The Kids in the Hall Quotes

The Kids in the Hall is a television program that was first aired in 1988 on CBC Television, Home Box Office, and CBS. The Kids in the Hall stopped airing in 1995.

The Kids in the Hall was on for 5 seasons and 102 episodes. It features Lorne Michaels, and Joe Bodolai as producer.

Each episode of The Kids in the Hall is 25 minutes long.

The Kids in the Hall Quotes

• (Dave) "Hi, I'm just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's always kinda hard to find the right words to say. You know, somehow "How's the weather in the hospital? Sure is nice outside" just doesn't work. But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern. So here's what I got so far: "Dear Guy, I clotheslined as you went by on your bicycle. You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now, I've asked myself over and over, why did I clothesline that guy? Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around. In all fairness, it was pretty funny. I mean, the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat. I mean, you really should've seen it, it was just like, wham. Bam."
• (Dave) "Anyway -- in closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital bed, I'm forced to wonder, what were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway? Huh, ya asshole? SideWALK? Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves. Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea.""

• (Sir Simon Milligan) "Hecubus, have you seen the movie "Presumed Innocent?""
• (Hecubus) "Yes I have, Master, and his wife killed her."
• (Sir Simon Milligan) "But Hecubus, I haven't seen the movie yet -- Evil. Evil."

• (Bruce) "I look at Ms. Manythroats and it's like, "Who would f*** you?" She should be bisexual. It would increase her chances."

• (Mark) "Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep."
• (Scott) "Yeeeeeeeeep."
• (Mark) "Ladies and gentlemen."
• (Mark) "He's gonna give away a thousand dollars. Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars. Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars?"
• (Mark) "Could be you or it could be you 'cause -- Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars. Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars."
• (Scott) "Yep."
• (Mark) "You're gonna get a thousand dollars."
• (Mark) "He just gave you a thousand dollars. Count it up."
• (Bruce) "Thanks."
• (Mark) "Yep. Yep. Yep."
• (Mark) "Someone's gonna get a punch in the head. Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?"

• (Sir Simon Milligan) "May I assume your last boyfriend was a bastard?"
• (Helen Bathgate) "Yes"
• (Sir Simon Milligan) "Well, then, tell me about him."
• (Helen Bathgate) "He had a Cabbage for a head."

• (Scott) "Wow. Maybe girls weren't such a bad idea."

• (Buddy Cole) "Show business is full of actors, singers, dancers, models. And then there's me: Actor, singer, dancer, model -- Canadian."

• (Mr. B) "An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer.""

• (Unnamed) "Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team."
• (Unnamed) "No. I'm a vaudevillian."
• (Unnamed) "No, I think you manage a baseball team."
• (Unnamed) "Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team."
• (Unnamed) "I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays."
• (Unnamed) "Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base."
• (Unnamed) "Who's on first base?"
• (Unnamed) "Yes."
• (Unnamed) "Who?"
• (Unnamed) "Yes, who is the man on first base."
• (Unnamed) "Why are you asking me; I'm asking you. What's the name of the guy on first base?"
• (Unnamed) "No no, Watt is on; oh, I see what your problem is. Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions."
• (Unnamed) "I dunno."
• (Unnamed) "Third base."
• (Unnamed) "Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase "Gee, I dunno," but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno."
• (Unnamed) "That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals."
• (Unnamed) "What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job."

• (Brad) "Every time I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leafs game, gets me pissed, and then tries to blow me. Why can't people like me for me?"

• (Unnamed) "Wanna know something?"
• (Unnamed) "In my day if a girl was born with red hair she was considered to be irreparably evil and drowned as a Witch."

• (Reporter) "Tammy, what's your stand on abortion?"
• (Tammy) "Never on the first date."

• (Unnamed) "So what do you do?"
• (Dave) "I'm a banker."
• (Unnamed) "Gee, you must be thirsty."

• (Cabbage for a Head) "When I was a kid I ordered some Sea Monkeys, to love me, but they never arrived."
• (Fine Fox) "So?"
• (Cabbage for a Head) "Therefore I had a bad childhood."
• (Cabbage for a Head) "Comprenez Vous?"
• (Fine Fox) "Who didn't. That's how childhoods work."

• (Dave) "How else can we explain people who say "I don't need to take drugs to have a good time"? How else can we explain New Age Music? Could Mankind have invented Golf without Alien Intervention?"

• (Dave) "So you're not from Toronto?"
• (Unnamed) "No, just moved here, come on in."
• (Dave) "What are you?"
• (Unnamed) "Gee you're not too bright. I'm a Chicken Lady. And I love life, do you love life?"
• (Dave) "Yeah."
• (Unnamed) "Good, 'cos I put that in my Personal. "Chicken Lady Loves Life.""
• (Dave) "Chicken Lady? I never took that literally."

• (Unnamed) "What is it?"
• (Unnamed) "It's a chicken -- but it's also a kid. It's a chicken-kid."

• (Unnamed) "Why does everything always happen to me?"

• (Construction Worker) "The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one."

• (Unnamed) "Wanna know somethin'?"
• (Unnamed) "It's a fact. The Queen of England doesn't know her ABC's anymore."
• (Unnamed) "A-B-C-D-X-P-Q, R-X-Y-D --"
• (Unnamed) "Hello."
• (Unnamed) "R -- E --"
• (Unnamed) "Rule, Brittania."
• (Unnamed) "Sad, eh? She's old. It's a fact."

• (Dave) "Well, this is the place I've been telling you about."
• (Kevin) "Yeah, it's really nice. So, what do you eat when you come here?"
• (Dave) "Well, I'll tell ya. If you're gonna eat here, you've got to try the s***ty Soup."
• (Kevin) "s***ty Soup?"
• (Dave) "Oh yeah, everyone that comes here has the s***ty Soup."
• (Kevin) "It doesn't sound that great."
• (Dave) "Oh, it's not, it's awful. That's why they call it "s***ty.""

• (Sir Simon Milligan) "And now, the sleep of ages. Saba, lava, kuti. Hecubus, are you sleeping?"
• (Hecubus) "Yes, Master."
• (Sir Simon Milligan) "If Hecubus is sleeping, how could he answer me? Maybe because -- he lied? Dirty dirty liar. Evil evil white boy. He lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied, he lied."

• (Jerry Sizzler) "Good evening, pricks. I'm Jerry Sizzler and this is my sister --"
• (Jerry Sizzler) "Jerry Sizzler."
• (Jerry Sizzler) "We of course are two lounge singers --"
• (Jerry Sizzler) "And not two clearly insane people."

• (Silvee) "What's wrong, my Michelle?"
• (Michelle) "Oh, Silvee, I can't stop thinking about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he'll ever return someday."
• (Silvee) "Oh, Michelle."
• (Michelle) "Hmmm?"
• (Silvee) "You have to stop lying awake wondering about Tony, wondering where he is, who he could be with, what he's thinking, if he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return one day."
• (Michelle) "Oh."
• (Michelle) "What?"
• (Man) "Upstairs we are having a fabulous party, but we've run out of wine. So I am forced to borrow a bottle of yours. My God, it stinks in here. It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony, wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he's thinking, whether he's thinking of you, and whether he'll ever return someday."

• (Unnamed) "All the girls want to know: Who's the cutest guy on Death Row?"

• (Unnamed) "So I'd finally got them together at this party, and they were talking. But you know, just talking. So I walked past and sort of hip-chucked him into her, and when I looked back they were kissing. And now it's six months later, they're getting married AND I'M STILL SINGLE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? I MEAN, I'M SO LONELY, I REALLY AM."
• (Unnamed) "Don't touch me, don't touch me."
• (Unnamed) "Mummy? Daddy?"

• (Gavin) "My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon."

• (Guy) "Hello? I want you to tell me where a shoe store is because I want to look for a pair of shoes and buy 'em."
• (Shopkeeper) "I'm sorry. I'd love to be of assistance to you, but I'm afraid I speak no English. Allow me to reiterate, I speak no English. Perhaps this will wash the confusion from your face, my friend. My apparent fluency is the result of constant repetition. As you can imagine, I have been through this speech many times before, in fact, I could repeat it for you in any one of seven different languages. Yet oddly enough, I've never learned to speak it in my own, which is fine since over the years I have forgotten how to speak my own language."

• (Kevin) "We're going to have to let you go. You're a girl-drink drunk. I can't help feeling responsible, but then I can't help not caring either. Now get out of here before you start throwing up -- little fruity things."
• (Dave) "Okay, but I'll tell you something. You're not the only Cardboard Packaging Company in town."
• (Kevin) "Yes we are, Dave."
• (Dave) "Oh. Oh, well then --"

• (Dave) "Okay, I'll take the guy in the big T-shirt, you take the Giant Flesh-Eating Beast of Antorr."

• (Unnamed) "You know what I love about you? Your constancy. You haven't changed one bit in 20 years."
• (Unnamed) "Oh, I have."
• (Unnamed) "No, you haven't."
• (Unnamed) "Yes, I have. I'm more afraid of change and I'm less tolerant of other cultures."

• (Unnamed) "I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it."

• (Unnamed) "You are American?"
• (Unnamed) "No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun."

• (Mass Murderer) "The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the murdering part. It's the mass part. It's the pace you've gotta keep up, the sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause the funny thing about killing: After the first time you've killed, the second time it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky, so you gotta be careful. You know, you gotta stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And, oh, by around the seventh time you're likely to feel like you're in a bit of a rut. Want to get artistic with it, you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be known as "The Middle Toe Murderer." By that point, I don't know, I think that's showboating. You know, you gotta ask yourself: "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for myself or for the press?" Around about the twentieth murder, well, you're likely to be sick of the whole thing. You know, sometimes I don't even want to look at another corpse. I feel if I even see a chainsaw, I'll scream. It's like what happened the other day: I had just finished ending a human life in a senseless act of violence when I run into this old friend of mine from high school. And he says, "Hey. Whatcha been doin'?" And I think to myself, "What HAVE I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where's this leading? Am I gonna be doing this at fifty?" Sometimes I think I really should go back to college."

• (Kevin) "She can't even spell orgasm, let alone have one."
• (Mark) "Why would she need to spell it to have one?"
• (Kevin) "For the list. The sexual shopping list."

• (Buddy Holly) "Oh, there's the Big Bopper, the diarrhea king himself."

• (Unnamed) "Hello, loyal subject. I strongly suggest that you stay down."

• (Waiter) "Do you want to sit in the Smoking Area, the Non-Smoking Area, or the Area where people talk about their relationships?"

• (Sir Simon Milligan) "Oh, waiter?"
• (Sir Simon Milligan) "See, this place is evil. Evil part-timer. Evil waiter will receive an unholy tip."

• (Manny Coon) "I was born in a brothel in a town which now no longer exists. When I was born, my mother mistook the afterbirth as my twin. And the cuter one, too, apparently, as I was immediately sold to the cleaning woman for a stamp. The cleaning woman, who went by the name of Magda, lived out at the edge of town in an abandoned freezer with a bum named Lucky. Magda and Lucky used to fight over whose turn it was to beat me. So to distract myself from the misery of my surroundings, I began to draw. And I drew whatever I could get my hands on; flattened Kleenex boxes, tin cans, fruit -- but nothing fresh. I never had a piece of fresh fruit until I was twenty-one, and it was a lime. I still take the existence of peaches on hearsay. I was kicked out of the freezer when I reached puberty, so I hit the open road in search of fame and fortune. For the next ten years I wandered, sorta like that German Shepherd, Hobo, except I don't lick strangers' faces unless I'm f***ing them."

• (Unnamed) "I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush."

• (Buddy Cole) "People make fun of me because I lisp. Really. Such a fuss over a few extra S's."

• (Restaurant Manager) "What do you want, sir?"
• (Customer) "I want what I have been waiting for, for nine hours. My bill."

• (Unnamed) "I made you an omelette, since I figured you wouldn't like bugs."
• (Dave) "Oh, thank you. Mmm, it's good."
• (Unnamed) "That's 'cos they're fresh. Straight out of my body and onto your plate."

• (Unnamed) "Ready the anal probe."
• (Unnamed) "Anal probe is ready."
• (Unnamed) "Commence anal probing."

• (Darrill) "There's a kangaroo on my balcony, I wish he'd go away."

• (Captain) "How did we end up here, Mr. Navigator?"
• (Navigator) "I don't know, sir."
• (Captain) "You're not a very good navigator, are you?"
• (Navigator) "No, I'm not, sir."
• (Captain) "Then how did you get this job?"
• (Navigator) "You liked my hair, sir."
• (Captain) "Ah, yes."

• (Einstein) "So, good day for painting the fence?"
• (Dave) "Oh yeah? You think so Einstein? You work that all out for yourself? Think you're a big man, Einstein?"
• (Einstein) "Look, not everything that comes out of my mouth is going to be the Theory of Relativity."
• (Dave) "Oh, thanks Einstein. That's something I never could have worked out. Go on, get out of it, Einstein."
• (Einstein) "Don't let him get to you. He's just a guy painting a fence, and you're Einstein."

• (Unnamed) "You can't fire me, I'm French."
• (Dave) "She's got a point."

• (The Emperor of Japan) "And that is why all the robots cry --"

• (Unnamed) "We've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind."

• (Unnamed) "Thank God, that's finally over."

• (Buddy Cole) "What are the odds? I can't believe it. Here I am, stranded on a desert island. And my only supplies are my favorite book; "All About Rhoda" by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press. And my favorite album; Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: "That's What Friends Are For." I always like to have an ex-lover's music around; Denise is good, too. And, for companionship, the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Shall I?"
• (Buddy Cole) "Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed, I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do.""
• (Buddy Cole) "Oh, that was rich, Oscar. Oh, jeez, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh, I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Message received, Buddy. You know, Buddy, the trouble with the common man --"
• (Buddy Cole) "Yes?"
• (Oscar Wilde) "-- is that he is so unbearably common."
• (Buddy Cole) "Oh Oscar, funny, but you're such a snob."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Oh, that's my charm."
• (Buddy Cole) "Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Oh, I know."
• (Buddy Cole) "Does it bother you?"
• (Oscar Wilde) "Well, you know Buddy, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
• (Oscar Wilde) "What? Philadelphia."
• (Buddy Cole) "That's funny, but W.C. Fields said it."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Well, yes, if you had been listening to me correctly, Buddy, what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping.""
• (Buddy Cole) "That was me."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Oh, yes, yes."
• (Oscar Wilde) "Well, I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis, Buddy. I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today."
• (Buddy Cole) "Oscar, please, stop with the laryngitis nonsense. You're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television. I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "s***.""

• (Dave) "I was born in that house. And you know what? I intend to die there. Oh, I don't live there anymore, but that's where I'm going to die. Die in the house where I was born. Sort of a dream of mine. So, whenever I'm feeling a little bit sick, I just come down here. You know, just in case. Right now, I've got a bit of a cold, but it could escalate."

• (Scott) "And surely everyone can see this as a burlesque of contemporary values as I lay your wife on the Dining Room Table and take her in a way you would never dare to try."
• (Unnamed) "He couldn't, he was impotent."
• (Scott) "You're next pal. I want you in me."
• (Dave) "Sorry, no can do. Though I'd love to. Oh, sure I experimented with homosexuality in College, I mean, who didn't? And I drank human blood. There, I said it and I feel better having said it."

• (Bruce) "I don't think we look alike. For one thing, I'm not a big fat bald guy."
• (Unnamed) "Well, not yet."

• (Cool New Mom) "One day, you'll look back on this as the best time of your life."
• (Grieving Child) "I sure hope not."

• (Art Teacher) "I'm sorry, but naked, fat, black, crippled dykes are hard to come by."

• (Unnamed) "If I can't keep Mr. Stevenson, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay."

• (Unnamed) "What's next for the four of you?"
• (Kevin) "I'm here too. I'm big in France --"
• (French Fanclub Organiser) "Kevin is what we call -- Le Poupe. Which is French for -- Le Poupe."

• (Colleague) "Come on, I'll grease you up for the Alonkulator."
• (20-minute coma guy) "The Alonkulator?"
• (Colleague) "You have much to learn, my friend. It's this way to the grease pit."
• (20-minute coma guy) "So the grease is important?"
• (Colleague) "It is to me."

• (Bruce) "The moon is bright -- over Lebanon tonight, the Lebanese moon looks down, shim sham shacam, cattle explode, cow shrapnel drips off tree into mother's tear for little boy who goes on into battle and comes back dead, or worse, a man."

• (Fran) "Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning."
• (Gordon) "It's that salty bloody ham."
• (Fran) "The ham we had at dinner?"
• (Gordon) "Yes. Was there another ham?"
• (Fran) "You didn't like it --"
• (Gordon) "No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks."
• (Fran) "Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down."
• (Gordon) "I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not god**** bastard brine."
• (Fran) "I don't know what could have gone wrong --"
• (Gordon) "Well, SOMETHING did."
• (Fran) "I didn't do anything different -- I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham."
• (Gordon) "Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?"

• (Guy) "You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter."

• (Cool Substitute Teacher) "But I'm just a man, I'm human."
• (Unnamed) "Yeah."
• (Cool Substitute Teacher) "I've smoked pot."
• (Unnamed) "Yeah."
• (Cool Substitute Teacher) "I've tried Heroine."
• (Unnamed) "Yeah."
• (Cool Substitute Teacher) "A few times, yes, and you know, what I'm really, really trying to do now -- is cut down on the number of times I -- try heroine -- in a day. You know what? I'm going to get under my desk for a while. You all listen to this Rock Music. Did you know Rock Lyrics are just poetry set to Music? It's valid. Cathy, I want to talk to you for a moment, it may be related to your grades --"
• (Cathy) "Well, if it's about my grades --"
• (Kevin) "This is bulls***, Theo."
• (Cool Substitute Teacher) "Yeah, shut up."

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