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Titus (TV series) Quotes

Titus is a TV program that first aired in 2000 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Titus ended in 2002.

Titus aired for 3 seasons and 54 episodes. Titus is created by Christopher Titus.

Titus is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Titus is approx. 22 minutes long. Titus is produced by Kenny & Hargrove and distributed by 20th Television.

Titus Quotes

  • (Christopher Titus) "All right. What the hell's with the lunchbox?"
  • (Dave) "Oh, um, yeah. I put your mom's ashes in it. See, it keeps your cool mom cool and your hot mom hot. And -- and there's also a snack pack pudding in here to surprise her."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dave, she's past pudding, hence the ability to fit her into a lunchbox."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Every woman that has ever loved my dad has tried killing him."
  • (Erin Fitzpatrick) "What's funny about that?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Laughter, absolute terror, fine line."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dave has his moments. In fact, if you let Dave hit on a typewriter for, like a thousand years, he would eventually type the word monkey. In fact, he would only type the word monkey. That's his favourite word."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Hallo, Amy, it's your day-my."
  • (Amy Fitzpatrick) "Couldn't you just have sent me a fruit basket?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Get out of the street."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Bag boys would be more courteous."
  • (Ken Titus) "It's canned goods first, then bread."
  • (Christopher Titus) "And people in general would just be a lot friendlier."
  • (Erin Fitzpatrick) "No cuts."
  • (Christopher Titus) "I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die."
  • (Ken Titus) "You don't drag a woman out of a strip club. You put a twenty in your zipper and back out slowly."
  • (Juanita Titus) "You ruined my life, you bastard."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'."
  • (Ken Titus) "Don't be a Wussy."
  • (Unnamed) "21."
  • (Ken Titus) "Will you look at that. First time a black man ever gave me money."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Ha, ha, ha. Dad, remember, island, far from airport, no way to escape."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it."
  • (Erin Fitzpatrick) "Hey you."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise". Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party."
  • (Christopher Titus) "I was there, man. How many more people gotta die?"
  • (Tommy Shafter) "I never got to sleep with Erin."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "I have thoughts."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Shoulda taken that one to the grave."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty; mmm mmm.""
  • (Dave) "Now that is J-ello with a capital "O"."
  • (Christopher Titus) "There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those -- And they are all my Mom."
  • (Christopher Titus) "The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick."
  • (Ken "Papa" Titus) "Tuck and roll, wussy."
  • (Christopher Titus) "For 15 years, I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at it. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it."
  • (Christopher Titus) "The normal make a living, the deranged make history."
  • (Ken Titus) "Wussy."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "I'm not gay."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dad, are you speaking or are your gonads?"
  • (Ken Titus) "Right now they have power of attorney."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that."
  • (Christopher Titus) "The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies."
  • (Christopher Titus) "In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds -- Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds. My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can."
  • (Ken Titus) "You wanna tell me why my car is parked at such an odd angle on the porch across the street?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "I was raised by Ken Titus. I can see BS through eight miles of led enforced concrete through a blizzard and -- hey, where are you going?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Marriage is sacred, my dad said marriage is sacred, AAAHHHH."
  • (Erin Fitzpatrick) "You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him."
  • (Ken Titus) "Cars are heavy."
  • (Erin Fitzpatrick) "Everybody knows that."
  • (Ken Titus) "So does he, thanks to me."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Tommy, what are you, Dave?"
  • (Dave Titus) "YEAH, ya dumbass."
  • (Amy Fitzpatrick) "Chew my boob, homo."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Whip it out."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "I nailed your sister."
  • (Christopher Titus) "That's great, but there's something you should remember: you also nailed his daughter."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dad thought you could get through anything if you just "quit being a wussy." You could get your arm ripped off; Dad would find the arm, get some packing tape and -- strap it back on."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dad. What are you doing here?"
  • (Ken Titus) "I'm just here to make sure that Tommy's new girlfriend doesn't have an Adam's apple."
  • (Unnamed) "Perry."
  • (Erin Fitzpatrick) "Mr. Shafter."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Dad."
  • (Ken Titus) "Homo."
  • (Christopher Titus) "My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now; babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour."
  • (Ken Titus) "You're late. This car's a piece of crap. Where did you get it anyways? It looks like an old man's car. I'll be inside. And park it around back."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dave, the cell phone is from both of us, OK?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "What does it say on the back of that jacket?"
  • (Tommy Shafter) "It says "Titus High Performance.""
  • (Christopher Titus) "Are you Titus? Are you Performance? Are you high ?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Without her it would still be legal in this state to kill a man with a cappuccino machine."
  • (Christopher Titus) "When we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a huge mistake."
  • (Ken Titus) "I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a lot. You'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are in for a nightmare."
  • (Ken Titus) "What'd you bring me, fruit?"
  • (Tommy Shafter) "No, too much sugar in fruit."
  • (Ken Titus) "No, I'm calling you a fruit."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Dave's been arrested? Oh great, did they find his marijuana plants?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "If you want to do something dangerous -- Don't tell your girlfriend."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer -- " Dad, you know, keeping up with the song."
  • (Christopher Titus) "What?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dave, when are you moving out?"
  • (Dave) "After the harvest."
  • (Christopher Titus) "You said that I was the worst possible result of an orgasm."
  • (Ken Titus) "You took that as an insult?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember."
  • (Christopher Titus) "C'mon, dad, it's one A.M. in the middle of the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien."
  • (Ken Titus) "Well, maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants."
  • (Christopher Titus) "It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point."
  • (Dave Titus) ""I'm getting married in five days." Lies, lies, lies."
  • (Christopher Titus) "My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance.' and 'You can't make a burger run.'"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Pfft, math. Who needs it? I spent my time in school memorizing things I could use. Like The California State Mental Health Code Requirement For The Declaration Of Commitment Of A Loved One, which is as follows: Causing harm to others."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Causing harm to self"
  • (10 - Year Old Titus) "Mom, Are you ready yet?"
  • (Juanita Titus) "I'll be ready in a minute, I'm just fixing my doo. Give this to your father"
  • (Juanita Titus) "."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Destruction of Property"
  • (Ken Titus) "We needed a new car anyway."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Cain slew Abel -- oh, happy, happy Cain"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dad can score new tail in three minutes."
  • (Juanita Titus) "I want a divorce."
  • (Ken Titus) "Hi."
  • (Dave Titus) "I decided what I'm going to do with my life. I joined the Army."
  • (Unnamed) "Okay, Dave, one question. WHY ?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy."
  • (Ken Titus) "I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning."
  • (Christopher Titus) "In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink."
  • (Ken Titus) "You're not leaving with my 8 track."
  • (Ken Titus) "Duck, boy."
  • (Ken Titus) "You're not leaving with my cassette deck."
  • (Ken Titus) "Duck, boy."
  • (Ken Titus) "You're not leaving with my CD player."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Yeah."
  • (Ken Titus) "What? Do I always have to say "Duck, boy"?"
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?"
  • (Grandma Titus) "Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?"
  • (Tommy Shafter) "I'm not gay."
  • (Grandma Titus) "Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew."
  • (Ken Titus) "Oh, great. How much is this going to cost me?"
  • (Christopher Titus (age 5)) "I want my mommy back."
  • (Ken Titus) "$40?"
  • (Christopher Titus (age 5)) "OK."
  • (Christopher Titus) "If you ask my dad for help -- he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "War-Cry."
  • (Ken) "You knew and you let them shave me?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "I knew and I got them to shave you."
  • (Dave) "You got me a joint as a going away present?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Smoke it on the bus, Dave."
  • (Christopher Titus (age 5)) "Dad, what's gay?"
  • (Ken Titus) "Son -- gay -- is when, two men -- make God cry."
  • (Dave) "His helmet fell off."
  • (Christopher Titus) "He wasn't wearing one."
  • (Christopher Titus) "My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect."
  • (Ken) "You are a Son of a Bitch."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it. I hate bullies."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "You're about to beat up a kid with a bat."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Yeah, what's your point?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"."
  • (Ken Titus) "Are you not getting this? Geez. I thought Asi-Entals were supposed to be smart."
  • (Nancy) "We are, I just love the way he thinks round eye."
  • (Ken Titus) "Round eye --"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them."
  • (Tommy Shafter) "Oh, good, your mom checks her answering machine."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Yes, and she also checks under her bed for dust bunnies because they talk to her."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Erin is a caretaker. She takes care of everything. Stray dogs, stray cats, stray fishes. I don't know were she gets them."
  • (Christopher Titus (age 5)) "Look Dad, I'm gonna be an astronaut."
  • (Ken Titus) "Oh yeah? Good. 'Cause my beer is weightless. Why don't you launch over to planet refrigerator and get me another one."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony."
  • (Ken Titus) "I pull it off, or I spend my life in Detroit in prison. Which is redundant."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory."
  • (Ken) "I don't go straight for the ten. I go for the six and drink 'til she's an eight."
  • (Christopher Titus) "It turns out that near-death experiences make Erin -- hot."
  • (Christopher Titus) "The truth HURTS."
  • (Christopher Titus) "DAVE."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat."
  • (Christopher Titus) "My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same."
  • (Christopher Titus) "After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the freaks."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my; my love and my forgiveness."
  • (Ken Titus) "Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use."
  • (Christopher Titus) "Erin is in there. And between the two of us we have only two personalities. Oh, except when I get to be the lucky burglar."
  • (Ken) "Jesus was laughing when I went into the light."
  • (Christopher Titus) "He was laughing because YOU were trying to get into Heaven."
  • (Christopher Titus) "I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week -- it's funny -- you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke."
  • (Ken Titus) "Did you remember to block the wheels?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "I know how to change a tire, Dad. Ur."
  • (Christopher Titus) "What did we learn?"
  • (Christopher Titus) "Cars are heavy."
  • (Ken Titus) "Ur."

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