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Crossing Jordan Quotes

Crossing Jordan is a TV show that was first aired in 2001 on NBC. Crossing Jordan completed its run in 2007.

Crossing Jordan lasted 6 seasons and 117 episodes. It features Gary Glasberg, Melissa R. Byer, Andi Bushell, Jim Praytor, and Treena Hancock as producer. Crossing Jordan is executive produced by Tim Kring, Dennis Hammer, Allan Arkush, Kathy McCormick, Jon Cowan, and Robert L. Rovner. Crossing Jordan is created by Tim Kring.

Crossing Jordan is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Crossing Jordan is 42-44 minutes long. Crossing Jordan is produced by Tailwind Productions and distributed by NBCUniversal Television Distribution.

The cast includes: Steve Valentine as Dr. Nigel Townsend, Ravi Kapoor as Bug, Jill Hennessey as Jordan, Camille Guaty as Susan, Jerry O'Connell as Woody, Miguel Ferrer as Macy, Ken Howard as Max, Kathryn Hahn as Lily, D. W. Moffett as Det. Winslow, Miguel Ferrer as Garrett, Lorraine Toussaint as Elaine, Steve Valentine as Nigel, Jennifer Finnigan as Devan Maguire, Ivan Sergei as Dr. Peter Winslow, Ken Howard as Madam, Lesley Ann Warren as Arlene Lebowski, Susan Gibney as DA Rene Walcott, Wallace Shawn as Dr. Stiles, Ken Howard as Detective Lieutenant Max Cavanaugh, Steve Valentine as Nurse, and Mahershala Ali as Dr. Trey Sanders.

Crossing Jordan Quotes

Steve Valentine as Dr. Nigel Townsend

  • (Steve Valentine) "How big would you like it?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "I meant the picture."
  • (Steve Valentine) "Please evacuate the keyboard area."
  • (Steve Valentine) "So if I killed my husband, where would I stash the body?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "If you killed your husband you'd have to start in the closet."
  • (Steve Valentine) "I'm so glad you decided to go undercover Woody. You're blending right in."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Sorry, I didn't get the memo. Did you sew those pants on yourself?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Why dine like kings when you're having dessert with Smith & Wesson?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "I paid seven homeless people to go dumpster diving for me."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Who's money did you use?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Yours."
  • (Steve Valentine) "Look, I don't know how much you know about Jordan, but- --"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "She's an enormous pain in the ass."
  • (Steve Valentine) "Is the bear Catholic?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "And if he is, does that mean the Pope --"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Jordan, you should know that last night will never happen again."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Oh God, what are we talking about here?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "My new image in the workplace. No more Nigel-the-computer-jockey. Okay, I was swept up in the moment, but now it's truly done."
  • (Steve Valentine) "Oh, Carpet Salesman of the Year 1989."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Is there anything sadder than being Carpet Salesman of the Year?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "How about still carrying the card in your wallet sixteen years later?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "The bullet then continues up the arm to break the humerus, not very funny in this case --"
  • (Mr. Hummer) "He will be preserved until his condition is reversible."
  • (Steve Valentine) "His condition is dead."
  • (Mr. Hummer) "Man, you people are like a broken record."

Jerry O'Connell as Woody

  • (Jerry O'Connell) "There are over 50 calls in the last three months to a Robert Whiting."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Why does that name sound familiar?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "You probably voted for him."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Don't tell me that I missed something."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Okay, I won't. But you did."
  • (Unnamed) "She got shot."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Yes, she did. In the line of duty. You know what that is, duty?"
  • (Unnamed) "When you go to the bathroom in your pants?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here. If I was looking for the wack-a-doo conspiracy version I would have called Jordan in."
  • (Steve Valentine) "I am some how both flattered and insulted by that."
  • (Unnamed) "I can pick that lock in like, five seconds."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Really? 'Cause I can do it in like, one."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I have been meaning to ask you why do they call you Bug?"
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Because I like insects. Why do they call you Woody?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Why are you here again?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Any way to tell her age from the autopsy?"
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Sure, I'll just cut her open and count the rings."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "You could have simply said no."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "What do we got?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Well, since they called for a medical examiner and homicide detective, my guess is a body."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Is sarcasm a prerequisite for being an ME?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "It helps."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "It's Jordan, isn't it? This trial would be over by now if she wasn't in there poking holes."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "That'd be my guess."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Jordan being Jordan."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Jordan, he's a psychopath."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "And I'm not?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Carlsen's car is a '65 El Dorado."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Hard to miss, considering it's the size of the QE II."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Looks like man vs. city bus. You can guess the outcome."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I have moral issues shooting live animals. I don't care if it is wabbit hunting season."
  • (Unnamed) "But you shoot people."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I shoot bad people."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, there's bad wabbit."
  • (Landlord) "Maybe he's at work."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "His wife never came home last night. Would you go to work the next morning?"
  • (Landlord) "Yeah, but you haven't met my husband."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I'd appreciate if you handle this with a little bit of sensitivity. I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm up for a promotion this year. So if word got out --"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Woody, Woody, Woody -- I promise that I will keep an open mind, okay? And anyway sensitivity is my middle name."
  • (Steve Valentine) "Sweet Mary in the manger."

Ken Howard as Detective Lieutenant Max Cavanaugh

  • (Ken Howard) "You know, we're starting a men's division, Detective Hoyt. In case you're ever interested in making some extra cash --"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I'll keep that in mind."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "What about me?"
  • (Ken Howard) "I'm not dead?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "No, we usually put a sheet over you for that"

Ivan Sergei as Dr. Peter Winslow

  • (Ivan Sergei) "So -- We're looking for a missing girl and a guy who doesn't exist. Hmmm -- That's challenging."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "Tell me about it."
  • (Ivan Sergei) "Smaller than I expected."

Jill Hennessey as Jordan

  • (Jill Hennessey) "I have so much energy."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Yeah, I can tell. Read your autopsy report. 12 pages to tell us she was hit in the back of the head with an unidentifiable object."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Hey Woods, whats it like kissing your sister?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Haven't you guys gotten yourselves in enough trouble for one night?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Is this the part where I'm supposed to apologize too?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Didn't want to ask the impossible."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "It's like you always tell me. The dead bodies are easy. It's the alive ones that get more complicated."
  • (Unnamed) "Should I take this to Macy?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "You can take this to the Pope for all I care."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "I don't mind being the center of attention. And I know in this business, no matter how good you are, it always comes down to one thing: your body."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Hey, you think the gift shop sells mittens?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "I thought you were done complaining."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "As soon as I'm done freezing."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "The moon's in uranus."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Excuse me."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "You know, professionally, I don't like you."
  • (Unnamed) "You're not supposed to. I'm a lawyer."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Garret Macy. Are you actually telling me to keep crusading?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "As if you would ever do what I tell you to do."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "That's it? You've got nothing to say to me."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Nope."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Woody, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. You used me."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "At least I didn't rat you out."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "No. You said this was about us, that you needed closure so you could move on."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Oh, come on, Jordan, does it always have to be about you?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Oh, you need help Woody."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I don't need help. Especially not from you."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Whenever I start to get close to someone this little voice starts screaming in my head. Run, fast. Crazy. Messed up. Cuckoo. I wish I could promise you it won't happen again, but it probably will."
  • (Unnamed) "You and I are on the same street, you know. Just different sides."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "That doesn't make us pals. So far; not a big fan."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't worry. I grow on people."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "So does fungus."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Welcome to the new millennium, Wood. White collar meets spiked collar."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "You're my bestest girlfriend."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "You're not really going to put me on that leash are you?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "You'd just chew through it."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "No, no. I watched you turn this morgue from a place we all love into an anal retentive dictator ship. You're an obsessive compulsive android with a Napoleon complex."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Kinda early for sphincter level 10, even for you Garrett."
  • (Reporter) "The way I see it you and I are on the same team here. The only difference is you're looking for a cause of death and I'm looking for a by-line."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "You keep following me you'll be looking for a hospital."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Garret, have you gotten any recently?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Pardon me?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "You heard me. How long has it been?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "We are not having this conversation."

Miguel Ferrer as Macy

  • (Miguel Ferrer) "If only we could harness that hot energy."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Yeah, Either that or we could just set his desk on fire."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Nobody knows what kind of parent they'd make until it's too late to back out."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "After three years, we might beat Miami."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Tofurkey?"
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "Yeah. Fake turkey. Want some?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "I'd rather eat sand."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "You okay, man?"
  • (Ivan Sergei) "Yeah. I'm just not used to working on bodies that are still bleeding."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Word of advice: try not to sabotage things before dessert."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Now that's what I call a pancreas."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "You still talk to God through this thing?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Naw, we e-mail now."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Why would you want to have sex six times in one day? I mean, come on, we're people not Bunnies."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "Dr.Macy said Bunnies."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Woody --"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Ahh."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "I think it's time you cut down on the java."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I think it's time you quit sneaking up on people."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "That was stupid and reckless what you did, you know that? You don't listen to me."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Come on, Garret."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "You do what you want. And if you hadn't this time, those boys wouldn't be alive now."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "All in a days work. No big deal."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "I'm still your boss and I'm telling you it was a big deal. Own it. I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "We should all sort out our personal demons before having children."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Dead men do tell tales, I guess."

Jennifer Finnigan as Devan Maguire

  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "You know, I've been trying to shake the whole cheerleader image for years. Is it really that bad?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Keep trying, luv."
  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "I've always been a good judge of character. I read people very well and I don't think he's guilty."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "I'm a pretty good judge of character too Devan. I had you pegged didn't I?"
  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "Don't tell me -- Pushy, driven --"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "And sometimes intolerable. See -- Impressive isn't it?"
  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "I didn't spend six years on postgraduate work to sit here on my shapely ass."
  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "So, you still think we would have hated each other in high school?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Oh, yeah."
  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "So, you, uh -- want to get some dinner?"
  • (Jill Hennessey) "No, not really."
  • (Jennifer Finnigan) "Good, me either."

D. W. Moffett as Det. Winslow

  • (D. W. Moffett) "You looked good holding that baby, maybe you should think about popping one out."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "Yeah, or maybe I should pop my foot up your ass."

Lesley Ann Warren as Arlene Lebowski

  • (Lesley Ann Warren) "You're not getting any younger."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "Oh, so I should be you? Jump anything with a pulse and a penis?"

Camille Guaty as Susan

  • (Camille Guaty) "What, are you playing bad cop?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "No, he's not playing. He just is -- bad."

Ravi Kapoor as Bug

  • (Ravi Kapoor) "I pulled tissue samples from John Doe and cross-referenced his biological data with local insect activity and came up with a time of death."
  • (Jill Hennessey) "That's my Bug."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Eleven days, four hours."
  • (Unnamed) "Four hours?"
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Well -- Give or take."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "I wanted to be a children doctor but little kids hated me."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "He's a reporter."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "How can you tell?"
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Calluses on the fingertips suggest a regular typist. Mysteriously empty tape recorder, and; oh, yeah -- his press pass says so."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "You know, I could always go get Nigel."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "If you love Nigel so much, why don't you marry him?"
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "We can actually do that now in Vermont."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Remember, heavy object, odd design."
  • (Jerry O'Connell) "Thanks. That really narrows things down."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "Just trying to help."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "She saw my name on the directory and a big sign on my forehead that said dumbass."
  • (Ravi Kapoor) "You might want to tread lightly, Lily."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "I tried that. Now I'm strapping on the stilettos."

Mahershala Ali as Dr. Trey Sanders

  • (Mahershala Ali) "How do you know all this, Nigel?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Insomnia and the History Channel. It's a lethal combination."

Wallace Shawn as Dr. Stiles

  • (Wallace Shawn) "People who don't care have nothing to lose. So either they started that way, or they've already lost everything. Those are dangerous people."
  • (Wallace Shawn) "I mean, for the last 24 years, you've been hiding in a locked room. You wanna -- leave a door open? Leave it open to let yourself out."
  • (Wallace Shawn) "Depressed?"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "About what?"
  • (Wallace Shawn) "Oh, I don't know. Anything; life, love, public transportation --"

Kathryn Hahn as Lily

  • (Unnamed) "Do you bake?"
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "I'm better at burning."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "You have the sensitivity of a lizard."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "Have you ever done anything too wild in your past that's hurt you professionally?"
  • (Steve Valentine) "Well, there was that one thing with the sword swallower and the bubble bath."
  • (Steve Valentine) "Never mind."

Susan Gibney as DA Rene Walcott

  • (Susan Gibney) "We met for a drink --"
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "And one thing led to a mother?"

Lorraine Toussaint as Elaine

  • (Lorraine Toussaint) "Garret, I'm serious. She is impossible to work with."
  • (Miguel Ferrer) "Here's a tip. It's easier if you don't listen when she talks."

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