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The Jerk Quotes

The Jerk is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . The Jerk stopped airing in 1970.

It features David V. Picker; William E. McEuen as producer, Jack Elliott (composer) in charge of musical score, and Victor J. Kemper as head of cinematography.

The Jerk is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Jerk is 95 minutes long. The Jerk is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Steve Martin as Navin R. Johnson, Mabel King as Mother, Bernadette Peters as Marie, Richard Ward as Father, Ren Woods as Taj Jonson, Frances E. Williams as Grandma Johnson, Bill Macy as Stan Fox, Jackie Mason as Harry Hartounian, Dick O'Neill as Frosty, Catlin Adams as Patty Bernstein, and Maurice Evans as Hobart.

The Jerk Quotes

Steve Martin as Navin R. Johnson

  • (Steve Martin) "For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."
  • (Steve Martin) "Pay to the order of -- Mrs. Wilbur Starks -- one dollar"
  • (Steve Martin) "AND NINE CENTS --. Pay to the order of -- Iron Balls McGinty -- one dollar"
  • (Steve Martin) "AND NINE CENTS --."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke."
  • (Bernadette Peters) "I don't wanna puke."
  • (Steve Martin) "He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans."
  • (Steve Martin) "For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."
  • (Sniper) "Die, you random son of a bitch."
  • (Steve Martin) "He hates these cans."
  • (Steve Martin) "Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."
  • (Steve Martin) "You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say."
  • (Steve Martin) ""I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that."
  • (Steve Martin) "P.S. is grandma still farting?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were."
  • (Steve Martin) "What was it?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) ""The Way We Were.""
  • (Steve Martin) "For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex. The most exciting game on the midway. Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional. You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up."
  • (Carnival Rube) "Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what'I win?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah, anything -- in this general area, right in here -- Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses -- Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles -- Anything in this three inches -- Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers."
  • (Carnival Rube) "No sir. C'mon honey; he thought he had himself a rube."
  • (Steve Martin) "Boss, I'm just no good at this."
  • (Dick O'Neill) "Ah, c'mon Navin, you're doing fine."
  • (Steve Martin) "I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars."
  • (Dick O'Neill) "Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap. Which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah -- It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here. Only a buck. Actual live weight guessing. Take a chance and win some crap."
  • (Steve Martin) "Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and -- uh -- my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi --"
  • (Steve Martin) "Good Lord; I've heard about this; cat juggling. Stop. Stop. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?"
  • (Truck Driver Picking Up Navin) "St. Louis?"
  • (Steve Martin) "No, Navin Johnson."
  • (Steve Martin) "Now, Marie is a type a person that if you gotta --"
  • (Catlin Adams) "If this gash doesn't get her buns outta here I am gonna drive this bike up her butt."
  • (Steve Martin) "-- while Patty tends to be more direct."
  • (Steve Martin) "I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm hitchhiking."
  • (Farm Boy) "How far you goin'?"
  • (Steve Martin) "St. Louis. How far you going?"
  • (Farm Boy) "To the end of this fence."
  • (Steve Martin) "-- OK."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?"
  • (Farm Boy) "Here we are."
  • (Steve Martin) "OK."
  • (Steve Martin) "-- Thanks for the company."
  • (Steve Martin) "I hope I can repay you someday."
  • (Steve Martin) "These hoodlums are dangerous. I think we oughta get out of here before she sees us."
  • (Bernadette Peters) "She?"
  • (Steve Martin) "What?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "You said she."
  • (Steve Martin) "No. No. I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she", or a hurricane "she"."
  • (Bernadette Peters) "Or a girl?"
  • (Steve Martin) "A girl, you can call a girl she, that's just one of the many things you can call she."
  • (Steve Martin) "First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."
  • (Steve Martin) "The most exciting game on the midway. Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional. You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up."
  • (Carnival Rube) "Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what do I win?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah, anything -- in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers."
  • (Steve Martin) "I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars."
  • (Dick O'Neill) "Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah -- It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here. Only a buck. Actual live weight guessing. Take a chance and win some crap."
  • (Steve Martin) "Are you a model?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "No. I'm a cosmetologist."
  • (Steve Martin) "Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable. That's impressive. Must be tough handling the weightlessness."
  • (New Accounts Bank Manager) "I will need two pieces of identification."
  • (Steve Martin) "Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license; and; my astronaut application form -- I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth."
  • (Steve Martin) "I can fix those shocks."
  • (Punk #1) "No, no. We just want some gas, muchacho."
  • (Steve Martin) "OK, but its Sunday, so we gotta have a credit card."
  • (Punk #1) "Hey Jerry, we got a credit card in there?"
  • (Punk) "Mastercharge too?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Ya, that's fine. We take Mastercharge -- Wanna fill-up, uh, Mrs. Nussbaum?"
  • (Punk) "Oh, I'm MR. Nussbaum."
  • (Punk #1) "Ya, that's his wife's card."
  • (Steve Martin) "Wife's card, huh?"
  • (Punk #1) "Ya, I'll vouch for him."
  • (Steve Martin) "OK. As long as we have a voucher."
  • (Steve Martin) "I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."
  • (Steve Martin) "What a great place."
  • (Steve Martin) "Can I ask you a personal question?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "What is it?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Now be totally honest: you do have a boyfriend, don't you?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "Kind of --"
  • (Steve Martin) "I know this is our first date but -- do you think, the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "Well, I haven't made love to him yet."
  • (Steve Martin) "That's too bad -- Do you think it's possible that someday, you could make love with me and think of him?"
  • (Bernadette Peters) "Who knows, maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere."

Frances E. Williams as Grandma Johnson

  • (Frances E. Williams) "My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty has promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin."

Bernadette Peters as Marie

  • (Bernadette Peters) "I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff."
  • (Bernadette Peters) "You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down."
  • (Bernadette Peters) "Good pizza."
  • (Steve Martin) "Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this."

Mabel King as Mother

  • (Mabel King) "Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child."
  • (Steve Martin) "I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?"
  • (Mabel King) "And remember: the Lord loves a working man."
  • (Steve Martin) "Lord loves a working man."
  • (Richard Ward) "And Son: don't never ever trust whitey."
  • (Steve Martin) "Don't trust whitey. Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey."
  • (Mabel King) "And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for --"
  • (Steve Martin) "I will, Ma -- I know it's out there."
  • (Ren Woods) "It's out there alright. And if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it."
  • (Steve Martin) "See a doctor and get rid of it."
  • (Ren Woods) "Good luck."
  • (Steve Martin) "Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."
  • (Mabel King) "Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass."

Catlin Adams as Patty Bernstein

  • (Catlin Adams) "You know what I wanna do?"
  • (Steve Martin) "What's that?"
  • (Catlin Adams) "Guess your weight."
  • (Steve Martin) "Hey, you're really trying to be accurate."
  • (Catlin Adams) "Give me a bite of that corn dog."
  • (Steve Martin) "What about germs?"
  • (Catlin Adams) "Put a rubber on it."
  • (Catlin Adams) "You know what I'd like to do?"
  • (Steve Martin) "What?"
  • (Catlin Adams) "Guess your weight."
  • (Steve Martin) "Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess MY weight. You see, I guess their weight, so it would be sort of a --"
  • (Catlin Adams) "Put your arms up."
  • (Steve Martin) "This will give me a whole other perspective on this --"
  • (Steve Martin) "Hey, you're really trying to be accurate -- Is it getting hot in here? -- Wait a minute. What's happening to my special purpose?"
  • (Catlin Adams) "What's your special purpose?"
  • (Steve Martin) "Well, when I was a kid my mom told me THAT was my special purpose. And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was."
  • (Catlin Adams) "Today's the day."
  • (Steve Martin) "Hey, this is like a ride."

Ren Woods as Taj Jonson

  • (Ren Woods) "Hey. Any of you bums heard of Navin R. Johnson?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I've heard of him."
  • (Ren Woods) "Born in Mississippi? Inventor of the Opti-grab?"
  • (Steve Martin) "I was just telling these guys."
  • (Mabel King) "Navin."
  • (Steve Martin) "Mommy, Daddy. How did you find me?"
  • (Richard Ward) "We don't know. This is the first place we looked."

Bill Macy as Stan Fox

  • (Bill Macy) "Damn these glasses son."
  • (Steve Martin) "Yes, sir."
  • (Steve Martin) "I damn thee."

Maurice Evans as Hobart

  • (Maurice Evans) "Sir, there are charity people here to see you."
  • (Steve Martin) "What? Send them away. There are plenty of people more deserving than me."
  • (Maurice Evans) "But these people want you to give, sir."

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