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Funny Quotes From Monty Python's Life of Brian - Page 2

Wise Man #1: We were led by a star.
Brian's mother: Led by a bottle, more like.
Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!
[They all stab themselves]
Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?
Brian's mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
[A line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
[Next prisoner]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually.
Coordinator: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Brian: I'm not a Roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
Ex-Leper: Half a dinare for me bloody life story?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-Leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir.
Parvus: It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.
Gregory: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
Mrs. Gregory: Oh, rather.
Gregory: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
Brian's mother: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
Reg: From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian.
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More Monty Python quotes:
Monty Python
Holy Grail
Flying Circus