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The League of Gentlemen Quotes

The League of Gentlemen is a TV program that first aired in 1970 on BBC Two. The League of Gentlemen ended in 2017.

The League of Gentlemen lasted 22 (List of The League of Gentlemen episodes) episodes. The League of Gentlemen is created by Jeremy Dyson; Mark Gatiss; Steve Pemberton; Reece Shearsmith.

Each episode of The League of Gentlemen is 30-60 mins. long.

The League of Gentlemen Quotes

  • (Pauline) "Today we'll be doing a brain storming session."
  • (Pauline) "Don't worry Mickey, love. It doesn't hurt."
  • (Barbara Dixon) "As a woman I could have you under the sex discrimination act."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "As a woman, we could have you under the trade's description act."
  • (Val) "Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue ones from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don't be mistaken for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon."
  • (Benjamin) "Well, that's fine. I need to meet Martin --"
  • (Val Denton) "Then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair --"
  • (Harvey Denton) "-- you'll find the red for pubic hair."
  • (Chris Frost) "She said to me, being a store detective is like being the person who stands up at a wedding. No-one likes doing it, I didn't like doing it, not to my own brother. But nobody likes a cheat."
  • (Ross) "How's he going to get a job if you don't let him go for his interview?"
  • (Pauline) "How's he going to get an interview if he doesn't know his job options?"
  • (Ross) "But he's already got an interview."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Hello Dave."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm sorry?"
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Is that Dave?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, I'm sorry, I think you've got the wrong house."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Okay, is Dave there?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, there's no one called Dave here."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Okay."
  • (Harvey Denton) "A dirty brush is a useless brush."
  • (Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd) "Never mind who I am. It's a simple enough question. Do you want your breast pinched or not?"
  • (Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd) "Fine."
  • (Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd) ""Refuses to have breasts pinched." Now onto test two."
  • (Professor Erno Breast-Pinch'd) "Excuse me sir --"
  • (Samuel) "You see Hilary, I know it's wrong -- but it just tastes so good."
  • (Judee Levinson) "Be careful with that nightie, it costs more than you owe Kays catalogue."
  • (Pauline) "Watch your language."
  • (Mickey) "English."
  • (Pauline) "No WATCH."
  • (Reverend Bernice Woodall) ""You cowards. You whoremongers. Idolaters, liars. Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur where you will die the second death. The death that burns and tears for all eternity.""
  • (Edward) "You heard the man Tubbs"
  • (Edward) "get undressed."
  • (Phil) "When mum said I was autistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then again, I was never like any of the other boys. They were into football."
  • (Dave) "YAY."
  • (Phil) "Or girls."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Phwoar."
  • (Phil) "And I liked books and dolls."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Poof."
  • (Dave) "Mary."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Homo."
  • (Dave) "Nancy."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Linda --"
  • (Tubbs) "He asked me to open the till, he has a plan he covets the precious things of the shop."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Barbara? Are bummers deaf?"
  • (Barbara Dixon) "I've no idea."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "I don't know why I'm asking you, you're a woman."
  • (Barbara Dixon) "Not quite, Geoff. They've got to open me up first, along the base of the scrotum --"
  • (Herr Lip) "You're not like the other queer boys."
  • (Matthew) "Pardon?"
  • (Herr Lip) "Queer boys, the boys that sing in the queer."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Well, things finally started going my way ladies and gentlemen. In 84 both our mothers got badly sick, mine, thank God, she got better. But yours DIED didn't she Mike? Didn't she?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Yeah, I won that. At least I won the mums."
  • (Tubbs) "We could kill them all."
  • (Edward) "Ha ha. Oh, Tubbs. You're good hearted."
  • (Pauline) "Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "You're going to be an elephant, Dave."
  • (Phil) "What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Dykes on the other hand are evil."
  • (Dave) "Ollie."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking my pipe and wearing my slippers."
  • (Olly Plimsoles) "Don't touch me, you poof. Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue --"
  • (Reporter) "Mayor Vaughan thank you very much for your time."
  • (Mayor Larry Vaughan) "It's a f***ing pleasure."
  • (Les McQueen) "It's a s*** business. I'm glad I'm out of it."
  • (Reverend Bernice Woodall) "And he will give strength to legs that are weak and arms that tremble. The crippled will throw down their crutches and leap up and down in praise of his grace. Huh. Doesn't say they need five car parking spaces outside safeways now does it? They're always empty, I only nipped in for five minutes to get a bottle of taboo. I come out and the bugger's clamped. I said to the man, would it have made a difference if I had a stick and a limp? Ramps outside libraries, AND THEIR TOILETS ARE MASSIVE. Hymn number 513: Glad that I live am I."
  • (Cathy Carter-Smith) "Right. Part one of the idiot's guide to computers. Who can tell me what electricity is?"
  • (Reverend Bernice Woodall) "I welcome this new road and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings. If God meant us to walk everywhere, he wouldn't have given us little chefs."
  • (Pauline) "Ooh look. It's Mr. Cabbages, and he's a --"
  • (Mickey) "Fireman."
  • (Pauline) "No Mickey love, he's a greengrocer. But his good friend is Mr. Flames, and he is a --"
  • (Mickey) "Greengrocer."
  • (Pauline Campbell-Jones) "You can't come in here ordering them around and telling them they're useless, that's my job."
  • (Phil) "I'm happy with who I am and what I am and if people don't like that they can go kill themselves like Mum did."
  • (Tubbs) "Line and lines and lines and lines."
  • (Barry Baggs) "You're not havin' this money I owe you."
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "Let me explain how a dating agency works. 95% of the people who come through our doors are weirdos. My boyfriend doesn't like me working here. It's not that he's jealous, I say to him, "You should see the state of some of them." No, its because he thinks it's depressing for me."
  • (Iain Cashmore) "Did you meet him through an agency?"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "No. I shall tell him that tonight, he'll bloody laugh. No, I met him at a friend's party. You see, you meet people through people, and thats what a lot of them haven't got -- friends. And you have to question that, don't you? But enough about me, let's get you paired up. Miracles can happen you know."
  • (Edward) "Hello, hello. What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here."
  • (Reverend Bernice Woodall) "Some people call this "Theatre in Education"; I call it "AIDS in a van"."
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "Pay attention you ignorant bastard. Now, twinkle toes is gonna try and get that money off you. Off you go."
  • (Glenn Baggs) "Got that money Mr. Baggs?"
  • (Barry Baggs) "Yeah, here it is, ten, twenty, thirty --"
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "No, no no. It's not as easy as that is it? Put up a fight like they do with you."
  • (Barry Baggs) "Err --"
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "Never mind, give it back."
  • (Barry Baggs) "No."
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "What?"
  • (Barry Baggs) "Come back Thursday."
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "We're not playing that now, give me thne thirty quid."
  • (Barry Baggs) "No, you can't have it. My mam needs it for an operation, she's having her legs replaced."
  • (Pamela Doove) "Eskeewd beef. Have anybody got any bokkle oran doove?"
  • (Pauline) "Can you tell me what this is?"
  • (Ross) "Its a pen"
  • (Pauline) "Yes its a pen, one of Pauline's pens."
  • (Edward) "Hello, hello. What's going on, what's all this shouting we'll have no trouble here."
  • (Tubbs) "He's looking for a boy."
  • (Edward) "Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy. Come before your type in the forces, you won't catch me with my trousers down."
  • (Pauline) "You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell 'job', but at least he tries."
  • (Mickey) "J -- O"
  • (Chris Frost) "CCTV, mirrors, marked notes, security tags they're all tools of the trade and don't be fooled by their sympatheic exterior, be very wary of people in wheelchairs or babies in prams, yes keep an even closer eye on them. Only the other day I caught a 6 month old infant trying to conceal a box of rusks under his blanket, needless to say he met his match that day and I was able to inform the authorities before any more damage was done, Chalk it up."
  • (Barry Baggs) "I were looking forward to that scampi."
  • (Tubbs) "Look Edward a shooting star. Should we make a wish?"
  • (Edward) "Yes Tubbs, wish for an end to this plague of strangers, for our futures to remain local and for new road to be totally destroyed."
  • (Tubbs) "And can I have a new dress please."
  • (Les McQueen) "I expect our kid told you I had a group of my own."
  • (Shack) "Err --"
  • (Les McQueen) "Creme Brulee."
  • (Les McQueen) "Yeah, we had a good run. Did Eurovision."
  • (Shack) "The Eurovision song contest?"
  • (Les McQueen) "Oh yeah. Back in 81. Heats. Same year as Bucks Fizz. I remember saying to Jay Aston just before we went on : "This is where you s*** yourself isn't it, Jay?" We had a right laugh about it. Eh, what do you think of that Gina G, Shack?"
  • (Shack) "Er?"
  • (Les McQueen) "Rubbish wasn't it? Ordinary. I said to our Thom, "It won't win that." It's ordinary. Eurovision is about communication. Look at the Israelis. Years in the wilderness, all of a sudden, "A ba ni be a ba ni be." Genius."
  • (Ross) "Pauline. When are we gonna get on the computers, learn about spreadsheets; something practical?"
  • (Pauline) "Piss off, Ross."
  • (Edward) "Pervert, eh? Sex. On the brain. Wet the bed, I'll bet; as a boy? No sisters."
  • (Tubbs) "Will Heaven be like Swansea, Edward?"
  • (Edward) "Yes, Tubbs. Only -- bigger."
  • (Ross) "Would you say you were a fairly egregious person?"
  • (Hillary Briss) "It's like I always say. I'm a business man; I've a shelf full of black puddings out there, can't say I care for it."
  • (Maurice) "You mean -- you don't eat the special stuff?"
  • (Hillary Briss) "Someone has to stay in control."
  • (Mike King) "Look Lance, there's an old saying, once the s***'s been shat --"
  • (Lance Longthorne) "I'll s*** you."
  • (Edward) "I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there's nothing for you here."
  • (Tubbs) "Tell him I can't have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong."
  • (Edward) "Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home,"
  • (Edward) "rape our dead mouths. Just as long as I don't have to hear any more of your disgusting babble."
  • (Barbara Dixon) "It's OK once you've been shaved and marked up with lipstick. Course they won't know about lubrication until they open me up."
  • (Iris Krell) "Don't do anything I would'nt do -- that wont leave her many options."
  • (Les McQueen) "Everyone knew me round here, I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn."
  • (Edward) "How much to leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? All right a pound."
  • (Iris Krell) "He has made me do things that would make a whore blush."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Now, just think what the end is. And go back."
  • (Brian Morgan) "There's an English man --"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Fruit."
  • (Brian Morgan) "What?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "It's the fruit."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Oh yeah."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "He remembers it now."
  • (Brian Morgan) "English man, Irish man, scotchman. They get captured by the cannibals and they have to go out into the jungle and pick ten pieces of fruit. So they come back and the chief says, "So Englishman -- ""
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Do the voice."
  • (Brian Morgan) ""So English man, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau." and the english man says "We English will not bow to you savages, I choose Mau Mau." so they grab him and stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse --"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "And what did he pick?"
  • (Brian Morgan) "Oh, the englishman picked cherries."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Ha ha. Cherries. Imagine that Mike, tnen cherries sticking up your arse, Cherries are only really small though aren't they?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Go on Brian."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Right, so the chief turns to the scotchman and says "Death or Mau Mau" and -- oh. What's the scotsman's fruit Geoff, it it bananas?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "No it's smaller then that. Just a sec."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Well let's just sa --"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "It's too big. It spoils the next one."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Apples."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "No."
  • (Mike Harris) "Strawberries?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "What, in the jungle?"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "Oooh, it's like "Cracker" this, isn't it? Why did you force her? Why did you force her?"
  • (Iain Cashmore) "I didn't force her -- I didn't force her --"
  • (Edward) "Don't worry Tubbs."
  • (Edward) "They won't get far."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "I learned from my wives. Each one has something different to offer."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Yours specialized at curling eye-lashes. Did you even know that? You should have paid more attention to her. I know I did."
  • (Benjamin) "You want me to piss into a glass?"
  • (Ross) "Newsagent, police man, carpet fitter, doctor, vet, tennis player, football player --"
  • (Pauline) "Hold on a second,"
  • (Pauline) "tennis --"
  • (Ross) "-- solider, spy, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, fisherman, builder, labourer"
  • (Pauline) "All right clever dick. That's enough now."
  • (Ross) "And astronaut."
  • (Pauline) "PISS OFF."
  • (Pauline) "You can shout out as many jobs as you like Ross, you'll never bloody get one, you worthless dole scum."
  • (Mickey) "What time is it, Ross?"
  • (Ross) "You've got a watch on."
  • (Mickey) "I know, but what time is it?"
  • (Ross) "This is my report. It has everything I need for your immediate termination, and believe me, I'm gunna push for that."
  • (Ross) "Use of abusive and threatening language --"
  • (Pauline) "Oh, come off it."
  • (Pauline) "You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you coming in? Sit up straight you bone-idle lazy c***."
  • (Pauline) "What was that?"
  • (Ross) "That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?"
  • (Tubbs) "You lied to me Edward. You lied to me. There is a Swansea -- and other places."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Nice to see you again Dave, all grown up."
  • (Unnamed) "If you don't play a game with us, we'll tell daddy on you."
  • (Benjamin Denton) "Tell?"
  • (Unnamed) "We'll say we came down here and saw you doing something naughty."
  • (Benjamin Denton) "Like what?"
  • (Unnamed) "Shaking hands with the governor of love."
  • (Pauline) "Ooh, it's half past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work. Other men stay in bed until dinnertime watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are -- Good morning, jobseekers."
  • (Dr Matthew Chinnery) "Reverend, do you believe a man can be cursed?"
  • (Reverend Bernice Woodall) "Have you met Barbera?"
  • (Dr Matthew Chinnery) "Was he very old?"
  • (Alvin Steele) "Home is the hunter."
  • (Pauline) "Do you see how easy it is? its as simple as Mickey."
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "Right, you two, this is the last chance saloon. How much money did you pair of clowns collect last week?"
  • (Barry Baggs) "Err --"
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "Six pound. Six bloody pound. And you only found that because it were down the back of a sofa you brung in."
  • (Barry Baggs) "Is there any sandwiches?"
  • (Glenn Baggs) "Sorry, Mr. Lisgoe, we --"
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "I know what it is. You're as soft as bloddy s***e. So we're going to have a bit of retraining or you're out on your arses. You, Fatty Arbuckle."
  • (Barry Baggs) "I'm not fat, I'm large."
  • (Joseph Lisgoe) "Right, here's thirty quid."
  • (Barry Baggs) "Ooh, thanks Mr. Lisgoe I'll get some pop. You want owt Glenn?"
  • (Hillary Briss) "Fear is the best insurance we can buy."
  • (Dougal Siepp) "Kenny Harris. As I live and breath. Are you not out of business yet Kenneth?"
  • (Kenny Harris) "Quit carping Siepp. We do DVD and video rental now. Do you know what my biggest title is?"
  • (Dougal Siepp) "I'm sure you're going to tell me."
  • (Kenny Harris) "Digby. "Digby the biggest dog in the world." Can you rememeber what you said about it?"
  • (Dougal Siepp) "Funnily enough, no."
  • (Kenny Harris) "You said it were dated. No-one would want to see it in this day and age. 17 rentals in 20 weeks, explain that."
  • (Herr Lip) "Lotte will finger your hymn on the organ but I wish to conduct you myself."
  • (Pauline) "Mickey. If you walk out the door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit."
  • (Ross) "She can't do that."
  • (Pauline) "Try me."
  • (Mickey) "Please Pauline, I feel confident."
  • (Pauline) "Well you look ridiculous. I know they put monkeys in space, but do you think they'll have one driving a fire engine."
  • (Pauline) "That's right Mickey love, you stick to what you know, eh?"
  • (Mickey) "Pauline's right, I am stupid."
  • (Pauline) "Right the rest of you, I want you to split yourself into two groups, babysitters and bramble pickers, and we'll look at the next step. Getting an interview."
  • (Edward) "this is a local shop the strangers you would bring would not understand us, our customs, our local ways."
  • (Unnamed) "Got a frog here for Mr. Denton."
  • (Harvey Denton) "A WHAT?"
  • (Unnamed) "A frog."
  • (Harvey Denton) "How dare you sir. In this house we do not use the f word. This -- is a toad."
  • (Stella Hull) "Look at him thinks he's John friggin' Travolta, more like John Presscot."
  • (Harvey Denton) "Maybe if you spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five daughters, you'd be a little more alert."
  • (Barbara Dixon) "One little prick and it'll all be over. Then they cut my cock off."
  • (Mike Harris) "The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen?"
  • (Brian Morgan) "I thought it was a dead cert."
  • (Mike Harris) "Our company needs --"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "PLUMS."
  • (Brian Morgan) "You what?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "It's plums, go on."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Course it bloody matters. He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau.""
  • (Mike Harris) "You didn't do the voice."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Don't matter. Finish it."
  • (Brian Morgan) "I can't remember."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Finish it."
  • (Brian Morgan) "I can't remember it Geoff."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Please."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Geoff. I honestly can't remember."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it."
  • (Brian Morgan) "All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "PINEAPPLES. THEY'RE --"
  • (Brian Morgan) "Pineapples. He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him --"
  • (Mike Harris) "Get it right Brian."
  • (Brian Morgan) "He says -- I can't remember."
  • (Mike Harris) "He says, "Death by Mau Mau.""
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Oh, you heard it?"
  • (Mike Harris) "Yeah."
  • (Tubbs) "Yes, can I help you at all?"
  • (Vinnie Wythenshaw) "That Merril."
  • (Tubbs) "Look Edward, a freak show. Shall we take David?"
  • (Edward) "No Tubbs, we don't want to frighten them."
  • (Dr Singleton Boothby) "All my doors are open to you, Chinnery. Except the ones that are closed."
  • (Tubbs) "Edward, will more strangers come?"
  • (Edward) "Calm yourself Tubbs. None shall come."
  • (Reverend Bernice Woodall) "And lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he finally saw the true light, the way unto the Lord. At least that's what it says here -- ;Lord, I am tired. Well, so much for the road to Damascus, what about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting? Hallelujah. Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Loopy, those soap dodging road protesters. Driving round in their converted ice cream vans; pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues -- I bet they'd have their arseholes pierced, if they could get their cheeks into the machine. If I had my way, I'd shepherd them all into one of their tunnels knock out all the pit props and see how they like being close to the earth then."
  • (Barbara Dixon) "To be honest, I think I favour internal protection over towels. I mean, who wants to walk around with a great big matress in between their legs all day?"
  • (Doctor Matthew Chinnery) "Hello old girl. Oh, you really are on your last legs aren't you? Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats, chewed a few bones. Well, you won't be in pain for much longer. Oh, don't mind this. Just a silly little needle."
  • (Dr. Matthew Chinnery) "Off to the land of nod. Good dog."
  • (Farmer Tinsel) "Ugh, the galstone's made him put on weight Mr. Chinnery."
  • (Dr. Matthew Chinnery) "What have you got there?"
  • (Farmer Tinsel) "Here's Blacko. The poorly one. The one I want putting down."
  • (Dr. Chinnery) "And this one, the -- sleeping one."
  • (Farmer Tinsel) "Whiskey. My litle angel she is. Aren't you pet? Whiskey? Whiskey?"
  • (Dr. Matthew Chinnery) "I wonder if you can take a seat Mr. Tinsel, I have some rather upsetting news."
  • (Pauline) "Some of us, like Ross here, will want to follow in their father's footsteps -- but you can't sign on forever."
  • (Tubbs) "Come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky."
  • (David) "About 7 then?"
  • (Lance Longthorne) "Stag night coming up? I've got just the thing for you. I've got just the thing. Spread this powder on the groom's undies night before the wedding, gives him crabs. Bleeding crabs eggs, they hatch overnight, groom's standing at the altar, wife beside him, can't stop thinking about scracthing himself because he's got bleedin'crabs. Four pound fifty."
  • (Unnamed) "What?"
  • (Lance Longthorne) "All right, four pound."
  • (Unnamed) "No, I'm lookin for something more -- specific."
  • (Lance Longthorne) "Oh. Ok, how about this? Hot sweets, give them to the groom before he makes his speech."
  • (Unnamed) "Hot sweets, eh? What's in them, pepper?"
  • (Lance Longthorne) "Potassium. Burn his tongue and roof of his mouth off, never talk again."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Oh. You're my wife now."
  • (Brian Morgan) "All right, there's these three fellows."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Yeah, English man, Irish man, Scotchman."
  • (Brian Morgan) "And they get lost in the desert."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Jungle."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Is it?"
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Yeah, go on."
  • (Brian Morgan) "All right. They get lost in the jungle and they get killed by these cannibals."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Not yet. You've missed the whole bloody joke you idiot."
  • (Tubbs) "We didn't burn him."
  • (Harvey Denton) "Perhaps you are a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent, a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread eagled on pillows forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm."
  • (Stella Hull) "If you think I'm sticking digestives down my knickers and calling next doors dog in; you can forget it."
  • (Harvey Denton) "While the wee wife's away just a few words on the subject of onanism. In this house, we don't masturbate. It's not a particularly pleasant thing to do, especially with two young girls running around now is it? I would hate to imagine either Chloe or Radcliffe, tearing down the stairs first thing in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist."
  • (Edward) "You people are all alike, You march in here, young. try and touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint, smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement."
  • (Tubbs) "Will heaven be like Swansea?"
  • (Edward) "Yes, Tubbs. Only -- bigger."
  • (Barbara Dixon) "The good thing is, they know me there now. I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing."
  • (Harvey Denton) "When I was younger I suffered terrible facial warts. I remember the whispered comments, "Here comes Harvey toadface." "Quick hide, toadface Denton is coming.""
  • (Val Denton) "And that was his mother and father."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "What are you doing ?"
  • (Brian Morgan) "I'm making him a cross."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Oh, great idea. Why not put a sign on the back saying, "Body buried here"."
  • (Brian Morgan) "Well, they will find him anyway."
  • (Geoff Tipps) "Yeah, and when they do we'll say that wolves did it."
  • (Pauline) "Me and Mr. Pen are going for a little walk down the high street, where we're going to see lots and lots of people doing lots and lots of jobs."
  • (Ross) "Not our high street then."
  • (Lance Longthorne) "Yes, this is the joke shop, shop being the key word. So if you've come here to laugh at the bumper stickers and the wind up willies, you can sod off out of here now, all right?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, I will be making a purchase."
  • (Lance Longthorne) "Well, whoopy s***."
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "Come in."
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "Sit down as usual. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
  • (Gina Beasley) "I've been having these bad headaches for months now. And I think there's something seriously wrong."
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "I'll be the judge of that if you don't mind. I'm going to subscribe you some tablets, they're called Paracetemol, you take two at the first sign of the pain recurring. Now go out will you?"
  • (Gina Beasley) "Actually, Dr. Carlton, I've tried Paracetemol and they don't seem to work."
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "You see, once again you are crossing the line. And I don't like it one bit. Are you tidy?"
  • (Gina Beasley) "I try to be."
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "Methodical."
  • (Gina Beasley) "Yes."
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "Which means you are obsessional, a trait often subscribed to hypercondriacts. And on that note we'll end, come and see me again in twenty two weeks. Now go out will you?"
  • (Dr Ira Carlton) "GO OUT WILL YOU?"
  • (Herr Lip) "If you don't understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth."
  • (Papa Lazarou) "Autom-sprou-canda-tickbana-sandwor-budnorsellaswie?"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?"
  • (Iain Cashmore) "I'm sorry?"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?"
  • (Iain Cashmore) "I can't really say."
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "So, not at all kind to animals."
  • (Iain Cashmore) "Well, don't say that --"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "No, I've got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?"
  • (Iain Cashmore) "When?"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "In general."
  • (Iain Cashmore) "Well, sometimes --"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "So quiet."
  • (Iain Cashmore) "Don't put that --"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "No, I've got to take all your bad points as well."
  • (Iain Cashmore) "That's not necessarily a bad point, is it?"
  • (Olive Kilshaw) "Well, you say that, but you can't get a girlfriend, can you?"

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