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Cheers Quotes

Cheers is a Sitcom that was first aired in 1982 on NBC. Cheers stopped airing in 1993.

Cheers lasted 11 seasons and 275 episodes. It features Gary Portnoy, and Judy Hart Angelo as theme composer, Craig Safan as composer, and John Finger, and Kenneth Peach as head of cinematography. Cheers is executive produced by 1=, James Burrows; Glen and Les Charles; Bill and Cheri Steinkellner, Bill and Cheri Steinkellner, Phoef Sutton, Tom Anderson, and Dan O'Shannon. Cheers is created by Glen and Les Charles; James Burrows.

Cheers is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Cheers is 30 minutes long. Cheers is produced by Charles/Burrows/Charles Productions, and Paramount Television and distributed by Paramount Domestic Television. Spinoffs for this show include Frasier (1993-2004).

The cast includes: John Ratzenberger as Cliff, Rhea Perlman as Carla, Shelley Long as Diane, Ted Danson as Sam, Bebe Neuwirth as Lilith, George Wendt as Norm, Nicholas Colasanto as Coach, Kelsey Grammer as Frasier, Woody Harrelson as Woody, Kirstie Alley as Rebecca, Kelsey Grammer as Frasier Crane, and Ted Danson as Al.

Cheers Quotes

George Wendt as Norm

  • (George Wendt) "I have, on several occasions, been known to perspire a bit."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "We could grow rice."
  • (George Wendt) "I want something light and cold."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Sorry, it's Diane's day off."
  • (George Wendt) "Hey, Frasier, you're a doctor. What happens to old, dead skin?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Apparently it sits on barstools and drinks beer all day."
  • (George Wendt) "I'm trying to write a letter of recommendation for my secretary, Doris."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Why? Is she quitting?"
  • (George Wendt) "No, I gotta let her go. Business hasn't been so good since I decided to stop working."
  • (Unnamed) "What if I bought this guy a beer?"
  • (George Wendt) "Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips."
  • (George Wendt) "Next to Sammy's life, my life has always appeared dull. Then again, next to a barnacle's life, my life has always appeared dull."
  • (George Wendt) "Morning, everybody."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Beer, Mr. Peterson?"
  • (George Wendt) "Little early in the day isn't it, Woody?"
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Little early for a beer?"
  • (George Wendt) "No, for stupid questions."
  • (George Wendt) "She just didn't pass muster."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Well maybe she couldn't reach it."
  • (George Wendt) "It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."
  • (George Wendt) "I wish I had time for a hobby."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Norm, you've got time to make your own coal."
  • (George Wendt) "Did I tell you that I programmed myself to dream about your space last night?"
  • (George Wendt) "Uh, guys; sorry I didn't tell you, but I figured you wouldn't understand."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Ah, we don't care about your sexual orientation there, Normie. You can get stuff wholesale."
  • (George Wendt) "Boy oh boy. The thought of Sammy out there, chucking them down. What I wouldn't give to see that."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Norm, it's only a thirty-dollar train ride."
  • (George Wendt) "Well, that's what I wouldn't give."
  • (George Wendt) "Women. You can't live with 'em. Pass the beernuts."
  • (Wade Boggs) "Hi, I'm Wade Boggs."
  • (George Wendt) "Yeah, pal, and I'm Babe Ruth."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "And I'm Dizzy Dean."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "I'm Woody Boyd."
  • (George Wendt) "What's This Old House?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "It's a show on PBS."
  • (George Wendt) "What's PBS?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away."
  • (George Wendt) "Boy, I envy Sammy and his carefree lifestyle."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Yeah."
  • (George Wendt) "Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "You do not."
  • (George Wendt) "What do you mean? Last night I let out a moan at the thought of nuclear war."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "It wasn't 'cuz of nuclear war, it's cuz we ran out of beer nuts."
  • (George Wendt) "It was a combination of the two."

Kelsey Grammer as Frasier

  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Boy, I never felt so low in my life."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Well, Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "You know, on the way over, I decided to listen to a rock station to get into the mood. And I heard a line in one of those tribal passages that I thought was the keynote for this evening. "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.""
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Sam and Diane; you are now and have always been hopelessly in I guess the word for it is "love", and unfortunately for you, like it or not, you always will be."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I know, I know. Now you're going to deny it. Even though it's ludicrously obvious to everyone around you, you two will go on pretending it's not true because you're EMOTIONAL INFANTS. You're in a living HELL. You love each other, and you hate each other, and you hate yourselves for loving each other. Well, my dear friends, I want no part of it. It's time I just picked up where I left off. It's time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. So I'll get out of here so you can just get on with your denial fest."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is will pale by comparison."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "This afternoon in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS THE WORST THING."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Fire-red fingernails -- dancing through your chest hair."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo."
  • (Ted Danson) "Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "In a minute, Sam."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "All right, let's review. Last night, I got knee walking drunk and now I am back this bar a mere seven and a half hours later, hung over -- well, it's official. I have a problem."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "For I am a healer, that is what I do."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "And WE are PANTSERS --"
  • (George Wendt) "THAT is what WE do."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Don't worry. My old friend Buck taught me how to hotwire a car."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Sam, are you all right?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Diane?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "You see, Sammy. What your friend Buck never counted on was the Cliff Clavin Auto Security System. First, Mr. Car Thief gets the shock of his life, then the doors automatically lock and the alarm goes off."
  • (George Wendt) "Wait, the doors lock ?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Yeah, and the alarm should be going off. I don't know why it ain't working."
  • (George Wendt) "I guess I'll have to do it manually then --"
  • (George Wendt) "You locked us out of the car."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "So, um -- how do you like Cheers?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Well, we won't."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I appreciate your candor."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "No, you don't."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "You're right. I feel like striking you."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "But he WAS an ANIMAL. Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was he, a vegetable, a mineral? Oh, I know. He was the CEO of General Motors."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "We can put man on the moon but can't put metal in the microwave."
  • (Candi) "What's your name?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Oh, uh -- Dr. Frasier Crane."
  • (Candi) "I'm Candi."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I"."
  • (Candi) "Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something; not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something, naked, but the important thing is, I was a therapist again."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?"

Bebe Neuwirth as Lilith

  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Good afternoon, Dr. Crane."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation rather than sarcasm at my expense."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "No, that was completely at your expense."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Are you going to get your hair done for that?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Why on earth should I?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Like a body temperature?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "We've been examining our lives and discovered some frightening things."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawlspace?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Lilith."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "It was three o'clock in the morning, darling."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "People have flats at three in the morning."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "He was wearing a ski mask."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Woody, you don't even like this man. He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris, and now you're paying him to photograph you?"
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Well, he just borrows money from me anyway. This way I don't hafta worry about him paying me back."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "It's good you worked that out, Woody."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Frasier, how do expect Frederick to learn all the skills he needs if you're hanging out all day in a bar?"
  • (George Wendt) "Afternoon, everybody."
  • (Unnamed) "Norm."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Oh, he said, "Mama.""
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "No, you don't understand. Usually, we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Are you sure they weren't talking to you?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "No, Carla, they were talking about Whitey the rat."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly, I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Who is this Maggie?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Just a woman with whom Cliff had a romantic relationship."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Frasier, if you don't want to tell me just say so."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Rebecca Howe?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Yes?"
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "I'm saving you a lot of trouble, you know. Frasier is a good man, but he is obsessively compulsive and neurotic. Sure, the sex is great, but he gets his feelings hurt if you don't praise his performance. That can be taken care of with a simple "Thank you, Conan"."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Who are you and who is Frasier? I don't know Frasier and --"
  • (Kirstie Alley) ""Thank you, Conan"?"

Ted Danson as Sam

  • (Ted Danson) "Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by."
  • (Shelley Long) ""Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions."
  • (Ted Danson) "Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?"
  • (Shelley Long) "You ended that sentence with a proposition."
  • (Ted Danson) "Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."
  • (Ted Danson) "Listen, listen, listen; if you don't love the guy, then why don't you just back out of this?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "I'm supposed to tell the richest man in the world that I don't wanna marry him?"
  • (Ted Danson) "No, he's not rich anymore, remember?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "That's right. What's his number?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Time to rap about a controversy / Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy / Lotta folks says jocks shouldn't be / Doing the sports new on TV / I don't wanna hear the latest scores / From a bunch broadcast school boys / So get your scores from a guy like me / Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury. G-g-groin, g-g-groin injury."
  • (Ted Danson) "Say, Rebecca, where'd you go to college?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "University of Connecticut, why?"
  • (Ted Danson) "You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar"."
  • (Ted Danson) "You know -- you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?"
  • (Shelley Long) "You disgust me. I hate you."
  • (Ted Danson) "Are you turned on as I am?"
  • (Shelley Long) "More."
  • (Ted Danson) "I'm turning the key, but nothing's happening."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "That's because I've got it rigged up with an anti-theft device. What I do is I turn the wheel all the way to the left."
  • (Ted Danson) "Got it."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Then I turn the key as hard as I can."
  • (Ted Danson) "Oh dear. Cliff, I just broke off the key in the ignition."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "I said "As hard as I can", Sammy."
  • (Ted Danson) "Are you gonna fire him for that little thing?"
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "The only thing he's had in his hands this whole week is Diane's ass."
  • (Ted Danson) "Who's your secret admirer?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "None of your damn business."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "What'd she say?"
  • (Ted Danson) ""None of your damn business.""
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "Well, excuse me for living. How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?"
  • (Ted Danson) "You DID, Coach."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "Oh, then we're even."
  • (Ted Danson) "You drinking again?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Certainly not. I never stopped."
  • (Ted Danson) "She better be GREAT."
  • (Ted Danson) "Rebecca, could we have another round of beers? The guys are going through it like it's water."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Well, it's not."
  • (Ted Danson) "I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date."
  • (Shelley Long) "On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew."
  • (Ted Danson) "And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met."
  • (Shelley Long) "You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a --"
  • (Ted Danson) "SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth."
  • (Shelley Long) "Make me."
  • (Ted Danson) "Make you? My God, I'm gonna -- I'm gonna -- I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office."
  • (Shelley Long) "Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier."
  • (Ted Danson) "Hey, Norm, can I get you a beer?"
  • (George Wendt) "Beer? Isn't that the amber-colored, carbonated liquid? I've heard good things about it."
  • (Ted Danson) "Frasier, you realize you have to go back."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I -- hey."
  • (Ted Danson) "What'll you have Normie?"
  • (George Wendt) "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
  • (Ted Danson) "Looks like beer, Norm."
  • (George Wendt) "Call me Mister Lucky."
  • (Ted Danson) "What are you up to, Norm?"
  • (George Wendt) "My ideal weight -- if I were 11 feet tall."
  • (Ted Danson) "Have you noticed that, uh -- somebody in this bar is getting a little loony?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond loony."
  • (Ted Danson) "If I win, I get to go bed with you."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "What do I get if I win?"
  • (Ted Danson) "YOU get to go bed with ME."
  • (Ted Danson) "You know, you've made my life a living hell."
  • (Shelley Long) "Nobody said it would be easy."
  • (Ted Danson) "The ball seems a little low on air, Norm."
  • (George Wendt) "Yeah, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I used to go to the one next to Cheers."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "There's no gym next to Cheers."
  • (George Wendt) "I know, they tore it down to build the jewelry store."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "There's no jewelry store either."
  • (George Wendt) "I know, they tore that down to build the bank."
  • (Ted Danson) "Bank's been there as long as I can remember."
  • (George Wendt) "Well, there you go."
  • (Ted Danson) "Have a good life."
  • (Ted Danson) "You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy."
  • (Shelley Long) "They'd have to be."
  • (Ted Danson) "Damn."
  • (Ted Danson) "What's new, Normie?"
  • (George Wendt) "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."
  • (Ted Danson) "To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story."

Kirstie Alley as Rebecca

  • (Kirstie Alley) "So did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?"
  • (Ted Danson) "We sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you have ever seen."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Who do they look like Carla or Eddie."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Well they're twins. They kinda' look like each other."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority."
  • (Ted Danson) "Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Mr. Malone, are you developing a tic?"
  • (Ted Danson) "No, that was a wink."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Oh, then you're developing into a tick."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Your not letting your employees take advantage of you, are you?"
  • (George Wendt) "Yeah, maybe a little bit. Yesterday afternoon the guys decided to just knock off early and go bowling."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "So what did you do?"
  • (George Wendt) "I broke 200. Personal high. It was great."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "There is some crap up with which I will not put."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "The sex was great, but he was British and had no idea."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "How 'bout Norm's liver?"
  • (George Wendt) "I am almost finished with it."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Hey Sam, speaking of bars burning down, guess what I did?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "I was told by my boss to come up with something for the retirement party so I got this left over seafood platter from Melville's."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Leftover seafood? Isn't that kind of cheap?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "What should I have done? Strip naked and dance on the tables to "Funky Cold Medina"?"
  • (Ted Danson) "We could help you rehearse."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance."

Rhea Perlman as Carla

  • (Rhea Perlman) "What are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for?"
  • (George Wendt) "It's what wimps do."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "If you can't say anything nice, say it about Diane."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Yeah, Lilith you look like a million bucks."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Thank you Carla."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "You didnt let me finish, what I was going to say was you look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face."
  • (Bebe Neuwirth) "Thank you Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "I'm scared. Norm, hold my hand."
  • (George Wendt) "Woods, hold my hand."
  • (George Wendt) "Um, Lilith, could you pass me a straw?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Who's the biggest bigwig of them all?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Sinatra."
  • (Esther Clavin) "The last thing I want to see is my son's face on the 11 o'clock news."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "There's an entire city that agrees with you."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Holy mackerel. This isn't Cheers?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "I think I'm going to be pregant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook."
  • (Ted Danson) "Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "You know, Sammie, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and has decided to remain inside where it's safe."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "And the lucky loser is -- Norm Peterson."
  • (George Wendt) "Great, the first time I enter this thing and you can't pick --"
  • (George Wendt) "Norm Peterson or --"
  • (George Wendt) "Norm Peterson or --"
  • (George Wendt) "Norm Peterson or --"
  • (George Wendt) "Oh, Frasier Crane. At least somebody was honest."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "I beg your pardon. I wrote "Norm Peterson"."
  • (George Wendt) "You're right. I wrote that."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "I've got it. I've got it."
  • (Shelley Long) "What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack -- I like it."
  • (Kelly Gaines) "I came here to stop the fight."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Oh, now why would I want to miss this? Yet another episode of "The Young and the Chestless"?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "I've had WARTS that went away faster."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "You do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding and I will choke you till your eyes bug out."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "It's just like "The Waltons"."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Look, here's a picture of them."
  • (Shelley Long) "She's naked."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "So what? So is he."
  • (Shelley Long) "I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas."
  • (Rhea Perlman) ""It's not a religion for wusses.""

Shelley Long as Diane

  • (Shelley Long) "The arrival of yet another thickheaded jock epic. There must be confetti all over the Library of Congress."
  • (Shelley Long) "Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam."
  • (Ted Danson) "Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "I wanted to see her try and make vodka."
  • (Shelley Long) "Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard."
  • (Ted Danson) "In a plane or on his back?"
  • (Shelley Long) "Do I beg men to fall in love with me?"
  • (Ted Danson) "I hope not. I like to think I was special."
  • (Shelley Long) "If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden."
  • (Shelley Long) "Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche"."
  • (Shelley Long) "Goodbye, Sam."
  • (Ted Danson) "Goodbye, Blanche."
  • (Shelley Long) "Come on, Sam, just leave us in here."
  • (Ted Danson) "That's a great idea; leave two women who hate each other in a room full of glass and alcohol."
  • (Shelley Long) "And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is."
  • (Ted Danson) "Well, whatever you say. I really don't care."
  • (Shelley Long) "Oh no. The thing I feared most has happened."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "What? Your Living Bra died of boredom?"
  • (Shelley Long) "Pretty girl, Sam. Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey."
  • (Ted Danson) "What's that crack supposed to mean? She -- she young or something?"
  • (Shelley Long) "Well, you must admit there's a bit of a gap between your ages."
  • (Ted Danson) "Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has traveled extensively. She's been to Hawaii."
  • (Shelley Long) ""For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these; it might have been.""
  • (Shelley Long) "You've been with a lot of women."
  • (Ted Danson) "No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many."
  • (Shelley Long) "How many have there been?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun --"
  • (Ted Danson) "Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys."

John Ratzenberger as Cliff

  • (John Ratzenberger) "Interesting little article here. It says that, uh -- the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh -- sixty-four percent."
  • (George Wendt) "Some don't use even more."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "I am One with the Cosmos."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Hey Doc, ah, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Your unending bull."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "I see you all looking at my chestal area; stop it. I don't have breasts."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Don't let them get to you, Cliff. I took that medication and the risk of side effects is very overrated."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Oh, yeah, Rebecca? How long ago did you take it?"
  • (Kirstie Alley) "About twenty years ago; back when I was a little boy."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Hey Sam, what of you think about death?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Too good for her."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows."
  • (Unnamed) "CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT."
  • (Kelly Gaines) "You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll -- I'll hurt your feelings."
  • (Emily) "You do that and I'll hurt yours right back."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "KITTEN fight."
  • (Unnamed) "KITTEN fight."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Hey, Norm, What's up?"
  • (George Wendt) "My blood-alcohol level."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "So were you."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Is this me or is this getting a little weird?"
  • (Rhea Perlman) "You passed weird six months ago."
  • (George Wendt) "Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? There's a fine line between gardening and madness."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this -- You know that famous buffalo theory thing --"
  • (George Wendt) "Yeah?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "I never said it."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Did I ever tell you kids about the first Thanksgiving? It took place between the ancient Egyptains and aliens from a distant galaxy."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside."
  • (George Wendt) "If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in your this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "Like Colorado?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition."
  • (George Wendt) "Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "I don't see what the fuss is over this whole will business. When I die, everything goes to ma."
  • (George Wendt) "That's great, Cliff, but what if she dies first?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Shut up. Shut up, Peterson. SHUT UP, THE WHOLE SICK LOT OF YOU."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "Ah, there he is. Dr. Frasier Crane. The man who won the hand of Diane Chambers."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "Found out he had to keep the rest of her."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "I have impossibly high standards for a woman."
  • (George Wendt) "Yeah, she has to like you."
  • (John Ratzenberger) "What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man."
  • (Rhea Perlman) "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either."

Nicholas Colasanto as Coach

  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "How's life treating you Norm?"
  • (George Wendt) "Like I just ran over its dog."
  • (Unnamed) "NORM."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "What's new, Norm?"
  • (George Wendt) "I need something to hold me over until my second beer."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "How about a first beer?"
  • (George Wendt) "That'll work."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?"
  • (George Wendt) "I can't, Coach."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "Gee, I'm sorry Norm."
  • (George Wendt) "I look at Vera. I just can't."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "Hey, Norm. What do you know?"
  • (George Wendt) "Not enough."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "How you doing, Norm?"
  • (George Wendt) "Coach, I'm on top of the world -- it's a dismal spot in Greenland somewhere."
  • (Nicholas Colasanto) "How's life treating you Norm?"
  • (George Wendt) "Like it caught me in bed with its wife."

Woody Harrelson as Woody

  • (Woody Harrelson) "Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
  • (George Wendt) "No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
  • (George Wendt) "Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "What's shakin', Mr. Peterson?"
  • (George Wendt) "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Why would an actress leave in the middle of a successful series?"
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Boy, Dr. Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy. This reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover, rocked the whole town to its core. Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr. Smithers."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Well, that's not so scandalous, Woody."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Well, Mr. Smithers was a goat."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson?"
  • (George Wendt) "Yeah, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Miss Howe, I may be in the minority here, but I'm tired of all this plastic surgery talk. I think you're perfect just like you are."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Well, Woody; no one is perfect. Surely there must be something about me you think needs improving."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "OK. Your breasts then."
  • (Kirstie Alley) "Thank you, Woody."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "No. Thank you."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
  • (George Wendt) "I know. If she calls, I'm not here."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Kelly's coming back from Europe today."
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Ah, she's hopping the pond."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "What?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Well, the pond. It's a reference to the Atlantic."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Why, Dr. Crane. The Atlantic is an ocean. How many of those have you had?"
  • (Kelsey Grammer) "Apparently, not enough."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "What's a Freudian Slip?"
  • (John Ratzenberger) "That's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother."
  • (Woody Harrelson) "Have you had her scream for you, Sam?"
  • (Ted Danson) "Later Woody, later."

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