Zombieland Quotes

Zombieland is a television show that was first aired in 1970 . Zombieland ended in 1970.

It features Gavin Polone as producer, David Sardy in charge of musical score, and Michael Bonvillain as head of cinematography.

Zombieland is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Zombieland is 88 minutes long. Zombieland is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus, Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee, Abigail Breslin as Little Rock, and Emma Stone as Wichita.

Zombieland Quotes

Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human, with great potential."
• (Woody Harrelson) "It's okay -- But FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "I'm sure."
• (Woody Harrelson) "You get, uh --"
• (Woody Harrelson) "45% power."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Thank you."
• (Woody Harrelson) "There you go."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "A zombie isn't a dead person who's just come back to life. It's someone who's been infected with the plague of the 21st century -- Zombiism's carried in bodily fluids, and these fluids are highly contagious and fast acting when they mix with your fluids. So, if you're thinking of going tongue-to-tonsil with your suddenly less cute neighbor --"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "try something a little more innocent -- Mom and Dad would have to wait --"

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "1997. Was that a good year?"
• (Emma Stone) "Yeah. 1997 was a great year. I saw my first R-rated movie -- Anaconda. Got my first tattoo, a porpoise. Fake. Had my first kiss -- Scotty Lynch."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Did you guys --"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "-- use tongue?"
• (Emma Stone) "Maybe. Why, are you jealous of Scotty Lynch?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Yes. Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Let me see -- I think -- 1997 I had my first orthodontist appointment -- bastard gave me headgear -- I got my first B --"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "-- almost as scary as Anaconda -- went to my first dance. Sadie Hawkins, so it was ladies' choice --"
• (Emma Stone) "And nobody picked you?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Well, it was ladies' choice."
• (Emma Stone) "-- No. Those bitches. No, I will not stand for this."
• (Emma Stone) "On behalf of all the eighth grade girls, I would like to dance with you."
• (Emma Stone) "Don't worry. Scotty's old news."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?"
• (Woody Harrelson) "No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You tell yourself over and over, this did not just happen -- It did not -- It did not -- it did not -- It couldn't have -- it -- it couldn't have -- But it did -- In the name of every sane thing that came before it -- and all that I have come to know, and expect about the world -- it did --"

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Hey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total s*** storm."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "That guy down there -- is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Don't swing, don't swing."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Swing."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Poor fat bastard."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?"
• (Woody Harrelson) "Back east, yeah?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?"
• (Woody Harrelson) "Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "There are no penguins on the North Pole."
• (Woody Harrelson) "You wanna feel how hard I can punch?"

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons -- were the fatties."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Poor flat bastard."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Tallahassee firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland -- or else you'll lose what's left of your mind. Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say "Hey, go ape s***"."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it --"

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose."
• (Woody Harrelson) "I haven't cried like that since "Titanic.""

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be f***ed with"."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Rule Number 2: Ziploc Bags -- You have enough problems. Moisture shouldn't be one of them --"

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "The plague of the 21st Century, remember mad cow disease? Well mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. It's a fast acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, makes you hateful and violent and leaves you with a really bad case of the munchies."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Fasten your seat belts. This is going to be a bumpy ride."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Hey, for f***'s sake, enough already. We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it. We can't just f***ing drive down the road playing I Spy or some s*** for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? f*** me."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Whoa."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "I know."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret f***ing government lab."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You see, He was in the ass-kicking business and --"
• (Woody Harrelson) "-- business is good."

• (Jesse Eisenberg) "f*** this clown."

• (Bill Murray) "Is that you say hello where you come from?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Mr. Murray?"
• (Bill Murray) "I'm just Bill, I think, now."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Bill?"
• (Bill Murray) "Yeah?"
• (Woody Harrelson) "I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this."
• (Bill Murray) "Ah. That's still tender."
• (Woody Harrelson) "You think you might pull through?"
• (Bill Murray) "No."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive."
• (Bill Murray) "It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker."
• (Abigail Breslin) "So do you have any regrets?"
• (Bill Murray) ""Garfield," maybe."

Emma Stone as Wichita

• (Emma Stone) "You know between you, me and "What About Bob?" -- You're actually kinda cute."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You think so?"
• (Emma Stone) "Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Really?"
• (Emma Stone) "Or at least give you the intentional walk to first."

• (Emma Stone) "Let's play the quiet game."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "I've actually been meaning to ask you, have you been to Columbus, because I've been trying to --"
• (Emma Stone) "Have you never played the quiet game?"

• (Emma Stone) "Ooh. Free parking --"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Yeah."
• (Emma Stone) "-which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No- no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?"
• (Woody Harrelson) "The best thing is no more flushing. Epic."

• (Emma Stone) "The muscles, and the way he sucked in his stomach, I'm guessing 8th grade PE teacher. I could see him in power-blue dolphin shorts."
• (Abigail Breslin) "Or pool guy. Or concert security."
• (Emma Stone) "Maybe we're underestimating him --"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Nah --"
• (Emma Stone) "And the skinny one?"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Get some sun."
• (Emma Stone) "I know -- He kinda screamed 'Kinko's' --"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Or -- Lady Foot Locker."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Whoa whoa whoa -- Get him --"
• (Abigail Breslin) "You know what's amazing?"
• (Emma Stone) "What?"
• (Abigail Breslin) "That they got this far. I mean, they should be so proud --"
• (Emma Stone) "I know. They can die happy."
• (Emma Stone) "No."
• (Abigail Breslin) "Okay --"
• (Emma Stone) "NO."
• (Abigail Breslin) "OKAY."
• (Emma Stone) "We are not going back. What did we say?"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Trust no one. Just you and me."
• (Emma Stone) "Yeah. You and me -- Even if it means leaving behind the slow and the weak --"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Or -- One slow and one weak."
• (Emma Stone) "Right --"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Y'know -- I saw this Discovery Channel show -- On like wildebeest herds or something -- They always wait for the slow and the weak -- Y'know -- That way, when the lions show up, they only eat the slow and the weak --"

• (Emma Stone) "You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove half way across the country -- where are you gonna go?"
• (Abigail Breslin) "I'm going to Pacific Playland. Woo."

• (Emma Stone) "I'm sorry, he just gets me. But, it's really sad."

• (Bill Murray) "You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece. It's a piece."
• (Emma Stone) "It's; I'm sorry. No, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen."
• (Bill Murray) "I just saw Eddie Van Halen."
• (Emma Stone) "Nuh-uh."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Really?"
• (Bill Murray) "Yeah."
• (Emma Stone) "Wow."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Where?"
• (Bill Murray) "The Hollywood Bowl."
• (Woody Harrelson) "And how was he?"
• (Bill Murray) "He's a zombie."
• (Emma Stone) "Aw. Tough break."

Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee

• (Woody Harrelson) "Thank God for rednecks."

• (Woody Harrelson) "You can do anything you want to a man, but do not f*** with his Cadillac."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Wow, these fellas really let themselves go."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "And they're so fat."

• (Woody Harrelson) "In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? "Los submarinos.""

• (Woody Harrelson) "My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. Who'd a guessed that something'd be zombie-killing?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Probably nobody."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Are you f***ing with me?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we're going down that hill. It is very important."
• (Woody Harrelson) "I don't believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?"

• (Woody Harrelson) "Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?"

• (Woody Harrelson) "Hey, a little help with movin' the couch. We're makin' a fort."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Bill Murray, you're a zombie?"
• (Bill Murray) "Ow, I'm on fire. Ouch."
• (Woody Harrelson) "You're not a zombie, you're talking and -- You're okay?"
• (Bill Murray) "The hell I am."
• (Emma Stone) "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was -- It was "you" you."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Are you? What's with the get-up?"
• (Bill Murray) "Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Here's the deal: I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch."

• (Woody Harrelson) "god**** it, Bill f***ing Murray. I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill f***ing Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like -- Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Thank God for rednecks."

• (Woody Harrelson) "They're in the back, aren't they?"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Just me."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger --"
• (Woody Harrelson) "You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Well, girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age."
• (Abigail Breslin) "Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Like you would ever use that thing"
• (Woody Harrelson) "Don't kill me with my own gun."

• (Woody Harrelson) "B-holes -- Jokes on them. Look what I swiped from under the seat."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Hey -- This bag ain't gonna carry itself --"

• (Woody Harrelson) "You see, that why i don't let people close, you only get burned."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Have you ever read that book "She's Just Not That Into You"?"

• (Woody Harrelson) "Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-f***."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the f***ing Twinkies?"
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "I love Sno-Balls."
• (Woody Harrelson) "I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "Fresh."
• (Woody Harrelson) "Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet."

• (Woody Harrelson) "What do you think? "Zombie Kill of the Week"?"

• (Woody Harrelson) "Where are the f***ing Twinkies?"

• (Woody Harrelson) "There's a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Some day very soon, Life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go -- empty."

• (Woody Harrelson) "You've got a pretty mouth."

• (Woody Harrelson) "Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. Let's go ride the rollercoaster."

• (Woody Harrelson) "I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, and you stole it from a movie."

Abigail Breslin as Little Rock

• (Abigail Breslin) "No Twinkies."
• (Woody Harrelson) "s***. f***."
• (Emma Stone) "See, I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe's. No one listens to me."

• (Abigail Breslin) "Have you heard about Pacific Playland? There are no zombies there."
• (Jesse Eisenberg) "The amusement park?"
• (Abigail Breslin) "Yep."
• (Woody Harrelson) "That place totally blows."
• (Woody Harrelson) "-- my mind. Just fun for the whole family."

• (Abigail Breslin) "Yes. But no she's not, she's not. She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana. When she's wearing the wig. So --"

• (Abigail Breslin) "Who's Bill Murray?"
• (Woody Harrelson) "I've never hit a kid before. I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is."
• (Abigail Breslin) "Who's Gandhi?"

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