The Santa Clause Quotes

The Santa Clause is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . The Santa Clause ended its run in 1970.

It features Robert Newmyer as producer, Michael Convertino in charge of musical score, and Walt Lloyd as head of cinematography.

The Santa Clause is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Santa Clause is 97 minutes long. The Santa Clause is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Tim Allen as Scott Calvin, Judge Reinhold as Dr. Neil Miller, Eric Lloyd as Charlie, Judge Reinhold as Neil, David Krumholtz as Bernard, Wendy Crewson as Laura, Tim Allen as Scott, and Peter Boyle as Mr. Whittle.

The Santa Clause Quotes

Tim Allen as Scott Calvin

• (Tim Allen) "Hey, I know where this is going. The other guy fell, it was an accident. I've got homeowners insurance, and a good attorney, not as good as my wife's; but let's not open up that wound."

• (Tim Allen) "What if I fall off the roof?"

• (Tim Allen) "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. And when I wake up, I'm gettin' a CAT scan."

• (Tim Allen) "Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?"

• (Tim Allen) "Hey, hey, HEY, wait. There is no chimney here, okay? No chimney."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Lookin' good, Dad."
• (Tim Allen) "You have got to be kidding me."

• (Tim Allen) "Whoa. This could be a really long night."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Do it again Dad, please?"
• (Tim Allen) "I can't, the thing's empty."
• (Tim Allen) "There's nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace."
• (Tim Allen) "Are you growling at me?"
• (Tim Allen) "Look, Comet, like I said there is nothing left --"

• (Tim Allen) "I'm in big trouble. Mm-hmm."

• (Tim Allen) "Hey, kid, kid -- who's in charge here?"
• (Larry the Elf) "You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you -- I'm an elf."

• (Tim Allen) "Well, isn't that a pretty picture, Santa rolling down the block in a PANZER. Well kids, I -- I certainly hope you have been good this year, cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming."

• (Tim Allen) "Hey, Charlie, you know how to call 911?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Sure, 9-1-1."

• (Det. Nunzio) "Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say, name, you say, Scott Calvin."
• (Det. Nunzio) "Name?"
• (Tim Allen) "Kriss Kringle."
• (Det. Nunzio) "Name?"
• (Tim Allen) "Sinterklaas."
• (Det. Nunzio) "Name."
• (Tim Allen) "Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelz-Nickel."
• (Tim Allen) "Topo Gigio."
• (Det. Nunzio) "Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind."

• (Tim Allen) "Johnny, naughty. Gary, nice."
• (Tim Allen) "Veronica, very nice."
• (Veronica) "In your dreams, sleigh boy."

• (Tim Allen) "I ran real late today. You wouldn't BELIEVE the traffic out here."
• (Tim Allen) "Hey, same to you. And that's not very ladylike."
• (Tim Allen) "Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late."

• (Sarah the Little Girl) "You're s'posed to drink the milk."
• (Tim Allen) "Look, I am lactose intolerant. And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney."
• (Tim Allen) "You're s'posed to drink the milk."
• (Tim Allen) "Shut your eyes."

• (Tim Allen) "Here we are. Denny's. Always open."
• (Eric Lloyd) "I don't wanna eat here."
• (Tim Allen) "What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution."

• (Tim Allen) "Where is he?"
• (Wendy Crewson) "Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes."
• (Tim Allen) "I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?"

• (Tim Allen) "This thing, you never know where it's been. A thousand malls. Well I hope you're happy, Comet. I hope you're happy, but most importantly, I hope the guy that lives here IS A TAILOR."

• (Tim Allen) "Fella, if you can hear me, I'm just looking for your identification. As soon as I find out who you are, I'll give you a lift back to the mall."

• (Tim Allen) "Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it."

• (Tim Allen) "Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease."

• (Tim Allen) "Did I miss anything?"
• (Unnamed) "No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch."
• (Tim Allen) "Great. I'm starving."
• (Susan Perry) "I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side."
• (Peter Boyle) "Ah, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?"
• (Tim Allen) "And I'll have a caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge."
• (Tim Allen) "On the side."
• (Waiter) "Anything to drink?"
• (Tim Allen) "Ice cold milk."
• (Susan Perry) "Stung by a bee, Scott?"
• (Tim Allen) "A big bee."

• (Tim Allen) "You know, you look pretty good for your age."
• (Little Elf Judy) "Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping."

• (Tim Allen) "The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the circus pulls out of town."

• (Tim Allen) "Are you going to your mom's for dinner?"
• (Wendy Crewson) "Actually, we're going with Neil's family."
• (Tim Allen) "Ah, Christmas at the pound."

• (Tim Allen) "Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey."
• (Dr. Pete Novos) "Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it; and you should diet."

• (Tim Allen) "It was a dream. Stuff like that doesn't happen. It was a dream. Come on. I don't even wear pajamas. Normally I sleep naked. BUCK naked. Ha."
• (Tim Allen) "Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine."
• (Unnamed) "Eyes front, Mary Katherine."
• (Tim Allen) "Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know."

• (Dr. Pete Novos) "I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse."
• (Tim Allen) "Yeah. Clydesdale."
• (Dr. Pete Novos) "So what? You put on a little weight."
• (Tim Allen) "Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?"
• (Dr. Pete Novos) "Weight can fluctuate from year to year."
• (Tim Allen) "Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?"
• (Dr. Pete Novos) "Well, what's your diet like?"
• (Tim Allen) "Milk and cookies."
• (Dr. Pete Novos) "Really?"
• (Tim Allen) "But I don't finish all the milk."
• (Dr. Pete Novos) "Well then, there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?"

• (Tim Allen) "Reindeer up on the roof -- Santa suit laying on the ground -- Guy fell -- not my fault -- Reindeer on the roof -- THAT is hard to explain --"
• (Eric Lloyd) "It's the ladder."
• (Tim Allen) "Where the hell this come from?"

• (Sarah the Little Girl) "Santa?"
• (Tim Allen) "Scott Calvin."
• (Sarah the Little Girl) "How come your clothes are so baggy?"
• (Tim Allen) "Because Santa is -- watching his saturated fats."
• (Sarah the Little Girl) "How come you don't have a beard?"
• (Tim Allen) "Because I shaved."
• (Tim Allen) "You want this doll or not? Go back to sleep."

• (Tim Allen) "Not necessarily. It could be rude, sarcastic, whatever it takes."

Eric Lloyd as Charlie

• (Eric Lloyd) "These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?"
• (Tim Allen) "I hope not. These are -- A gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas."

• (Eric Lloyd) "Neil doesn't believe in Santa."
• (Tim Allen) "Well, Neil's head comes to a point."

• (Eric Lloyd) "What do you mean you don't know? Of course you are, Dad. How can you say that? Think about those kids."
• (Tim Allen) "The only kid I'm thinking about is you."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Dad, I'm fine. You can't let them down. They all believe in you."
• (Judge Reinhold) "Charlie, listen --"
• (Eric Lloyd) "YOU listen. You think you know what he is? You DON'T."
• (Wendy Crewson) "Charlie; honey, listen. You're confused."
• (Eric Lloyd) "I know exactly who he is."
• (Judge Reinhold) "Charlie -- He is NOT Santa."
• (Eric Lloyd) "HE IS TOO SANTA. We went to the North Pole together. I saw it. The elves are real old even though they look like me. Bernard called me sport, 'cause he knew everything."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Right, Dad?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "REMEMBER."

• (Eric Lloyd) "How do reindeer fly? They don't have any wings."
• (Tim Allen) "Fairy dust."
• (Eric Lloyd) "That's from "Peter Pan", Dad."
• (Tim Allen) "Horns."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Antlers."
• (Tim Allen) "Whatever. Their, uh, antlers given them; you know, there's a slipstream effect; the air go; they move fa; they're weightless."
• (Eric Lloyd) "But if Santa's so fat, how does he get down the chimneys?"
• (Tim Allen) "He sucks it in like Grandpa."
• (Eric Lloyd) "What about people who don't have fireplaces? How does he get into their house?"
• (Tim Allen) "Charlie, sometimes believing in something means you -- means you just believe in it. Santa uses reindeer to fly because that's how he has to get around."
• (Eric Lloyd) "But you do believe in Santa, right, Dad?"
• (Tim Allen) "Of course I believe in Santa. Now please go to sleep."

• (Eric Lloyd) "Get the bag of toys."
• (Tim Allen) "And do what?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Go down the chimney."
• (Tim Allen) "Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?"

• (Eric Lloyd) "Dad?"
• (Tim Allen) "What is it, Charlie?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?"
• (Tim Allen) "Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven."
• (Eric Lloyd) "And don't forget the fire extinguisher."
• (Tim Allen) "Good night, Charlie."

• (Eric Lloyd) "You said you believe in Santa Claus, right, Dad?"
• (Tim Allen) "I did? I do."

• (Eric Lloyd) "I learn a lot from him. He listens to me."
• (Tim Allen) "Yeah, then he charges you for it."

• (Eric Lloyd) "It's Santa. You killed him."
• (Tim Allen) "Did not. And he's not Santa."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Well, he was --"

• (Eric Lloyd) "My dad is Santa Claus."

• (Eric Lloyd) "Neil's a really good cook."
• (Tim Allen) "Yeah, and you should see him walk on water."
• (Eric Lloyd) "You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?"
• (Tim Allen) "Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to - --"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Lash out irrationally?"
• (Tim Allen) "Now, where did you hear that?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me."
• (Tim Allen) "Yeah. And he charges you for it."

• (Eric Lloyd) "Look, Dad, he disappeared."
• (Tim Allen) "He's naked somewhere."

• (Eric Lloyd) "What's that?"
• (Tim Allen) "What's what?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "A Rose Suchak ladder?"
• (Tim Allen) "It's not a ladder, I said "arose such a clatter ". It means, eh, "came a big noise"."
• (Eric Lloyd) "What?"
• (Tim Allen) "Charlie, "arose" is a word that means "it came", and a clatter is a big noise."
• (Tim Allen) "Now please go to sleep, shut your eyes."

• (Eric Lloyd) "Whoa, how did you do that? How did that feel, Dad?"
• (Tim Allen) "It felt like "America's Most Wanted"."

Wendy Crewson as Laura

• (Wendy Crewson) "Here's Neil's mother's number."
• (Tim Allen) "1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number."

David Krumholtz as Bernard

• (David Krumholtz) "What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?"
• (David Krumholtz) "Hey, how are you doing?"
• (Tim Allen) "Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie."
• (David Krumholtz) "What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Yeah."
• (David Krumholtz) "Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Really?"
• (David Krumholtz) "Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?"

• (David Krumholtz) "Excuse me. Are we on a coffee break?"
• (Kid Elf) "We don't drink coffee."
• (David Krumholtz) "THEN I GUESS THE BREAK IS OVER. Back to work. Thanks."

• (David Krumholtz) "Nice sweater. Hey, did we make this?"

• (David Krumholtz) "Geez this bird is dry. Haven't you people ever heard about basting?"

• (David Krumholtz) "I'll ship the list to your house."
• (Tim Allen) "What list?"
• (David Krumholtz) "You know, the list."
• (David Krumholtz) "He's making a list --"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Checkin' it twice."
• (Unnamed) "Gonna find out who's naughty or nice."

Judge Reinhold as Dr. Neil Miller

• (Judge Reinhold) "What about Santa's reindeer? Have you ever seen a reindeer fly?"
• (Eric Lloyd) "Yes."
• (Judge Reinhold) "Well, I haven't."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Have you ever seen a million dollars?"
• (Judge Reinhold) "No."
• (Eric Lloyd) "Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

• (Judge Reinhold) "Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?"
• (Tim Allen) "We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women --"
• (Tim Allen) "I read him a book."
• (Judge Reinhold) "What book?"
• (Tim Allen) "Uh, "Hollywood Wives.""
• (Tim Allen) ""The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on."

Peter Boyle as Mr. Whittle

• (Peter Boyle) "You should see a doctor, a shrink, a dietician, anything."

• (Peter Boyle) "I don't know what's happening to you. You're starting to look like the Pillsbury Doughboy."

• (Peter Boyle) "Good God, your weight. What happened?"
• (Tim Allen) "Bee sting. Evidently I'm allergic. It almost killed me. But, the guy at the emergency room said that eventually the swelling will go down. I hope."

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