It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Quotes

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is a television program that debuted in 1970 . It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World ended its run in 1970.

It features Stanley Kramer as producer, Ernest Gold (composer) in charge of musical score, and Ernest Laszlo as head of cinematography.

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is 210 minutes (original cut) long. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is distributed by United Artists.

The cast includes: Terry-Thomas as J. Algernon Hawthorne, Milton Berle as J. Russell Finch, Dick Shawn as Sylvester Marcus, Ethel Merman as Mrs. Marcus, Jonathan Winters as Lennie Pike, Spencer Tracy as Capt. T.G. Culpeper, Selma Diamond as Ginger Culpeper, Louise Glenn as Billie Sue Culpeper, Mickey Rooney as Ding Bell, Buddy Hackett as Benjy Benjamin, Sid Caesar as Melville Crump, Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer, Dorothy Provine as Emmeline Finch, Eddie Ryder as Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo, Paul Ford as Col. Wilberforce, Eddie Ryder as Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo, Jimmy Durante as Miner, Eddie Ryder as Ray, Edie Adams as Monica Crump, William Demarest as All, and Charles McGraw as Lt. Matthews.

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Quotes

Sid Caesar as Melville Crump

• (Sid Caesar) "The man said there was a certain amount of money buried down in this park."
• (Jonathan Winters) "That's right. It was under a big W. Say what is a big W?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "If we find out, we'll send you a wire."
• (Sid Caesar) "It's only a possibility now, it's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth. And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away. Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars and drive down there at a safe, sound speed, keeping each other in sight of each other. And then when we get down there, we dig up the money; providing there is some money there. And if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner."

• (Sid Caesar) "Look, why don't we just start digging for it?"
• (Milton Berle) "Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?"
• (Edie Adams) "Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition."
• (Sid Caesar) "Aah."
• (Dick Shawn) "We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in."

• (First cab driver) "That'll be $2.90."
• (Sid Caesar) "Okay, here's $3.00. Wait for us, okay?"
• (First cab driver) "Oh sure."
• (Sid Caesar) "Wise guy."

• (Sid Caesar) "Why can't you have a little confidence in me?"

• (Third Cab Driver) "Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes. Now listen to me, Sir, I --"
• (Sid Caesar) "Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?"
• (Third Cab Driver) "What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?"
• (Sid Caesar) "We had an accident. We fell into yellow, all right? Hurry up."

• (Sid Caesar) "Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off."
• (Mickey Rooney) "Listen, Dentist: I hate dentists. And I hate you so much, that I'm not able to tell you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-."
• (Buddy Hackett) "And visa versa."
• (Sid Caesar) "Why you -- Come on over here."
• (Sid Caesar) "COME ON over here."

Ethel Merman as Mrs. Marcus

• (Ethel Merman) "Exactly like your father. A big stupid muscle-headed moron."

• (Second cab driver) "He's heading for the border. Let's stop and call the police station."
• (Ethel Merman) "You shut up. We're gonna get that money. Keep driving."
• (Second cab driver) "That woman is something else."

• (Ethel Merman) "We're the ones with the Imperial, and we're running last?"

• (Ethel Merman) "Well, uh, where shall I put this?"
• (Milton Berle) "Oh, boy."

• (Man in car in desert) "Trouble? Having any trouble?"
• (Ethel Merman) "Yes, and we don't need any help from you."
• (Man in car in desert) "Well."

• (Ethel Merman) ""No matter what you've all done today, you're really not criminals". Ha. Of all the snooty, patronizing --"
• (Ethel Merman) "You're stepping on my foot."
• (Dick Shawn) "Would you get off Mama's foot?"

• (Ethel Merman) "Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't --"
• (Dick Shawn) "Mama."
• (Ethel Merman) "Don't you dare touch me. Get away from me. Let me go. Leave me alone --."

• (Ethel Merman) "You're overlooking one little thing."
• (Milton Berle) "Yeah, one little thing."
• (Mickey Rooney) "What little thing?"
• (Milton Berle) "Yeah, what little thing?"
• (Ethel Merman) "We can all count, can't we? There were 8 of us there."
• (Milton Berle) "She's right. There were 8 of us there."

• (Ethel Merman) "Nobody's gonna get me up in the air."

Jonathan Winters as Lennie Pike

• (Jonathan Winters) "Now fellas, you keep this up and I'm gonna get sore. I mean it."

• (Jonathan Winters) "Then what happens next? I'll tell you what happens: Then they all decide that I'm supposed to get a smaller share. That I'm somebody extra special stupid, or something. That they don't even care if it's a democracy. And in a democracy, it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share."

• (Jonathan Winters) "That's him. That's him. I tell you, when I catch you, I'll kill you. I tell you, I'll kill you, you dirty robber."
• (Terry-Thomas) "Someone you know?"

• (Jonathan Winters) "It's buried under a big W. Say, what is a big W?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "When we find out, we'll send you a 'Wire'."
• (Buddy Hackett) "Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

• (Jonathan Winters) "Everybody has to pay taxes.- Even businessmen, that rob and steal and cheat from people everyday, even they have to pay taxes."

• (Jonathan Winters) "Wealth -- Witch -- Let's see. Where. Work. That's it, work. I gotta work on where it is."

• (Jonathan Winters) "This is stupid. You call me a "stupid idiot?" Well, let me tell you something. You're a "stupid idiot.""
• (Ethel Merman) "But he'll go all the way to Plaster City."
• (Jonathan Winters) "So he goes all the way to Plaster City. I don't know about you, but I'm turning this thing around. Now, you wanna catch him? You get out and run."

• (Jonathan Winters) "All right lady, are you gonna get out or am I gonna have to throw you out?"
• (Dorothy Provine) "Oh please Mr. Pike, don't get upset."
• (Ethel Merman) "He's not gonna do anything. Drive on, ya big stupid idiot."

Eddie Ryder as Ray

• (Eddie Ryder) "In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel."
• (Paul Ford) "In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position."
• (Eddie Ryder) "You're doing a great job, Colonel."
• (Paul Ford) "Thank you."
• (Eddie Ryder) "Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?"

• (Policeman) "You fellows all right?"
• (Eddie Ryder) "Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?"
• (Irwin) "Writing parking tickets, I suppose."
• (Policeman) "They're still alive."

Mickey Rooney as Ding Bell

• (Mickey Rooney) "You see our grandmother lives in Rosita Beach, see, and she's dying and she kinda like to have us be with her when she goes."
• (Buddy Hackett) "Otherwise she won't go."
• (Buddy Hackett) "Uh, she'll go."

• (Mickey Rooney) "Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get noplace if we're gonna continue listening to this old bag."
• (Buddy Hackett) "What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "-- And every woman for HIMself?"
• (Ethel Merman) "One more funny remark from you, buster --"

• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?"
• (Mickey Rooney) ""Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?"
• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks. You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly."

• (Air traffic control tower staffer) "If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "What do you mean "who's flying the plane"? Nobody's flying the plane."

• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "Uh -- Just a minute. I -- I cahhn't see."
• (Mickey Rooney) "What?"
• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't; I cahhn't see."
• (Mickey Rooney) "You cahhn't see? He cahhn't see."
• (Buddy Hackett) "Must be an eye cold."
• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "George. George."

Dick Shawn as Sylvester Marcus

• (Dick Shawn) "I'm coming. That's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you."

• (Dick Shawn) "That's my mommy. She's gone crazy or something. MAYBE RAPE. OH."

• (Dick Shawn) "Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me -- Where are you?"
• (Ethel Merman) "I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened."
• (Dick Shawn) "Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom."
• (Ethel Merman) "Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?"
• (Dick Shawn) "Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy."
• (Ethel Merman) "Sylvester --"
• (Dick Shawn) "I'm coming to get you, Mom."
• (Ethel Merman) "-- shut up and let me talk --"
• (Dick Shawn) "Everything is gonna be all right."
• (Jonathan Winters) "Well?"
• (Ethel Merman) "So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right.""
• (Ethel Merman) "Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron."

• (Dick Shawn) "Who are they?"
• (Ethel Merman) "I don't know."
• (Dick Shawn) "From this morning?"
• (Ethel Merman) "Yes."
• (Dick Shawn) "Who is he?"
• (Ethel Merman) "I don't know."
• (Dick Shawn) "Who is he?"
• (Ethel Merman) "I don't know."
• (Dick Shawn) "Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?"
• (Dick Shawn) "Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention."

• (Dick Shawn) "Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me."
• (Jonathan Winters) "What are you talking about 'bugging'?"
• (Dick Shawn) "Cut out, cut out."
• (Jonathan Winters) "What's this 'cut out' talk?"
• (Dick Shawn) "Out, baby. Out, baby. Out."
• (Jonathan Winters) "Don't call me a baby."
• (William Demarest) "Would you just get out? Get on with it."

Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer

• (Phil Silvers) "I haven't got much time, so if you love your country, if you're a patriot, you listen and you listen hard. You've got to get to a phone and you've got to make a call."
• (Nervous Motorist) "I gotta make a call?"
• (Phil Silvers) "Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C."
• (Nervous Motorist) "Well what on earth?"
• (Phil Silvers) "Listen. All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah. Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone."
• (Nervous Motorist) "Well, I don't --"
• (Phil Silvers) "Will you shut up. You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in."
• (Phil Silvers) "All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you. Go on. Get out."

• (Phil Silvers) "Hey, wait a minute. I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagara Falls. All right, look. You're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?"

• (Phil Silvers) "Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on."
• (Phil Silvers) "Move. Move, will you kid? Come on."

Buddy Hackett as Benjy Benjamin

• (Buddy Hackett) "Wall?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "No."
• (Buddy Hackett) "Walnut tree?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "No, no."
• (Buddy Hackett) "Walnuts?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "No."
• (Buddy Hackett) "In bags?"
• (Mickey Rooney) "NO."

• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some Old Fashioneds the old-fashioned way; the way dear old Dad used to."
• (Buddy Hackett) "What if something happens?"
• (Tyler Fitzgerald) "What could happen to an Old Fashioned?"

• (Buddy Hackett) "It's all your fault. It's all your fault right from the beginning to the end."
• (Terry-Thomas) "You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous."
• (Dick Shawn) "Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no. You had to go and wrap up the whole scene, baby."
• (Mickey Rooney) "We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands."
• (Sid Caesar) "14 into $350,000 --"
• (Mickey Rooney) "Oh, shut up."

• (Buddy Hackett) "Hey, get outta here."
• (Mickey Rooney) "Put them on."
• (Buddy Hackett) "I don't wanna."
• (Mickey Rooney) "Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing."
• (Buddy Hackett) "What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna -- What are you, the hostess?"

• (Buddy Hackett) "Dingy, don't let this worry you- We're gonna get killed."

• (Buddy Hackett) "If I have to climb much more of this I'll be lying down there with him."

Milton Berle as J. Russell Finch

• (Milton Berle) "Here,"
• (Milton Berle) "take this and go hire us the best car you can find."
• (Jonathan Winters) "But -- this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van."
• (Milton Berle) "We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?"
• (Jonathan Winters) "Oh okay -- I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?"

• (Milton Berle) "And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him --"
• (Jonathan Winters) "Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it."

• (Milton Berle) "I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do."
• (Terry-Thomas) "Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch."
• (Milton Berle) "All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch."
• (Terry-Thomas) "And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so."

• (Milton Berle) "Hey, did you see th-the way he went SAILING right out there?"

• (Milton Berle) "You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago."
• (Milton Berle) "What are you stopping for?"
• (Terry-Thomas) "Get out of this machine."
• (Milton Berle) "Get out? You can't --"
• (Terry-Thomas) "It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out."
• (Milton Berle) "I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize."
• (Terry-Thomas) "Glad to hear you say so."

Terry-Thomas as J. Algernon Hawthorne

• (Terry-Thomas) "I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other."
• (Milton Berle) "Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?"
• (Terry-Thomas) "Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization. Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop. As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves. They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day. And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight."

• (Terry-Thomas) "You know I'm not entirely uncertain you haven't damaged this machine."

• (Terry-Thomas) "So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up."
• (Milton Berle) "Don't hit me. Don't hit me."
• (Terry-Thomas) "Blood."
• (Milton Berle) "It certainly is."
• (Terry-Thomas) "Aah."
• (Milton Berle) "Come back here, ya blimey --."

Spencer Tracy as Capt. T.G. Culpeper

• (Police radio voice unit F-7) "F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over."
• (Spencer Tracy) "How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out."
• (Police sergeant) "That ain't fair."
• (Spencer Tracy) "It ain't fair? What ain't fair?"
• (Police sergeant) "They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others."
• (Spencer Tracy) "But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?"
• (Police sergeant) "Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair."

• (Spencer Tracy) "Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened --"
• (Selma Diamond) "So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough --"
• (Spencer Tracy) "The Smiler Grogan case is solved."
• (Selma Diamond) "The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?"
• (Spencer Tracy) "The tuna factory robbery. The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years."

• (Spencer Tracy) ": Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?"
• (Selma Diamond) "It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away."
• (Spencer Tracy) "Well, what's the matter?"
• (Selma Diamond) "You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving."
• (Spencer Tracy) "Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone."
• (Selma Diamond) "I'll try. Just a minute."
• (Selma Diamond) "Talk to your father."
• (Louise Glenn) "I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever."
• (Selma Diamond) "Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father."

• (Spencer Tracy) "Now, where have I always told ya that the Smiler hid the dough? Where? Right there."

• (Spencer Tracy) "You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
• (Spencer Tracy) "Nothing will happen here for five minutes."
• (Secretary Schwartz) "Mrs. Culpeper on the phone."
• (Spencer Tracy) "No calls. No calls. No more calls."
• (Charles McGraw) "Something's wrong."
• (Police sergeant) "Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae."

Paul Ford as Col. Wilberforce

• (Paul Ford) "What the HELL is with this wire?"

Dorothy Provine as Emmeline Finch

• (Dorothy Provine) "I'm only thinking of Russell's condition."
• (Ethel Merman) "You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has."
• (Milton Berle) "Yeah but --"
• (Ethel Merman) "Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat."
• (Milton Berle) "Yeah but --"
• (Ethel Merman) "And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can."
• (Milton Berle) "Yeah but --"
• (Ethel Merman) "Yeah but WHAT?"
• (Milton Berle) "Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down."
• (Ethel Merman) "Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming."
• (Dorothy Provine) "Mother."
• (Ethel Merman) "Oh Emmeline, shut up."
• (Ethel Merman) "And you too."

• (Dorothy Provine) "Oh Russell, I feel sick."
• (Milton Berle) "Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know."
• (Ethel Merman) "Now what kind of an attitude is that, "these things happen"? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say "these things happen," and that's why they happen. We gotta have control of what happens to us."

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