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124 Greatest Simpsons Quotations - Page 5

89. Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
90. Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.
91. Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
92. Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...
93. Milhouse: I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
94. Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
95. Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
96. Apu: Thank you, steal again.
97. Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
98. Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
99. Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
100. Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
101. Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
102. Homer: "Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him."
103. Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
104. Homer: (Trying to get out of going to church) "And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!"
105. God: "Thou hast forsaken My Church!"
Homer: "Uh, kind of ... but ...."
God: "But what?"
Homer: "I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"
God: [pause] "Hmm ... You've got a point there."
106. Bart: "Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman, or Michael Jackson."
Milhouse: "But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?"
[Scene cuts to Reverend Lovejoy in his office, working a change-sorting machine]
107. Ned: "Homer, God didn't set your house on fire."
Rev. Lovejoy: "No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous."
Apu: "Hindu! There are 700 million of us!"
Rev. Lovejoy: (condescendingly) "Aw, that's super."
108. Bart: (saying Grace) "Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing."
109. Milhouse as Moses: "So what's next for the Israelites?"
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