That '70s Show (season 8) Quotes

That '70s Show is a TV program that debuted in 2005 on Fox Broadcasting Company. That '70s Show completed its run in 2006.

That '70s Show lasted 22 episodes.

The cast includes: Laura Prepon as Donna Pinciotti, Ashton Kutcher as Michael Kelso, Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman, Topher Grace as Eric, Mila Kunis as Jackie Burkhardt, Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde, Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman, Laura Prepon as Midge Pinciotti, Ashton Kutcher as Kelso, Wilmer Valderrama as Fez, Tim Reid as All, Kurtwood Smith as Red, Laura Prepon as Donna, Jim Rash as Fenton, Tommy Chong as Leo, Don Stark as Bob Pinciotti, Josh Meyers as Rhonda, Laura Prepon as Nina, Josh Meyers as Randy Pearson, Mila Kunis as Burt, Bret Harrison as Earl, Allison Munn as Caroline, Danny Masterson as Edna Hyde, Topher Grace as Bernice Forman, Tim Reid as Annette, Mary Tyler Moore as Chris, Allison Munn as Roy, and Kurtwood Smith as Red Foreman.

That '70s Show Quotes

Topher Grace as Eric

• (Topher Grace) "Hey Dad, you know who has the right idea? Russia."

• (Topher Grace) "Ooooh, why do I have to wear the stupid helmet?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Because you're stupid."

• (Topher Grace) "Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin' --"

• (Topher Grace) "You know, mom, there comes an age in a boy's life when the baby talk stops working. Yeah, when it does, it just gives a boy the urge to kill."

• (Topher Grace) "Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Maybe he's, like, religious."
• (Danny Masterson) "Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde."
• (Danny Masterson) "Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Sully must love bingo."
• (Topher Grace) "All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Then who's car is it?"

• (Topher Grace) "Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is --"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out?"
• (Topher Grace) "Donna? No."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh. Well you pissed me off so I'm locking you out."

• (Topher Grace) "So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid."

• (Topher Grace) "Did Stacey actually use the word 'freak'?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you, is because you just don't let things go. Stacey was saying just that thing today."

• (Topher Grace) "You smell great. What did you do?"
• (Laura Prepon) "I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time."
• (Topher Grace) "Hey I do the same thing in the shower."
• (Laura Prepon) "What?"
• (Topher Grace) "Nothing."

• (Topher Grace) "Keep it down, you guys. If my dad finds out we're going to Canada, for beer, he won't be happy."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "All right. Canada. Wooooooo. Beer."

• (Topher Grace) "My head hurts."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity."

• (Topher Grace) "Well, Donna and I are back together."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, good, did you two talk things out?"
• (Topher Grace) "Actually we -- yeah, we talked things out."
• (Danny Masterson) "More like grunted."
• (Topher Grace) "Shut up."
• (Danny Masterson) "Okay man, give me all the details."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, there will be detail o'plenty, in my steamy letter to Penthouse."
• (Topher Grace) "And my mom's still here isn't she?"

• (Topher Grace) "Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's -- Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there."

• (Topher Grace) "Hello, mother? This is your son, Eric. I am not feeling well."

• (Topher Grace) "Panties. Glorious panties."

• (Topher Grace) "Donna, it's just a movie."
• (Topher Grace) "Do you want to sit somewhere else?"
• (Laura Prepon) "So bad."

• (Topher Grace) "So, Kitty, Eric tells me you quit smoking."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Yes. Yes, I did, and I feel great."
• (Topher Grace) "That's great."

• (Topher Grace) "I think I have everything. I got the keys, the cash, my "Who am I kidding?" condom --"

• (Topher Grace) "Look at the symptoms -- temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair -- Uh oh, Dad, I think you have menopause."

• (Topher Grace) "I got two words for you. Donna Kelso."
• (Topher Grace) "Come on. Think of the children. Little red headed morons."

• (Topher Grace) "I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Not since she's stopped drinking."
• (Topher Grace) "What?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Nothing."

• (Topher Grace) "What kind of moron leaves the keys in the ignition?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge."

• (Topher Grace) "You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee."

• (The Angel) "Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop; the '80s."
• (Topher Grace) "What was that?"
• (The Angel) "You'll find out."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, it's my mom."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You two make me sick."
• (Topher Grace) "And she's talking like my dad."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed."

• (Topher Grace) "Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "This is the proudest moment of my life."
• (Danny Masterson) "It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art."

• (Topher Grace) "I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out; he keeps calling me a stupid duck."
• (Topher Grace) "Ahhhhh."

• (Topher Grace) "I really want to do it with her."
• (Laura Prepon) "I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I know what you mean."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "It's Donna."
• (Mila Kunis) "I know what you mean."
• (Mila Kunis) "It's Eric."
• (Unnamed) "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
• (Unnamed) "Nothing."
• (Topher Grace) "I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh, yeah. We do it all the time."
• (Laura Prepon) "I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?"
• (Mila Kunis) "No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it."

• (Topher Grace) "That would be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby. How ? ". I'm just going to stop right there."

• (Topher Grace) "Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter."

• (Topher Grace) "People are going to think I'm really like that."
• (Laura Prepon) "Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that."
• (Girl #1) "Cat killer."
• (Girl #2) "Bastard."
• (Girl #1) "Porn freak."
• (Laura Prepon) "OK, they could be talking about anybody."
• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat."

• (Topher Grace) "What happened between you two?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting."
• (Jim Rash) "If you mean old and cracked, I agree."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'll see you in hell."
• (Jim Rash) "I'll be wearing your pants."

• (Topher Grace) "I got a feeling I'm forgetting something --"
• (Danny Masterson) "Looks like you got everything but a tall redhead."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, what guy doesn't love a tall redhead oh my god I forgot Donna."

• (Topher Grace) "Tell me again Kelso how is this car baby friendly"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Because its tiny -- like a baby"

• (Topher Grace) "Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass."

• (Topher Grace) "Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey. Who am I kidding after I can't pay for Donna's engagement ring nobody's gonna be in love with me honey. Why must you mock me Ann Murray?"

• (Topher Grace) "I got a B."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You couldn't get an A?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper."
• (Topher Grace) "Why does he get a duper?"

• (Topher Grace) "Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "A collector never stops collecting, Eric."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, look at her."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, I made out with her once."
• (Topher Grace) "I don't want my tongue anywhere near where Kelso's tongue has been."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh -- then you better stay away from your mom."

• (Topher Grace) "I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America."

• (Topher Grace) "I went to the prom with Big Rhonda ?"

• (Topher Grace) "God, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch?"

• (Topher Grace) "Look at me. I weigh 80 pounds. Do you know why I'm bald? It's because my body is eating its own hair."

• (Topher Grace) "Hyde, without Donna, I've reverted to my natural state. I'm dirty, I'm lazy, and I don't wear pants. I'm like you now."
• (Danny Masterson) "No, see, I'm an original. You're a convert."
• (Topher Grace) "Strong words coming from a guy wearing pants."

• (Topher Grace) "You know, Donna, failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents. A lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty."
• (Laura Prepon) "You know what Eric? You're right. Let's have sex right now."
• (Topher Grace) "Really?"
• (Laura Prepon) "No."
• (Topher Grace) "Stop doing that."

• (Topher Grace) "So, do you feel like coming over for dinner?"
• (Stacey) "I don't know. Will your dad be there?"
• (Topher Grace) "Why? You like my dad?"
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, my God. You like my dad?"
• (Stacey) "Do you know if he's seeing anyone?"
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah. My mom."

• (Topher Grace) "Don't worry; I have a plan."
• (Topher Grace) "GO -- AWAY."
• (Laura Prepon) "That's it? That's your plan? That's not a good plan."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah -- no, that's the plan. I mean, we're completely naked. He'll -- probably just go away."
• (Topher Grace) "Crap. Have you seen my pants?"

• (Topher Grace) "This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?"
• (Topher Grace) "Because he had a smart mouth?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "That's right."

• (Topher Grace) "Wait, this isn't like the time that you bought a hamster, named it virginity, and then lost it?"

• (Topher Grace) "You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun."

• (Topher Grace) "So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, does this hickey look fictional?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Nope, it's real."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "How can you tell?"
• (Laura Prepon) "It's too small to be the vacuum cleaner hose like last time."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, leggo my Eggo."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, leggo my foot in your ass."

• (Topher Grace) "You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer."
• (Laura Prepon) "No I couldn't. I want you. I need you."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, I never turn down a woman in need."
• (Laura Prepon) "You know, being here in you bed. On your -- SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing."
• (Topher Grace) "Then call me Able."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, a little mood music."
• (Topher Grace) "Damn."
• (Laura Prepon) "What's wrong?"
• (Topher Grace) "Aggh."
• (Topher Grace) "I mean -- hey baby."

• (Topher Grace) "Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids."

• (Topher Grace) "Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce? My God, she's Jackie."
• (Laura Prepon) "A new Jackie."
• (Topher Grace) "A blonde Jackie."
• (Laura Prepon) "Blackie."
• (Laura Prepon) "We are doomed."

• (Topher Grace) "Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Who you planning to fight?"
• (Topher Grace) "David Milbank."
• (Don Stark) "David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma."
• (Don Stark) "You could take him."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, come on now, Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso? I don't work for his dad."
• (Topher Grace) "He's making a move on Donna."
• (Don Stark) "Oh, no. No. No. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy. No. No. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "All right. All right. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable."
• (Don Stark) "Oh. Oh. And hit him with a banjo."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "A banjo, Bob?"
• (Don Stark) "What? I'm helping."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Where's he gonna get a banjo?"
• (Don Stark) "I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hitting a guy with a banjo, is dirty."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You wanna knee him in the groin."
• (Don Stark) "You can hit him in the groin with a banjo."

• (Topher Grace) "It's as if at that moment Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti ceased to exist and merged into one perfect being -- Donneric Forciotti."

• (Topher Grace) "Laurie was born with a tail."
• (Laurie Forman) "I hate you."

• (Topher Grace) "I forgot my mom's birthday."
• (Danny Masterson) "Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday."
• (Topher Grace) "If you remembered, then why didn't you tell me?"
• (Danny Masterson) "How would that be funny?"

• (Topher Grace) "Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch."

• (Topher Grace) "Did you tell anybody we're engaged?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged."
• (Topher Grace) "Ok, no need to be sarcastic."
• (Laura Prepon) "No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged."

• (Topher Grace) "Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds."
• (Topher Grace) "But, Mom -- SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT."

• (Topher Grace) "Laurie saved up all her money so she could buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone by the way."

• (Topher Grace) "You want to know what I did when we were broken up, Donna? Here."
• (Mitch Miller) "These all have minor errors in the build. Yeah, he built these all right."

• (Topher Grace) "And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and goes WOOSH and he chops this guard's arm right off. Cause it's a saber that's made out of light."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie."

• (Topher Grace) "Leo, you sell promise rings?"
• (Tommy Chong) "Yeah, man. I sell rings and -- other stuff."
• (Topher Grace) "Ohh -- We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff."

• (Topher Grace) "What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?"
• (Mila Kunis) "I'm pregnant."
• (Laura Prepon) "Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?"
• (Topher Grace) "Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else."
• (Laura Prepon) "Dirt. I swear. Now tell me."
• (Topher Grace) "Not here."
• (Topher Grace) "Jackie's pregnant."

• (Topher Grace) "So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together."
• (Danny Masterson) "See, this is why your country lost the war."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My country never fought a war."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, big surprise."

• (Lance Crawford) "Hello, Eric. Your father and I were just discussing how unrealistically space travel is portrayed in "Star Wars"."
• (Topher Grace) "It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away -- look, you either buy it or you don't."

Wilmer Valderrama as Fez

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us."
• (Topher Grace) "That's great, Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't worry Kelso the puberty bunny will visit you soon."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Guys, I'm in pain."
• (Laura Prepon) "Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN."
• (Laura Prepon) "Eww."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?"
• (Tommy Chong) "Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking."
• (Danny Masterson) "Leo -- Once again -- You are the boss."
• (Tommy Chong) "And, I'm not looking."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You don't like me because I'm not from here."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Do you know what's a good job for me -- Gigolo. The loving is over. Now pay me."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Some people call me the space cowboy --"
• (Topher Grace) "No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy."
• (Danny Masterson) "Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Okay, that's it. You must let me in."
• (The Bouncer) "Why?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Because I feel the hard rhythm of disco burning in my loins."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Two-hoo."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ah, screw it."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ow, my tooth. Oh, why did I have to bite it?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you."
• (Topher Grace) "Really?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes, but this is America. Wuss."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Caroline, I have to break up with you."
• (Allison Munn) "Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "No -- um -- it's because -- Donna and I are in love."
• (Allison Munn) "WHAT?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Ewww --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Please tell her, Donna -- Please?"
• (Laura Prepon) "What if she tries to kill me?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You're a giant, you can take her."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- You know what I mean --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- I mean you pee it out."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you"."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared."
• (Mila Kunis) "Why is he scared?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Because you're scary."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?"
• (Danny Masterson) "There's no such thing as too much, Fez."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Aw, thanks, Fez."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric."
• (Danny Masterson) "So what?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "So it's the saddest story in the world."
• (Danny Masterson) "You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Jackie you seem different. I don't know if its your hair, your outfit -- Or your red puffy eyes."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is -- sturdy. I want to climb her."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Rhonda, I thought we'd start our evening with a hot-dog eating contest. Now, I know you're the State Hot Dog Eating Champion, but I think I can make it interesting."
• (Josh Meyers) "Sorry, Fez, I don't eat food for money OR glory any more."
• (Josh Meyers) "It's not ladylike."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look at this, Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared -- like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well, that's Canada -- Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Need a refill?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Sure. Thanks."
• (Mila Kunis) "When did they get a house boy?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Stop touching each other. It gives me needs --"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fez, that's not your car."
• (Mila Kunis) "Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, you better do what he says. I've been on the other side of Fenton's stick. And trust me, that is not the side you wanna be on."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "No, Donna, please don't crush me, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Breasts."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh. How big are your breasts?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "This is Fez. Who is this?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?"
• (Topher Grace) "I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister."
• (Danny Masterson) "How long have you two been planning that line out?"
• (Topher Grace) "For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Who are you?"
• (Josh Meyers) "Fez, it's me Rhonda."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?"
• (Josh Meyers) "No. It's not kosher."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Who said?"
• (Josh Meyers) "They did."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, really?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?"
• (Laura Prepon) "I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee."
• (Mila Kunis) "You said she was a sasquatch."
• (Laura Prepon) "So did you."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, what a glorious man-ring."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I choose boobs."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it."
• (Danny Masterson) "Nice."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy -- just like my Rhonda."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't resist me, Mama. It's boogie time."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Oh, my God, Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, my God, Donna."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't worry, just turn on the charm --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, nice honkers."
• (Laura Prepon) "Get out of here."

• (Mr. Wilkinson) "Bloody hell- is that my mailbox?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Bloody hell is that me mailbox?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks for getting me out of jail you 2 sons of 2 bitches."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm confused. What's going on?"
• (Danny Masterson) "You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "There's a tornado coming. Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin."
• (Josh Meyers) "-- Not if I have anything to say about it."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You can talk all you want, there's a tornado coming."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it."
• (Danny Masterson) "I'm going to the Vineyard."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Good for you."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake."
• (Topher Grace) "Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?"
• (Laura Prepon) "That's my sister. And, she's 14."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know, in my country --"
• (Danny Masterson) "It's illegal here."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "That's not a tater tot -- that's a tater giant."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, and guess what? They looked into my records and discovered my visa expires after I graduate from high school. That means I'm going to be deported. Thanks a lot, you guys. Now I have to relearn my native language."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I like my women like I like my wine; red and full of alcohol."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Mmm -- liquid candy."

Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I want to have a baby."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I don't have to have a reason. It's right. I'm your mother. Now move."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Bed checks, here we come."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Shh, Kitty, you're warning them."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your doll?"
• (Topher Grace) "ACTION FIGURE -- uh-oh."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, there's someone here to see you."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, if this is another one of dad's Marine Corps recruiters I swear I'm running away."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm your man."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Don't yell at the customers."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm -- kinda your man."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "And smile."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You need another man."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, Michael may have an incredible built and movie-star good looks. But, you're much smarter."
• (Topher Grace) "Why didn't you say that when everyone was around?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, I didn't want anybody to feel bad."
• (Topher Grace) "Good job."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I don't know how to say this -- Daddy's gone to a better place."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Good, 'cause this hospital sucks."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "What?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh. (whispering) This hospital sucks."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I need someone who can take evil"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "How's mama's girl? I have a job for you."
• (Laurie Forman) "Not interested."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It pays 10 dollars."
• (Laurie Forman) "I'll do anything for ten dollars."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "For once that's a good thing."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yes. And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "OK."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, that was bad."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I know, keep walking."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red's mother is coming."
• (Laura Prepon) "What's that pet name she has for you?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Whore."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, Red you do care."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You know I love my family. But sometimes, I just want to get in my car and run them all over."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I feel like I'm forgetting something --"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, my God, I forgot your mom."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh. And to think how close we came to losing the house."
• (Topher Grace) "Losing the-mom, you said we were fine."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, Eric, honey, I lied."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You're my special little baby boy."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom. We talked about this. I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a man --"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Okay -- My special little baby man."
• (Topher Grace) "You are so lucky that your mom's a runaway alcoholic."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Steven's father is in town?"
• (Laurie Forman) "Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Do you know anything about this?"
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah. She's a bitch."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, you should go with your father."
• (Topher Grace) "But, mom --"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "No buts. You two don't spend enough time together."
• (Topher Grace) "That's because he doesn't like me."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "How's it going?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's the Russians."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Sex, it's not dirty."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It's not clean either."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "G.I. Joe."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I trust you two to make the right choice."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "No, I trust you to make the right choice and bring her with you."

• (Ricky) "Forman, who told you you could go on break?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I did."
• (Ricky) "And who are you?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I'm his mother."
• (Ricky) "Good enough."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Ok, who likes dark meat?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Where's my brown sugar?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm right here, sweetie pie."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red hates you."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You gave him a heart attack."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just -- exploded."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember now, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow who never calls a child 'dumbass.'"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You kids change partners more than square dancers."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Dad, what is wrong with that woman?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary"."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "My parents are coming tomorrow."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, crap."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red."
• (Laura Prepon) "What's wrong with them."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's a complicated situation."
• (Topher Grace) "Grandma yells, grandpa drinks."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?"
• (Topher Grace) "Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, I'm 17."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I know. That's why I also brought you condoms."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Ehhhhhhh."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms."
• (Topher Grace) "I was wrong."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "He really shouldn't be here."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It's not so bad. Compared to Korea, this is Shangri-La wrapped in happy-fun candy."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Like a hippie."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Is there something you want to tell us?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Are you on dope? Are you?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization --"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "-- my foot kickin' your ass."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Where did you learn your parenting?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Korea."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, David's here."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, say something."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It's more fun than it looks."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter in their celery."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you.""

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Rosemary had a better baby than me."

• (Ms. McGee) "Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, look. He gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell is wrong with you?"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Steven, if you keep saying things like that it's gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about."
• (Danny Masterson) "Well, then, I'll just leave because it's just too easy. Just like Laurie."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You know, maybe Eric's test score is a blessing. It will be a good story when he's a senator."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Senator? The word you're looking for is JANITOR."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, pretty girls don't throw up."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I don't need to kiss some old lady's A-S-S on my holiday."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You heard what I spelled."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Now stop fighting and help me do this crossword. I need a 4-letter word for disappointment"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It fits --"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Wait. Are you saying you LIKE Randy?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No -- I'm just saying I don't hate him as much as I hate most people."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, Bob was very upset when he left here."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, we're all going through hard times. You're giving up your future. I'm giving up my schnapps."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "No. That's a lie."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "What?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "What?"

Don Stark as Bob Pinciotti

• (Don Stark) "Now be a good girl and sneak out some of them Jordan almonds for Daddy, okay?"
• (Laura Prepon) "No Dad, those are for the feminists."

• (Don Stark) "I didn't ask for a drink."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, I didn't ask to be born in a field."

• (Don Stark) "I don't get it. She didn't give me any sign, any warning."
• (Laura Prepon) "Dad, she kept saying "I'm unhappy and I'm going to leave"."
• (Don Stark) "Donna, that's just something married people say."

• (Don Stark) "I think I got Red's. The only words I can say are "Eric", "little" and a word that starts with mother."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh -- mother. That sounds nice."
• (Don Stark) "It's a hard left after."

• (Don Stark) "You know Red, that hurts."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "So does a swift kick in the ass."
• (Don Stark) "You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob."

• (Don Stark) "uh-heh"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "OK, Bob, What is it?"
• (Don Stark) "I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction."
• (Don Stark) "Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob."
• (Don Stark) "H -- Hold on Red. I -- I -- I could have been mistaken."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know what you saw. Get the damn gun."

• (Don Stark) "What are you, ashamed of me?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Well, look around, dad."
• (Don Stark) "Oh, I get it. But, let me tell you something. You see a clown, I see you in college. You see your dad dressed as a ringmaster, I see you in grad school. You see a monkey in a tutu -- Well that just makes me laugh."

• (Don Stark) "You're my best friend."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No I'm not."

Kurtwood Smith as Red

• (Kurtwood Smith) "That kid's on dope."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Michael Kelso scored higher than you on the test? This is the kid I saw super-glue his hand to his face."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Bob, that's my stuff. You put the hell back my stuff."
• (Don Stark) "Sorry, Red, it was in my part of the garage."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What's he talking about?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, let me talk to him."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Bob, get the hell out of my garage."
• (Don Stark) "Fine."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric's old enough to hear this kind of talk. Eric, say your job got transferred to Guada-Who-The-Hell-Cares. Would you vote for the guy that did that?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, Red, Ford didn't take away your job. He took Nixon's."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell is going on?"
• (Topher Grace) "Dad, it was just a prank that went wrong. Horribly -- horribly wrong."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Really? Well I have a prank too. One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, horribly wrong."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger."
• (Laurie Forman) "Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Look at me."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Do you have fever?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, is something bothering you?"
• (Topher Grace) "God, make it stop."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Nice shorts, Rainbow."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of -- telling people to stick it in their butts."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm proud of you."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "And that goes double for -- what the hell did you say?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, I think we should rethink our 'Don't throw Leo out on his ass policy.'"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven."
• (Tommy Chong) "-- and plus I can't find my shoes, man."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "For God's sake, Kitty, I'm not Santa Claus."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red. You scare the hell out of children."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I like the sound of a beer church."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Damn it. That's where I eat dinner."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Forman, party of two."
• (Unnamed) "Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Here's twenty bucks."
• (Unnamed) "Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?"
• (Unnamed) "Okay we have something right now."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know all that rent money you've been giving us? I've been putting it all in a bank account for your college fees -- or bail."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What's going on?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?"
• (Topher Grace) "That it's offensive to the Devil?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted."
• (Topher Grace) "See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "That thing was always messing in my yard and going through my trash."
• (Laurie Forman) "Now we have Hyde for that."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh yeah Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh that's right, the Packers."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why here? Why is it always here?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to --"
• (Topher Grace) "-- kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah --"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I want you to forget that I'm your father for a minute. I want you to tell me exactly what you think of me."
• (Topher Grace) "How about I do this when you don't have a gun?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What are you going to put on your resume; dumbass?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why is our house always infested with kids?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges."
• (Danny Masterson) "That was like eight burns in one sentence."
• (Laura Prepon) "An octo-burn. Let's get outta here."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Happy Birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I don't see why we have to spend the night. It only took me ten minutes to catch up with everybody at my reunion."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, standing in the corner by yourself muttering "Dumbass" at everyone doesn't count as "catching up"."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why am I doing this?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Because I want to force some good cheer into your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell kind of a world are we living in? 'Hey, let's date other people.' 'Hey, let's date other people, but ditch them and do it in a car.' In my day, we called them degenerates, and we STONED them."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "You're Jughead."
• (Danny Masterson) "You're so Jughead, its not even debatable."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "You are so --"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Steven, stop hitting Jughead."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah --"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, I go to church -- just not during televised sporting events."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Donna just came through hear looking pretty upset. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
• (Topher Grace) "No. I mean, she was fine just a minute ago when we were down -- oh, you already know, don't you?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Of course I know."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, I was hoping when they'd move to Arizona, they would get lost in the desert."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Ah, my job, and my little girl."
• (Topher Grace) "Ok, so I'm here too, dad."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by and see you."
• (Topher Grace) "David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Yeah, well, I hate his dad. But, I smile like hell whenever I see him."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I love my job."
• (Topher Grace) "I love you too, Dad."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, Eric, stop being weird."
• (Topher Grace) "Thanks, Dad."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "This is the worst thing you've ever done."
• (Don Stark) "You too."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You're gonna drive Donna home, and then you're gonna wait for me. That's an order."
• (Don Stark) "Ditto -- Aww, come here. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Get your ugly ass in the car."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh Red, you insult him everyday."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "But that's different. He thinks I'm kidding."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein."
• (Topher Grace) "Gee, thank you daddy."
• (Ashton Kutcher) ""Thank you"? Einstein was ugly."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What are you doing here?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "The explanation is in the note."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "What did you just say?"
• (Topher Grace) "Uhh -- I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Damn right."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, maybe instead of finding another idiot to hang out with, you might think about unloading a few."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Like you."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "And you."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "And you."
• (Topher Grace) "I'm your son."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, I treat everyone as equals."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "If I don't make it, kill the foreign kid."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Look at this. First day of deer season."
• (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season."
• (Danny Masterson) "Duck season."
• (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season."
• (Danny Masterson) "Duck seaon."
• (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season"
• (Danny Masterson) "Duck season."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "And we love you."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "This is a smoke detector."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Does that detect any type of smoke?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm -- sorry that I took your money out of your little box, when I feed you and clothe you and put a roof over your head. Sorrrrry."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, why is it we always do what you want to do and never do what I want to do?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's in the Bible."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Let's not talk about it in front of the boy."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "A bond between a father and son is subtle and complex-"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You wipe that smirk off your face."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Earl, I didn't make you too dumb to flip burgers. It's God fault."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Threats aren't going to work, Kitty."
• (Debra J

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