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UHF (film) Quotes

UHF (film) is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . UHF ended in 1970.

It features Gene Kirkwood as producer, John Du Prez in charge of musical score, and David Lewis as head of cinematography.

UHF (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of UHF (film) is 97 minutes long. UHF (film) is distributed by Orion Pictures.

The cast includes: Gedde Watanabe as Kuni, Michael Richards as Stanley Spadowski, "Weird Al" Yankovic as George Newman, Trinidad Silva as Raul Hernandez, David Bowe as Bob Steckler, Fran Drescher as Pamela Finklestein, Kevin McCarthy as R.J. Fletcher, Emo Philips as Joe Earley, Anthony Geary as Philo, Victoria Jackson as Teri Campbell, Stanley Brock as Harvey Bilchik, Sue Ane Langdon as Esther Bilchik, and Patrick Thomas O'Brien as Satan.

UHF (film) Quotes

David Bowe as Bob Steckler

  • (David Bowe) "What's Teri gonna say when she learns you got fired from another job again? Aren't you supposed to meet her at her parents house for dinner tonight?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Teri? Oh no. What time is it?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "7:30? Oh no, I gotta run. I'll see you later."
  • (David Bowe) "How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and -- just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Please. Just BASH it right in."
  • (David Bowe) "George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me five bucks."
  • (David Bowe) "Wait a minute. Don't you already own Channel 8? Isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Oh. Really? Gee --"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot."
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Toodle-oo."
  • (David Bowe) "I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day."

Fran Drescher as Pamela Finklestein

  • (Fran Drescher) ""Broads don't belong in broadcasting?" Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, "never call chicks broads.""
  • (Fran Drescher) "Why, you slimy -- ooh."

Michael Richards as Stanley Spadowski

  • (Michael Richards) "George? What's wrong, George?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Stanley, you don't want to know."
  • (Michael Richards) "Then why'd I ask? Is there anything I can do to help?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Now unless you got seventy-five thousand dollars on you."
  • (Michael Richards) "No, sorry."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "This is ridiculous. There must be something I can do."
  • (Michael Richards) "This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. This is a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop. Sometimes, you just hafta take what life gives ya, 'cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff -- you, you, you gotta clean it out. You, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop, it's not good enough, it's not good enough. You, you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta, you gotta stand right up. You, you gotta run to a window and say, "Hey. These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.""
  • (Michael Richards) "I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange."
  • (Michael Richards) "Okay, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue."
  • (Michael Richards) "Oh, Joel Miller, you've just found the marble in the oatmeal. You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy. 'Cause you know why? You get to drink from -- the FIRE HOOOOOSE."
  • (Michael Richards) "Who is it?"
  • (Head Thug) "I got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski."
  • (Michael Richards) "Pizza? For me? Ohhhh-ho-ho, boy."
  • (Michael Richards) "I like peppers. I looooove anchovies. 'Cause they're real fishy. Sometimes, I like to get a pizza with nothin' on it but anchovies, no peppers, no olives, no onions -- 'cause they're good."
  • (Killer Thug) "So, uh -- do we kill him?"
  • (Head Thug) "No, no, the boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while. Easy, easy."
  • (Michael Richards) "Hey, wait a minute. You guys aren't from the pizza place."
  • (Michael Richards) "Hi, George. Well, uh, I'm finished with the TV show. Uh, what do you want me to do now?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?"
  • (Michael Richards) "Yeah. Oh, boy, it was fun."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Great. How would you like to do it every day?"
  • (Michael Richards) "Yeah. That would be neat -- Oh, wait a minute; do I still get to be the janitor?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Sure."
  • (Michael Richards) "It's a DEAL."
  • (Michael Richards) "George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know -- hoooohhhhh -- and all of a sudden you started screaming -- aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh -- Do you think your brain would blow up?"
  • (David Bowe) "Guys, I'm trying to work -- Do you mind?"
  • (Michael Richards) "I don't mind. Go right ahead -- Do you mind, George?"

"Weird Al" Yankovic as George Newman

  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Well -- I've got good news and bad news."
  • (David Bowe) "Okay, give me the bad news first."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Well -- given our current financial status, compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices -- I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week."
  • (David Bowe) "Well, what's the good news?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "I lied. There is no good news."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Hey, Bobbo. Wanna play a game? Look up -- Look down -- Now look at Mr. Frying Pan."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down and go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know, you're hungry. Have I got just the thing for you. Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Right, Bobbo? That's right. And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO. Just look at how Bobbo here likes 'em. Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD. And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's --"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Oooops. Heh, Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "That's right. Yappy's Dog Treats. Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste --"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "With just a hint of cheese."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "How's this for our new Friday night line-up? Eight o'clock, "Druids On Parade", then "The Volcano Worshipper's Hour", followed by "Underwater Bingo for Teams", and -- "Fun with Dirt"."
  • (David Bowe) "Why not?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "You know what? Nobody in this small town appreciates a guy with a good imagination."
  • (David Bowe) "Well, maybe not the people at the lumber yard, or the miniature golf course, or Floyd's Fish Market, or any of the other places you worked in the last -- month."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "I need a drink."
  • (David Bowe) "You don't drink."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Yeah, but I've been meaning to start."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Aaaaaaaaaaggghh."
  • (Killer Thug) "Who the hell is this guy?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Oim your worst nightmare."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "You know, Bobbo, I think you're developing a bad attitude here. You see, Bob, you gotta look at the big picture. You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday."
  • (Little Weasel) "I wanna go home."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Shut up, you little weasel."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Okay. Right now, I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED. Hope you'll ENJOY it."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Hey, Philo, you really worked beyond the ecology on this one, thanks."
  • (Anthony Geary) "I'm glad to have been of service, George. Well, it appears that my work on this planet is complete. I must now return to my homeworld -- on the planet Zarquon."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Okay, well. Have fun."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Hey, Uncle Harvey."
  • (Stanley Brock) "Hey, kid, way to go. I always knew you had it in you. You're okay."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Well, I think the fries are just about done."
  • (David Bowe) "Aw geez, George. You'd better not let Big Edna see that or she'll have a fit."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Big Edna. Big Edna. You sound like a broken record. Big Edna this, Big Edna that. Why are you so afraid of that pathetic tub of lard?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "What do you got there, Bob?"
  • (David Bowe) "It's the ratings."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Don't tell me we actually made the list."
  • (David Bowe) "We're number one."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Say what?"
  • (David Bowe) "We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof. Do you known what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, we are the number one station in town."
  • (Unnamed) "There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First, slam to your way to health as you "Stay Fit" with Mike and Spike. Next, everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites you to go "Bowling for Burgers". Sunday, be a part of the excitement as we premiere our new dazzling game show, "Strip Solitaire". And then, join us for hilarious fun on the all new "Practical Jokes and Bloopers". And you won't want to miss "Celebrity Mud Wrestling" with special guest: McCall Contraband. It's a whole new weekend on U-62, the reason television was invented."
  • (Michael Richards) "Be there."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Teri. I'm sorry. Come on give me one more chance please. Come on Teri. Teri. Oh Oh I'm in hell. I'm in hell. Teri, Teri pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Oh, Oh Teri. PLEASE."

Trinidad Silva as Raul Hernandez

  • (Trinidad Silva) "Hey, man. This is Raul Hernandez and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom" coming to you live from My Apartment. How 'bout that, huh? Okay. The first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend, Tommy. Tommy, say hello to the nice people. 'Hello.' Ha. Isn't he great? Okay, so -- the turtle is a member of the Reptile family and he's got this hard, protective shell, which keeps predators away -- also provides him with his own home when he sleeps. Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow. Not too many people know this, but the turtle is also Nature's suction cup. Watch this."
  • (Trinidad Silva) "Did you see that? It sticks. Ha. Okay, yeah -- what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out. This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah -- they hate it when you do this --"
  • (Trinidad Silva) "Oh look. They're really mad, now."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Where did you find this guy?"
  • (David Bowe) "Me? I thought you hired him."
  • (Trinidad Silva) "For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly."
  • (Trinidad Silva) "Come here -- come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay -- Here we go. Get ready. And -- FLY."
  • (Trinidad Silva) "Oh, man -- You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi."
  • (Trinidad Silva) "Ah, man."

Kevin McCarthy as R.J. Fletcher

  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Now wait just one minute. What do you think you're doing?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "WE DID IT, THE STATION IS OURS."
  • (Stanley Brock) "Wow, look at that."
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "YOU CAN'T DO THIS. We had an agreement, remember? An oral contract. I'll sue them."
  • (Stanley Brock) "Ah, blow it out your ears, scuzzbag."
  • (FCC Man) "Are you R.J. Fletcher?"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Who do you think I am?"
  • (FCC Man) "I'm John Vector of the FCC. I noticed that your station is late in filing for its license renewal this year. Now normally, this kind of violation is punishable by its stiff fine. But I've been watching you lately, you made a big impression on me. Yeah, I am revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air."
  • (Fran Drescher) "Pamela Finklestein here, coming to you with the most incredible turn of events. Not only has the once powerful corporate broadcasting giant been thoroughly crushed and defeated. But now as luck would have it, they've been completely stripped of their license by the FCC."
  • (Fran Drescher) "Well now, what do you have to say about that, you worthless slobbering pig?"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "This community means about as much to me as a festering bown of dog snot. You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first. I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them."
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "You are a worthless human being, Mr., um --"
  • (Michael Richards) "Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski."
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Might I call you Stanley?"
  • (Michael Richards) "Okay --"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Stanley -- YOU'RE FIRED."
  • (Michael Richards) "But I-I-I didn't --"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "GET OUT."
  • (Little Old Lady) "Excuse me -- aren't you R.J. Fletcher?"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "Yes."
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "This is indeed a sad day for Channel 8. We've been number one in this town for the past ten years. And now, our sponsors are pulling their accounts. We're losing valuable advertising revenue. We're losing credibility in the market. And why? Because of some fly-by-night UHF station. A UHF station. This is an embarrassment. A disgrace. What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?"
  • (Richard Fletcher) ""Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out.""
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "We've got to do something. We've got to do it fast. Who owns that station, anyway?"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "You idiot. Can't you do anything I tell you to do? Does this look like a number two pencil?"
  • (Richard Fletcher) "No -- but -- I just thought --"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "You thought? I don't pay you to think."
  • (Richard Fletcher) "But Dad --"
  • (Kevin McCarthy) "SHUT UP."

Anthony Geary as Philo

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Victoria Jackson as Teri Campbell

  • (Victoria Jackson) "George, when are you gonna start taking things a little more seriously? I mean, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "What are you doing?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "This means something. This is important."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "What do you say, Stranger?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "Whatever gave you that idea?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Well, I guess my first clue was when you told me you never wanted to see me again."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "George, did you get fired again?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Yes. Yes. It's all true. I just don't know what's wrong with me."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "So, what's for dinner?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Mashed potatoes? My favorite. Teri, you shouldn't have."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "Hey, George, you know those crazy dreams you're always having? You think maybe I could be in some of them from now on?"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Honey, from now on you're gonna be in all of 'em."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "Oh, George --"
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Honey, let's leave this place right now. Let's go this very minute."
  • (Victoria Jackson) "No, George. Let's wait until tomorrow."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "But -- why? WHY?"
  • (Victoria Jackson) "Because tomorrow -- is another day."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "I knew she was gonna say that."

Gedde Watanabe as Kuni

  • (Gedde Watanabe) "Hey, George."
  • ("Weird Al" Yankovic) "Hey, Kuni. Beginner's class today?"
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "Yeah, and they're so stupid."
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "STUUUUPIIIIIID."
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper --"
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "-- or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the aisle right now. What's it gonna be?"
  • (Phyllis Weaver) "I'll take the box. The box."
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "You took the box? Let's see what's in the box."
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. STUPID. You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID."
  • (Gedde Watanabe) "Supplies."

Sue Ane Langdon as Esther Bilchik

  • (Sue Ane Langdon) "What's this?"
  • (Stanley Brock) "Oh, it's the deed to channel 62. I won it with a pair of sevens. I was bluffing."
  • (Sue Ane Langdon) "Channel 62? Never heard of it."
  • (Stanley Brock) "I'm not surprised. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store."
  • (Sue Ane Langdon) "Oh George, would you come here a second?"

Emo Philips as Joe Earley

  • (Emo Philips) "Can you believe this? Would you look at that? Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers". I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red?"

Stanley Brock as Harvey Bilchik

  • (Stanley Brock) "YO. Hey, Big Louis. So, what's up?"
  • (Unnamed) "Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in."
  • (Stanley Brock) "Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?"
  • (Unnamed) "Seventy-five thousand dollars."

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