Diaz as Lotte Schwartz

  • (Cameron Diaz) "We love her, Craig."
  • (John Cusack) "We?"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "John and me."
  • (John Cusack) "Don't forget about me."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Craig, honey, it's time for bed."
  • (Unnamed) "Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up,"
  • (John Cusack) "Lotte --"
  • (Cameron Diaz) "I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like -- Malkovich's -- feminine side. I like that."
  • (Cameron Diaz) "Suck my dick."

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