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You Don't Mess with the Zohan Quotes

You Don't Mess with the Zohan is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . You Don't Mess with the Zohan ended in 1970.

It features Adam Sandler, Jack Giarraputo, and Robert Smigel as producer, Rupert Gregson-Williams in charge of musical score, and Michael Barrett (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of You Don't Mess with the Zohan is 112 minutes long. You Don't Mess with the Zohan is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Nick Swardson as Michael, Adam Sandler as Zohan, John Turturro as The Phantom, Rob Schneider as Salim, Lainie Kazan as Gail, Emmanuelle Chriqui as Dalia, Alec Mapa as Claude, Daoud Heidami as Nasi, Ido Mosseri as Oori, Sayed Badreya as Hamdi, Dave Matthews as James, Guri Weinberg as Aharon, and Big Guido as Announcer.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan Quotes

Alec Mapa as Claude

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

John Turturro as The Phantom

  • (John Turturro) "Okay, okay, okay. What you want, huh?"
  • (Rob Schneider) "I want muchentuchen restaurant chain."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "But if I tell, you no have chain anyway."
  • (John Turturro) "So, you not give any incentive."
  • (Rob Schneider) "Okay. I want 50 percent of muchentuchen chain. We call it "Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen"."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "Twenty-five percent."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "I want yogurt shop attached to store, like food court."
  • (John Turturro) "Okay."
  • (Rob Schneider) "I get profits from store."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "Some profits."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "I get free yogurt when I come to store."
  • (John Turturro) "Okay. Within reason."
  • (Rob Schneider) "And -- I want some of your wives."
  • (John Turturro) "How many wives you want?"
  • (Rob Schneider) "Twenty."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "I sleep with one wife."
  • (John Turturro) "No."
  • (Rob Schneider) "She give one pee-pee touch."
  • (John Turturro) "Okay."

Emmanuelle Chriqui as Dalia

  • (Emmanuelle Chriqui) "Zohan. He has a bomb -- and puppies."
  • (Adam Sandler) "No."
  • (Dave Matthews) "Imma blow up this whole block, Imma blow you up, Imma blow up these puppies. And we all gone' go to hell together, cause I hate these puppies."

Adam Sandler as Zohan

  • (Adam Sandler) "So let's go."
  • (Adam Sandler) "I just want to make people silky-smooth."
  • (Zohan's Father) "And this is your Palestinian wife."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Yes papa."
  • (Zohan's Father) "Does she know you're a faygelah?"
  • (Zohan's Father) "Congratulations. Now cut my hair --"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Unbelievable. This enema gets to live his dream --."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Don't worry. I will lose them."
  • (Limousine Passenger) "Nobody's following us."
  • (Adam Sandler) "One woman, one zikpah, one life --"
  • (Adam Sandler) "Why you do this? You know I feel no pain."
  • (John Turturro) "No no no no no -- I feel no pain."

Lainie Kazan as Gail

  • (Lainie Kazan) "Well Australia, it must be really nice there since they got rid of the apartheid."
  • (Adam Sandler) "Oh yes, the weather is much cooler."
  • (Lainie Kazan) "Oh, that's Neosporin. I use it on cuts and on genital sores."

Nick Swardson as Michael

  • (Nick Swardson) "Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch."
  • (Adam Sandler) "The Communism tight crotch? What?"
  • (Nick Swardson) "What are you? Bionic?"
  • (Adam Sandler) "No, no, no, no, no, I only like the girls -- Thanks anyways."

Big Guido as Announcer

  • (Big Guido) "All this month, order Muchentuchen happy lunch and get actions figures from the new movie, Phantom presents Death to Zohan."
  • (Big Guido) "Limit one per customer. America is satan."

Rob Schneider as Salim

  • (Rob Schneider) "And you are stupid cow."

Dave Matthews as James

  • (Dave Matthews) "You want us to get some mud people out'ch-your buildin' so you can build some kind-a roller coaster mall. Sir I just wanna thank you for this opportunity. I mean it's a gift to mess with the Jews and terrorists on the same night. I mean it's like, uh, it's like uh, uh, it's like Christmas in July. Right now we are scheduled to sabotage a black people's parade in Chicago, uh but we could move that."

Guri Weinberg as Aharon

  • (Guri Weinberg) "You ever cut a sister's hair before?"
  • (African American Salon Owner) "Yes, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, the whole family. I'm good at this."

Daoud Heidami as Nasi

  • (Daoud Heidami) "People don't like us."
  • (Ido Mosseri) "Come it's not easy for us. People don't like us too."
  • (Sayed Badreya) "Why?"
  • (Ido Mosseri) "Because they think we're you."

Ido Mosseri as Oori

  • (Ido Mosseri) "Once you start in an electronics store, you never get out."

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