Poetry
Quotes
Monty Python's Life of Brian Quotes
Wise Man #1:
Ahem!
Brian's mother:
Oh!
[falls over in chair]
Brian's mother:
Who are you?
Wise Man #2:
We are three wise men.
Brian's mother:
What?
Wise Man #1:
We are three wise men.
Brian's mother:
Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Brian:
Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg:
Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea
Reg:
All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee:
Brought peace?
Reg:
Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg:
There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter:
Uh, well, one.
Reg:
Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Brian:
Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Brian's mother:
Stop thinking about sex!
Brian:
I wasn't!
Brian's mother:
You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"
The Crowd:
The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Brian's mother:
The who?
The Crowd:
The Messiah!
Brian's mother:
There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
Brian:
I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur:
I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
Reg:
If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian:
I do!
Reg:
Oh yeah, how much?
Brian:
A lot!
Reg:
Right, you're in.
Stan:
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg:
But you can't have babies.
Stan:
Don't you oppress me.
Reg:
Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Ex-Leper:
Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian:
Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper:
That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian:
Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper:
Oh, cured, sir.
Brian:
Cured?
Ex-Leper:
Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian:
Who cured you?
Ex-Leper:
Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Brian:
I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl:
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian:
What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers:
He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian:
Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur:
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Matthias:
Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah".
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official:
You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias:
Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official:
I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners:
She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official:
Was it you?
Stoner:
Yes.
Jewish Official:
Right...
Stoner:
Well you did say "Jehovah. "
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official:
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. "
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
Brian:
You have to be different!
The Crowd:
Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice:
I'm not!
Monty Python quotes
Monty Python quotes
Holy Grail quotes
Flying Circus quotes
Holy Grail quotes
Flying Circus quotes
