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Mallrats Quotes

Mallrats is a television program that appeared on TV in 1970 . Mallrats ended in 1970.

It features Sean Daniel; James Jacks; Scott Mosier as producer, Ira Newborn in charge of musical score, and Dave Klein (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Mallrats is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Mallrats is 94 minutes long. Mallrats is distributed by Gramercy Pictures.

The cast includes: Jeremy London as T.S. Quint, Jason Lee as Brodie, Claire Forlani as Brandi, Brian O'Halloran as Gil Hicks, Ben Affleck as Shannon Hamilton, Shannen Doherty as Rene, Jason Mewes as Jay, Art James as Bob Summers, Joey Lauren Adams as Gwen, Michael Rooker as Jared Svenning, Renee Humphrey as Tricia Jones, Bryan Johnson as Steve-Dave Pulasti, Walt Flanagan as Walt "Fanboy" Grover, Priscilla Barnes as Ivannah, Ben Affleck as Shannon, and Scott Mosier as Roddy.

Mallrats Quotes

Brian O'Halloran as Gil Hicks

  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?"
  • (Scott Mosier) "Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria."
  • (Scott Mosier) "What happened to these two?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?"
  • (Scott Mosier) "Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it. Security."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey, Roddy."
  • (Security Guard) "Somebody call security? What happened here?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "That's not what happ --"
  • (Jeremy London) "Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start."
  • (Security Guard) "Whatever."
  • (Jason Lee) "Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine."
  • (Jason Lee) "Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Hey, do I get a chance to field any more questions?"
  • (Claire Forlani) "NO."

Jason Lee as Brodie

  • (Jason Lee) "I call you all time."
  • (Shannen Doherty) ""Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over." You call that romantic? When was the last time you pulled out my chair, or told me I was beautiful?"
  • (Jason Lee) "And this guy does all this in a day?"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "This guy already introduced me to his mother."
  • (Jason Lee) "Really?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met."
  • (Jason Lee) "What happened to these two?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Power of the dark side."
  • (Jeremy London) "Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three. What happened to the third guy?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "I never saw a third guy."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "What happened to these two?"
  • (Jeremy London) "Um -- they got light headed."
  • (Jason Mewes) "You got that right."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?"
  • (Jason Lee) "What do you care, asshole?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three."
  • (Jeremy London) "We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Look man, don't give him any shit."
  • (Jason Lee) "I love the smell of commerce in the morning."
  • (Jason Lee) "You know how when someone lays with their back to you, and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them?"
  • (Jeremy London) "It's called spooning."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere. You can either lay on it or shove it between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like that. So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while still laying close to her."
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "And?"
  • (Jason Lee) "What do you mean, 'and'? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court."
  • (Saleslady at Lingerie Store) "I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me."
  • (Jason Lee) "My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free"."
  • (Jeremy London) "She didn't."
  • (Jason Lee) "All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Sega."
  • (Jason Lee) "Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent; I don't care which one; but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for."
  • (Jason Lee) "I would've made a sexy chick."
  • (Jason Lee) "You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment --"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there."
  • (Jason Lee) "Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "For what?"
  • (Jason Lee) "For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale --"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "Brodie, Brodie --"
  • (Jason Lee) "-- or a boat show --"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "Brodie. I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment."
  • (Jason Lee) "Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator -- present company excluded."
  • (Jeremy London) "Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back."
  • (Jason Lee) "I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you."
  • (Jason Lee) "See, that's what you get for fucking with me."
  • (Stan Lee) "They look happy, don't they?"
  • (Jason Lee) "What, the bras?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You used to like tits too."
  • (Jeremy London) "Hey, I love tits as much as the next guy, but why should I pay some old hag good money for some supernatural chicanery coupled with a pair of sagging wrinkled weathered boobs?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?"
  • (Jason Lee) "After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him."
  • (Jeremy London) "How do you propose I do that?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You stinkpalm him."
  • (Jeremy London) "Stinkpalm?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell."
  • (Jeremy London) "You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?""
  • (Jeremy London) "Whats the point?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly."
  • (Jeremy London) "Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit."
  • (Jason Lee) "Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies."
  • (Stan Lee) "They look happy don't they?"
  • (Jason Lee) "I suppose, as far as couples go."
  • (Stan Lee) "You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-man I did. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up, and he pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing."
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh, my god -- holy shit. Aren't you --"
  • (Stan Lee) "Oh, Stan Lee, hi."
  • (Jason Lee) "One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt. What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy."
  • (Jason Lee) "I took you shopping all the time."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "You took me where you went shopping, you jerk. You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit when two major comic book labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the same book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it. I wanna do girly things. Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic sentiments."
  • (Jason Lee) "Jesus Christ. What the hell gives with the cover boy?"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "None of your business, but he'll kick your ass if he knows what you just pulled."
  • (Jason Lee) "Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist. Is that my jacket?"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "Start the elevator."
  • (Jason Lee) "Not until you tell me what the situation is with you and the Sperminator out there. How long has this been going on?"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "Since I mustered the good sense to send you packing. He's a much more suitable companion than you any day."
  • (Jason Lee) "Are you nuts? The guy's pure testosterone. He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole."
  • (Jason Lee) "Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?"
  • (Jeremy London) "No, why do you ask?"
  • (Jason Lee) "I never farted in front of Renee. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me."
  • (Jeremy London) "You think that's why Renee dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating --"
  • (Jason Lee) "She was going down on me at the time."
  • (Jason Lee) "What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I'm relaxed I squirt."
  • (Jeremy London) "If all she did was dump you, you got off light."
  • (Jason Lee) "You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class"."
  • (Jeremy London) "That wasn't me. It was you."
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh, yeah."
  • (Jeremy London) "And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother."
  • (Jason Lee) "No wonder the bitch went down so fast."
  • (Jason Lee) "How much longer are we gonna be in this chick store? I'm starting to get a mean hard-on."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey Hamilton. Let's try and wrap this up, alright? I promised her breakfast."
  • (Jason Lee) "I threw her away like a parking ticket."
  • (Jason Lee) "The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched."
  • (Jeremy London) "You're such an anal retentive bastard."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no. You wanted to play little league instead."
  • (Jason Lee) "Little Trisha here is only fifteen, but somehow she's a senior."
  • (Jeremy London) "How did you manage that?"
  • (Renee Humphrey) "Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah, right. So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. Or what?"
  • (Jeremy London) "Jesus, Brodie."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey, what's going on in there?"
  • (Bryan Johnson) "I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall."
  • (Jason Lee) "Warned? What the fuck are you talking about?"
  • (Walt Flanagan) "Tell him, Steve-Dave."
  • (Jason Lee) "Fuck you, Fanboy."
  • (Jeremy London) "When you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering."
  • (Jason Lee) "Did you see that shit? You call that romance?"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "I call that illegal."
  • (Jason Lee) "The Thing. Is his dork made out of orange rock like the rest of his body?"
  • (Stan Lee) "I don't know. It's a superhero secret."
  • (Jason Lee) "Want a sip of my soda?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You two are retarded for each other."
  • (Jason Lee) "You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway."
  • (Jason Lee) "Really? Why?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "What else are we gonna do?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey, you know where you're going, they screw people in a very uncomfortable place."
  • (Ben Affleck) "Really?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah."
  • (Arresting Cop #2) "Hey, hey. You can't strike a prisoner in police custody."
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh, come on. Just once?"
  • (Arresting Cop #2) "All right, but make it fast."
  • (Jason Lee) "You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?"
  • (Jason Lee) "You're going to listen to me ? To something that I said? Hell, most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass -- or sticking my hand in it."
  • (Jason Lee) "These should have boards in them. Bloody savage."
  • (Jason Lee) "Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey."

Claire Forlani as Brandi

  • (Claire Forlani) "Second Suitor? If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Wow. That's a great question. Tough one, though I mean, what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? The ability to banter well with super villians?"
  • (Claire Forlani) "How's your comic book collection, Brodie?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh it's goin' good. But, I mean --"
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh, comics? what are you talkin' about lady? I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids."
  • (Claire Forlani) "Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Wait, what's whoopee?"
  • (Claire Forlani) "You know, being intimate."
  • (Jason Lee) "What? Like fucking?"
  • (Claire Forlani) "Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up."
  • (Jason Lee) "That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own."
  • (Claire Forlani) "Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed."
  • (Jason Lee) "Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that."
  • (Art James) "Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond."
  • (Jason Lee) "Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Who the hell did you see me kiss?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "I don't hate gay people."
  • (Jason Lee) "So you love them?"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Yes. I mean no."
  • (Jason Lee) "Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality."
  • (Claire Forlani) "Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?"
  • (Jason Lee) "I already did once today."
  • (Jason Lee) "But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap. The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Well, did he cum, or what?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public."
  • (Claire Forlani) "Suitor number one. If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?"
  • (Jason Lee) "When Jaws popped out of the water --"
  • (Claire Forlani) "Suitor #2 --"
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "Hey, what about me?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Aw Gil, just shut the fuck up."

Shannen Doherty as Rene

  • (Shannen Doherty) "What are you doing? You promised me breakfast."
  • (Jason Lee) "Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "That was too little too late."
  • (Jason Lee) "Too little? You said it was a good size."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "The effort, you retard. The effort was too little too late."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "But, now that you mention it, when a girl says its a good size, that's a nice way of saying that it's small."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey."
  • (Willam Black) "Brenda?"
  • (Shannen Doherty) "DICK."
  • (Shannen Doherty) "Do you really wanna know?"
  • (Jason Lee) "I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role; the concerned guy."

Priscilla Barnes as Ivannah

  • (Priscilla Barnes) "It's the third nipple that does it."
  • (Jeremy London) "Oh, you have a third nipple? I didn't notice."
  • (Jason Lee) "What are you talking about ? It's as clear as day. Look at it for god's sake."
  • (Priscilla Barnes) "You can stare at it. I don't mind."
  • (Priscilla Barnes) "Fucussa."
  • (Jason Lee) "That's what I was thinking."
  • (Jeremy London) "She said 'focus'."
  • (Jason Lee) "Whatever."
  • (Priscilla Barnes) "Free your minds."
  • (Jason Lee) "I'd like to free something --"

Jason Mewes as Jay

  • (Jason Mewes) "Where do you get these wonderful toys? ]"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style."
  • (Jason Lee) "Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "No, Wolverine. Shnickty shnickty shnoine."
  • (Jason Lee) "See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws."
  • (Jeremy London) "I never would have guessed."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Fly, Fatass, fly."
  • (Jason Mewes) "This is for Brodie."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Human brown-eye here's a walking calamity. We're going to have to pass on this stage trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Is he gone?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog --"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod. Snootchie-bootchies. Ehehehehe."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down."
  • (Jason Lee) "Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's better than MacGyver."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Phase one: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Nootch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Dude, this one looks like your mom."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Bye baby kitties. Damn Silent Bob, show some heart."
  • (Jason Mewes) "You're fucking kidding me. The Easter bunny did this?"
  • (Jason Lee) "All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down."
  • (Jason Mewes) "He's fucking dead."
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure."
  • (Jeremy London) "What the hell happened?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass."
  • (Jason Lee) "I had it coming."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob."
  • (Jeremy London) "What really happened?"
  • (Jason Lee) "The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach."
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "Shannon Hamilton?"
  • (Jeremy London) "You know that guy?"
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable."
  • (Jeremy London) "What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Sounds like his M.O."
  • (Jason Mewes) "What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt. And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Dude, you'se a mad chick magnet."

Jeremy London as T.S. Quint

  • (Jeremy London) "How much did you smoke?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights."
  • (Jeremy London) "How much do I owe you?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies."
  • (Jeremy London) "Let's hope there is a next time."
  • (Jeremy London) "We slept together one time, do you remember, that ski trip?"
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "That was you?"
  • (Jeremy London) "But they're engaged."
  • (Jason Lee) "Doesn't matter, it can't happen."
  • (Jeremy London) "Why not? It's bound to come up."
  • (Jason Lee) "It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?"
  • (Jeremy London) "Sure, why not?"
  • (Jason Lee) "He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him."
  • (Jeremy London) "How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Cookie stand isn't part of the food court."
  • (Jeremy London) "Of course it is."
  • (Jason Lee) "The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here."
  • (Jeremy London) "The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court."
  • (Jason Lee) "Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject --"
  • (Jeremy London) "I was going to propose to her."
  • (Jason Lee) "Where?"
  • (Jeremy London) "The Universal Tour."
  • (Jason Lee) "You're kidding. What part?"
  • (Jeremy London) "When Jaws popped out of the water."
  • (Jason Lee) "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."
  • (Jeremy London) "Too bad I'm not trying to marry you."
  • (Jeremy London) "Woah, she calls you "callow" in here."
  • (Jason Lee) "You say that like it's bad."
  • (Jeremy London) "It means frightened and weak-willed."
  • (Jason Lee) "Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary."
  • (Jeremy London) "That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah, but only if they were really old."
  • (Jeremy London) "You should see yourself right now; a grown man with his hand down his pants."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah, I probably look like my old man."
  • (Jeremy London) "You two up for getting stoned?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Look who you're asking."
  • (Jeremy London) "Why do palm reading topless?"
  • (Jason Lee) "It makes the news easier to take. She could tell me I was going to die in ten minutes, just as long as she told me topless."
  • (Jeremy London) "Your maleness amazes me sometimes."
  • (Jeremy London) "What's he doing?"
  • (Jason Mewes) "Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Knock it off."
  • (Jason Lee) "The force is strong with this one."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Dude, don't encourage him."
  • (Jeremy London) "I got to hit the bathroom."
  • (Jason Lee) "PLEASE. Don't say "hit"."
  • (Jeremy London) "Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?""
  • (Ben Affleck) "Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay."
  • (Ben Affleck) "The customer is always an asshole."
  • (Jeremy London) "How do I do that?"

Joey Lauren Adams as Gwen

  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "How is it that you recall the most trivial events?"
  • (Jason Lee) "I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?"
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?"
  • (Jeremy London) "Except for the moustache."
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "Why are you glowing?"
  • (Jason Lee) "I'm not glowing."
  • (Joey Lauren Adams) "Tell me about the elevator."
  • (Jason Lee) "It goes up-and-down. Ba-dump-tsss."

Renee Humphrey as Tricia Jones

  • (Renee Humphrey) "I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused."

Ben Affleck as Shannon Hamilton

  • (Ben Affleck) "You wanna say something?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em all."
  • (Ben Affleck) "That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair."
  • (Jason Lee) "Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place."
  • (Brian O'Halloran) "What -- like the back of a Volkswagen?"
  • (Ben Affleck) "You're sure you saw her get on?"
  • (Jeremy London) "Maybe she was getting off --"
  • (Ben Affleck) "Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl."
  • (Jason Mewes) "Goddamn. This is one wacky game show."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey. That girl's only 15."
  • (Ben Affleck) "Ah, 15. I thought she was 36."
  • (Ben Affleck) "Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her."

Michael Rooker as Jared Svenning

  • (Michael Rooker) "Once I realized the both of you were in the mall together, I decided to set up this little ambush to remove you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently."
  • (Jason Lee) "Hey, why am I his side-kick? How do you know he's not my side-kick?"

Art James as Bob Summers

  • (Art James) "Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics. Say hi to Doug Paging."
  • (Jason Mewes) "DO IT DOUG."

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