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Withnail and I Quotes

Withnail and I is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Withnail and I completed its run in 1970.

It features Paul Heller as producer, Lord David Dundas, and Rick Wentworth in charge of musical score, and Peter Hannan as head of cinematography.

Withnail and I is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Withnail and I is 107 minutes long. Withnail and I is distributed by HandMade Films, and Cineplex Odeon Films.

The cast includes: Richard E. Grant as Withnail, Paul McGann as Marwood, Richard Griffiths as Uncle Monty, Ralph Brown as Danny, Daragh O'Malley as Irishman, Richard Griffiths as Monty, Michael Wardle as Isaac Parkin, Michael Elphick as Jake, Una Brandon-Jones as Mrs. Parkin, and Noel Johnson as General.

Withnail and I Quotes

Ralph Brown as Danny

  • (Ralph Brown) "Where exactly have you two been?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Holiday in the countryside."
  • (Ralph Brown) "That's a very good idea. London is a country coming down from its trip. We are 91 days from the end of this decade and there's gonna be a lot of refugees."
  • (Ralph Brown) "This pill's valued at two quid."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Two quid? You're out of your mind."
  • (Paul McGann) "That's sense, Withnail."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Don't get uptight with me, man. Cos if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You wouldn't spike me, you're too mean. Beside there's nothing invented I couldn't take."
  • (Ralph Brown) "If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I could take double anything you could."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Very, very foolish words, man."
  • (Ralph Brown) "My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Then you gotta change its drawers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the little girls. So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Shits itself?"
  • (Ralph Brown) "He's an expert. He's building the prototype now."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Has he just been busted?"
  • (Paul McGann) "No."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Then why's he wearing that old suit?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Old suit? This suit was cut by Hawkes of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything."
  • (Ralph Brown) "The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot."
  • (Paul McGann) "It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint."
  • (Ralph Brown) "It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?"
  • (Ralph Brown) "I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot."
  • (Ralph Brown) "You're looking very beautiful, man. Have you been away? Saint Peter preached the epistles to the apostles looking like that."
  • (Ralph Brown) "I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What absolute twaddle."
  • (Ralph Brown) "I see you're wearing a suit."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What's it got to do with you?"
  • (Ralph Brown) "No need to get uptight, man. I was merely making an observation. I happened to be looking for a suit for the Coalman two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you. The Coalman had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow. Had a weight under his fez. We worked out it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the Coalman. Goes into court in his kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan, they can't handle the bell. So, there's this judge sitting there in a cape like fucking Batman with this really rather far-out looking hat."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Wig."
  • (Ralph Brown) "No, man, this was more like a long white hat. So, he looks at the Coalman and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress." And the Coalman looks at him and says "You think you look normal, your honour?" Cunt gave him two years."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Law rather appeals to me actually."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Just high."

Richard E. Grant as Withnail

  • (Richard E. Grant) "SCRUBBERS."
  • (Unnamed) "Up yours, grandad."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "SCRUBBERS. SCRUBBERS."
  • (Paul McGann) "Shut up."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Little tarts, they love it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Here comes another fucker."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Listen, we're bona fide. We're not from London."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "He's going into your room. It's you he wants. Offer him yourself."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We mean no harm."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Oh, my boys, my boys, forgive me."
  • (Paul McGann) "Monty. Monty, Monty."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "MONTY, YOU TERRIBLE CUNT."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Forgive me, it was inconsiderate of me not to have telegrammed."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING PROWLING AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "How dare you. How DARE you."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I've got a bastard behind the eyes."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Monty used to act."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Well, I'd hardly say that. It's true, I crept the boards in my youth. But I never really had it in my blood, and that's what's so essential, isn't it, theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas I have little more than vintage wine and memories. It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself "I will never play the Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. Don't you agree?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "It's a part I intend to play, Uncle."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "And you'd be marvellous. "It's gone. We do it wrong, being so majestical. To offer it the show of violence -- ""
  • (Paul McGann) "Please, let's go. He's a madman. Any minute now he's going to rush out and get into his tights."
  • (Unnamed) "Time, gents, please."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Alright, we're going to have to work quickly."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon. Must be 20,000 sheep up there on those volcanoes, we've got a plate full of carrots."
  • (Paul McGann) "There's black puddings in it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Black puddings are no good to us."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I want something's flesh."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I feel like a pig shat in my head."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "All right here?"
  • (Waitress) "What do you want?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Cake. All right here?"
  • (Waitress) "No, we're closing in a minute."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We're leaving in a minute."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We want cake and tea."
  • (Tea Shop Proprietor) "Didn't you hear? She said she'd closed. What do you want in here?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Cake. What's it got to do with you?"
  • (Tea Shop Proprietor) "I happen to be the proprietor. Now, would you leave?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Ah. I'm glad you're the proprietor, I was gonna have to have a word with you anyway. We're working on a film up here. Locations, see. We might wanna do a film in here."
  • (Tea Shop Proprietor) "You're drunk."
  • (Paul McGann) "Just bring out the cakes."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Cake and fine wine."
  • (Waitress) "If you don't leave, we'll call the police."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Balls. We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now."
  • (Tea Shop Proprietor) "Miss Blennerhassett, telephone the police."
  • (Paul McGann) "All right, Miss Blennerhassett, I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multimillionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Yes, we'll buy this place and we'll install a fucking jukebox in here and liven all you stiffs up a bit."
  • (Tea Shop Proprietor) "The police, Miss Blennerhassett. Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith tearooms and we want them removed."
  • (Paul McGann) "We are not drunks, we are multimillionaires."
  • (Tea Shop Proprietor) "Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep them here til they arrive."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You won't keep us anywhere. We'll buy this place and have it knocked down."
  • (Paul McGann) "'S alright, 's alright, s'alright -- We're going, our car has arrived."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We'll be back. We're coming back in here."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I've some extremely distressing news."
  • (Paul McGann) "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We've just run out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird. I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose. Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock. I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up."
  • (Paul McGann) "No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me. There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "This IS the morning. Stand aside."
  • (Paul McGann) "You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What do you mean? A rat?"
  • (Paul McGann) "It's possible, it's possible."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Then the fucker will rue the day."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Father hated the thought of me being on the stage."
  • (Paul McGann) "Then he must be delighted with your career."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What's that supposed to mean?"
  • (Paul McGann) "You rarely are."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "If I see that silage heap hanging about up here, I'LL TAKE THE BASTARD AXE TO HIM."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "BASTARDS. YOU'LL ALL SUFFER. I'LL SHOW THE LOT OF YOU. I'M GONNA BE A STARRR."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Have you been at the controls?"
  • (Paul McGann) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "The thermostats. What have you done to them?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I haven't touched them."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Then why has my head gone numb?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Listen to this. "Curse of the Superman. I took drugs to win medals says top athlete Geoff Woade.""
  • (Paul McGann) "Where's the coffee?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) ""In a world exclusive interview, 33 year old shot putter Geoff Woade who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. It used to give him bad tempers and act up said his wife. He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped he's much better in our sex life and in our general life." Jesus Christ. This huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weight fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker."
  • (Paul McGann) "Please, I don't feel good."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No. He'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm gonna pull you head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm gonna pull your head off because I don't like your head.""
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Free to those that can afford it, very expensive to those that can't."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Oh, Christ almighty. Sinew in nicotine base. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Aargh. Aargh."
  • (Paul McGann) "I told you, you've been bitten."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Burnt. Burnt. The fucking kettle's on fire."
  • (Paul McGann) "There's something floating up."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "FORK IT."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What is it? What have you found?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Matter."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Listen, I pay you 10 percent to do that. Well, lick 10 percent of the arses for me, then. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? How DARE you."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Fuck you."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not gonna understudy anybody. Especially that little pimp. Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows, whining about ducks going to Moscow."
  • (First Policeman) "Bit early in the morning for festivities, isn't it?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "These aren't mine, they belong to him."
  • (First Policeman) "You're drunk."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I assure you I'm not, officer. Honestly. I've only had a few ales."
  • (First Policeman) "Out of the car. Please? Sir?"
  • (First Policeman) "I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag."
  • (First Policeman) "Are you refusing to fill this bag?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I most certainly am."
  • (First Policeman) "I'm placing you under arrest."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything. Look here, my cousin's a QC."
  • (Policeman Two) "GET-IN-THE-BACK-OF-THE-VAN."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "This place is uninhabitable."
  • (Paul McGann) "Give it a chance. It's got to warm up."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Warm up? We may as well sit round this cigarette. This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Look at that, accident black spot. These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Throw yourself into the road, darling. You haven't got a chance."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. I must be ill."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "There must and shall be aspirin."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Oh, look at this little bastard. "Boy lands plum role for top Italian director" Course he does. Probably on a tenner a day, and I know what for. 2 pound 10 a tit and a fiver for his arse."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean look at us. Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights. No fridges, no televisions, no phones. Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Jesus. You're covered in shit."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth. And indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man. How noble in reason. How infinite in faculties. How like an angel in apprehension. How like a god. The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me, no, nor women neither. Nor women neither."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I think a drink, don't you?"
  • (Paul McGann) "What about the wellingtons?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers' conference and had a run on them."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You're not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Grab its ring. Keep your bag up. Outvie him."
  • (Michael Wardle) "Hey, show no fear. Just run at it."
  • (Paul McGann) "Well, that can't be sensible, can it, the bastard's about to run at me."
  • (Michael Wardle) "Well, it's randy."
  • (Paul McGann) "Yes, yeah, I know he is."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "He wants to get down there and have sex with those cows."
  • (Paul McGann) "Shut up, Withnail."
  • (Michael Wardle) "Run at it, shouting."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Do as he says. Start shouting. He won't gore you."
  • (Paul McGann) "A coward you are, Withnail, an expert on bulls you are not. AAAAARGGGHHHH."
  • (Michael Wardle) "Shut that gate and keep it shut."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I think an evening at The Crow."

Richard Griffiths as Monty

  • (Richard Griffiths) "I'm preparing myself to forgive you."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "I had to come. I tried not to. Oh, how I tried not to."
  • (Paul McGann) "Listen Monty, there's something I have to explain to you."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "You needn't explain, he's told me everything. He told me that first day you came to Chelsea."
  • (Paul McGann) "What's he told you?"
  • (Richard Griffiths) "He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road. He told me about your problems. How you feel. Your desires."
  • (Paul McGann) "Problems, what problems?"
  • (Richard Griffiths) "You are a toilet trader."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "You beastly little parasite, how dare you. You little thug. How dare you. Beastly, ungrateful little swine."
  • (Richard Griffiths) ""Here. Hare. Here.""
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Laisse-moi, respirer, longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux. Oh, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford. Oh, Oxford --"
  • (Paul McGann) "Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Get that damned little swine out of here."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "It's trying to get itself in with you, it's trying for even more advantage. It's obsessed with its gut, it's like a bloody rugby ball now. It will die, it will die."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Monty, Monty --"
  • (Richard Griffiths) "No, no, no, dear boy, you must leave, you must leave. Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "You shouldn't treat each other so badly. This boy's been out there frozen to the marrow and you just sit in here drinking. Now, come along, he's going to revitalise himself and you're going to finish the vegetables."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I don't know how to do them."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Well, of course you don't, you are incapable of indulging in anything but pleasure, am I not right? You don't deserve such loyalty. Now, come along, I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "The older order changeth, yielding place to new. God fulfils himself in many ways. And soon, I suppose, I shall be swept away by some vulgar little tumour. Oh, my boys, my boys, we're at the end of an age. We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in. Shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour. And here we are, we three, perhaps the last island of beauty in the world."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Come on lads, let's get home, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp."

Paul McGann as Marwood

  • (Paul McGann) "If The Crow and Crown had ever had life it was dead now. It was like walking into a lung. A self-sustained nicotine-yellow and fly-blown lung. Its landlord was a retired alcoholic with military pretensions and a complexion like the inside of a teapot. By the time the doors opened he was arseholed on rum and got progressively more arseholed until he could take no more and fell over at about 12 o'clock."
  • (Noel Johnson) "Thought I was going for a minute. But no man's put me down yet. Have you had any training in the martial arts?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Yes, as a matter of fact I have. Before I became a journalist I was in the Territorials."
  • (Noel Johnson) "Do you know, when you first came in here I knew you were a services man. You can never, never disguise it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What were you in?"
  • (Noel Johnson) "Tanks. Afrika Korps. A little before your time. Don't suppose you've engaged, have you?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Ireland."
  • (Noel Johnson) "Oooh, a crack at the Mick?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We'll have another pair of large scotches."
  • (Noel Johnson) "These shall be my pleasure."
  • (Noel Johnson) "What are you doing up here, then?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We're doing a feature for Country Life. Survey of rural types, you know, farmers, travelling tinkers, milkmen, that sort of thing."
  • (Noel Johnson) "Have you met Jake? Poacher. Works the lake, but keep it under your hat, hmm?"
  • (Paul McGann) "What's all this Army bollocks?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We got a drink, didn't we?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Poor old bastard."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I would say. Now that represents a degree of hypocrisy I've hitherto suspected in you, but have not noticed due to highly evasive skills."
  • (Paul McGann) "I could hardly piss straight with fear. Here was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one has a definite imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree."
  • (Paul McGann) ""I fuck arses." Who fucks arses?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Maybe he fucks arses."
  • (Paul McGann) "Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity."
  • (Paul McGann) "Give me a Valium, I'm getting the FEAR."
  • (Ralph Brown) "You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mls of diazepam on you, it will do something else to your brain. You will make it low. Why trust one drug and not the other? That's politics, innit?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I'm gonna eat some sugar."
  • (Ralph Brown) "I recommend you smoke some more grass."
  • (Paul McGann) "No way, no fucking way."
  • (Ralph Brown) "That is an unfortunate political decision. Reflecting these times."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What are you talking about, Danny?"
  • (Ralph Brown) "Politics, man. If you're hanging onto a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision; let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworths, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black."
  • (Paul McGann) "What happened to your leg?"
  • (Michael Wardle) "Got a randy bull up there. Gi' me one in t' knee."
  • (Paul McGann) "You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "How can I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Get out of it for a while. Get into countryside, rejuvenate."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Rejuvenate? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead. What good's the side?"
  • (Paul McGann) "What happened to your cigar commercial?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "That's what I want to know. What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died."
  • (Paul McGann) "September. It's a bad patch."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Rubbish. Haven't seen Gielgud down the labour exchange. Why doesn't he retire?"
  • (Paul McGann) "If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "If your father was my father you wouldn't get it."
  • (Paul McGann) "A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not. ARRRGH."
  • (Paul McGann) "How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Tactical necessity. If I hadn't told him you were active we'd never have got the cottage."
  • (Paul McGann) "I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I never thought he'd come all this way."
  • (Paul McGann) "Monty, he'd go to New York."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Calculated risk."
  • (Paul McGann) "Withnail, you bastard, wake up. Wake up you bastard, or I burn this bastard bed down."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I deny all accusations."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What you do want?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in here with the express intention of wishing one upon you."
  • (Paul McGann) "Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight, then we split into two fact-finding groups. I'll deal with the water and other plumbings, you can check the fuel and wood situation."
  • (Paul McGann) "What's that?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "The fuel and wood situation. There's nothing out there except a hurricane."
  • (Paul McGann) "Where is he?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology."
  • (Paul McGann) "Suits me, he can eat his fucking radish."
  • (Richard Griffiths) "It's all your fault. You lead him astray."
  • (Paul McGann) "I beg your pardon, Monty?"
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Oh, don't tell me you're not aware of it, I know what you're up to and so do you."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Sherry?"
  • (Richard Griffiths) "Sherry? Oh dear, no, no, no, I'd be sucked into his trap. One of us has got to stay on guard. He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning."
  • (Paul McGann) "Parkin's been. There's the supper."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What are we supposed to do with that?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Eat it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Eat it? Fucker's alive."
  • (Paul McGann) "Yeah, I know that, you've got to kill it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Me? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector."
  • (Paul McGann) "Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in."
  • (Paul McGann) "It takes away your appetite just looking at it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "No it doesn't. I'm starving. How can we make it die?"
  • (Paul McGann) "You got to throttle him. Listen, I think you should strangle it instantly in case it starts trying to make friends with us."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "All right, get hold of it. You hold it down, I'll strangle it."
  • (Paul McGann) "I can't. It's those dreadful beady eyes, they stare you out."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "It's a bloody chicken. Just think of it with bacon across its back."
  • (Paul McGann) "Don't vent spleen on me, I'm in the same boat."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Stop saying that. You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this fucking bath."
  • (Paul McGann) "My thumbs have gone weird."
  • (Paul McGann) "Give me a downer, Danny. My brain's capsizing, I've gotta unfuck my brain."
  • (Ralph Brown) "Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It'll pass. Be seated."
  • (Paul McGann) "Aren't you getting absurdly high?"
  • (Ralph Brown) "Precisely the reason I'm smoking it."
  • (Paul McGann) "What's going on?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I'm making time."
  • (Paul McGann) "What about whatshisname?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What about him?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Why don't you give him a call?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What for?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Ask him about his house."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Why not?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "All right. What's his number?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I've no idea. I've never met him."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing, and then all at once those frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores."
  • (Paul McGann) "I wouldn't drink that if I was you."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Why not?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that, that's worse than meths."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Have we got any more?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Liar. What's in your toolbox?"
  • (Paul McGann) "No, we have nothing. Sit down."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Liar. You've got antifreeze."
  • (Paul McGann) "You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks."
  • (Paul McGann) "Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. And for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future. What we need is harmony, fresh air, stuff like that."
  • (Paul McGann) "How come Monty owns such a horrible little shack?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "No idea."
  • (Paul McGann) "You never discuss your family do you?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine."
  • (Paul McGann) "Why?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage."
  • (Paul McGann) "Then they must be delighted with your career."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What do you mean?"
  • (Paul McGann) "You rarely are."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You just wait. Just you wait. When I strike they won't know what hit them."

Una Brandon-Jones as Mrs. Parkin

  • (Una Brandon-Jones) "What do you want?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's. He's lent us his cottage. I wondered if you could sell us some food. Eggs and things."
  • (Paul McGann) "What about wood and coal?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I'm not from London, you know."
  • (Una Brandon-Jones) "I don't care where you come from."
  • (Paul McGann) "Not the attitude I'd been given to expect from the H.E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be out the back, drinking cider and discussing butter. Clearly a myth. Evidently country people are no more receptive to strangers than city-dwellers."

Michael Elphick as Jake

  • (Michael Elphick) "Now, look, you. Them pheasants are for his pot. These eels are for my pot. Now, what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What pot?"
  • (Paul McGann) "Our cooking pot."
  • (Michael Elphick) "Ah, he knows. Hey, give us a wheeze on that fag."
  • (Michael Elphick) "I might come and see you lads in the week. I might fetch you up a rabbit."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "We don't want a rabbit, we want a pheasant."
  • (Michael Elphick) "Listen, you young prat. I ain't got no pheasants, ain't got no birds. No more than you have."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Course you have, you're the poacher."
  • (Michael Elphick) "If I hear more words out of you, I'll put one of these here black pods on you."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Don't threaten me with a dead fish."
  • (Michael Elphick) "Half dead he may be, but I'll come up after you, and I'll wake you up with a live one."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Sod your pheasants. You'll have to find us first."
  • (Michael Elphick) "I know where you are, you're at Crow Crag. I've been watching you, especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on, boy."

Daragh O'Malley as Irishman

  • (Daragh O'Malley) "Perfumed ponce."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "You'll be pleased to hear Monty's invited us for drinks."
  • (Paul McGann) "Balls to Monty. We're getting out."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Balls to Monty? I've just spent an hour flattering the bugger."
  • (Paul McGann) "There's a man over there that doesn't like the perfume, the big one. Don't look, don't look. We're in danger, we've got to get out."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What are you talking about?"
  • (Paul McGann) "I've been called a ponce."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "What fucker said that?"
  • (Daragh O'Malley) "I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one, PONCE."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "Would you like a drink?"
  • (Daragh O'Malley) "What's your name, MacFuck?"
  • (Richard E. Grant) "I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder."
  • (Daragh O'Malley) "I'll murder the pair of yers."
  • (Richard E. Grant) "My wife is having a baby. Listen, I don't know what my f -- acquaintance did to upset you but it's nothing to do with me. I suggest you both go outside and discuss it sensibly, in the street."
  • (Daragh O'Malley) "PONCE."

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