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Scrubs (season 2) Quotes

Scrubs (season 2) is a TV show that first aired in 2002 on NBC. Scrubs ended in 2003.

Scrubs (season 2) lasted 22 episodes.

The cast includes: Donald Faison as Turk, Zach Braff as J.D., Sarah Chalke as Elliot, Rick Schroder as Paul Flowers, Neil Flynn as Janitor, Judy Reyes as Carla, Sam Lloyd as Ted, Ken Jenkins as Dr. Kelso, Donald Faison as Chris Turk, Aloma Wright as Nurse Roberts, Robert Maschio as Todd, Michael McDonald as Mikey, Christa Miller as Jordan, Ryan Reynolds as Ben, Johnny Kastl as Doug, Christa Miller as Lisa, Alan Ruck as Mr. Bragen, Tom Cavanagh as Gloria, and Tom Cavanagh as Dan.

Scrubs (season 2) Quotes

Christa Miller as Jordan

  • (Woman) "Hi, cutie. Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice."
  • (Christa Miller) "Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yeah."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29."
  • (Christa Miller) "My face will never look 40."
  • (Christa Miller) "I don't dislike you, I nothing you."
  • (Zach Braff) "That's special."
  • (Christa Miller) "Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Chas really cared for me."
  • (Christa Miller) "I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me, Jimmies mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody out to Chucky Cheese."

Zach Braff as J.D.

  • (Zach Braff) "Then he said something I never expected to hear."
  • (Neil Flynn) "I don't like you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Not that I totally expected that."
  • (Zach Braff) "Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."
  • (Zach Braff) "Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long."
  • (Zach Braff) "And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE."
  • (Zach Braff) "And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?"
  • (Zach Braff) "And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are."
  • (Aloma Wright) "Did I miss something good?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through. Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets."
  • (Zach Braff) "Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered in your heart, so I'm going to schedule a pericardial centesis and drain it with a needle."
  • (Unnamed) "Someone's going to stick a needle in my chest?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Not just someone; Dr. Daman"
  • (Unnamed) "Who's Dr. Daman?"
  • (Zach Braff) "-- Say it; -say it without the Dr."
  • (Unnamed) "Who's Mr. Daman"
  • (Zach Braff) "No, just say the last name."
  • (Unnamed) "Who's Da Man?"
  • (Zach Braff) "I'M THE MAN."
  • (Zach Braff) "It was awesome; it was fun doing that with you."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, I have to get to the funeral."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?"
  • (Zach Braff) "This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something."
  • (Zach Braff) "Banana Hammock."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Ben -- you have leukaemia."
  • (Ryan Reynolds) "That sucks."
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah."
  • (Zach Braff) "I am not addicted to Journey"
  • (Donald Faison) "She's just a small-town girl --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere."
  • (Zach Braff) "Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal."
  • (Zach Braff) "But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ring around the janitor, pocket full of --"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Pocket full of what"
  • (Zach Braff) "ZANitor"
  • (Neil Flynn) "That's not a word"
  • (Zach Braff) "Hey, Perry --"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Perry?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah, it's a new thing I'm trying. So, Perry, I was wondering if you knew that I have a date this weekend?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Really? Well, newbie, I'm glad that you finally found a woman who enjoys the benefits of a same sex relationship."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ahh. I can't believe it's over."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information."
  • (Donald Faison) "Okay, you do not want to lose this hottie. She is a slamming hottie. And you do not --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Turk --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Sorry."
  • (Zach Braff) "I got this. Baby, you know you're his world."
  • (Zach Braff) "Who put this up?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year."
  • (Zach Braff) "But I've only worked here for three months."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I -- do I smell beer?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Uh, we -- we, uh, we had a few."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots."
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?"
  • (Bouncer) "Okay, you're in."
  • (Zach Braff) "Word."
  • (Bouncer) "Uh. You're out."
  • (Donald Faison) "Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle."
  • (Bouncer) "You out, too."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yo, girl's name."
  • (Zach Braff) "What?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Gimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back."
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, fine. Let's just play -- Tip Over the Trashcan."
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, I win."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Can I play?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "This is fun."
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah."
  • (Zach Braff) "Hey, where's my fuzzy for my 3 wood?"
  • (Donald Faison) "It's on my 9 wood."
  • (Zach Braff) "Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style."
  • (Judy Reyes) "His office is that way."
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah, I have to throw up first."
  • (Zach Braff) "What an odd-sized explosion --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Now -- that tumor's looking so big -- it's beginning to look like a threemor --"
  • (Zach Braff) "It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see -- low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, and Hugh Jackman."
  • (Zach Braff) "Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. How dare he."
  • (Zach Braff) "Uh-oh."
  • (Dr. Cox) "First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I"
  • (Dr. Cox) "am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five."
  • (Zach Braff) "What the hell are we supposed to do?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is; poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this; narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless"
  • (Dr. Cox) "it's firing out of both exits."
  • (Zach Braff) "Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu."
  • (Zach Braff) "I just Marcia Brady'd your ass."
  • (Donald Faison) "What the hell are you talking about?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch."
  • (Zach Braff) "I can't believe you lost our bottle opener."
  • (Donald Faison) "Yeah, I know."
  • (Donald Faison) "I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes."
  • (Zach Braff) "You're a bad person."
  • (Zach Braff) "Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that -- you're afraid."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well -- I told you I was afraid earlier today -- so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact -- I'm the one who said them."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Is that a gay joke?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years; how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays; I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween; but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him."
  • (Judy Reyes) "My mom died."
  • (Zach Braff) "Except that."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power."
  • (Zach Braff) "Hmm -- it looks benign."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Shower shorts, newbie?"
  • (Zach Braff) "For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to."
  • (Zach Braff) "I have a quick legal question. What if -- hypothetically --"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Oh, God, you killed someone."
  • (Zach Braff) "No."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Someone else did?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Why aren't you using the mop I bought you?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "I didn't like it."
  • (Zach Braff) "But you cried."
  • (Neil Flynn) "No, that was you."
  • (Zach Braff) "It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves."
  • (Zach Braff) "One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money."
  • (Donald Faison) "Eight seconds. Is that a new record, baby?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "That depends, what are we talking about?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Hey there, research buddy."
  • (Dr. Cox) "We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision."
  • (Zach Braff) "Things Jordan says during sex."
  • (Zach Braff) "-- there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Things you say when you talk to your patients."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word"
  • (Mrs. Grodberg) "But I'm still beating you --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins."
  • (Zach Braff) "Half a brain, dammit."
  • (Zach Braff) "What are you doing?"
  • (Johnny Kastl) "I'm calling my dad."
  • (Zach Braff) "Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl for once."
  • (Zach Braff) "I miss you so much it hurts sometimes."
  • (Zach Braff) "Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that"."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't."
  • (Donald Faison) "See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman."
  • (Zach Braff) "Can you get that for me? I can't reach it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one."
  • (Zach Braff) "No, I really need it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year."
  • (Zach Braff) "OK, I want that."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Too late."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands --"
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "This is a secret -- no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, no problem."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else --"
  • (Zach Braff) "He was right, I couldn't do it --"
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "You need help JD?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No, nothing --"
  • (Zach Braff) "None of us needed help --"
  • (Zach Braff) "You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Why don't I ever listen to me?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Aaaah. My 'me time' hand."
  • (Zach Braff) "You're an actor."
  • (Neil Flynn) "You're a fireman -- What are we doing?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Wow -- Wanna hug?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you."
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards. Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Thank you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dammit."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh my God, do not say splotchy."
  • (Zach Braff) "Good splotchy Dr. Splotchy."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end."
  • (Zach Braff) "What the hell, he deserves it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Mother-f"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh and"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition"
  • (Zach Braff) "I was just running kissing drills."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, that is completely normal then."
  • (Zach Braff) "Sticks and stones may break my bones --"
  • (Zach Braff) "but words will hurt me forever."
  • (Zach Braff) "Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person -- or Jewel."
  • (Zach Braff) "Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs."
  • (Zach Braff) "You hear about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had noBODY to go with."
  • (Neena) "A ha ha ha. That's really funny."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious."
  • (Zach Braff) "I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way; by touching everything in his first patient's room."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Everything."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "If it's bink I can explain."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "It's not bink."
  • (Zach Braff) "Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Just figure it out, dammit."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "Do you plunder?"
  • (Zach Braff) "I have been known to."
  • (Zach Braff) "There are a lot of ways to grieve, but last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan."
  • (Zach Braff) "You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "I don't know."
  • (Zach Braff) "Catch you later -- my brutha."
  • (Donald Faison) "I'll holla."
  • (Zach Braff) "He said, he'll holler --"

Sarah Chalke as Elliot

  • (Nurse) "Did somebody here buzz for a nurse?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "No."
  • (Nurse) "It looks like his eyes are screaming --"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass."
  • (Zach Braff) "And that my friends is one nerdy honky."
  • (Donald Faison) "That's two."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Thanks again for helping me look for Carla."
  • (Neil Flynn) "No problem. I'll check the dumpster."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "-- We're not looking for dead Carla."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Atta girl. You stay optimistic."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I heard you're telling everyone I violated you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Not everyone. Just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
  • (Zach Braff) "We could die."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Well, if you don't it gets mildewy."
  • (Zach Braff) "You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible --"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, Dr. Cox?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Awww, dammmit."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I have magic breasts."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "Have you been drinkin'?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Hm. Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Same job, different outfit."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "But if the ceremony's in spanish, how will I know when you guys are married?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "We all shoot off our guns and throw tortillas in the air."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Really? Oh, I wish I was was ethnic."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox."
  • (Dr. Cox) "And there you are."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Huh?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine -- and there you are."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Do you want to be alone?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Do you want to cry a little?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Position one, two or three?"
  • (Zach Braff) "We only had two."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "What are you doing in here?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "It's -- the men's room."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I know. I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then -- tried them, and found them -- oddly comfortable --"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye."
  • (Zach Braff) "Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern --"
  • (Snoop Dogg Intern) "Where my hoes at?"
  • (Zach Braff) "I haven't seen them."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Frick on a stick with a brick."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Mr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital."
  • (Alan Ruck) "Woo-hoo. I've got a tube in my penis."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him."
  • (Donald Faison) "Or, it's a simple surgery."
  • (Zach Braff) "Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Cut me the hell up."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dammit."

Johnny Kastl as Doug

  • (Johnny Kastl) "I'll have to agree with Chad. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome. This is an awesome wedding and I'm having an awesome time and you two are gonna have an awesome life. Awesome."
  • (Johnny Kastl) "Hey, Klaus, I got a question for you: why is it in your country that Hamburg and Frankfurt have nothing to do with hamburgers and hot dogs?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop?"

Robert Maschio as Todd

  • (Robert Maschio) "Why won't any women talk to me?"
  • (Unnamed) "Because you're slimy and you turn everything into a double entendre."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I do not."
  • (Donald Faison) "Go ahead."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I'd like to double her entendre."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident here he wants to make things clear so you don't have to wonder any more."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and -- yes, if I've been drinkin'."
  • (Aloma Wright) "Come here, wonder bread."
  • (Robert Maschio) "What's up, doll?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "If you come this close again I will end you."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty."
  • (Robert Maschio) "So, once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game."
  • (Johnny Kastl) "And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor -- I'm gonna go try and stop it."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl."
  • (Robert Maschio) "The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender."
  • (Unnamed) "You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo."
  • (Robert Maschio) "In your endo."
  • (Dr. Wen) "I don't know where that smell came from."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Uh, sir?"
  • (Dr. Wen) "What is it, do you see something?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Sir, I farted. That smell was from the fart that I made."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude."
  • (Dr. Wen) "Get the Hell out of my O.R.."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Show Todd some love."
  • (Zach Braff) "I hate showing Todd love."
  • (Robert Maschio) "So, what are her breasts like?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Todd, I'm right here."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Oh, sorry -- So, what are your breast like?"

Donald Faison as Chris Turk

  • (Donald Faison) "Who are these guys?"
  • (Zach Braff) "These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say " Crap, I've gotta go." And you'll go " Damn, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread."
  • (Donald Faison) "When do you find time to see your patients?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Between these thoughts."
  • (Donald Faison) "I got that guy."
  • (Donald Faison) "I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up"
  • (Zach Braff) "He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I need you to come upstairs and talk to a young black girl who will not let me call her mom."
  • (Donald Faison) "Why would she listen to me?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I may have told her you were Kayne West."
  • (Donald Faison) "I'm actually alright with that."
  • (Donald Faison) "Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf."
  • (Zach Braff) "Presentation, inspiration, and fear?"
  • (Donald Faison) "I love large groups of white people eating pollen."
  • (Donald Faison) "Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts."
  • (Donald Faison) "Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it."
  • (Donald Faison) "Let's play Steak."
  • (Zach Braff) "What?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I don't know what the hell she wants."
  • (Donald Faison) "I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants."
  • (Zach Braff) "My peeps are on the frits."
  • (Dr. Cox) "What?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Whoa."
  • (Zach Braff) "No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Yeah, right."
  • (Dr. Cox) "God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude --"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits."
  • (Donald Faison) "So, who'd you side with?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away."
  • (Donald Faison) "Smooth."
  • (Donald Faison) "Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Let's go, field trip."
  • (Donald Faison) "I got things to do, you know."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts."
  • (Donald Faison) "Carla put you up to this?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Turn around."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry; and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And -- sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing."
  • (Donald Faison) "It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."
  • (Donald Faison) "This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart --"
  • (Zach Braff) "This one needs courage."
  • (Donald Faison) "Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?"
  • (Donald Faison) "You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari; formerly Bob; gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss -- and we hug -- and we apologize for all the things we said -- 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas."
  • (Donald Faison) "Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse."
  • (Zach Braff) "Nothing's worse than a ninja; they're masters of every style of combat."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here -- you can walk through walls and nobody notices you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Not entirely unlike a -- ninja."
  • (Donald Faison) "It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date."
  • (Zach Braff) "Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Ankles is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses."
  • (Donald Faison) "Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first."
  • (Donald Faison) "Scalpel."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Scalpel what?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Scalpel, please."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby."
  • (Dr. Wen) "Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Awww -- Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Why don't you use Power Rangers?"
  • (Donald Faison) "How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?"
  • (Donald Faison) "How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman."
  • (Zach Braff) "Power Rangers ho."
  • (Donald Faison) "Woman, I was covered in BEES."
  • (Donald Faison) "Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Nice, while your mother lays there dying."
  • (Donald Faison) "Tell her."
  • (Zach Braff) "His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together."
  • (Donald Faison) "Because I love my mom."
  • (Zach Braff) "Mm, and I would love her too."
  • (Donald Faison) "Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro."
  • (Judy Reyes) "I do think that."

Ken Jenkins as Dr. Kelso

  • (Ken Jenkins) "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't schedule love."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think your credit card statement would beg to differ."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Come here, Tom."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Nothing worth having comes easy."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute -- I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Sweet dancing Jehovah. I've punctured my brain."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh. Yawn."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Wow. Seriously?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Yeah."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Not interested."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I didn't ask if you were interested."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Well, then, use that passion. Put that rage on the page."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ted's not an impressive man."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Hey --. That; Ah, he's right."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot -- why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions."
  • (Donald Faison) "You don't say."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Simpler times."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an -- unholy sin."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language."
  • (Dr. Clock) "Gracias, Señor."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "You're welcomo."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ketchup is for winners, Ted."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I know it was you."
  • (Donald Faison) "You mean this right here? It's mine from home."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, Now that's a professional."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Um, Sir I don't think I look unprofessional."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup. Get a haircut. And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ted have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I wish I was dead"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it."
  • (Zach Braff) "He died?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it; with your memo in the pocket; and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Baring his teeth, huh? -- OK, now here's whatcha do -- Are you ready?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Make a sudden move."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ahh, those two."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ahh, Dr. Turkleton."
  • (Donald Faison) "Actually, sir, it's Turk."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "That's your first name."
  • (Donald Faison) "You think my name is Turk Turkleton?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "-- and Mrs. Turkleton. The Turkletons. Hehehe --"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Give me a scotch."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Please?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Get here right now."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end -- oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Buzzy, buzz, buzz --"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I -- beg your pardon?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound."
  • (Dr. Cox) "They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "What is so funny?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part."
  • (Aloma Wright) "Why?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Uh, no reason."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Hey, guess what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Bob Kelso. I think we've met --"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "And Johnny's got a tattoo on his left cheek that says 'Bobbie'."
  • (Unnamed) "-- I bet he doesn't regret that at all."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "And I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Boy oh boy, you are really digging the heck out of this "secret friendship" thing."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Well, it has all the thrills of an affair without all that exhausting sex."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke."

Michael McDonald as Mikey

  • (Michael McDonald) "Eeeeeeeeehhhhh. I'm a pretty airplane. Board me. Eeeeeeeeehhhhh."
  • (Murray Marks) "He's a little off."
  • (Zach Braff) "He smells like fuel."
  • (Murray Marks) "He's an airplane."

Neil Flynn as Janitor

  • (Neil Flynn) "Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine."
  • (Randall) "Burn down her apartment."
  • (Troy) "I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Hey, Idiot."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Heh. I said idiot and you turned around."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers. Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day; let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof --"
  • (Neil Flynn) "-- there is NOT a toilet on the roof."
  • (Robert Maschio) "But you just said there was."
  • (Neil Flynn) "No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this -- there's a toilet -- on the roof. Am I right, people?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Cool."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Now, to me, that sounds like your fault -- Shocking?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Where ya going? Stay and play."
  • (Neil Flynn) "I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No -- because you're unconscious."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Oh man. I ironed my going out hair."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth."
  • (Neil Flynn) "How did you get a girlfriend?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I became friends with her best friend."
  • (Neil Flynn) "How'd you do that?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I lost my hair in the 8th grade."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Who're you?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Just a man with a saw."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open."
  • (Zach Braff) "Maybe there's a penny stuck in there."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Why a penny?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No reason."
  • (Neil Flynn) "You stick a penny in there?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No, I was just making small talk."
  • (Neil Flynn) "If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on. You can do this. You went to Harvard, for God's sake."
  • (Troy) "Relax. I figured it out."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Okay -- You gave me a penny -- and -- what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Scooter."
  • (Zach Braff) "Huh?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Your nickname will be scooter."
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't get it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Like Scooter Pies. I hate Scooter Pies."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh -- now I get it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family."
  • (Neil Flynn) "What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?"

Judy Reyes as Carla

  • (Judy Reyes) "So how far over the creek did you make it?"
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't know the exact distance in terms of feet and inches but in my own terms I would have to say -- about half way."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Don't stop paddling, Amy. You are sure in for the Little Girl X-Games."
  • (Judy Reyes) "How's he doing?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "The boy's got no biscuits."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You have no chance of being normal."
  • (Judy Reyes) "What are you guys talking about?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Nothing, guy talk."
  • (Zach Braff) "Bitches and Hoes."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Elliot -- Have you been in the supply closet, crying?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Carla, I don't do that anymore."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, my God. I look like Alice Cooper."
  • (Dr. Cox) "The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Aw, that is so sweet."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yeah, it is --"
  • (Zach Braff) "What about his subconscious?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Eisenhower -- was a sissy."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Oh, he got off your leash?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Give me a break. The kid's like -- he's like a -- have you ever seen a drunk baby?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's -- it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man -- you take your eyes off them for one second --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Yes I'll have an espresso, please and --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "What kind of scones do you have today?"
  • (Yuppie) "Ahem."
  • (Yuppie) "Son of a bitch. Do you mind lady? I am in a rush."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Oh, my goodness I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Well?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Are you just gonna roll over like that?"
  • (Christa Miller) "That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?"
  • (Christa Miller) "Again, last night."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You've gone soft."
  • (Christa Miller) "Okay, now it's getting spooky."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "I said 'It's so good it's like crack'."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was."
  • (Judy Reyes) "So what I'm not funny?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Am I right?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Then there are people with funny names -- Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern --"
  • (Snoop Dogg Intern) "Yo."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I am?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yes"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Awwwww."
  • (Dr. Cox) "And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T -- T"
  • (Dr. Cox) ". To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke."
  • (Dr. Cox) "The point is PLEASE don't tell anymore jokes."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I'm not really a sad sack?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Ted your pen exploded."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Awww."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "AWWWW MAN."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done playing racquetball or having a conversation or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep."
  • (Dr. Cox) "It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You know what your problem is?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "There are times when I put myself into situ --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, that is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences."
  • (Dr. Cox) "That's almost exactly what I was going to say."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Who put my stapler on the floor?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Thong."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Face five. Oh, yeah."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?"
  • (Donald Faison) "I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wus'UP"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Christopher."
  • (Donald Faison) "Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex -- Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Sometimes."

Tom Cavanagh as Dan

  • (Dr. Cox) "I don't have any answers for any of you; now please leave me alone."
  • (Tom Cavanagh) "But my boyfriend is bi-curious and wants me to pick his lovers for him."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Okay, I do have an answer for that -- Eww?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "You're still here? I thought you'd be gone off continuing on what ever wayward journey your on."
  • (Tom Cavanagh) "I just wanted to say a few things to you, Perry. I've never been much of a good example to my brother -- Johnny will never look up to me, but when I see you two together he hangs on every word you say as if it's his entire world. If you ever let him down you'll answer to me."

Sam Lloyd as Ted

  • (Sam Lloyd) "And you know what else? I quit."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "No you don't."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Well I'm leaving early today."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "No, you're not. You're coming back to my office to do busy work."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Fine, but I'm getting a soda first."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Whatever."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I'll never get a raise without the help of senior staff like yourself."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Not a chance, Ted."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Well you did what you could."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "And if you perform while under the influence -- don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure -- very, very sure -- you can tell them anything."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Yes -- no -- I'm barely here, sir."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Walk off, bitch."
  • (Dr. Cox) "How is it, exactly, that you just said that & your pants are still dry?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Don't you understand what you did when you addressed those interns? -- You took away the fear. You -- are a wonderful man -- and -- I love you."

Ryan Reynolds as Ben

  • (Ryan Reynolds) "Ya know something? You have slept with both of my sisters. So that means that you and I have something in common."
  • (Ryan Reynolds) "I think you've got yourself a Christmas card right there."
  • (Christa Miller) "Yeah, you're funny. Look, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?"
  • (Ryan Reynolds) "Because I don't like people to see my bum."
  • (Christa Miller) "So wear underwear."
  • (Ryan Reynolds) "You know how I feel about underwear."
  • (Christa Miller) "Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear."
  • (Ryan Reynolds) "The sweatpants years."
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets."

Aloma Wright as Nurse Roberts

  • (Aloma Wright) "Why don't you try some of my world famous deviled eggs?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "No thanks, I already had diarrhea today."

Rick Schroder as Paul Flowers


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