Pineapple Express (film) Quotes

Pineapple Express (film) is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . Pineapple Express ended in 1970.

It features Judd Apatow; Shauna Robertson as producer, Graeme Revell in charge of musical score, and Tim Orr as head of cinematography.

Pineapple Express (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Pineapple Express (film) is 112 minutes long. Pineapple Express (film) is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: James Franco as Saul, Seth Rogen as Dale Denton, Danny McBride as Red, Bill Hader as Private Miller, Ken Jeong as Ken, Kevin Corrigan as Budlofsky, Craig Robinson as Matheson, Amber Heard as Angie Anderson, Ed Begley Jr. as Robert, Gary Cole as Ted Jones, Arthur Napiontek as Clark, Joe Lo Truglio as Mr. Edwards, Cleo King as Police Liaison Officer, Nora Dunn as Shannon, and James Remar as General Bratt.

Pineapple Express (film) Quotes

Craig Robinson as Matheson

• (Craig Robinson) "Tear this ass up."

• (Craig Robinson) "This is so exciting."

• (Craig Robinson) "You know you gonna die, right?"
• (James Franco) "Yeah."
• (Craig Robinson) "I'm gonna kill the f*** out of you. I hope you enjoy these last seventeen minutes of your life."

• (Craig Robinson) "You know you gonna die right?"
• (James Franco) "Yeah --"
• (Craig Robinson) "I'm gonna kill the f*** out you -- I hope you enjoy these last -- 17 minutes of your life -- cause when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like, 'Kill that motha f***er, kill that motha f***in ass' -- watch your head."

• (Craig Robinson) "You used to be fierce. You used to be ruthless."

• (Craig Robinson) "Shut the f*** up. Do you know what shut the f*** up mean?"

• (Craig Robinson) "I knew you were going soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole."
• (James Franco) "f***ed up, man."
• (Craig Robinson) "Well looky here, Mr. Forges. Wussup, Saul?"
• (James Franco) "Look, I didn't want to hit you, man --"
• (Craig Robinson) "SHUT THE f*** UP. You think you was gonna get me, motherf***er? Huh? You need to set your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now."
• (James Franco) "Alright. You know what, if this is how it's gonna be, alright. Silence."

• (Craig Robinson) "Well, lookie here. Mr. Folgers. What's up, sir?"

• (Craig Robinson) "I look like the Hamburglar."

Seth Rogen as Dale Denton

• (Seth Rogen) "Saul, help me. Help me. He's punching my bum."

• (Seth Rogen) "No, what are you do; Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms?"

• (Seth Rogen) "In case you haven't noticed; which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever; we are not very functional when we're high."
• (James Franco) "Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy s***."
• (James Franco) "Don't f***ing get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home."
• (Seth Rogen) "Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that."
• (James Franco) "She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take s***s. You idiot, what the hell do you do?"

• (Seth Rogen) "What the f*** is this thing?"
• (James Franco) "Ah. Cross joint."
• (Seth Rogen) "Yeah."
• (James Franco) "You ever smoke one of those?"
• (Seth Rogen) "You can SMOKE this?"
• (James Franco) "Hell yeah, man."
• (Seth Rogen) "No."
• (James Franco) "This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one; the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden -- What you do is you light all three ends at the same time --"
• (Seth Rogen) "Really?"
• (James Franco) "and then the smoke converges, creating a TRIFECTA of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. That; future --"

• (Seth Rogen) "Danger. Danger. Trees. Tree. Tree. Squirrel."

• (Seth Rogen) "Oh, wow, you got a cute picture."
• (James Franco) "Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Like on her?"
• (James Franco) "If I needed to."
• (Seth Rogen) "Um -- I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started."
• (James Franco) "Well, save it."
• (Seth Rogen) "We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going."

• (Seth Rogen) "Hello? Hey, man."
• (James Franco) "What the f***? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Oh, s***, some guy with a faux 'hawk let me in. He was leaving when I was- --"
• (James Franco) "f***in' Kyle, man?"
• (Seth Rogen) "It might've been Kyle."
• (James Franco) "That asshole."
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm sorry."
• (James Franco) "What the f***'s the buzzer for, anyway?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocol yet."

• (Seth Rogen) "How's it goin', sporty spice?"

• (Seth Rogen) "What an adorable little cop."

• (Seth Rogen) "Hey, man, what happened to your lip?"
• (James Franco) "Yeah -- it looks like you've been crying or something --"
• (Danny McBride) "Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried."
• (James Franco) "Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like -- herpes?"
• (Danny McBride) "Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes."
• (James Franco) "Herpes -- Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?"
• (Danny McBride) "Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person."

• (Seth Rogen) "Uh, I'm looking for someone more mature."
• (Amber Heard) "Mature? I lost my virginity when I was fourteen; how many women have you slept with?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Um, two and a half."
• (Amber Heard) "A half? What's a half, your hand?"

• (Seth Rogen) "Aren't you angry at Ted?"
• (Danny McBride) "Yeah, I'm really mad at him --"
• (Seth Rogen) "Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?"
• (Danny McBride) "Maybe -- Maybe that'd be cool to do to him --"

• (Seth Rogen) "Do you believe me?"
• (Cleo King) "I don't know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop?"
• (Seth Rogen) "It was a policewoman. It was a woman."
• (Cleo King) "Oh, I think I know who that bitch was."
• (Seth Rogen) "Yes, I will identify that bitch."

• (Seth Rogen) "I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and s*** like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb f***in' stinky-ass turd when I'm there."
• (James Franco) "What?"
• (Seth Rogen) "It sucks for my ego."
• (James Franco) "f*** Jeff Goldblum, man."

• (Seth Rogen) "I'm gonna get us out of here."
• (James Franco) "No, you're not. But it's okay."

• (Seth Rogen) "You were cold and I clothed you."

• (Seth Rogen) "No, don't don't let him gonna -- No, don't wanna."

• (Seth Rogen) "He f***ing killed him."
• (James Franco) "Who killed who?"
• (Seth Rogen) "A cop, a lady, and a guy."
• (James Franco) "A cop, a lady, and a guy, man? That's like a massacre. You saw it?"
• (Seth Rogen) "No, it was just a guy."
• (James Franco) "What happened to the lady?"

• (Seth Rogen) "Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?"
• (James Franco) "Um -- heat-seeking missiles -- bloodhounds -- and foxes -- barracudas --"
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm just; I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird."
• (James Franco) "Thank you."
• (Seth Rogen) "Not a compliment."

• (Seth Rogen) "I should call Angie soon -- Make up some bulls*** --"

• (Seth Rogen) "Couscous; the food's so nice they named it twice."

Danny McBride as Red

• (Danny McBride) "I'm just up here, tryin' to get a motherf***in' scholarship."

• (Danny McBride) "TIME OUT. Time out."
• (James Franco) "Okay, truce."
• (Danny McBride) "Time in. f*** you."
• (James Franco) "CHEATER."
• (Danny McBride) "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

• (Danny McBride) "You assholes, you ruined my portable phone."

• (Danny McBride) "Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells."
• (Seth Rogen) "Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of s***, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a f***in' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?"
• (Danny McBride) "Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to."
• (Seth Rogen) "Belongs to me."
• (Danny McBride) "Then the dragon."

• (Danny McBride) "Today's my cat's birthday."

• (Danny McBride) "Do you know what today is?"
• (James Franco) "Tuesday."
• (Danny McBride) "This is my cat's birthday today."
• (Seth Rogen) "I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?"
• (Danny McBride) "No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm sorry?"
• (Danny McBride) "Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert."
• (James Franco) "Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven."
• (Danny McBride) "Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little f***er. He could've gone to hell."

• (Danny McBride) "You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherf***er."

• (Danny McBride) "Hey, what's up, dudes?"
• (Seth Rogen) "What's up? Tell us everything now."
• (James Franco) "Talk, Red."
• (Danny McBride) "I'm gonna flex and bust out of here."
• (James Franco) "Trapped."
• (Seth Rogen) "It's not happening, Red."
• (Danny McBride) "Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically f***ed."

• (Danny McBride) "What the f***, man? You shot me in my stomach. I'm gon' die now probably. Man, I had y'all over for dinner; fish tacos. This how you do me?"

• (Danny McBride) "I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow."

• (Danny McBride) "I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine."
• (Seth Rogen) "It's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth."

• (Danny McBride) "Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man."
• (Danny McBride) "You don't seem chill."
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm more chill than you."
• (Danny McBride) "You're more chill than me?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Yeah."
• (Danny McBride) "Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?"
• (Seth Rogen) "A suit."
• (Danny McBride) "Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you."
• (Seth Rogen) "Well, I don't know if I like you either, man."
• (Danny McBride) "Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend."

• (Danny McBride) "I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute."

• (Danny McBride) "Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers."

• (Danny McBride) "There you go. Why don't you just follow his lead and just chill out, man?"

• (Danny McBride) "I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing s*** because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body."
• (Seth Rogen) "Well, you've been shot like seven times."

• (Danny McBride) "Do not break down the door. Are you gonna pay for it?"

• (Danny McBride) "Thug life."

James Franco as Saul

• (James Franco) "Oh, sick. You threw up on my printer."
• (Seth Rogen) "I did."
• (James Franco) "You break it?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I hope not."

• (James Franco) "f*** the po-lice."

• (James Franco) "I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all day"
• (Seth Rogen) "Hey you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day."
• (James Franco) "Hey you're right. Hey thanks man."

• (James Franco) "You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv?"
• (Danny McBride) "Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah. Hit it up, dude."

• (James Franco) "BFFF?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Best f***in' Friends Forever, man."

• (James Franco) "I thought hurricane season was over."

• (James Franco) "Yeah I know where he lives, what are you insinuating, that I'm forgetful?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Insinuating --"
• (James Franco) "Yeah you know what that means? It means like --"
• (Seth Rogen) "I do what that means actually."
• (James Franco) "-- to seem like."

• (James Franco) "How about in the park, when I said you were my friend -- you didn't say anything back."
• (Seth Rogen) "Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic."
• (James Franco) "Oh."
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm sorry, that sounded really mean -- just to hear that, that sounded really mean."
• (James Franco) "No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now."
• (Seth Rogen) "What? That's not even -- a figure of speech."
• (James Franco) "Pandora can't go back into the box; he only comes out."

• (James Franco) "This is like if that Blue Oyster s*** met that Afghan Kush I had; and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and f***ed; this would the s*** that they birthed."
• (Seth Rogen) "Wow. This is the product of baby f***ing."

• (James Franco) "I wish we could just go nowhere."

• (James Franco) "Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork."

• (James Franco) "Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man."
• (Seth Rogen) "It's really that rare?"
• (James Franco) "It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like -- killin' a unicorn -- with, like, a bomb --"
• (Seth Rogen) "Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy?"
• (James Franco) "Yeah. My guy Red said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview."
• (Seth Rogen) "And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz?"
• (James Franco) "Yeah. So we're like the only guys --"
• (Seth Rogen) "And Red got this from Ted?"
• (James Franco) "Ted's the man."
• (Seth Rogen) "-- Let's get the f*** outta here, man. Go. Go. Let's go."
• (James Franco) "What?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Let's go. Go."
• (James Franco) "Why?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Because. I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house."
• (James Franco) "So what, man? I throw roaches all over the f***in' town --"
• (Seth Rogen) "No. No, no. He could find the roach and say it's Pineapple Express in here. SAUL. He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express. He must've seen the murder or know; let's f***in' kill him."
• (James Franco) "Oh, f***."
• (Seth Rogen) "Let's get outta here. Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop. Get weed. Get the weed."
• (James Franco) "Okay."
• (Seth Rogen) "Anything we might need: snacks, food, fruit roll-ups. Let's get the f*** outta here."

• (James Franco) "Holy cock."
• (Seth Rogen) "f*** you."

• (James Franco) "You're in the jungle now, Baby."

• (James Franco) "Holy cock."
• (Seth Rogen) "f*** you."

• (James Franco) "I'm cold --"
• (Seth Rogen) "You're cold? Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here --"
• (Seth Rogen) "-- I run hot."
• (James Franco) "Really?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Yeah."
• (James Franco) "You got more --"
• (Seth Rogen) "Thick blood."
• (James Franco) "-- body."

• (James Franco) "Man, why'd we have to go to the woods?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Well you didn't come up with any ideas."
• (James Franco) "Yeah, I came up with two. Nowhere and Quizno's."

• (James Franco) "What you do -- is you light all three ends at the same, and the smoke converges, creating a trifecta of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future, that future."

• (James Franco) "Holy cock."

• (James Franco) "Okay here's what you do. You equip yourself --"
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm equipping. Equip me, sir."

• (James Franco) "I think we should stay."
• (Seth Rogen) "Why?"
• (James Franco) "-- Cause I'm in the dumpster already."

• (James Franco) "Hey, in here."
• (Seth Rogen) "What? WHOA. I gotta get to a phone, man, COME ON."
• (James Franco) "Why?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Why? Why, look. OK, if Red tells Ted's guys about"
• (Seth Rogen) "my name, They'll go to my apartment,"
• (Seth Rogen) "And there, I have Angie's name."
• (Seth Rogen) "And they could put that all together, and they'll find us, Let's go."
• (James Franco) "No, no. I think we should stay."
• (Seth Rogen) "WHY?"
• (James Franco) "'Cause I'm in the dumpster already."
• (Seth Rogen) "Well, then get out."
• (Seth Rogen) "Ughh."

• (James Franco) "Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind."
• (Seth Rogen) "It's really that rare?"
• (James Franco) "It's, like, the rarest."
• (James Franco) "It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn -- with, like, a bomb."

• (James Franco) "If anyone asks, you got it from Sau; -I mean -- Santiago and -- Dunbar."

• (James Franco) "Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock."
• (Seth Rogen) "That's not gonna get us a ride, man."

• (James Franco) "It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn -- with, like, a bomb."

• (James Franco) "What's up with the suit?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit."
• (James Franco) "Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?"
• (Seth Rogen) "No, no. What? No, I'm not like- --"
• (James Franco) "Shine shoes?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I'm a process server."

• (James Franco) "HERPES."
• (Danny McBride) "You brought the devil into my house."
• (James Franco) "We're friends."
• (Danny McBride) "I know we are, that's what SUCKS."
• (James Franco) "Are you on that meth s*** again?"
• (James Franco) "Dale, he's hurting me."

• (James Franco) "Enjoy your last meal."
• (James Franco) "Here, supersize it, bitch."

• (James Franco) "Let's roll, man. I'm done with the woods. Let's go. C'mon, man, let's get the f*** outta here."
• (Seth Rogen) "Okay -- Uhh let's go -- No -- It's not working -- the battery's dead."
• (James Franco) "Wait --. What do you mean, it's dead?"
• (Seth Rogen) "What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead."
• (James Franco) "No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?"
• (Seth Rogen) "How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul."
• (James Franco) "How did this happen?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and- --"
• (James Franco) "Aw, man -- Talk radio?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Yes, talk radio."
• (James Franco) "So boring, man. The car just committed suicide."

• (James Franco) "When my foot was in the hole; and my groin; man, I felt like a wishbone."

• (James Franco) "Give it to me."
• (Seth Rogen) "Come on."
• (James Franco) "Be taller."
• (Seth Rogen) "Be stronger."

• (James Franco) "Herpes is for life, bro."
• (Danny McBride) "Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though."
• (James Franco) "It's from that time. I told you, man. You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it."
• (James Franco) "Out of her vagina, I know. Remember what you did? What'd you do?"
• (Danny McBride) "Nothing."
• (Danny McBride) "You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole."

• (James Franco) "But don't call it that. Call it -- Banana Boat."

• (James Franco) "Smell it. SMELL it. Enjoy. It's like -- God's vagina."
• (Seth Rogen) "Uhhh."
• (James Franco) "What, do you wanna bathe in it?"
• (Seth Rogen) "I just want to live in here."
• (James Franco) "Yes, you wanna be it?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That's amazing. It's beautiful."
• (James Franco) "Shove it anywhere you like."
• (Seth Rogen) "What's it called?"
• (James Franco) "Pineapple Express."

Ken Jeong as Ken

• (Ken Jeong) "War is upon you. Prepare to suck the cock of karma."

• (Ken Jeong) "You, suck my balls. Two times."

• (Ken Jeong) "Tonight we cook up some s***. Take his stash and burn the motherf***er down."
• (Ken Jeong) "No retreat, no surrender."

Kevin Corrigan as Budlofsky

• (Kevin Corrigan) "Hey. How about a little f***in' discretion."
• (Craig Robinson) "What abo- you catch that? you see that? You use to not give a f*** about discretion. I seen't you break somebody's jawbone off. I SEEN'T it. You was ruthless man. ruthless."

• (Kevin Corrigan) "It smells like vomit in this house."

• (Kevin Corrigan) "No, I can't. My wife can always tell. She can smell it on my sweater."
• (Craig Robinson) "You want my vest? It smell good."
• (Kevin Corrigan) "It's not my style."
• (Craig Robinson) "You ain't got no style, muthaf***a."

Ed Begley Jr. as Robert

• (Ed Begley Jr.) "Get the f*** out of my car, I can't believe you'd even think that would be an option."
• (James Franco) "We gotta get away from the bad guys."
• (Seth Rogen) "No, no, he's right. Come on, let's go."
• (James Franco) "The hell?"

• (Ed Begley Jr.) "You assholes do exactly as I say or I will take you outside and f*** you in the street."

• (Ed Begley Jr.) "Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna --"
• (Seth Rogen) "What? No. No, don't let him gonna. No, don't wanna."

Amber Heard as Angie Anderson

• (Amber Heard) "f*** you, Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?"
• (Seth Rogen) "Like two and a half."
• (Amber Heard) "Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count."

James Remar as General Bratt

• (James Remar) "When did it start?"
• (Scientist) "At 0500. We're seven minutes in."
• (Scientist) "Okay, Private Miller, you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?"
• (Bill Hader) "Well sir -- I feel like a -- like a slice of butter -- melting -- on top of a -- big old pile -- of flapjacks -- yeah."
• (Scientist) "Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?"
• (Scientist) "Okay, Private Miller?"
• (James Remar) "Is this normal?"

• (James Remar) "When did it start?"
• (Scientist) "At 0500. We're seven minutes in"
• (Scientist) "Okay, Private Miller, you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?"
• (Bill Hader) "Well sir -- I feel like a -- like a slice of butter -- melting -- on top of a -- big old pile -- of flapjacks -- yeah."
• (Scientist) "Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?"
• (Scientist) "Okay, Private Miller?"
• (James Remar) "Is this normal?"

Arthur Napiontek as Clark

• (Arthur Napiontek) "Dude, I wanted to tell you. You were hilarious today in Drama Class."
• (Amber Heard) "Seriously, your Jeff Goldblum impression made me piss my pants."
• (Arthur Napiontek) "Oh, I wish."

• (Arthur Napiontek) "It's time to suck today's dick."
• (Seth Rogen) "Yeah, suck dick."

Gary Cole as Ted Jones

• (Gary Cole) "Has anyone seen my bigger knife?"

Joe Lo Truglio as Mr. Edwards

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Bill Hader as Private Miller

• (Bill Hader) "Why are we underground, sir?"

• (Scientist) "Private Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?"
• (Bill Hader) "Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter -- melting on top of a big-ol' pile of flapjacks -- yeah."

• (Bill Hader) "Dude, what happened to your eye?"

• (Bill Hader) "Hell-ooo. Bleep blorp bleep -- can you guys understand me?"

Cleo King as Police Liaison Officer

• (Cleo King) "Oooh, big sexy with glasses."

• (Cleo King) "Don't move; this s*** hurts."
• (Cleo King) "What's in your hand?"
• (Seth Rogen) "It's weed, it's a joint, it's a roach. I thought it was decriminalized. To be honest with you, I have horrible anorexia and it helps my appetite. I'm so sorry."
• (Cleo King) "Look, selling narcotics to my students is not decriminalized. I'm the liaison officer for this school. And guess what? I just saw three students walking from back here with their eyes as red as the devil's dick."
• (Seth Rogen) "f***."
• (Cleo King) "You're busted."
• (Seth Rogen) "Those kids came up and they peer-pressured me; this is a horrible misunderstanding."

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