The Cheap Detective Quotes

The Cheap Detective is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . The Cheap Detective ended in 1970.

It features Ray Stark as producer, Patrick Williams (composer) in charge of musical score, and John A. Alonzo as head of cinematography.

The Cheap Detective is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Cheap Detective is 92 minutes long. The Cheap Detective is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Peter Falk as Lou Peckinpaugh, Madeline Kahn as Mrs. Montenegro, Louise Fletcher as Marlene DuChard, Marsha Mason as Georgia Merkle, Vic Tayback as Lieutenant DiMaggio, Eileen Brennan as Betty DeBoop, Fernando Lamas as Paul DuChard, Nicol Williamson as Colonel Schlissel, James Coco as Marcel, John Houseman as Jasper Blubber, Stockard Channing as Bess, Peter Falk as Bess, Lou Peckinpaugh, Ann-Margret as Jezebel Dezire, Sid Caesar as Ezra Dezire, and James Cromwell as Schnell.

The Cheap Detective Quotes

Louise Fletcher as Marlene DuChard

• (Louise Fletcher) "Did you think my heart didn't stop last night in the club when I saw you standing there?"
• (Peter Falk) "I almost forgot what you looked like. Day by day I erased your face from my mind, little by little, till all I had left -- was your right ear and three front teeth on the bottom."
• (Louise Fletcher) "I still carry your picture in my locket. Naturally, I had to cut off your head in case Paul found it."
• (Peter Falk) "Suddenly it all seems as though it was yesterday. I stood in that train station, I waited for you for over six hours. Then when your letter came, it started to rain. And I opened it, and the ink ran all over the page. The most important letter of my life -- I still don't know what the hell it said."
• (Louise Fletcher) "It said: "Dear Louis, I love you more than life itself. But to run off with you now, when my country is in danger, would be an act of cowardice. I'm marrying Paul DuChard, because; " and that's all I can remember."
• (Peter Falk) "You can't remember why you married him?"
• (Louise Fletcher) "That letter was written a long time ago; I've written thousands of letters since."

• (Louise Fletcher) "I now know that what was, was, and can never be was again."

Peter Falk as Lou Peckinpaugh

• (Peter Falk) "Don't call me for three days, and when you do, use your real name. By the way, what is it?"
• (Madeline Kahn) "Mary Jones. I swear it, Lou."
• (Peter Falk) "Well, change it. It sounds phony."

• (Peter Falk) "You mean you married your own father?"
• (Madeline Kahn) "It's not like you think. It was a simple wedding, done very tastefully."
• (Peter Falk) "I'm sure it was. If you could just give me his name --"
• (Madeline Kahn) "Vladimir Tserijemiwtz."
• (Peter Falk) "Vladimir Tserijemiwtz. How do you spell that?"
• (Madeline Kahn) "I'm not sure. Well, we were never that close."

• (Peter Falk) "Being a private eye may not be much, but we do have a code of honor. It's all right to fool around with your partner's wife, but once he's dead it makes it all so dirty. That's the way it is, angel. You marry yourself a nice guy, have a couple of swell kids. Once you're all set up and happy, maybe we can fool around again."

• (Peter Falk) "You said on the phone last night, sir, that you thought that I could be of some service to you."
• (Ann-Margret) "Just how good is your service?"
• (Peter Falk) "I try to satisfy."
• (Ann-Margret) "Do you charge by the hour or by the satisfaction?"

• (Peter Falk) "Tell me nothing happened. Even if you lie, I'll believe you."
• (Eileen Brennan) "Nothing happened."
• (Peter Falk) "It sounds worse than before."

• (Peter Falk) "Your husband's dead a little over an hour and you're already dressed in black? How long you had that outfit waiting in the closet?"
• (Marsha Mason) "You're wrong. I just bought it. There's an all-night widow shop at Fifth and Geary."

• (Peter Falk) "This is a gin sling."
• (John Houseman) "It is? I was wrong; the waiter's name is Brandy."

• (Peter Falk) "Miss De Vega, I presume."
• (Madeline Kahn) "Mr. Peckinpaugh, you look startled."
• (Peter Falk) "Oh, no, it's just that, uh, you look like -- fourteen other dames that was here the other night."
• (Madeline Kahn) "Yes, I know. They were my sister."
• (Peter Falk) "Well, that explains the resemblance."
• (Madeline Kahn) "Not to me; she was adopted."
• (Peter Falk) "Yeah? Well, so am I, but -- I don't look like your sister either."

• (Peter Falk) "You can pay, of course."
• (Fernando Lamas) "Ah, monsieur, we, we're not wealthy people. We lost over four million francs betting on the war."
• (Peter Falk) "Who'd you have?"
• (James Coco) "We took France; at eight to five."

• (Peter Falk) "No tip. There's been a death in the family."
• (Unnamed) "I wish it was you."

• (Peter Falk) "What you you doing here?"
• (Eileen Brennan) "I missed my boat."
• (Peter Falk) "It doesn't sail until tomorrow."
• (Eileen Brennan) "So I missed it a little early."

• (Peter Falk) "Don't be stubborn, you crazy Frenchman. Time is on their side."
• (Stockard Channing) "I don't think he's being stubborn; I think he's being dead."
• (Peter Falk) "Just once I'd like to see somebody die regular on this case."

• (Peter Falk) "Hello, Marlene. Long time no see."
• (Louise Fletcher) "Hello, Louis. No see in long time."

• (Peter Falk) "Yeah?"
• (Marsha Mason) "Lou, it's Georgia."
• (Peter Falk) "Oh, hello, Georgia. I just had you on my mind. What's new, kid?"
• (Marsha Mason) "Floyd is dead."
• (Peter Falk) "Say that again?"
• (Marsha Mason) "Lou, it's Georgia."
• (Peter Falk) "No, after that."
• (Marsha Mason) "Floyd is dead."

Vic Tayback as Lieutenant DiMaggio

• (Vic Tayback) "What did you and Merkle argue about last Monday night?"
• (Marsha Mason) "It's all right. Tell them, darling."
• (Peter Falk) "Don't call me darling in front of the police with a dead husband."

James Coco as Marcel

• (James Coco) "Gentlemen, may I present Miss Betty DeBoop from the Islands?"
• (Nicol Williamson) "Caribbean or Virgin?"
• (Eileen Brennan) "Well, let's just say I came back a Caribbean."

• (James Coco) "I'm sorry, I thought you were alone."
• (Peter Falk) "I tried it that way. It's not as much fun alone."

Nicol Williamson as Colonel Schlissel

• (Nicol Williamson) "What a pleasant surprise, Mr. DuChard."
• (Fernando Lamas) "So, the Black Fox and the Silver Wolf meet again, eh?"
• (Nicol Williamson) "And of course, you remember the Gray Rabbit and the Blue Chipmunk."
• (Fernando Lamas) "May I present my wife Marlene."
• (Nicol Williamson) "The White Swan. Of course. It is always the most courageous of men who wins the most beautiful women, but it is only the ruthless who get to keep them."
• (Louise Fletcher) "And it is a thousand candles that will burn for every brave soldier that marches to the steps of the drums of liberty, so that tyranny will never trample the spirit of freedom in the hearts of men, throughout a world thrown into darkness and despair."
• (Nicol Williamson) "Well spoken; whatever it means. Ah, may I present Miss DeBoop, like yourselves a well-built exile?"
• (Eileen Brennan) "Hi, honey. Don't let the Heinie get you down."
• (Louise Fletcher) "It is despots and tryants who run our rivers red with the colors of a hundred trampled flags that unfurl in the winds of liberty, blowing over centuries of deprivation --"
• (Fernando Lamas) "It's all right, darling, we made our point."
• (Louise Fletcher) "-- where men who have known treachery and treason can still light torches in the caves of honor --"

Stockard Channing as Bess

• (Stockard Channing) "You have a visitor in there, a Miss Sophie De Vega."
• (Peter Falk) "Pretty?"
• (Stockard Channing) "Prettier than me, but I'm easier."
• (Peter Falk) "I'm saving you for the rainy season."

• (Stockard Channing) "Hold onto your hat. Vladimir Tserijemiwtz is Ezra C.V. Mildew Dezire Jr.."
• (Peter Falk) "Wait a minute. Tserijemiwtz has two T's. The name you come up with don't have none."
• (Stockard Channing) "That was the whole key. Some people spell the Czar of Russia T-S-A-R. But in America we spell it C-Z-A-R."
• (Peter Falk) "Any fool knows that."
• (Stockard Channing) "So when I tried the American spelling, I came up with Ezra --"
• (Peter Falk) "-- C.V. Mildew Dezire Jr.."
• (Peter Falk) "Of course.; Who the hell is he?"
• (Stockard Channing) "The owner of the Golden Gate Bridge."
• (Peter Falk) "Right. You did fine, angel. Now forget you ever heard that name. Don't ever repeat it to anyone."
• (Stockard Channing) "Hello?; Yes, he is. Who's calling, please?"
• (Stockard Channing) "It's him. Ezra C.V. Mildew Dezire Jr.."
• (Peter Falk) "I told you not to repeat it."

John Houseman as Jasper Blubber

• (John Houseman) "And what is the charge, may I ask?"
• (Vic Tayback) "The murder of Floyd Merkle and five unimportant people."

• (John Houseman) "You drink, of course?"
• (Peter Falk) "Why not?"
• (John Houseman) "One gin sling."
• (Peter Falk) "I'd rather have a brandy."
• (John Houseman) "Won Jin Sling is the waiter. One brandy, Won Jin Sling."

• (John Houseman) "The murderer is a Rumanian sailor by the name of Vladimir Tserijemiwtz."
• (Peter Falk) "Can you say that again?"
• (John Houseman) "Not without spitting.; Well, sir, I have spent sixteen years, and every penny I have, sir, tracking this man down, and at last I have found him. He is here in San Francisco, just as sure as you're sitting there. He's changed his name by making an anagram out of his original name. Seven years I've tried to unscramble it, to no avail."

Ann-Margret as Jezebel Dezire

• (Ann-Margret) "Just, mmm, a few trinkets and bourbles."
• (Peter Falk) "Trinkets and what?"
• (Ann-Margret) "Bourbles. You know, like "bourbles and bangles.""
• (Peter Falk) "The word you're looking for, Mrs. Dezire, is "baubles." If you were an American you would know that. But the fact is, it's only Romanians that pronounce it "bourbles". And that's why it's difficult for you, isn't it; Mrs. Vladimir Tserijemiwtz?"
• (Ann-Margret) "Oooh, ungh."
• (Ann-Margret) "I told you we would not get away with it. I told you it was stupid idea. I told you I could not say "bourbles". You are pretty fast on your tippy-toes, Mr. Peckinbush."
• (Sid Caesar) "But not quite tippy-toe enough."
• (Sid Caesar) "Yes, Mr. Peckinpaugh. Is very clever how you figured out that I am Vladimir Tsijeremi; Tsijiza; Ts-Tsetsamuncze; Tsetzunseti; It's been so long since I said it, I forgot how to pronounce it. How does it go?"
• (Peter Falk) "Tserijemiwtz."

• (Ann-Margret) "See anything you like? I'm Jezebel Dezire; accent on the "desire.""
• (Peter Falk) "How do you do? I'm Peck Loukinpaugh."
• (Ann-Margret) "Don't worry. I do that to everyone -- even to myself."

• (Ann-Margret) "Won't you join me in a little drinkie? What's your pleasure?"
• (Peter Falk) "Uh, what you got there looks good."
• (Ann-Margret) "I know -- but I thought you'd like a little drink first."

Fernando Lamas as Paul DuChard

• (Fernando Lamas) "You, uh, you went to his apartment that night, didn't you?"
• (Louise Fletcher) "Yes. I'm sorry, Paul. How long have you known Louis and I are lovers?"
• (Fernando Lamas) "I didn't know until you told me just now. I thought you went there looking for me."
• (Louise Fletcher) "Yes. That's why I went there. I made up the part about us being lovers because I know you don't like me looking for you."
• (Fernando Lamas) "Oh."

• (Fernando Lamas) "Anything wrong?"
• (Peter Falk) "Oh, no, no. No, it's, uh, my mistake here, uh. For a second here I thought that this young lady was a girl that I knew in France; I was wrong; the girl I know is dead."
• (Fernando Lamas) "Oh, a natural error, monsieur. My wife has been mistaken for dead girls by many men."

Eileen Brennan as Betty DeBoop

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