The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Quotes

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . The Adventures of Ford Fairlane ended in 1970.

It features Steve Perry, and Joel Silver as producer, Cliff Eidelman; Yello in charge of musical score, and Oliver Wood (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is 102 minutes long. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Andrew Dice Clay as Ford Fairlane, Priscilla Presley as Colleen Sutton, Morris Day as Don Cleveland, Ed O'Neill as Lt. Amos, Lauren Holly as Jazz, Robert Englund as Smiley, Maddie Corman as Zuzu Petals, Andrew Dice Clay as Ford Fairelaine, Wayne Newton as Julian Grendel, and Gilbert Gottfried as Johnny Crunch.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Quotes

Andrew Dice Clay as Ford Fairlane

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too MUCH."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Do my dishes."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Have a twinkie, snapperhead."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Yo. Snapperhead."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "hibb -- hibbdy -- Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "My hair. My hair."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I almost s*** a Miata."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "'ello, 'ello -- f***face."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I'm very rich. Nothing offends me. I mean, no s***, honey. You got a whip sticking out of your ass and a guy that's f***ing barking."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "What -- you didn't really think we'd kill the f***in' koala bear, now did ya?"

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Un-f***ing-believable."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?"
• (Unnamed) "Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "No s***, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?"

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Clint Eastwood -- I f***ed 'im."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "You guys a band?"
• (Punk Gunslinger) "Yeah, sure."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "You got a name?"
• (Punk Gunslinger) "Yeah -- pain."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Pain, huh?"
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Kooky."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "f***" again and I'll bang you right to f***. Now get the f*** out of here."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "It's alright. If you fall, I'll make it."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "What the f*** is mano e mano? use your head. Snappa Head."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw --"

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "How much?"
• (Unnamed) "300."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "300? You charged the chicks one."
• (Unnamed) "Hey, they blew me."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Heh. 300 coming up."

• (Amiable Tourist) "Excuse me. Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese Theatre?"
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Go back to Michigan, asswipe."
• (Amiable Tourist) "Oh, we're from Wisconsin."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Get out of here."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) ""Move, stupid.""

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?"

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want."

• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish."

Robert Englund as Smiley

• (Robert Englund) "No thanks. I've got me own."

• (Robert Englund) "Alright -- If that's the way you want it."

• (Robert Englund) "You're breaking me heart -- What's the point?"

• (Robert Englund) "'ello, 'ello."

• (Robert Englund) "Your assistant is quite special. I look forward to raping her at your funeral."

• (Robert Englund) "Ford, I'll take her with me, I swear I will."

Ed O'Neill as Lt. Amos

• (Ed O'Neill) "You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women --"
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "You got to admit those are pretty good reasons --"

• (Ed O'Neill) "I can't believe anybody can have so much f***ing fun in a funeral, Fairlane."

• (Ed O'Neill) "See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you."
• (Ed O'Neill) "No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Spam."

• (Ed O'Neill) "Are you calling me an asshole, asshole?"
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "No, I'm calling you an anus, anus."

• (Ed O'Neill) "Two words. "Disco Express.""
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like --"
• (Ed O'Neill) "Like ME, right?"
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like s***, but -- he looked like you."

Lauren Holly as Jazz

• (Lauren Holly) "Well, that weekend was a mistake."
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?"

Morris Day as Don Cleveland

• (Morris Day) "You got to shave before you leave the house in a dress like that -- and I don't mean your legs."

• (Morris Day) "Will someone tell me what the f*** is going on here, slowly?"
• (Maddie Corman) "Well -- it -- all -- started -- with -- this -- condom -- factory --"

• (Morris Day) "With friends like you, who needs enemas?"

Wayne Newton as Julian Grendel

• (Wayne Newton) "My mother used to say -- "If you can't say something nice about someone, make sure they're out of the god**** room.""

Priscilla Presley as Colleen Sutton

• (Priscilla Presley) "Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?"
• (Andrew Dice Clay) "I don't know, I never met your father."

Gilbert Gottfried as Johnny Crunch

• (Gilbert Gottfried) "If there are any teenage virgins listening, show up at KDRT right now with a jar of petroleum jelly, and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch."

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