Funny Christmas Quotes
Christmas is a fantastic holiday. I love it. It's a great time to spend time with family, eat lots of food, and just try to relax after all the stressful shopping.
To help celebrate this great holiday, here are some funny Christmas quotes.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Anonymous
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.
Anonymous
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Anonymous
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, "Mony Python"
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Joan Rivers
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.
P.J. O'Rourke
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
Dave Barry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts.
Anonymous
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
Dave Barry
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
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