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Mrs. Doubtfire Quotes

Mrs. Doubtfire is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Mrs. Doubtfire ended its run in 1970.

It features Marsha Garces Williams, Robin Williams, and Mark Radcliffe as producer, and Howard Shore in charge of musical score.

Mrs. Doubtfire is recorded in English language and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Mrs. Doubtfire is 125 minutes long. Mrs. Doubtfire is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Robin Williams as Daniel, Anne Haney as Mrs. Sellner, Sally Field as Miranda, Pierce Brosnan as Stu, Mara Wilson as Natalie, Lisa Jakub as Lydie, Matthew Lawrence as Chris, Sydney Walker as Bus Driver, Robert Prosky as Jonathan Lundy, Martin Mull as Tony, Harvey Fierstein as Frank, Scott Capurro as Jack, Robin Williams as Evelyn Hillard, Terence McGovern as Lou, Harvey Fierstein as Ron, and Scott Beach as Judge.

Mrs. Doubtfire Quotes

Terence McGovern as Lou

  • (Terence McGovern) "Daniel, that line was not in the script; why did you add it?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Well, I thought I should comment on the situation."
  • (Terence McGovern) "What situation?"
  • (Robin Williams) "The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible."
  • (Terence McGovern) "This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special."
  • (Robin Williams) "Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up.""

Robin Williams as Daniel

  • (Robin Williams) "Oh crap."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "BACK OFF., go on, BEAT IT."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Broke my bag, the bastard. Ooh."
  • (Robin Williams) "Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great."
  • (Sally Field) "Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back."
  • (Robin Williams) "Well, we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us."
  • (Sally Field) "Daniel, please don't joke."
  • (Robin Williams) "Ok."
  • (Sally Field) "It's just, we're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common."
  • (Robin Williams) "Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other -- Don't we?"
  • (Sally Field) "I want a divorce."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, Mrs. Sellner. I just got out of the shower. I think you'll be very pleased with me. I've been through some really interesting changes and I'm becoming a new man and a model father --"
  • (Robin Williams) "Yes I want to keep you abreast to some of the changes in my career."
  • (Robin Williams) "There have been two big developments."
  • (Robin Williams) "I'm finally starting to come into my own. Things are really starting to take shape."
  • (Robin Williams) "And I'm blossoming, really I am."
  • (Robin Williams) "Things were hairy for awhile, but, oh, I'm in great shape now."
  • (Robin Williams) "I'm my own man now. Oh, yes."
  • (Robin Williams) "A job I could really sink my teeth into. I'll be right there, Mrs. Sellner."
  • (Robin Williams) "I don't have the same face anymore, Mrs. Sellner."
  • (Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker) "Can I give you a hand?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh, no, dear, I don't need a hand."
  • (Robin Williams) "I need a face."
  • (Robin Williams) "Ah. Norman Bates."
  • (Robin Williams) "I feel like Gloria Swanson."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "You look like her mother."
  • (Robin Williams) "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."
  • (Robin Williams) "I got off early."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "You mean you got fired?"
  • (Robin Williams) "No, I quit. For reasons of conscience."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "Actors."
  • (Robin Williams) "Hey, dude. Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right. Got a surprise for you."
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "Ooh, a stripper?"
  • (Robin Williams) "No, please."
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "Two strippers?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Haw, boy."
  • (Robin Williams) "Take five. Take five million. You're dead."
  • (Robin Williams) "What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for twenty-five years?"
  • (Robert Prosky) "Me."
  • (Robin Williams) "I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee."
  • (Robin Williams) "I was going kind of a refugee motif. You know, "fleeing my homeland" kind of thing. But look at you. This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. What's your Indian name, Shops With A Fist?"
  • (Sally Field) "Are my children ready yet?"
  • (Robin Williams) "No, our children are not ready yet. Because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off."
  • (Robin Williams) "Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse."
  • (Robert Prosky) "Daniel?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Yeah?"
  • (Robert Prosky) "Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show."
  • (Robert Prosky) "Host?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children."
  • (Robin Williams) "Surprise."
  • (Robert Prosky) "Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?"
  • (Robin Williams) "I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, I will not do this. I cannot. Oh what a foul way for a bird to die. I don't wanna get beak cancer. No. My lungs are blackened."
  • (Terence McGovern) "Alright, cut. Cut."
  • (Robin Williams) "Help me, help me."
  • (Terence McGovern) "Daniel, that line was not in the script, why did you add it?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Well I thought I should comment on the situation."
  • (Terence McGovern) "What situation?"
  • (Robin Williams) "The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a had cigarette shoved right into his mouth, is morally irresponsible."
  • (Terence McGovern) "This is a cartoon, OK? This is not a frigging Oprah Winfrey special."
  • (Robin Williams) "Lou, millions of kids see this TV show. It's like sending them each a pack of cigarettes and saying "Light up."."
  • (Robin Williams) "May I see the ad? Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father."
  • (Sally Field) "Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Are you offering?"
  • (Sally Field) "Not any more."
  • (Robin Williams) "What's the change?"
  • (Robin Williams) "It's not working. I need to go older."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?"
  • (Robin Williams) "What's the difference?"
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "Some Scotch tape and red hair dye."
  • (Robin Williams) "What about Joan Collins?"
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster."
  • (Robin Williams) "Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?"
  • (Robin Williams) "They should have a little disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oi, it was such a shandw. I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel. It's so chewy."
  • (Robin Williams) "No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress. And you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed."
  • (Robin Williams) "God bless you."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "I think we're gonna have to do the entire face."
  • (Robin Williams) "But look at this nice thing though we have here."
  • (Robin Williams) "Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-sorus line."
  • (Robin Williams) "And now ladies and gentlemen, the King."
  • (Robin Williams) "Hey thank you, I'ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus."
  • (Robin Williams) "Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum. Oh I can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct. Now it's time for the Raptor rap."
  • (Robin Williams) "Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil."
  • (Robin Williams) "Newspaper? Are you taking one of those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B&D;?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Welcome to Euphegenia's house. A little draughty, but you know. It's nice. What can I do for you?"
  • (Sally Field) "First of all, congratulations on the show."
  • (Robin Williams) "Thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal, you know."
  • (Sally Field) "We've -- The kids -- We've been watching every day."
  • (Robin Williams) "It's nice to know they can see me every day."
  • (Sally Field) "Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take a long time to get over all the fights and -- all the horrible things we said to each other. It's -- It's so hard. But I know somehow you and I will be all right and we'll get through this. But the kids -- I don't want to hurt our children."
  • (Robin Williams) "So what do you want me to do? You want me to pretend like everything's all right? Put on a happy face? Smile? Jesus, Miranda. You took my children away from me. I can only see them now with supervision. Some woman who comes and watches me with the kids like I'm some sort of deviant. If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why. You know what that's like? You just sat there in that courtroom, you knew the truth, you didn't say a word and you let that judge pass that despicable sentence."
  • (Sally Field) "I was angry."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, God."
  • (Sally Field) "Look, you hurt me, too."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, you ripped my heart out. Will you come back and do it again."
  • (Sally Field) "You lied -- You lied -- Uh, you know what?"
  • (Robin Williams) "What?"
  • (Sally Field) "I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna do "who did what to whom"."
  • (Sally Field) "Ever since this happened, I've been trying to make sense out of it. And the only thing I know to be true in my heart is that the children were happier -- when Mrs. Doubtfire was a part of their lives."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, yeah?"
  • (Sally Field) "She -- She brought out the best in them. She brought out the best in you."
  • (Robin Williams) "And you."
  • (Sally Field) "Yeah. They miss her terribly."
  • (Robin Williams) "What are you saying?"
  • (Sally Field) "Daniel, the kids need you."
  • (Robin Williams) "I need them."
  • (Robin Williams) "Salutations, snack."

Sally Field as Miranda

  • (Sally Field) "The whole time? I mean the whole time?"
  • (Sally Field) "The whole time?"
  • (Sally Field) "Hello?"
  • (Robin Williams) "-- Aaaaaargh. Laila, get back into your cell. Don't make me get the hose. Hello?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but -- how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?"
  • (Sally Field) "Well, that part was always -- okay."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston."
  • (Sally Field) "What was the matter with Winston?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself.""
  • (Sally Field) "Mrs. Doubtfire."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "What?"
  • (Sally Field) "You're going into the men's room."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses dear. Sorry."
  • (Sally Field) "Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Uh-huh"
  • (Sally Field) "Tell me, who was your previous employer?"
  • (Robin Williams) "I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'."
  • (Sally Field) "In a band?"
  • (Robin Williams) "I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?"
  • (Sally Field) "Umm, I'll have to get back to you."
  • (Robin Williams) "Wow."
  • (Sally Field) "We're all doing so great."
  • (Robin Williams) "Ohh. Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true."
  • (Cop) "Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?"
  • (Sally Field) "What if you're married to one?"
  • (Sally Field) "I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts. You bring home the god**** San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it."
  • (Sally Field) "Isn't he fabulous?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny."
  • (Sally Field) "He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions."
  • (Sally Field) "This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright?"
  • (Sally Field) "Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh, certainly, dear."
  • (Sally Field) "How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away -- Did you feel any desire?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Never."
  • (Sally Field) "Never?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Never again."
  • (Sally Field) "Never again?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy."
  • (Sally Field) "Celibacy?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you. Good luck."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Marriage can be such a blessing."
  • (Sally Field) "So can divorce."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all."
  • (Sally Field) "Who needs a husband when I've got you?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?"
  • (Sally Field) "Yes, I did."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh, it reeks of taste."
  • (Sally Field) "What happened?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him."
  • (Sally Field) "How awful. He was an alcoholic?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him."
  • (Sally Field) "Daniel, the kids need you."
  • (Robin Williams) "I need them."
  • (Sally Field) "Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny. He could always make me laugh."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter."
  • (Sally Field) "But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Why?"
  • (Sally Field) "I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Really?"
  • (Sally Field) "The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And -- I'm sure he's better when he's not with me."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Well, you never -- I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?"
  • (Sally Field) "Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then I was serious enough for everybody."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't do laundry, I don't do windows, I don't do carpets, I don't do bathtubs, I don't do toilets, I don't do diapers --"
  • (Sally Field) "Um, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, I don't do washing, I don't do basements, I don't do dinners, and I don't do reading."

Lisa Jakub as Lydie

  • (Lisa Jakub) "Dad, why can't you just pretend?"
  • (Robin Williams) "To be what, honey?"
  • (Lisa Jakub) "Pretend to be Mrs. Doubtfire and pretend to be Pudgy the bird and all those other things. Why can't you and Mom just pretend to be happy?"
  • (Robin Williams) "We probably could."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "And we'd still be a family."
  • (Robin Williams) "Yeah we would be, but we'd be a pretend family, you know? It wouldn't be real. You'd know, you'd know we'd be acting. You can't act 24 hours a day, I'm not that good an actor, today proved that. No, life's more real and wonderful and acting is nice, it's a job."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "It's your job to be our father."
  • (Robin Williams) "No it's not a job, it's a joy being your father, I don't have to play the part of your father, I am your father, I may act like a fool, but I am your father, okay? Always, rain, shine, it's the one wonderful thing in my life."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "This is exploitation. It's not fair."
  • (Mara Wilson) "Shut up, Lydie."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "All right everybody, it's time to expand your minds, it's --"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Homework time. Okay?"
  • (Lisa Jakub) "Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "No. Now."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "No."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "We always watch Dick Van Dyke."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Really? Well, not anymore."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "The only thing you'll be watching -- is Deep CNN."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "Freeze, or you're gonna get it."
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "In the balls."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "Yeah."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "She's got 'em?"
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "She's got everything."
  • (Robin Williams) "All right. Listen to me. I'm not -- who you think I am."
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "Yeah, no s***."
  • (Robin Williams) "Watch your mouth, young man."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Lydie."

Pierce Brosnan as Stu

  • (Pierce Brosnan) "People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?"
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "What about their real father?"
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Can you help me with something, I found this outside."
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "Uh, yes, this is off my, uh, Mercedes."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?"
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "Mrs. Doubtfire, please."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth."
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Loser? Oh, yeah."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh, sir. I saw it. Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists. They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry."
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "How about you, Mrs. Doubtfire?"
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh, you wicked, wicked man. Isn't there enough flesh here to feast your eyes on?"
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire, don't be bashful."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Oh, no, dear. I think they've outlawed whaling."
  • (Maitre D') "Smoking or non-smoking?"
  • (Pierce Brosnan) "Non-smoking."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Smoking."

Harvey Fierstein as Frank

  • (Harvey Fierstein) "Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman."
  • (Harvey Fierstein) "Why wasn't I an only child?"

Mara Wilson as Natalie

  • (Mara Wilson) "We're his damn kids too."
  • (Robin Williams) "Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things."
  • (Sally Field) "Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old, Daniel?"
  • (Mara Wilson) "We're in the middle of "Charlotte's Web". Who's gonna finish it?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Well, Grandma will finish it for you."
  • (Mara Wilson) "She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too."
  • (Robin Williams) "That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved."

Matthew Lawrence as Chris

  • (Matthew Lawrence) "Lydia. We gotta call the cops. We gotta dial 911 now."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "Why?"
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "Mrs. Doubtfire. He's a she. She's a he. He's a she-she."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "What?"
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "He's half-man, half-woman."
  • (Lisa Jakub) "WHAT?"
  • (Matthew Lawrence) "You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do you, Dad?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Well, some of it's comfortable. No. It's a pain in the padded ass."

Robert Prosky as Jonathan Lundy

  • (Robert Prosky) "Daniel?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Hmm?"
  • (Robert Prosky) "Are you wearing ladies' perfume?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Yes, I am."
  • (Robert Prosky) "Are you wearing lipstick?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Yeah."
  • (Robert Prosky) "Why?"
  • (Robin Williams) "It rubbed off."
  • (Robert Prosky) "From whom?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Girl I used to date. She's a waitress."
  • (Robert Prosky) "A waitress? Here?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, yeah. On the way to the bathroom -- couldn't keep her hands off me."
  • (Robert Prosky) "You dog."
  • (Robin Williams) "You scallywag."
  • (Robert Prosky) "Where the hell have you been? I took the liberty of ordering you another Scotch."
  • (Robin Williams) "Bully."

Anne Haney as Mrs. Sellner

  • (Anne Haney) "Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, yes, I do. I do voices."
  • (Anne Haney) "What do you mean, you do voices?"
  • (Robin Williams) "Well, I do voices."
  • (Robin Williams) "Yes."
  • (Robin Williams) "We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake."
  • (Robin Williams) "Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card."
  • (Robin Williams) "I want you in the worst way."
  • (Robin Williams) "Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that."
  • (Robin Williams) "Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment."
  • (Robin Williams) "Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you."
  • (Robin Williams) "I'll be crazy to make a deal with you."
  • (Robin Williams) "Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head."
  • (Robin Williams) "This is it. Yes, I'm doing it. I'm sitting on a gold mine."
  • (Robin Williams) "Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it."
  • (Robin Williams) "I do a great impression of a hot dog."
  • (Anne Haney) "Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?"
  • (Robin Williams) "I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you."

Scott Beach as Judge

  • (Scott Beach) "Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time."
  • (Robin Williams) "Your Honour, in the past two months, I've secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it "an environment fit for children". Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements. Ahead of schedule. In regards to my behaviour -- I can only plead insanity. Because, ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. Once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them ever day -- It's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. I know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just -- They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them. So, please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you."
  • (Scott Beach) "Mr. Hillard. You've been able to fool a lot of people into believing that you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be -- very heartfelt and genuine. But I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more."
  • (Robin Williams) "No. It's not that."
  • (Scott Beach) "The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past month has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behaviour. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard."
  • (Robin Williams) "Oh, God, no, sir, please."
  • (Scott Beach) "You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday."
  • (Robin Williams) "Supervised, sir?"
  • (Scott Beach) "Yes. A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will re-examine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned."

Sydney Walker as Bus Driver

  • (Sydney Walker) "I like that Mediterranean look in women. Natural, healthy. Just the way God made you."
  • (Mrs. Doubtfire) "Well, He broke the mold when He made me. He made me very special."
  • (Sydney Walker) "He sure did."

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