The Producers (2005 film) Quotes

The Producers (2005 film) is a television program that first aired in 1970 . The Producers ended its run in 1970.

It features Mel Brooks, and Basil Poledouris in charge of musical score, and John Bailey (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

The Producers (2005 film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Producers (2005 film) is 134 minutes long. The Producers (2005 film) is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: Matthew Broderick as Leo Bloom, Nathan Lane as Max Bialystock, Uma Thurman as Ulla, Will Ferrell as Franz Liebkind, Gary Beach as Roger De Bris, Roger Bart as Carmen Ghia, Jon Lovitz as Mr. Marks, Eileen Essell as Hold-Me Touch-Me, David Huddleston as Judge, Eileen Essell as Hold Me-Touch Me, Jason Antoon as Jason Green, and Richard Kind as Jury Foreman.

The Producers (2005 film) Quotes

Will Ferrell as Franz Liebkind

• (Will Ferrell) "Ze penalty for braking ze Siegfried Oath is DESS."
• (Nathan Lane) "Dess? Is that anything like death?"
• (Will Ferrell) "YETH."

• (Will Ferrell) "Don't forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. Avaliable near you -- at Borders Books -- or Barnes and Noble -- und Amazon.com"

• (Will Ferrell) "The Fuhrer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy. The Fuhrer was BUTCH."

• (Will Ferrell) "Broadway. I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland."

• (Will Ferrell) "Guten Tag clap clap / Guten Tag slap slap."

• (Will Ferrell) "First, you must roll up your pants."
• (Nathan Lane) "Okay."
• (Will Ferrell) "Rolling?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Rolling."
• (Will Ferrell) "Rolling?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Rolling."
• (Will Ferrell) "Come on, don't be stingy. Show some LEG."

• (Will Ferrell) "Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way."

• (Will Ferrell) "All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me."
• (Will Ferrell) "I solemnly svear --"
• (Nathan Lane) "I solemnly svear --"
• (Will Ferrell) "To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas --"
• (Nathan Lane) "To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas --"
• (Will Ferrell) "Und."
• (Nathan Lane) "Und."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Und."
• (Will Ferrell) "Never, Never, Never."
• (Nathan Lane) "Never, Never, Never"
• (Will Ferrell) "Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler"
• (Nathan Lane) "Dishonor the spirit und ze -- Elizabeth?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens."
• (Nathan Lane) "Is that right?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler."

• (Will Ferrell) "That is not how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band. This is how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band."

• (Officer O'Rourke) "What happened?"
• (Will Ferrell) "I broke -- the other leg."

• (Will Ferrell) "You sniveling cowards. Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies. Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man."
• (Will Ferrell) "Yada. Mmm yada. Boy, when things go wrong."

• (Will Ferrell) "Stand still. How can I shoot you if you keep moving."

• (Will Ferrell) "I must tell my birds."

• (Will Ferrell) "You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer."
• (Nathan Lane) "Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "No, we sure didn't."
• (Will Ferrell) "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC. Filthy British lies. But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL."
• (Will Ferrell) "With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings. ROTTEN. Hitler, there was a painter. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon. Two coats."

• (Will Ferrell) "You made a fool of Hitler."
• (Gary Beach) "He didn't need our help."

• (Will Ferrell) "Don"t forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. At Borders Books or Barnes and Knoble, or Amazon.com"

• (Will Ferrell) "I was never a member of the Nazi Party. I only followed orders. I had nothing to do with the war. I didn't even know there was a war on. We lived in the back, right across from Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling -- yoodle le he hoo"

• (Will Ferrell) "Nein."
• (Nathan Lane) "Nein?"
• (Will Ferrell) "No."
• (Nathan Lane) "That's what nein means."

Nathan Lane as Max Bialystock

• (Nathan Lane) "You okay?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped."
• (Nathan Lane) "Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you." Hahahaha-"
• (Nathan Lane) "This man should be in a straitjacket."
• (Nathan Lane) "What?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Don't argue with me, you piece of-."
• (Nathan Lane) "Feeling better?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Yes."
• (Nathan Lane) "Good. That makes three of us."

• (Nathan Lane) "Did you bring the checkie?"
• (Eileen Essell) "Yes, but first, lets play one, dirty little game."
• (Nathan Lane) "Here in broad daylight. All right what do you want to play?"
• (Eileen Essell) "Lets play the hairless chihuahua and the well hung Great Dane."

• (Nathan Lane) "Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it. It's the mother lode --"

• (Nathan Lane) "Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?""
• (Gary Beach) "Read it? I devoured it. And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE. I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany."
• (Nathan Lane) "Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?"
• (Gary Beach) "Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please -- World War II? Oooh -- too dark, too depressing."
• (Gary Beach) "The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more --"
• (Gary Beach) "What's the word?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Gay?"
• (Gary Beach) "Exactly."

• (Nathan Lane) "Just a hunch -- but I'm guessing that's our man."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Oh, Max. He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen."
• (Nathan Lane) "I know, I know. Just don't notice. Don't notice anything."

• (Nathan Lane) "There, there."
• (Will Ferrell) "Where? Where?"

• (Nathan Lane) "Hey -- kid. Hey. Yoo-hoo? Look at this --"
• (Nathan Lane) "How can I help you?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "AAAHH."
• (Nathan Lane) "What's wrong?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "You're gonna jump on me."
• (Nathan Lane) "What?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "You're gonne jump on me."
• (Nathan Lane) "No."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I know you're gonna jump on me --"
• (Nathan Lane) "No. Calm down --"
• (Matthew Broderick) "-- And squash me like a bug."
• (Nathan Lane) "Oh God."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Please don't jump on me."
• (Nathan Lane) "I'm not gonna jump on you. I'm not gonna jump on you."
• (Matthew Broderick) "AAAAAHHH."

• (Nathan Lane) "Don't you see Bloom? You're like -- you're like a fountain."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm a fountain?"
• (Nathan Lane) "YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN."

• (Nathan Lane) "That's it, baby. When you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it."

• (Nathan Lane) "Settle down, you teutonic TWIT."

• (Nathan Lane) "Come on, let's get out of here before they kill us."

• (Nathan Lane) "Dear Lord -- I want that money."

• (Nathan Lane) "There's more to you than there is to you."

• (Nathan Lane) "What are you in for, lack of rhythm?"

• (Nathan Lane) "What's your first name?"
• (Uma Thurman) "That was my first name. You wanna hear my last name?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Sorry. We don't have time."

• (Nathan Lane) "Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin' -- Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillybilly -- I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything -- even my past."

• (Nathan Lane) "It's sort of a Nazi Hoedown."

• (Nathan Lane) "Always moving your lips along with the actors."
• (Gary Beach) "Always moving your lips along with the actors."

• (Nathan Lane) "THAT'S OUR HITLER."

• (Nathan Lane) "Whatta ya say, Bloom?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer. / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir. / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir --"
• (Matthew Broderick) "I can't do it."

• (Nathan Lane) "Shut up. I'm having a rhetorical conversation."

• (Nathan Lane) "We got the wrong play. We got the wrong director. We got the wrong actors. Where did we go right?"

• (Nathan Lane) "We can do it. We can do it."
• (Nathan Lane) "Every show I touch I doom."
• (Nathan Lane) "We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom."

• (Nathan Lane) "So, you're an accountant?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Yes, sir, I am, sir."
• (Nathan Lane) "Then account for yourself."

• (Nathan Lane) "Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "No."

• (Nathan Lane) "We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?"

• (Nathan Lane) "Wait, here's one: "One morning Gregor Samsa awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." --"
• (Nathan Lane) "Nah, too good."

• (Nathan Lane) "I'm drowning here. I'm going down for the last time. I -- I -- I see my whole life flashing before my eyes. I see a weathered old farmhouse -- With a white picket fence -- I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother -- I see Mama, standing on the back porch -- And I hear her calling out to me -- "Alvin, don't forget your chores. The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'. Alviiiiin. Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin." -- Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me -- Even my past."

• (Nathan Lane) "And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher. As we say in the old country --"
• (Nathan Lane) "Taxi."

• (Nathan Lane) "Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me --"
• (Nathan Lane) "Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me -- Kiss me feel me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu -- ah. Hold me touch me."

• (Nathan Lane) "The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show."
• (Matthew Broderick) "And two?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Never put your own money in the show."

Matthew Broderick as Leo Bloom

• (Matthew Broderick) "Max, I think we're getting in too deep."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Max, I think we're getting in too deep."
• (Nathan Lane) "Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Max -- He's wearing a dress."
• (Nathan Lane) "No kidding."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Mr. Bialystock -- I'M BACK."
• (Nathan Lane) "You are good."

• (Matthew Broderick) "So what time can you get here?"
• (Uma Thurman) "Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?"
• (Nathan Lane) "-- Eleven."
• (Uma Thurman) "Good. Ulla will come at eleven."
• (Nathan Lane) "Ulla will come at eleven --"
• (Uma Thurman) "God dag min vannina."
• (Nathan Lane) "God dag min vannina -- ninna --"
• (Uma Thurman) "God bless America."
• (Nathan Lane) "God bless Sweden."

• (Matthew Broderick) "FAT. FAT."
• (Nathan Lane) "I'm not that fat."
• (Matthew Broderick) "FAT. Fat. Fatty. Fatso. You fat fat fatty fat walrus. Gimme the FAT BOOKS."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me -- like hot lava rising higher and higher and; What is that, Max? What is it?"
• (Nathan Lane) "It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I want everything I've ever seen in the movies."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, police man and very friendly Cherokee Indian"

• (Matthew Broderick) "Elizabeth?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens."
• (Nathan Lane) "Is that right?"

• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm not going to the toilet, I'm going to showbiz."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Ooh, Ohh how I hate you."
• (Nathan Lane) "Double, DOUBLE."

• (Matthew Broderick) "FAT."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I wanna be a producer -- 'Cause it's everything I'm not"
• (Unnamed) "Unhappy -- unhappy -- So unhappy"
• (Unnamed) "Very very very very very very very --"
• (Unnamed) "Sad."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I wanna be a producer --"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Hold everything. What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right. There is a lot more to me than there is to me. Stop the world, I wanna get on."
• (Jon Lovitz) "Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm not going in the toilet -- I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS. Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit. And you're right about one thing -- You are a CPA; a Certified Public ASSHOLE. Here's my visor -- my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil -- and my big finish."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come."
• (Unnamed) "Broadway, here he comes."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm wet. I'm hysterical and I'm wet."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm in pain. I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Actors are not animals. They're human beings."
• (Nathan Lane) "They are? Have you ever eaten with one?"

• (Matthew Broderick) "Let's assume for a moment, that you are a dishonest man."
• (Nathan Lane) "Assume away."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Max -- we never should've started this. I think we're getting in too deep."
• (Nathan Lane) "Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep."

Roger Bart as Carmen Ghia

• (Roger Bart) "A Happy Ending will pep up your play --"
• (Gary Beach) "Oedipus won't bomb --"
• (Roger Bart) "If he winds up with Mom. / Keep it gay --"
• (Gary Beach) "Keep it gay --"
• (Roger Bart) "Keep it gay."

• (Roger Bart) "May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Oh, these?"
• (Nathan Lane) "We just came from this big rally. Everyone was wearing one."

• (Roger Bart) "Roger, We're not alone --"

• (Roger Bart) "Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?"
• (Roger Bart) "Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky. Don't ever call here again."
• (Gary Beach) "Who was that?"
• (Roger Bart) "Wrong number."

• (Roger Bart) "He's having a stroke."
• (Nathan Lane) "What?"
• (Roger Bart) "Of Genius."

Uma Thurman as Ulla

• (Uma Thurman) "Leo, what happened? I know; you hung up your coat while you were still in it."

• (Uma Thurman) "Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string."

• (Uma Thurman) "Remember ven Ulla Dance?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Ja."
• (Uma Thurman) "Ulla dance again."
• (Nathan Lane) "ULLA DANCE AGAIN."

• (Uma Thurman) "Would you like Ulla make audition?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "That won't be nece --"
• (Nathan Lane) "Yes, it is nece. Extremely nece."

• (Uma Thurman) "My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson."
• (Nathan Lane) "What is your first name?"
• (Uma Thurman) "Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?"
• (Nathan Lane) "We don't have the time."

• (Uma Thurman) "Secretary-slash-receptionist? Okie-slash-dokie."

• (Uma Thurman) "Why Bloom go so far camera right?"

• (Uma Thurman) "Mr. Bloom. Leo."
• (Uma Thurman) "Your tie is all askew."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Askew?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Roll'em in the aisles."
• (Uma Thurman) "Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them."

Gary Beach as Roger De Bris

• (Gary Beach) "Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat."

• (Gary Beach) "Roger Elizabeth DeBris."

• (Gary Beach) "Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha. Forgive the pun."
• (Matthew Broderick) "What pun?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Shut up. He thinks he's witty."

• (Gary Beach) "This crazy Kraut is crackers. He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us."
• (Roger Bart) "Oh, Roger, what alliteration."
• (Gary Beach) "Thank you, darling."

• (Gary Beach) "I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume."
• (Roger Bart) "We always win."
• (Gary Beach) "I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building."

• (Gary Beach) "I shall have to think about it; I'll do it."

• (Gary Beach) "Quick darling, back in the closet."

• (Donald Dinsmore) "I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. ""
• (Gary Beach) "NEXT."

• (Gary Beach) "Break a leg."
• (Nathan Lane) "Franz, what happened?"
• (Will Ferrell) "I broke my leg."

• (Gary Beach) "Oh and Max darling we LOVED Funny Boy, didn't we Carmen?"
• (Roger Bart) "Oh WORSHIPPED it. Uh -- To be or not to be --"
• (Gary Beach) "You mean a lot to me."
• (Gary Beach) "Show stoppah."
• (Roger Bart) "FABULOUS."
• (Nathan Lane) "-- Right."

• (Gary Beach) "You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day."

• (Gary Beach) "And now finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz."

• (Gary Beach) "Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume."
• (Roger Bart) "We always win."
• (Gary Beach) "I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building."
• (Roger Bart) "Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed."
• (Gary Beach) "Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?"
• (Roger Bart) "If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart -- bulls-eye."

Eileen Essell as Hold Me-Touch Me

• (Eileen Essell) "You know what I'd really like?"
• (Nathan Lane) "She'll have the foot long"

• (Eileen Essell) "Hold me. Touch me."
• (Nathan Lane) "-- I'm a little busy."

• (Eileen Essell) "Hold me. Touch me."
• (Nathan Lane) "I'm a little busy."

• (Eileen Essell) "I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy."
• (Nathan Lane) "Oh, I don't think I have the strength."
• (Eileen Essell) "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."
• (Eileen Essell) "Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?"
• (Nathan Lane) "Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY."

Richard Kind as Jury Foreman

• (Richard Kind) "We find the defendant incredibly guilty."

Jon Lovitz as Mr. Marks

• (Jon Lovitz) "Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?"

• (Jon Lovitz) "WHAT? You've never seen someone humiliated before?"

David Huddleston as Judge

• (David Huddleston) "And who might you be, my dear?"
• (Uma Thurman) "Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson -- Bloom."
• (David Huddleston) "You're HIS wife?"
• (Uma Thurman) "He wouldn't do it unless we got married."
• (David Huddleston) "What a schmuck."

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