Married... with Children Quotes

Married... with Children is a Sitcom that first aired in 1987 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Married... with Children ended its run in 1997.

Married... with Children was on for 11 seasons and 259 episodes. It features Barbara Blachut Cramer, and John Maxwell Anderson as producer, and Sammy Cahn; Jimmy Van Heusen as theme composer. Married... with Children is executive produced by Michael G. Moye; Ron Leavitt, Katherine Green, Richard Gurman, and Kim Weiskopf; Pamela Eells O'Connell. Married... with Children is created by Michael G. Moye; Ron Leavitt.

Married... with Children is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Married... with Children is 22-23 minutes long. Married... with Children is produced by * ELP Communications and distributed by Columbia Pictures Television, Columbia TriStar Television, and Sony Pictures Television.

Married... with Children Quotes

• (Al) "What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again."

• (Al) "Jefferson. Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start."
• (Jefferson) "The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny."
• (Al) "Oh my God. Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him."
• (Al) "Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?"
• (Jefferson) "Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time."

• (Peggy) "What would you like?"
• (Al) "A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef."

• (Peggy) "A pox on you, Al."
• (Al) "Yeah; like I'd notice."

• (Al) "It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy."
• (Peggy) "I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band."

• (Marge) "I need shoes."

• (Unnamed) "You stink."

• (Kelly) "Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are."

• (Unnamed) "A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old./Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad./He's quick with a gun./And his job ain't done./Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad."
• (Al) "This is why we must give to PBS."

• (Al) "Let's rock."

• (Al) "Women should have three breasts; two in front and one in the back for dancing."

• (Peggy) "And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE."
• (Al) "THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD."

• (Bud) "WHOA BUNDY."

• (Bud) "Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress."
• (Kelly) "Which one?"

• (Al) "Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour."

• (Al) "Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to."

• (Kelly) "Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall -- eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall."

• (Al) "I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want -- this room. It's really nice -- Are you thinking of moving out, son?"
• (Bud) "No, Dad."
• (Al) "Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask."

• (Kelly) "I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century."

• (Jefferson) "Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting."

• (Peggy) "I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?"

• (Peggy) "No TV, Al, we're talking."
• (Al) "You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV."

• (Al) "You know? It does get kind of boring around her."
• (Bud) "Then why do you come?"
• (Al) "For this -- Excuse me sir? You bumped into me and I think you owe me an appology."
• (Unnamed) "Drop dead."

• (Kelly) "Bud, what is this word?"
• (Bud) "'A.'"
• (Kelly) "Oh cool, just like the letter."

• (Unnamed) "I need shoes."
• (Al) "Blacksmith's right around the corner."

• (Al) "There is no mix up a sander won't fix up"

• (Al) "Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out -- and it laughed at me."
• (Peggy) "Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either."

• (Al) "I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home."

• (Peggy) "Sooo -- we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno."

• (Reporter) "Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France."

• (Al) "Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President."

• (Al) "Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?"
• (Bud) "Hi, Mom."

• (Al) "Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey."

• (Al) "And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school."

• (Al) "At the nudie bar."

• (Peggy) "Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work."
• (Kelly) "I'm scared; hold me, Mom."
• (Peggy) "Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work."
• (Kelly) "Thanks, Mom; you're so wise."
• (Peggy) "Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something."

• (Al) "Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting."
• (Marcy) "Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?"
• (Al) "I thought that was your job."
• (Jefferson) "No, my job is to stuff the bird every night."

• (Al) "Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials."

• (Al) "Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid."

• (Kelly) "Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive."

• (Al) "Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams -- and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league."

• (Peggy) "Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels."

• (Unnamed) "Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
• (Al) "Do I look that stupid to you?"

• (Marcy) "What would it be like if men had breasts?"
• (Al) "We wouldn't need women any more."

• (Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal) "This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal."

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