The Cable Guy Quotes

The Cable Guy is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . The Cable Guy stopped airing in 1970.

It features Judd Apatow as producer, John Ottman in charge of musical score, and Robert Brinkmann as head of cinematography.

The Cable Guy is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Cable Guy is 96 minutes long. The Cable Guy is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Jim Carrey as Chip Douglas, Matthew Broderick as Steven, Ben Stiller as Sam Sweet, Matthew Broderick as Steven Kovacs, Andy Dick as Medieval Times host, Jack Black as Rick, and Leslie Mann as Robin Harris.

The Cable Guy Quotes

Jim Carrey as Chip Douglas

• (Jim Carrey) "You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink -- just kidding. That's my humor."

• (Jim Carrey) "Nice jump, Spider-Man."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hard --"
• (Leslie Mann) "Erection?"
• (Jim Carrey) "No. But thanks for noticing."

• (Jim Carrey) "Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz. "Bad boys, bad boys -- whatcha gonna do?""

• (Jim Carrey) "Come back here, so that I may brain thee."

• (Jim Carrey) "Call it one guy doing another guy a solid."
• (Matthew Broderick) "That is so nice."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well you're a nice guy. You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a god**** plumber or somethin'."

• (Jim Carrey) "What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'."

• (Jim Carrey) "He who hesitates, masturbates."

• (Jim Carrey) "I just wanna hang out. NO BIG DEAL."

• (Jim Carrey) "I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants."

• (Jim Carrey) "Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus."

• (Jim Carrey) "Awwwww s***."

• (Jim Carrey) "Cable guy."
• (Jim Carrey) "Cably Guy? Cable Guy."
• (Jim Carrey) "Cabla goobla."

• (Jim Carrey) "The future is now. Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities."

• (Jim Carrey) "Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules."

• (Jim Carrey) "You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music."

• (Jim Carrey) "This concludes our broadcast day. Click."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could."
• (Matthew Broderick) "What's your real name?"
• (Jim Carrey) "It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Why are you doing this to me?"
• (Jim Carrey) "I didn't do this to you, you did this to you."

• (Jim Carrey) "The blue knight rules. The red knight sucks the big one. Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later."

• (Jim Carrey) "HI. Is there a problem with your service?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Yeah, my cable is out."
• (Jim Carrey) "Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?"

• (Jim Carrey) "It was my treat."
• (Matthew Broderick) "What do you mean it was your treat?"
• (Jim Carrey) "You know, I bought this time. You buy next time -- Don't let your eggs get cold."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Buy what?"
• (Jim Carrey) "What do you mean 'buy what'? The women."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Do -- do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?"

• (Jim Carrey) "Reality isn't 'Father Knows Best' anymore. It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe grip Kodiak work boot, a trip to the hospital, bloodied and bashed, for reconstructive surgery."

• (Jim Carrey) "I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah -- has that ever happened to you? Anyway -- call me, we'll talk about it."

• (Jim Carrey) "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter."

• (Jim Carrey) "I'll juice ya up."

• (Jim Carrey) "You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me. I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable. I am a Lost Cunningham. I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life. Oh God."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back."

• (Jim Carrey) "You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn."

• (Jim Carrey) "Wake up lil snoozy. Smell the smelling salts."

• (Jim Carrey) "Don't you get it? Someone has to save all the other cable boys and girls, someone has to kill the babysitter."

• (Jim Carrey) "I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same."

Matthew Broderick as Steven Kovacs

• (Matthew Broderick) "You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name."
• (Jim Carrey) "You really wanna know my name? You do?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Sure."
• (Jim Carrey) "It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Um -- Goodbye."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Can I get a knife or fork?"
• (Wench) "There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?"
• (Wench) "Dude, I got a lot of tables."

• (Matthew Broderick) "What's going on?"
• (Jim Carrey) "It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Is this a normal part of the show?"
• (Jim Carrey) "No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Is it safe?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?"
• (Jack Black) "Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy."

• (Matthew Broderick) "The cable guy is missing in action."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Apparantly he is gonna be here between eight a.m. and my death."

• (Matthew Broderick) "What are you doing?"
• (Jim Carrey) "I'm just talking trash."
• (Matthew Broderick) "You ruined the game."
• (Jim Carrey) "I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way --"
• (Matthew Broderick) "What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Hey, wait, come back."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well look who decided to show."
• (Matthew Broderick) "You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago."
• (Jim Carrey) "Was I? So I'm the tardy one?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF. I'm just jokin' with ya."

• (Matthew Broderick) "You know, my brother is a speech therapist."
• (Jim Carrey) "Tho?"

• (Unnamed) "If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time."
• (The Cable Guy) "This is our destiny."
• (Matthew Broderick) "No it's not."
• (The Cable Guy) "Yes it is."
• (Matthew Broderick) "No it isn't."
• (The Cable Guy) "Yes it is."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Isn't."
• (The Cable Guy) "T'is."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Isn't."
• (The Cable Guy) "T'is."

• (Matthew Broderick) "You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up."
• (Jim Carrey) "No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance. Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I hate you. Get out of my life."
• (Jim Carrey) "He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go."
• (Leslie Mann) "No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out."

• (The Cable Guy) "Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold."
• (Matthew Broderick) "You're right. That's incredibly insightful."
• (The Cable Guy) "I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show."

• (The Cable Guy) "Pretty smooth work. I set 'em up, you knock 'em down."
• (Matthew Broderick) "What?"
• (The Cable Guy) "Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up."
• (Matthew Broderick) "How do you know we're back together?"
• (The Cable Guy) "Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I don't want you messing with my life."
• (The Cable Guy) "I know. I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you."
• (The Cable Guy) "So what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand. I'm going to have to work extra hard to not screw this relationship up again. You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. Okay?"
• (The Cable Guy) "So, what are you trying to say?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "I don't want to be your friend."

• (Matthew Broderick) "You're right. That's incredibly insightful."
• (Jim Carrey) "I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show."

• (The Cable Guy) "Cable Guy."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Oh, s***."
• (The Cable Guy) "Caable Guuuy."
• (Matthew Broderick) "I'm coming."
• (The Cable Guy) "Caaable guuuy."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Don't leave."
• (The Cable Guy) "Jesu Cristo."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?"
• (Jim Carrey) "You mean illegal cable?"
• (Matthew Broderick) "Um -- Yeah."
• (Jim Carrey) "Who told you that? What is his name? I want it."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Just forget it."
• (Jim Carrey) "You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility."
• (Matthew Broderick) "No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it."
• (Jim Carrey) "I'm just jerking your chain. Ha ha ha. The look on your face. Ha ha, you are too easy."
• (Jim Carrey) "Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up."

• (Matthew Broderick) "I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things that I think you want to hear. And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you."
• (Leslie Mann) "Oh."

• (Matthew Broderick) "Dammit. Son of a bitch. The cable's out."

Andy Dick as Medieval Times host

• (Andy Dick) "Preferred customer my ASS."

Ben Stiller as Sam Sweet

• (Ben Stiller) "Oh my God. Oh my God. My twin brother has been shot. I think it was an Asian gang or something -- There was this guy, he looked Asian -- and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was -- Asian."

Jack Black as Rick

• (Jack Black) "I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu"."
• (Matthew Broderick) "Carmine from Laverne & Shirley."
• (Jack Black) "That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched."
• (Matthew Broderick) "So -- He doesn't even work for the cable company."
• (Jack Black) "Yahtzee. They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up tight."

• (Jack Black) "Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well, don't dig too deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava."

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