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The Last Boy Scout Quotes

The Last Boy Scout is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . The Last Boy Scout ended its run in 1970.

It features Joel Silver, and Michael Levy as producer, Michael Kamen in charge of musical score, and Ward Russell as head of cinematography.

The Last Boy Scout is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Last Boy Scout is 105 minutes long. The Last Boy Scout is distributed by Warner Bros..

The cast includes: Chelsea Field as Joe Hallenbeck, Bruce McGill as Mike Mathews, Taylor Negron as Milo, Damon Wayans as Jake, Chelsea Field as Sarah Hallenbeck, Halle Berry as Cory, Bruce McGill as Mike Matthews, Kim Coates as Chet, Danielle Harris as Darian Hallenbeck, Billy Blanks as Billy Cole, Clarence Felder as McCoskey, and Chelsea Field as Harp.

The Last Boy Scout Quotes

Chelsea Field as Joe Hallenbeck

  • (Chelsea Field) "Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you f***."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I swear to Christ, Junior, if I survive this f***in' case I'm gonna dance a jig."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "What?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "I'm gonna dance a jig, I swear to Christ."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Oh, if it isn't Shelly Marcone himself."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Careful, son. Just my friends call me Shelly."
  • (Chelsea Field) "You got friends? When did this happen?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "What, you don't believe in love?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Yeah, I believe in love; I also believe in cancer."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "What, they're both diseases?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Yeah, something like that."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Excuse me?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Come on, chicken s***. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "So now you know my name?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Now you're starting to piss me off."
  • (Chelsea Field) "It's about f***in' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I'm a private detective."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "You're like a f***in' lowlife to me."
  • (Chelsea Field) "At least I didn't s*** my talent away on coke."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I spilled my warm cup of piss."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Joe, have you ever heard of the Senate's Commission to Investigate Gambling in Professional Sports?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Is that who you're payin' off?"
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "The commission's gonna vote next March. I got every one of 'em in my hip pocket, except Senator Calvin Baynard. I tried to bribe that son of a bitch, Joe. He gave it back because it wasn't enough."
  • (Chelsea Field) "What's he want?"
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Six million. Or he'll go straight to the police. You know, I think it's just gonna be cheaper to kill that son of a bitch."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Takin' off a U.S. Senator, that's pretty ballsy, even for an asshole like you."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "You said it, Joe-boy. That's why we're gonna frame you for the senator's murder."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "And then some."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Feel like I've been rode hard and put away wet."
  • (Chelsea Field) "What the hell does that mean?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "It's horse talk, man."
  • (Chelsea Field) "They got the brothers ridin' horses now, huh?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Yeah, cars're gettin' too hard to steal."
  • (Chelsea Field) "You ever wear, like, a little cowboy hat?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "I'm really good, man. Maybe I could take your daughter out. What's she like?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "She's like thirteen years old, and if you even look at her funny, I'm gonna stick an umbrella up your ass and open it."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out."
  • (Chelsea Field) "This the only kind of music they play in this joint?"
  • (Halle Berry) "Mm-hm."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I hate this funk s***. I'll have to charge you extra."
  • (Halle Berry) "What did you expect?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "The Four Freshmen. Pat Boone."
  • (Halle Berry) "What are you, my father?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Yeah, I'm your father. Go put some clothes on."
  • (Halle Berry) "You're hilarious."
  • (Halle Berry) "Go stick your head in that speaker. You'll be screaming, "Play that funky music, white boy.""
  • (Chelsea Field) "The screaming part, I believe."
  • (Chelsea Field) "The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a f***?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Now what are you doing?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "I'm drawing them a picture."
  • (Chelsea Field) "What is that?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "It's a bomb."
  • (Chelsea Field) "It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines comin' out of it. They're gonna say "Don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit.""
  • (Jimmy Dix) "You wanna draw the damn thing?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Happy?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Are you kidding me?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Always criticizing my s***. I can't do nothin' right."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Oh, s***."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "f*** you" in Polish."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Hey, that's not funny, man. I almost bought it there."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Hey, last time I saw you drink straight vodka was 'cause you just cheated on Cory."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Yeah, well, why don't you pour me another?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Oh, man. You didn't? You gotta be crazy, partner, cheatin' on her."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "I gotta be somethin', Harp. 'Cause nowadays all I do is lose friends, drink, and nail anything with a heartbeat."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Yeah, well, uh, just stay on that side of the bar, huh?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Oh, Harp."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "I don't know. Why?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Because his dick was stuck in a chicken."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "She gets evidence to use against 'em, right?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "That's right."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "So now we have the evidence."
  • (Chelsea Field) "What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Leather pants."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Yeah."
  • (Chelsea Field) "What's something like that run?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Six-fifty."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Six hundred and fifty dollars?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Yeah."
  • (Chelsea Field) "They're pants."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Yeah."
  • (Chelsea Field) "You wear them?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "YES."
  • (Chelsea Field) "They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Nope."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I am very old."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Hey, that's Marcone's car."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Come on."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "I've always wanted to do that."
  • (Chelsea Field) "You should've s*** on it."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you."
  • (Chelsea Field) "This is the '90s. You can't just walk up and slap a guy, you have to say something cool first."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Can I have a cigarette?"
  • (Kim Coates) "A cigarette? Yeah sure."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Got a light?"
  • (Kim Coates) "Yeah, got a light."
  • (Kim Coates) "Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another?"
  • (Kim Coates) "Sure, sure thing buddy."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya."
  • (Scrabble Man) "Drop the gun, Hallenbeck."
  • (Scrabble Man) "Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Yeah, streetlights are on."
  • (Damon Wayans) "Shut up, f***face."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I'm f***face, he's asshole."
  • (Scrabble Man) "Jake?"
  • (Scrabble Man) "Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "You want the envelope, right?"
  • (Scrabble Man) "The envelope, very smart. See, Jake, here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Good word."
  • (Scrabble Man) "You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Alright man, just leave him the f*** alone."
  • (Scrabble Man) "Leave him alone? Sure, whatever you say. Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "s***, we're bein' beat up by the inventor of Scrabble."
  • (Scrabble Man) "He's still in a good mood, Jake. Kick him again."
  • (Chelsea Field) "All right. You want the envelope the hooker had, right?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "She wasn't a hooker, Joe."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Shut the f*** up."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Football is a dyin' beast, Joe. No heroes left. Not anymore. Since ol' Sonny Werblin paid four hundred thousand dollars to Joe Namath in '66, the son of a bitches have just gotten greedier. God Almighty, when's it enough? Jesus, free agents. "Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme." Now you got guys on PCP wiggin' out and shootin' themselves on the field. The American public is piss-pot tired of it, and they're changing the channel."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Ratings are down. So you're gonna bribe some senators to legalize gambling."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Legalize sports gambling. You see, with all the heroes gone, legalized gambling is about the only thing that'll save the beast. You follow me, Joe? We're talking about some big bucks here. We're talking about billions. That's nine zeroes, son."
  • (Chelsea Field) "I'm not your f***in' son."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Hey, you got a car here? Hey. You got a car?"
  • (Pool Owner) "Yeah."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Give me the keys."
  • (Pool Owner) "No way."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Give me the keys or I shoot the kid."
  • (Chelsea Field) "That briefcase was loaded with explosives, wasn't it?"
  • (Taylor Negron) "Ten pounds of C-4 is on the way to the Coliseum right now. It's ironic, don't you think? That this bomb's gonna be delivered to Baynard by his own personal bodyguards? After his death, the police will receive a photograph of you, Joseph, handing over the briefcase, and blame you for the crime. And they'll believe it, too, because they know what a fan of Baynard's you are."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Go f*** yourself."
  • (Taylor Negron) "Okay, now that's not polite."
  • (Taylor Negron) "It's very abusive-sounding. What would you do, Joseph, if somebody told you to go f*** yourself? Would you cut one of their eyes out?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "No."
  • (Taylor Negron) "No? What would you do?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Hey, ugly. Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Give him the key or I'll have you kneecapped."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Whoops."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Look like nobody gets the money. That's one of those new plastic keys."
  • (Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone) "Get the god damn key."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "The kind that shred."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Darian, get down."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Where are you goin'?"
  • (Jimmy Dix) "To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy."
  • (Chelsea Field) "No, I'll pass."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Be prepared, son. That's my motto. Be prepared."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Hi, you're nobody."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Shhh, don't tell anyone."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Go buy yourself a new pair of pants."
  • (Chelsea Field) "You were never around. You know what? f*** you, Joe. I was lonely."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Buy a dog."

Danielle Harris as Darian Hallenbeck

  • (Danielle Harris) "Eat s*** you f***ing redneck."

Taylor Negron as Milo

  • (Taylor Negron) "Hey, motherf***er."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Hey, Milo. Where ya callin' from, the bottom of the pool?"
  • (Taylor Negron) "Can we do a formal introduction here?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Who gives a f***? You're the bad guy, right?"
  • (Taylor Negron) "I am the bad guy."
  • (Chelsea Field) "And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?"
  • (Taylor Negron) "Something like that."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Fine. I'll start trembling in a minute."
  • (Taylor Negron) "You think you're so f***in' cool, don't you? You think you're so f***in' cool. Well just once, I would like to hear you scream, in pain."
  • (Chelsea Field) "Play some rap music."
  • (Taylor Negron) "Excuse me, but did any of you stupid s***s bother to frisk this f***? He could be a God damned cop. Frisk him please."
  • (Taylor Negron) "Push this vile f*** off the road, man."

Bruce McGill as Mike Mathews

  • (Bruce McGill) "She's hot, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me f*** her."
  • (Bruce McGill) "So listen, I'm booked. You got plans?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "I'm thinking about smoking some cigarettes."
  • (Bruce McGill) "Could you postpone?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "These are pretty good cigarettes."
  • (Bruce McGill) "It just happened, Joe. It --"
  • (Chelsea Field) "Sure, sure, I know -- it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops. I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week.""
  • (Bruce McGill) "What'd you do last night?"
  • (Chelsea Field) "I think I f***ed a squirrel to death, and don't remember."

Halle Berry as Cory

  • (Halle Berry) "If I were a cat, I'd purrrrrr."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Come one, Cory, let's go."
  • (Halle Berry) "Wait, I gotta wait for Hallenbeck."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
  • (Halle Berry) "It's nothing serious, let's just wait for Hallenbeck."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Is there some guy bothering you?"
  • (Halle Berry) "Seriously, let's just wait for Hallenbeck."
  • (Jimmy Dix) "Hallenbeck's a bum. What's he gonna do, light a match and breathe on the guy?"

Clarence Felder as McCoskey

  • (Clarence Felder) "I've got bad news and bad news."
  • (Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo) "Give me the bad news first."

Billy Blanks as Billy Cole

  • (Billy Blanks) "Ain't life a bitch?"

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