The Office (UK TV series) Quotes

The Office is a Sitcom that debuted in 2001 on BBC Two . The Office completed its run in 2003.

The Office was on for 12 (and 3 specials) episodes. It features Ash Atalla as producer, and Andy Hollis as head of cinematography. The Office is executive produced by Anil Gupta (writer). The Office is created by Ricky Gervais.

Each episode of The Office is approx 30 minutes long. The Office is produced by Capital United Nations Entertainment .

The cast includes: Martin Freeman as Tim, Mackenzie Crook as Gareth, Ricky Gervais as David Brent, Martin Freeman as Ange, Stirling Gallacher as Jennifer Taylor-Clark, Patrick Baladi as Neil Godwin, Lucy Davis as Dawn, and Ralph Ineson as Chris Finch.

The Office Quotes

Mackenzie Crook as Gareth

• (Mackenzie Crook) "I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse."

• (Mackenzie Crook) "My dad, for example, he's not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrasing you know. He doesn't understand all the new trendy words; like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays", "birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds"."

• (Mackenzie Crook) "Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like s***ting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going "Ooh -- he looks tasty in his uniform""

• (Mackenzie Crook) "All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?"
• (Martin Freeman) "You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) "No."
• (Martin Freeman) "You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) "No and no you can't."
• (Martin Freeman) "What are you thinking Gareth?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) ""I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark?"

• (Mackenzie Crook) "Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?"

• (Mackenzie Crook) "I'm not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers."

• (Mackenzie Crook) "Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. I don't want you to think of me as your boss --"
• (Donna) "Well, you're not."
• (Mackenzie Crook) "Well, I'm higher up than you, so I am. What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am."
• (Donna) "I don't think you are."
• (Mackenzie Crook) "Well, I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you."

• (Mackenzie Crook) "Gareth Keenan. Hello."
• (Martin Freeman) "Hi baby. It's Ange."
• (Mackenzie Crook) "All right."
• (Martin Freeman) "Are you coming round tonight?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) "I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads."
• (Martin Freeman) "Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together."
• (Mackenzie Crook) "All right."
• (Martin Freeman) "Have some fun."
• (Mackenzie Crook) "Yep. Okay."
• (Martin Freeman) "Are you going to bring the toys again?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) "Erm, Yeah -- okay -- yeah -- look forward to -- doing it to you too. All right, bye."
• (Martin Freeman) "The Toys?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) "Shut up."
• (Martin Freeman) "What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it?"
• (Mackenzie Crook) "Shut up."
• (Martin Freeman) "If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round."
• (Mackenzie Crook) "It was a private phone call, so --"
• (Martin Freeman) "Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth."
• (Martin Freeman) "Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good --"
• (Martin Freeman) "Is it Hungry Hippos?"

• (Mackenzie Crook) "That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers."

Martin Freeman as Tim

• (Martin Freeman) "It's like an alarm clock's gone off, and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans.", and that's how I feel. Although he also said: "I am the Walrus I am the eggman" so I don't know what to believe."

• (Martin Freeman) "If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands; yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six; no problem, I could roll a 6 -- I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes -- Just leave the dice alone."

• (Martin Freeman) "No I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don't have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I'm a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I've had since yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies."

• (Martin Freeman) "The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day."

Ricky Gervais as David Brent

• (Ricky Gervais) "When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive."

• (Ricky Gervais) "So that's --"

• (Ricky Gervais) "Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? I don't need a babysitter, you know, so --"
• (Patrick Baladi) "Well, with respect David, I think you do."

• (Ricky Gervais) "How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me?"
• (Unnamed) "Forty?"
• (Ricky Gervais) "No, how old do you think I look?"
• (Unnamed) "Ummm -- thirty-nine?"
• (Ricky Gervais) "Most people think I look about thirty."
• (Unnamed) "Definitely not."
• (Ricky Gervais) "Oh, are you calling them liars? How old do YOU think I look?"
• (Oliver) "Between thirty and forty?"
• (Ricky Gervais) "Yes. More honest."

• (Ricky Gervais) "A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It's how we interact, with our fellow man."
• (Peter) "How would you like to be remembered?"
• (Ricky Gervais) "Simply, as, the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met."

• (Ricky Gervais) "Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me."

• (Ricky Gervais) "I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going 'Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?' No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like -- me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I've got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go 'Ooh, I don't feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?' 'Ooh, don't know, better ask the boss.' 'David can I stay in bed all day?' 'Yes you can David.' Both me, that's not me in bed with another bloke called David."

• (Ricky Gervais) "Don't assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me"."

• (Ricky Gervais) "I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that there would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so --"
• (Stirling Gallacher) "Well, why on Earth would you do that?"
• (Ricky Gervais) "Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale."
• (Stirling Gallacher) "Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be."
• (Ricky Gervais) "They won't remember."

• (Ricky Gervais) "You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue."

• (Ricky Gervais) "Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty -- satisfaction. That's what I'm -- you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great."

• (Ricky Gervais) "Let's agree to disagree."
• (Patrick Baladi) "No. Let's agree that you agree with me."

• (Ricky Gervais) "Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. No; purely social. I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter; particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So -- not a happy homelife."

• (Ricky Gervais) "I don't live by "The Rules" you know, and if there's one person who has influenced me in that way of thinking, someone who is a maverick, someone who does 'that' to the system then it's Ian Botham."

Lucy Davis as Dawn

• (Lucy Davis) "I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected. My old school recently had a reunion, which I didn't go to, but one girl in my class it turns out, right, she is now running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biologist. She used to eat chalk."

• (Lucy Davis) "A real relationship isn't like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you're going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there's going to be electricity, then, you're kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who's never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality."

Ralph Ineson as Chris Finch

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Patrick Baladi as Neil Godwin

• (Patrick Baladi) "I don't let anyone talk to me the way you just did; not my staff, not my boss, no one; certainly not you."

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