The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Quotes

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! stopped airing in 1970.

It features Robert K. Weiss as producer, Ira Newborn in charge of musical score, and Robert M. Stevens as head of cinematography.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! is 85 minutes long. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Nancy Marchand as Mayor, Leslie Nielsen as Frank, Priscilla Presley as Jane, George Kennedy as Ed, O. J. Simpson as Det. Nordberg, Ricardo Montalbán as Vincent Ludwig, O. J. Simpson as Mrs. Nordberg, Ricardo Montalbán as Ludwig, Nancy Marchand as Mayor Barkley, and Raye Birk as Papshmir.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Quotes

O. J. Simpson as Mrs. Nordberg

• (O. J. Simpson) "Oh, my poor Nordberg. He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?"
• (George Kennedy) "It's hard to tell."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover --"
• (George Kennedy) "Frank, get a hold of yourself."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum."
• (George Kennedy) "That's no way for a man to die."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening -- that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine -- having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go."
• (O. J. Simpson) "Oh -- Frank. Oh, this is terrible."
• (George Kennedy) "Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards."
• (George Kennedy) "What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense."

Leslie Nielsen as Frank

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Bingo."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "I've got nine more."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Oh, and one more thing -- I faked every orgasm."
• (Priscilla Presley) "Oh, Funny Face."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "I knew it."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Ludwig."
• (Unnamed) "Drebin."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Yeah, I'm Drebin."
• (Unnamed) "I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig."
• (Unnamed) "Take that, you lousy cop."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm sorry. I can't hear ya. Don't fire the gun while you're talking."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Interesting -- almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today."
• (Priscilla Presley) "I was young. I needed the work."

• (Muammar al-Qaddafi) "Hey, who are you?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm Lt. Frank Drebin. Police Squad. And don't ever let me catch you guys in America."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before -- birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the; FREE."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "I've finally found someone I can love; a good, clean love -- without utensils."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Nice beaver."
• (Priscilla Presley) "Thank you. I just had it stuffed."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?"

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."

• (Enrico Pallazzo) "Yes?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Mr. Pallazzo?"
• (Enrico Pallazzo) "Si?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm the head usher."
• (Enrico Pallazzo) "Ah."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm here to tell you -- Excuse me."
• (Enrico Pallazzo) "Uggh."
• (Stadium Head Usher) "Mr. Pallazzo?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Yes?"
• (Stadium Head Usher) "I'm the head usher."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "One second."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us."
• (George Kennedy) "A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital."
• (George Kennedy) "That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Hey. The missing evidence in the Kelner case. My God, he really was innocent."
• (George Kennedy) "He went to the chair two years ago, Frank."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Well, uh --"

• (Leslie Nielsen) "It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?"
• (O. J. Simpson) "I -- Love -- You."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I -- love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?"
• (O. J. Simpson) "Ship -- boat."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year."
• (O. J. Simpson) "No -- Drugs --"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Hey, Nurse. Quick. Give this man some drugs. Quick. Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly."
• (O. J. Simpson) "No -- no --"
• (O. J. Simpson) "Heroin -- Heroin, Frank."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Uh, Nordberg -- that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press."

• (Leslie Nielsen) "Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me -- is this an official bat?"

Priscilla Presley as Jane

• (Priscilla Presley) "I've heard police work is dangerous."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "It is. That's why I carry a big gun."
• (Priscilla Presley) "Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I used to have that problem."
• (Priscilla Presley) "What did you do about it?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "I just think about baseball."

• (Priscilla Presley) "I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Very hot, and awfully wet."

• (Priscilla Presley) "Would you like a nightcap?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "No, thank you, I don't wear them."

• (Priscilla Presley) "How could you do something so vicious?"
• (Ricardo Montalbán) "It was easy my dear. You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor."

• (Priscilla Presley) "I was only doing what I was told to do."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Like make love to me?"
• (Priscilla Presley) "FRANK."

• (Priscilla Presley) "How about a rain check?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Well, let's just stick to dinner."

• (Priscilla Presley) "I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "So am I --"

Ricardo Montalbán as Vincent Ludwig

• (Ricardo Montalbán) "Cuban?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales."

• (Ricardo Montalbán) "Drebin."
• (Priscilla Presley) "Frank."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "You're both right."

• (Ricardo Montalbán) "Tell me, Mr. Papshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin?"
• (Raye Birk) "Well, I would think ANYONE who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin."
• (Ricardo Montalbán) "Yes, but there is even a more ideal assassin; one who doesn't KNOW he's an assassin."

• (Ricardo Montalbán) "So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle."

Nancy Marchand as Mayor Barkley

• (Nancy Marchand) "Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson; sexual assault with a concrete dildo?"
• (Nancy Marchand) "What the hell were you doing there in the first place?"

• (Nancy Marchand) "Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy."
• (Leslie Nielsen) "Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy."
• (Nancy Marchand) "That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron. You killed 5 actors. Good ones."

George Kennedy as Ed

• (George Kennedy) "Frank, they're not here for you. "Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane."

• (George Kennedy) "You want to take a dinghy?"
• (Leslie Nielsen) "No, I took care of that at the press conference."

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