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The First Wives Club Quotes

The First Wives Club is a television show that appeared on TV in 1970 . The First Wives Club ended its run in 1970.

It features Scott Rudin as producer, Marc Shaiman in charge of musical score, and Donald E. Thorin as head of cinematography.

The First Wives Club is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The First Wives Club is 103 minutes long. The First Wives Club is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Bette Midler as Brenda, Goldie Hawn as Elise, Philip Bosco as Uncle Carmine, Dan Hedaya as Morty, Rob Reiner as Dr. Morris Packman, Debra Monk as Jilted Lover, Victor Garber as Bill, Jennifer Dundas as Chris Paradis, Diane Keaton as Annie, Elizabeth Berkley as Phoebe LaVelle, Diane Keaton as Annie Paradis, and Eileen Heckart as Catherine.

The First Wives Club Quotes

Goldie Hawn as Elise

  • (Goldie Hawn) "You never even wrote to me."
  • (Diane Keaton) "You were unlisted --"
  • (Goldie Hawn) "And you always talked about me behind my back."
  • (Bette Midler) "Oh, you deserved it."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "I'm not Monique's Mother."
  • (Maurice) "No."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother."
  • (Maurice) "Uh-huh."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Shelley Winters is Unique's mother."
  • (Maurice) "Now that's a good one."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Sean Connery is Monique's mother."
  • (Maurice) "And I'm going to get you some coffee."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah."
  • (Bette Midler) "I didn't think you would come."
  • (Diane Keaton) "Yeah, it was in Hebrew."
  • (Bette Midler) "Oh shutup."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?"
  • (Bette Midler) "Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project?"
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?"
  • (Goldie Hawn) "I'm unhappy, Maurice."
  • (Maurice) "And I'm going to get you that coffee."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "There are only three ages for women in Hollywood; Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "If only she'd called me. If only I was listed."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Should have done your homework, Bill. I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate."
  • (Victor Garber) "Oh, God -- I didn't know -- oh, God. Wh-what are you going to do?"
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word -- Felony."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend. He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "You've always been jealous of me, even in college. Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted."
  • (Bette Midler) "Could and did. All the senior class and half the faculty."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "It was the sixties."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them."

Bette Midler as Brenda

  • (Bette Midler) "Morty. Well, look at you. You look prosperous."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Brenda, don't embarrass me."
  • (Bette Midler) "Don't embarrass you."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Don't make a scene."
  • (Bette Midler) "Don't make a scene."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Do not make a scene."
  • (Bette Midler) "Don't embarrass you. You've got a nerve. I'll tell you what's embarrassing."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Keep your voice down."
  • (Bette Midler) "Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky -- because I'm behind in the rent, that's embarrassing. Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college, that's embarrassing."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "You know something? You never listen. For twenty years you never ever listened. Here,"
  • (Dan Hedaya) "honey why don't you try this one in a fitting room, looks very nice on you."
  • (Bette Midler) "You know, I could use this. It's very beautiful and I love the color. But what am I gonna to use for money? HOW AM I GONNA PAY FOR IT?"
  • (Dan Hedaya) "It's the company that is expanding. Don't you understand that? The company, not me. I'm a mere laborer."
  • (Bette Midler) "You're a liar and a FRAUD."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "I have no money."
  • (Bette Midler) "Really? Why don't you look in your purse?"
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Oh you're very funny."
  • (Shelly) "There stunning Morton, I need all of them."
  • (Bette Midler) "Morton?"
  • (Shelly) "Oh God, make it go away."
  • (Bette Midler) "Shelly. Look at you. My my, the bulimia certainly has paid off."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Don't start."
  • (Bette Midler) "What's a matter Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?"
  • (Shelly) "Brenda, why don't you try these on in"
  • (Shelly) "your size."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "It's really a delight running into you today Brenda."
  • (Bette Midler) "Let's examine the evidence. Look. all bottles and gallon jugs."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "I had guests."
  • (Bette Midler) "Who? Guns N Roses?"
  • (Bette Midler) "Wake up and smell the audit."
  • (Bette Midler) "I remember your first talk-y."
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?""
  • (Bette Midler) "Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is. I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses."
  • (Duarto) "She looks fabulous; do you think she's had work done?"
  • (Bette Midler) "Honey, she's a quilt."
  • (Bette Midler) "There she is. Princess Pelvis."
  • (Bette Midler) "Ya know I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off Park Avenue."
  • (Bette Midler) "What's wrong?"
  • (Debra Monk) "It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds."
  • (Bette Midler) "That's just like my Morty."
  • (Debra Monk) "Who?"
  • (Bette Midler) "Morty."
  • (Debra Monk) "She's butch."
  • (Bette Midler) "My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V -- He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading."
  • (Bette Midler) "My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off."
  • (Bette Midler) "Where's Shelly?"
  • (Dan Hedaya) "In the car."
  • (Bette Midler) "Glove compartment?"
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Trunk."
  • (Bette Midler) "So okay, alimony sucks. Okay, you didn't get to play a police woman in a wonder bra. But look at you, you're gorgeous. And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts you still haven't hit puberty. And once upon a time you were a terrific actress. You've even got an Oscar to prove it. You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you. I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say that your perception of life is somewhat altered."
  • (Bette Midler) "What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?"
  • (Bette Midler) "Those lips; what's in 'em? Are they wax?"

Rob Reiner as Dr. Morris Packman

  • (Rob Reiner) "Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they got stuck in a pool drain."

Diane Keaton as Annie

  • (Diane Keaton) "I'm very sorry I ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in your every move. I'm sorry."
  • (Diane Keaton) "I'm clean. I'm clean. I'm clean."
  • (Diane Keaton) "What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start slapping away?"
  • (Goldie Hawn) "Been there."
  • (Bette Midler) "Done that."

Jennifer Dundas as Chris Paradis

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Dan Hedaya as Morty

  • (Dan Hedaya) "Shelly, what happened here? $140,00 for a PLATE? $47,000 for a carpet? A USED carpet? $300,00 for a Lamborghini? Are you crazy?"
  • (Shelly) "I bought the car for you. It was only 300 grand. It was a GIFT."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "With my money you bought it. I bought me the gift."
  • (Shelly) "Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, y'know; with some ambiance and some classic eternal good taste."
  • (Shelly) "Gunilla Garson Goldberg, personally inviting me to one of her super-social luncheons."
  • (Dan Hedaya) "Why?"

Philip Bosco as Uncle Carmine

  • (Philip Bosco) "Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out."

Victor Garber as Bill

  • (Victor Garber) "Nice car, used to have one myself."
  • (Shelly) "Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?"
  • (Victor Garber) "Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene."
  • (Shelly) "Me neither."
  • (Victor Garber) "So, are you here with anybody?"
  • (Shelly) "Not really."
  • (Victor Garber) "How old are you?"
  • (Victor Garber) "I'll sue you, I'll break you. You vindictive sack of silicone. That's my car, you piece of plastic."

Eileen Heckart as Catherine

  • (Eileen Heckart) "You are married. You have a daughter. You don't need self-esteem."

Elizabeth Berkley as Phoebe LaVelle

  • (Elizabeth Berkley) "Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you. Only, me."

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