Mad TV (season 13) Quotes

Mad TV (season 13) is a television show that was first aired in 2007 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Mad TV ended in 2008.

Mad TV (season 13) aired for 16 episodes.

Mad TV (season 13) Quotes

• (Mrs. Campbell) "That is so awful for your father to be dying of cancer. It's just horrible. Now -- can I ask you a question? Was he a smoker?"
• (Daughter) "Um, yes. Yes, he was."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well then I just don't understand how he could be surprised. I mean it says it right there on the side of the box, doesn't it? "Smoking Causes Cancer." I know 'cause I've seen it on there. Now -- can I ask you a question? Can your father read?"
• (Daughter) "Of course he can read."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Well, I just thought maybe he was illiterate and that was why he was surprised when he got cancer. Because it does say right there on the box --"

• (Belma Buttons) "Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot."
• (Tovah McQueen) "God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky."

• (Diane Sawyer) "I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me."
• (Ted Koppel) "I'm Ted Koppel."

• (Nautica Brown) "And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind -- My Ass. Hollywood -- and the White Man's Lies"."
• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "Damn, that's an angry bitch."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?"
• (Various) "His what?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there."
• (Various) "I'm sorry, I don't understand --"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh."

• (Man) "Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The world."

• (Connie Chung) "You were great in "Chicago"."
• (Catherine Zeta-Jones) "Thank you, that means a lot."
• (Connie Chung) "I know what "thank you" means."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about the smoking?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Smoking is for Europeans and white trash."

• (Eve) "If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?"

• (Chuck) "Have you ever been arrested?"
• (Trina) "Well --"
• (Chuck) "Well what?"
• (Trina) "Well, last March my cousin accused me of stealing her baby. I just wanted to hold it, for a few days, in Mexico, rename it, cut and dye its hair, tattoo things on its pretty little toes. It was all just a huge mistake"

• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that."

• (Drew Barrymore) "I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love."
• (Drew Barrymore) "Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready."
• (Drew Barrymore) "E.T.'s here?"

• (Dixie Wetsworth) "You like? I like."

• (Cloret) "Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?"
• (Countess Vaughn) "It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN."
• (Cloret) "You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you."

• (Dot) "Look how little my gloves are."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Serpentine."

• (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch."
• (Rogaine Washington) "Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant. Isn't this fun?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The waiter's face looked weird."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's because he's Asian --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"

• (Unnamed) "So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Um-hum."
• (Unnamed) "Well, how does that makes you feel?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you -- You know, sweetie, it's not your fault."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Aaaaahhh."
• (Unnamed) "Stuart, that was not very nice."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Say that into the microphone."
• (Unnamed) "If I do, will we be friends?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't know."
• (Unnamed) "Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine."

• (Connie Chung) "I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games."

• (Simon Cowell) "Jacko, freak of nature -- yes. Pedofile -- yes. She-male -- yes."
• (Simon Cowell) "American Idol, no."

• (Dr. Kylie) "If you married Darth Vader, you would be Ella Vader."

• (Dot) "I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like; seven or ten."

• (Abercrombie Guy 1) "So what'd you guys do last night?"
• (Abercrombie Guy 2) "Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight."
• (Abercrombie Guy 3) "Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together."
• (Abercrombie Guy 1) "I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs."

• (Various) "I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Mrs. Campbell) "Now see, that is why I never did buy a gun is because I just don't think shooting yourself sounds like any fun."
• (Man) "Lady, I didn't do it on purpose."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "You didn't? Well, now, let me ask you a question -- do you have a television?"
• (Man) "Yes."
• (Mrs. Campbell) "Have you ever seen this TV show? It's called "The News"?"

• (Steven Cragg) "Hey guess what. There's a show on ABC called Rodney starring Rodney Carrington that just got picked up for another season. Hey, Rodney got picked up for another season. Yeah. Honk your horn. Hey I got a question, who the f*** is Rodney Carrington?"

• (Piano Teacher) "Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hm hmm."
• (Piano Teacher) "You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "If I said I did it, I did it."

• (Lorraine Swanson) "Goddddddd, that's cute."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about lying?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis."

• (Girl in Tow Truck) "I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family."
• (Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man) "Then you are stupid."

• (Spishak Spokesman) "How many times has this happened to you?"

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee."

• (Police Officer) "Year and make of the car, please."
• (Driver) "It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer."

• (Mrs. Curtis) "Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass."

• (Cosby) "If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person."

• (Fantana 1) "It's so hot --"
• (Fantana 2) "And hard to think."
• (Fantana 3) "Don't you want a Fanta?"

• (Customer) "I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did."
• (Cloret) "And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice."

• (Various) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."

• (Malcolm X) "You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, do you know what you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A happy meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."

• (Ricky Martin) "Ask me how I feel, come on, ask me how I feel."
• (Unnamed) "Okay, how do you feel?"
• (Ricky Martin) "I feel crazy, man."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight -- oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly."

• (Dale) "Carol Finney. Tell us something about yourself, and not something I've already said."
• (Carol) "Well, I like to roll nickels -- I have a windmill magnet collection -- my daughter's my best friend."
• (Dale) "Well I hope your husband is a close second."
• (Carol) "Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about swearing?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats."

• (Phil LaMarr) "And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control."

• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, okay, I tell you everything."

• (Jovan Muskatelle) "It was crazy as hell, man. Pandemonium 2004."

• (DMV Worker) "Now turn and face the camera."
• (Ms. Swan) "Live from New York --"
• (DMV Worker) "No. That's the wrong show."

• (Ms. Swan) "What the hell?"

• (Stuart Larkin) "Look what I can do."

• (Various) "Where are the strawberries?"

• (Joe Namath) "Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday."

• (Dancer) "Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo."
• (Bunifa Jackson) "Well I'm not a ho, either."

• (Jessica Simpson) "Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from."

• (Rosa Parks) "What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses. It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people." See --"
• (Rosa Parks) "We've got TWO asses."

• (Unnamed) "OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting."

• (Vancome Lady) "Shaaa -- You know what?"

• (Edward) "I don't get it."

• (Nurse) "It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off."
• (Vancome Lady) "Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf."

• (Simon Cowell) "You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster --"
• (Simon Cowell) "-- pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me."

• (Will Sasso) "So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?"
• (Unnamed) "You are."

• (Bob Dole) "Maybe I can win Texas, but I can't win your love. And Texas doesn't look good naked."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about sliding down the banister?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Stay away from my Danger Zone."

• (Vancome Lady) "Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention."
• (Vancome Lady) "Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape."
• (Stuart Larkin) "They look like this."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye."
• (Stuart Larkin) "I don't have a lazy eye."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Ohh. Yes you do."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?"

• (Mr. Swan) "Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me."

• (Dr. Phil) "You're like a little Latino sponge, sucking up what you like to have."
• (Dr. Phil) "What the frick? Is that a camera?"

• (Ms. Swan) "He look-a like-a man."

• (Unnamed) "Look, you can't go around killing people all the time."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "You just can't."
• (Unnamed) "Why?"
• (Unnamed) "Forgive him, Father. He's a robot from the future."

• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating."

• (Stuart Larkin) "Dooooooon't."

• (Destiny) "Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you."
• (Destiny) "Even though we are the same age --"
• (Tad) "That's right. We're both fifteen."
• (Destiny) "That's right."

• (Doreen Larkin) "What do you want to eat?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "A Happy Meal."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."
• (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. That kind of talk is racist. What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?"
• (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother."
• (Doreen Larkin) "That's righ-"
• (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Ohh. Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you."
• (Stuart Larkin) "Hmm-hmm. You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat."
• (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Okay --"
• (Stuart Larkin) "The French are smelly and can't fight --"

• (Dot) "My dream is to go swimming in my Hallowe'en costume."

• (Announcer) "It's Mad TV."

• (Unnamed) "Haha, take it like a man."
• (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, you look like you take it like a man."

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