That '70s Show (season 1) Quotes

That '70s Show is a TV show that first aired in 1998 on Fox Broadcasting Company. That '70s Show ended its run in 1999.

That '70s Show was on for 25 episodes.

The cast includes: Laura Prepon as Donna Pinciotti, Ashton Kutcher as Michael Kelso, Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman, Topher Grace as Eric, Mila Kunis as Jackie Burkhardt, Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde, Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman, Tanya Roberts as Midge Pinciotti, Marion Ross as Frank, Ashton Kutcher as Kelso, Wilmer Valderrama as Fez, Mitch Pileggi as All, Kurtwood Smith as Red, Lisa Robin Kelly as Laurie Forman, Laura Prepon as Donna, Ken Shamrock as Leo, Don Stark as Bob Pinciotti, Laura Prepon as Nina, Danny Bonaduce as Ricky, Paul Kreppel as Burt, Carolyn Hennesy as Earl, Katey Sagal as Edna Hyde, Topher Grace as Bernice Forman, Marion Ross as Bryan, Mitch Pileggi as Bull, Dwayne Johnson as Roy, and Kurtwood Smith as Red Foreman.

That '70s Show Quotes

Wilmer Valderrama as Fez

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake."
• (Topher Grace) "Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know Jackie, if you're in the market for a new lover, they say once you go Fez, you never go back. In my language that rhymes."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Is he going to moon me? Oh, great, he's going to moon me."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us."
• (Topher Grace) "That's great, Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "If we were in my country I'd string you from the tallest tree."
• (Danny Masterson) "We're not in your country."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Right. So good luck with Donna."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks for getting me out of jail you 2 sons of 2 bitches."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, what a glorious man-ring."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm confused. What's going on?"
• (Danny Masterson) "You see, Donna, as a creative artist, wrote her story to get some perspective on her life. Forman, as a vindictive ass, wrote his story to be a vindictive ass."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't you want to know what I have to say?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Man, I never know what you have to say. I mean, in your head you're speaking English, but when it comes out its all buzzes and clicks."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Guys, I'm in pain."
• (Laura Prepon) "Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN."
• (Laura Prepon) "Eww."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Aw, thanks, Fez."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you."
• (Topher Grace) "Really?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes, but this is America. Wuss."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My Green Card, I kept it in my right shoe for safe keeping, I even make up a rhyme to help me remember, my green card in my right shoe something something right shoe."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?"
• (Laura Prepon) "That's my sister. And, she's 14."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You know, in my country --"
• (Danny Masterson) "It's illegal here."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You don't like me because I'm not from here."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Need a refill?"
• (Paul Kreppel) "Sure. Thanks."
• (Paul Kreppel) "When did they get a house boy?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "That's not a tater tot -- that's a tater giant."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I know that I just met her Mr. Red, but I love her. She is -- sturdy. I want to climb her."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Breasts."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh. How big are your breasts?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "This is Fez. Who is this?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, and guess what? They looked into my records and discovered my visa expires after I graduate from high school. That means I'm going to be deported. Thanks a lot, you guys. Now I have to relearn my native language."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm going to spend the rest of my American money on candy and porno."
• (Laura Prepon) "But, Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I said candy and porno."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Two-hoo."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ah, screw it."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Ow, my tooth. Oh, why did I have to bite it?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you"."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Thanks for getting me out of jail, you two sons of two bitches."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys"
• (Danny Masterson) "That's not even how it goes."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Well, is it making you mad?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Yes."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Then, that's how it goes."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared -- like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Mmm -- liquid candy."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, it's so stinky. What are we going to do with it?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Simple, man. We're going to find a place to hide the stinky, and ruin someone's day. The question is where, how, and who?"
• (Danny Masterson) "The answer is there, that, and Kelso."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Do I have to use the pink ladies' ball again?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Fez, Fez, Fez. You know the answer to that question."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Pink ladies' ball until I lose my virginity."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Caroline, I have to break up with you."
• (Caroline) "Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "No -- um -- it's because -- Donna and I are in love."
• (Caroline) "WHAT?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Ewww --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Please tell her, Donna -- Please?"
• (Laura Prepon) "What if she tries to kill me?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You're a giant, you can take her."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Jackie you seem different. I don't know if its your hair, your outfit -- Or your red puffy eyes."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- You know what I mean --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- I mean you pee it out."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, the ladies want a piece of Fez."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't resist me, Mama. It's boogie time."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Who are you?"
• (Rhonda) "Fez, it's me Rhonda."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?"
• (Rhonda) "No. It's not kosher."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Who said?"
• (Rhonda) "They did."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, really?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?"
• (Laura Prepon) "I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee."
• (Mila Kunis) "You said she was a sasquatch."
• (Laura Prepon) "So did you."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Stop touching each other. It gives me needs --"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric."
• (Danny Masterson) "So what?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "So it's the saddest story in the world."
• (Danny Masterson) "You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look at this, Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?"
• (Ken Shamrock) "Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking."
• (Danny Masterson) "Leo -- Once again -- You are the boss."
• (Ken Shamrock) "And, I'm not looking."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I like my women like I like my wine; red and full of alcohol."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "But if you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it."
• (Danny Masterson) "I'm going to the Vineyard."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Good for you."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Do you know what's a good job for me -- Gigolo. The loving is over. Now pay me."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "If I have to leave this country, where am I going to go? France? f*** France."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "There's a tornado coming. Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin."
• (Rhonda) "-- Not if I have anything to say about it."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "You can talk all you want, there's a tornado coming."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Oh, my God, Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, my God, Donna."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Don't worry, just turn on the charm --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, nice honkers."
• (Laura Prepon) "Get out of here."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "People are so friendly around here. The women on the corner just offered to have sex with me."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, for money Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I could not ask them for money -- or could I?"

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Rhonda, I thought we'd start our evening with a hot-dog eating contest. Now, I know you're the State Hot Dog Eating Champion, but I think I can make it interesting."
• (Rhonda) "Sorry, Fez, I don't eat food for money OR glory any more."
• (Rhonda) "It's not ladylike."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?"
• (Topher Grace) "I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister."
• (Danny Masterson) "How long have you two been planning that line out?"
• (Topher Grace) "For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?"
• (Danny Masterson) "There's no such thing as too much, Fez."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well, that's Canada -- Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Eric, you better do what he says. I've been on the other side of Fenton's stick. And trust me, that is not the side you wanna be on."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Some people call me the space cowboy --"
• (Topher Grace) "No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy."
• (Danny Masterson) "Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "That Tomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?"
• (Danny Masterson) "What country are you from?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "What country are YOU from?"
• (Danny Masterson) "America."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Fine, mystery solved."

• (Wilmer Valderrama) "We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait."

• (Mr. Wilkinson) "Bloody hell- is that my mailbox?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Bloody hell is that me mailbox?"

Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde

• (Danny Masterson) "You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole."
• (Mila Kunis) "You think I'm cute?"
• (Danny Masterson) "SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

• (Danny Masterson) "They should've X-rayed your head at the hospital."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "They did. And for your information, they found nothing."

• (Danny Masterson) "Let's face it Forman. You're soft."
• (Laura Prepon) "How soft is he, Hyde?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah. Because he plays the piano -- wait --"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "OOOOH. BURN."

• (Danny Masterson) "Poor Forman, man. Working for Red. I wouldn't wish that on my enemies."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I would. Those suckas must pay."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It says you're failing gym."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why the hell are you failing gym?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Because I wouldn't wear shorts?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why not?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Would you wear shorts?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Donna, man, I feel like I want to kiss you."
• (Laura Prepon) "Shut up and dance."

• (Danny Masterson) "Face it, Forman, Donna has bad taste. I mean, look at her dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the Bob."

• (Danny Masterson) "The three TRUE branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood."

• (Danny Masterson) "I love you."

• (Danny Masterson) "We need to do something that says "We're not gonna stand for a corrupt electoral system". Something that will leave a mark."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, I know. A bloody coup."

• (Danny Masterson) "Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, really, Michelle?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too."
• (Topher Grace) "Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now."
• (Topher Grace) "See you later -- Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?"
• (Danny Masterson) "It's Heidi, you morons."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Fez, listen to this."
• (Danny Masterson) "Tight pants can show off a man's derriere and show a woman heaven. Also, an open shirt can expose a sexy chest and show an enormous 'Joie De Vivre'."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Really? I always thought my 'Joie De Vivre' was in my pants."

• (Bud Hyde) "You look familiar. Do I know you?"
• (Danny Masterson) "I sure hope so -- Dad."

• (Danny Masterson) "He's as dead as your Mayan forefathers."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My forefathers were not Mayan."
• (Danny Masterson) "Like anyone cares."

• (Danny Masterson) "So there it is. The clown's back. Everyone is happy and nobody went to jail. What a waste of time."

• (Danny Masterson) "You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy."

• (Danny Masterson) "I didn't do it to be nice. I did it because I wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush that they used to be."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks."
• (Topher Grace) "Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, don't think I won't."

• (Danny Masterson) "Being Kelso is like knowing the truth behind all the deceptions in society, but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban friends that anything's wrong, man. No wait, that's me."

• (Danny Masterson) "Let's see what your permanent record says about you, Jackie."
• (Mila Kunis) "Go ahead. I have a perfect record."
• (Danny Masterson) "Does anybody want to know what Jackie's middle name is?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Jackie's middle name is --"
• (Mila Kunis) "I hate you. I hate you."
• (Danny Masterson) "Her middle name is Beula."

• (Danny Masterson) "At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach."

• (Danny Masterson) "Now stay away from those smokes, if you smoke when you're pregnant, they come out all spindly."

• (Danny Masterson) "Two girls in a phallic RV driving around handing out things you blow? What a great country."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here."

• (Danny Masterson) "Why did you kill me, Eric? I can never forgive you."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, women are like muffins, man. And once you've had a muffin, you will put up with ANYTHING to have another one. And they know that."

• (Danny Masterson) "Well, in health class today, we learned that an early engagement is a sign of heavy drug use."

• (Danny Masterson) "What crawled up your butt?"
• (Topher Grace) "You and Jackie and then you started making out in there."

• (Danny Masterson) "Oh man, see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd get all After School Special on me."

• (Danny Masterson) "If you really want to get under her skin you have to be Zen."
• (Mila Kunis) "Zen? Okay you just can't make up words Hyde."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, ya know?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with."
• (Topher Grace) "Today?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Fez, do you happen to have my money?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Actually, I do happen not to have your money."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, really? Well, until you do --"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "My candy -- Oh, you'll get your money -- IN HELL."

• (Danny Masterson) "Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today."
• (Laura Prepon) "Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?"
• (Danny Masterson) "The government IS out to get you."

• (Danny Masterson) "Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again."
• (Mila Kunis) "You know, that's just what Michael used to say."

• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, you gotta stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure 'til 3 o' clock --"
• (Danny Masterson) "Two o'clock. That's why I keep myself pure until two o'clock."
• (Danny Masterson) "I'm not even wearing a watch."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey Leo man, you all set?"
• (Ken Shamrock) "Totally, man, I got everything."
• (Danny Masterson) "Great. Where's the camera?"
• (Ken Shamrock) "I got everything but the camera -- or the film -- or the flashcubes. Hee, I got nothin' man."
• (Danny Masterson) "Leo man, the photohut is loaded with that stuff."
• (Ken Shamrock) "I know, it's ironic, isn't it?"
• (Danny Masterson) "And yet not surprising."

• (Danny Masterson) "Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants."

• (Danny Masterson) "We got food, we got beer, we have zero percent adult supervision -- welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun."

• (Danny Masterson) "Forman doesn't ever moon because it's impossible to moon when you have no ass."

• (Danny Masterson) "Act tough, Forman."
• (Topher Grace) "I'm not tough."
• (Danny Masterson) "That's why I said 'act.'"

• (Danny Masterson) "Not only did we break the law, we screwed our friends while breaking the law."

• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, I see how it is. When things get ugly, all of a sudden I'm family."
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Not to me, you freak."
• (Danny Masterson) "You are SO gonna wind up in porno."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'm not a conspiracy nut. My gym and shop teachers started that rumor to discredit me."

• (Danny Masterson) "Say, how'd THAT get there?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "That's funny. No; This isn't even mine. Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt."
• (Mila Kunis) "Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it."
• (Mila Kunis) "Hum, I don't know, Michael --"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, you'd think so."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Donna, you want some pie."
• (Laura Prepon) "No, I don't want any stupid pie."
• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, I didn't kiss her."

• (Danny Masterson) "I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation."
• (Topher Grace) "What, so you're mad because you haven't been in any crimes since your last crime?"

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?"
• (Topher Grace) "No."
• (Danny Masterson) "Ha ha. You do now."

• (Danny Masterson) "Look, Jackie. I know you were worried before so I just wanna let you know nothing happened on my end this weekend. I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did. I just wanna let you know what happened with me. That's my report to you."
• (Mila Kunis) "All right. Good to know."
• (Danny Masterson) "Good to know?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Did I stutter?"

• (Pastor Dave) "Now, kids, you may think that God is a downer. But, he's an upper. Some get high on L.S.D., but I get high on G.O.D --"
• (Danny Masterson) "Virgin."

• (Danny Masterson) "Eighteen sucks, man, no more free rides. I mean, if there's a war, I could get drafted."
• (Ken Shamrock) "If there's a war, I'll see you in Canada."

• (Danny Masterson) "If you ask me, UNICEF is a scam."
• (Laura Prepon) "If we ask you, everything is a scam."
• (Danny Masterson) "Everything is a scam."

• (Danny Masterson) "I knew hooking up with Jackie was a big mistake but I did it anyway. That's what she does, man. She makes you stupid. I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before he met her."

• (Danny Masterson) "You know, Forman, you ought to write a book. "Things My Dad Threatened To Put Up My Ass" -- "Chapter One: His Foot"."

• (Danny Masterson) "Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I bet it's boobs."

• (Danny Masterson) "That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta."

• (Danny Masterson) "Government pawns and missing limbs. That's amore."

• (Danny Masterson) "No, no, I'm not walking. If God had wanted us to walk he wouldn't have given us Foreman."

• (Danny Masterson) "We could go to Chicago and peddle Fez's ass for beer."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm game."

• (Danny Masterson) "She's not a "goddess", she's more an "earth-mother whore" type, which works for me."

• (Danny Masterson) "My heart aches with pain. When I see you, I vomit. Die away from me."

• (Danny Masterson) "Think about it. We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this."

• (Danny Masterson) "Well, Fez's play is about to start -- which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass. Let's eat his candy."

• (Danny Masterson) "So you wanna be a burn-out? Is that it?"
• (Mila Kunis) "No. No, Hyde. I just wanna be with you. I think you are one of the coolest and sweetest guys."
• (Danny Masterson) "No you don't."
• (Mila Kunis) "Yes I do."

• (Danny Masterson) "Ma, I'm going to the prom."
• (Katey Sagal) "THEY'RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU."
• (Danny Masterson) "Gee, ma, you're making the moment too damn special."

• (Danny Masterson) "Man you went to the free clinic?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "No, but I saw your mom there. BURN."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did."

• (Danny Masterson) "Look guys, we've gotta do something that says we will not pay homage to a corrupt electoral system."

• (Danny Masterson) "Oh, my God -- what have I done?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You've married a Vegas stripper. Congratulations. When Eric calls -- you're the town dumbass."

• (Danny Masterson) "No offense Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever."

• (Danny Masterson) "Would you shut up about that lame ass story?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fine."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "You drive, my van's in the shop."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fine. I need gas though."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Fine. Shotgun."
• (Danny Masterson) "There's only two of us you moron."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Fine."

• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, I never thought I'd be a working man, man. But man, here I am, working for the man. You know what man, I like it man."
• (Ken Shamrock) "Hey, thanks man."

• (Danny Masterson) "I told you to look where you were going."
• (Mila Kunis) "What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?"
• (Topher Grace) "You knocked over my space command center?"

• (Danny Masterson) "There is no gas shortage man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like there is this guy that invented this car and it runs on water man. It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine and it runs on water."

• (Danny Masterson) "I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about."
• (Topher Grace) "Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it."

• (Danny Masterson) "So if Donna ever breaks up with you, and starts dating me, are we still friends?"
• (Topher Grace) "No."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, Forman. This movie better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm gonna be super-pissed."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me."
• (Topher Grace) "You're gonna leave him at the mall?"
• (Danny Masterson) "No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me. They were drunk."

• (Danny Masterson) "Michael, call me later."
• (Topher Grace) "Michael, do your Chico impression."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "-- please someone else talk now."

• (Danny Masterson) "I hate cigars. This is way worse then what we usually do in the circle. It smells bad, it tastes rank, but there's no fun hallucinations. This should be illegal."

• (Danny Masterson) "But if I didn't know you -- and I had never talked to you -- I'd think you were totally hot."

• (Danny Masterson) "Here are the facts: When the smoke hits the brain, the cells start dying. This process causes impaired judgment and hallucinations and a lot of other wonderful things."

• (Danny Masterson) "It's no worse than bowling. But I don't hate bowling."

• (Danny Masterson) "Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner."

• (Danny Masterson) "Hey, this vase smells like chocolate."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Really?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Ow. STOP DOING THAT."
• (Danny Masterson) "GET SMARTER."

• (Danny Masterson) "I'd rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Kelso on 'Soul Train'."

• (Danny Masterson) "Secretly, I think they want it more than we do."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies."

• (Danny Masterson) "Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?"
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Yeah, he replaced me with your mom."

• (Danny Masterson) "Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yeah --"
• (Danny Masterson) "And what did it turn out to be?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Just a regular snowman --"

• (Danny Masterson) "Forman's first suspension -- I'm so proud."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Because he's stupid."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "They can do that?"

• (Danny Masterson) "School spirit is for losers man. You're just like floating along on the conveyer belt of conformity -- pep rallies, extra curricular activities, washing your hair -- It's all just a trap, man."

• (Danny Masterson) "I have got a solution to this whole you being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out."
• (Topher Grace) "Of my room?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, uh, that's just not going to happen."
• (Danny Masterson) "Fine. I'll move out, you big baby."
• (Topher Grace) "Still friends?"
• (Danny Masterson) "I need time to heal."

• (Danny Masterson) "You're engaged. In Latin that means "screwed for life"."

• (Danny Masterson) "What is she doing here?"
• (Ken Shamrock) "I think she's hitting on me, man."
• (Mila Kunis) "What are you talking about?"
• (Ken Shamrock) "What are you talking about?"
• (Mila Kunis) "What are you talking about?"
• (Ken Shamrock) "What are you talking about?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Whatever."
• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, great. Steven."
• (Ken Shamrock) "What was she talking about?"

• (Danny Masterson) "If you don't shut up, you'll be the first person to touch his chin to his ass."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Have you been spying on me?"

• (Danny Masterson) "That's not the devil, it's Congress. They passed a law to put secret backward messages in our records, man. They wanna kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man."

Debra Jo Rupp as Kitty Forman

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, we're all going through hard times. You're giving up your future. I'm giving up my schnapps."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Steven, if you keep saying things like that it's gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about."
• (Danny Masterson) "Well, then, I'll just leave because it's just too easy. Just like Laurie."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter in their celery."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, there's someone here to see you."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, if this is another one of dad's Marine Corps recruiters I swear I'm running away."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you.""

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "No. That's a lie."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "What?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "What?"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "My parents are coming tomorrow."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, crap."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red."
• (Laura Prepon) "What's wrong with them."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's a complicated situation."
• (Topher Grace) "Grandma yells, grandpa drinks."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Where's my brown sugar?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "I'm right here, sweetie pie."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, Bob was very upset when he left here."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Rosemary had a better baby than me."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You know I love my family. But sometimes, I just want to get in my car and run them all over."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red hates you."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You gave him a heart attack."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just -- exploded."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember now, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow who never calls a child 'dumbass.'"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "G.I. Joe."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, say something."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It's more fun than it looks."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Dad, what is wrong with that woman?"
• (Paul Kreppel) "Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary"."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I want to have a baby."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh. And to think how close we came to losing the house."
• (Topher Grace) "Losing the-mom, you said we were fine."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, Eric, honey, I lied."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Where did you learn your parenting?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Korea."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Good, Donna, come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get. Oh not you Steven, Grandma doesn't like you."
• (Laura Prepon) "You lucky bastard"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Here you are, Red. Breakfast, egg whites only."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "But the yellow part's the baby bird. That's the part I want to eat."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Now stop fighting and help me do this crossword. I need a 4-letter word for disappointment"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It fits --"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I need someone who can take evil"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "How's mama's girl? I have a job for you."
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Not interested."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It pays 10 dollars."
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "I'll do anything for ten dollars."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "For once that's a good thing."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Yes. And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Now Eric's leaving. What am I supposed to do?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, there's a car show in Kenosha this weekend."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "A car show? I don't want to go to a god**** car show in f***ing Kenosha. I want 3 more f***ing months with my baby boy. I can't do that now because of your bulls***. Way to go, dumbass."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Wait. Are you saying you LIKE Randy?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "No -- I'm just saying I don't hate him as much as I hate most people."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, pretty girls don't throw up."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I have bad news. Midge left Bob."
• (Topher Grace) "Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I trust you two to make the right choice."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "No, I trust you to make the right choice and bring her with you."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "OK."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, that was bad."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I know, keep walking."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You kids change partners more than square dancers."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party -- so it's Jackie -- and Fez."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Yay."
• (Mila Kunis) "Come on Fez, let's go."
• (Laura Prepon) "What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that --"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I don't need to kiss some old lady's A-S-S on my holiday."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You heard what I spelled."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?"
• (Topher Grace) "Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Ok, who likes dark meat?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?"

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Like a hippie."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Is there something you want to tell us?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Are you on dope? Are you?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization --"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "-- my foot kickin' your ass."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I don't have to have a reason. It's right. I'm your mother. Now move."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Bed checks, here we come."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Shh, Kitty, you're warning them."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, Michael may have an incredible built and movie-star good looks. But, you're much smarter."
• (Topher Grace) "Why didn't you say that when everyone was around?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, I didn't want anybody to feel bad."
• (Topher Grace) "Good job."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop."
• (Topher Grace) "Mom, I'm 17."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I know. That's why I also brought you condoms."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Ehhhhhhh."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you."
• (Topher Grace) "Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms."
• (Topher Grace) "I was wrong."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "It's the Russians."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, you should go with your father."
• (Topher Grace) "But, mom --"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "No buts. You two don't spend enough time together."
• (Topher Grace) "That's because he doesn't like me."

• (Ms. McGee) "Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your doll?"
• (Topher Grace) "ACTION FIGURE -- uh-oh."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Eric, David's here."
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "He really shouldn't be here."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "It's not so bad. Compared to Korea, this is Shangri-La wrapped in happy-fun candy."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "I don't know how to say this -- Daddy's gone to a better place."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Good, 'cause this hospital sucks."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "What?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "Oh. (whispering) This hospital sucks."

• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?"
• (Laura Prepon) "Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass."

Kurtwood Smith as Red

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What are you doing here?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "The explanation is in the note."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto."
• (Laura Prepon) "You better go. You know how that ass- hat screws up your hair."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh. Sorry."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll --"
• (Topher Grace) "Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Really? Well, way to take initiative."
• (Topher Grace) ""Way to take initiative -- "? What are you up to?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Nothing. I just think you did a good job."
• (Topher Grace) "Okay. But I'm watching you."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Stop being weird."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why is our house always infested with kids?"

• (Mitch Miller) "Eric, I didn't take your action figure."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Doll."
• (Topher Grace) "ACTION FIGURE."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?"
• (Topher Grace) "That it's offensive to the Devil?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Why am I doing this?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Because I want to force some good cheer into your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart."
• (Danny Masterson) "Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Happy Birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "For God's sake, Kitty, I'm not Santa Claus."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red. You scare the hell out of children."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You're never too old to burn to death in a fire."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans."
• (Topher Grace) "Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "What did you just say?"
• (Topher Grace) "Uhh -- I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Damn right."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Is that kid from not America still here?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric's old enough to hear this kind of talk. Eric, say your job got transferred to Guada-Who-The-Hell-Cares. Would you vote for the guy that did that?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh, Red, Ford didn't take away your job. He took Nixon's."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "If you don't shut up I will put you in a crate, take you down to the port, and trade you for a years worth of bananas."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh Red, you insult him everyday."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "But that's different. He thinks I'm kidding."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, Steven, you're a smart guy. You really should go to college. You're coming with us, this weekend."
• (Danny Masterson) "You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "See how smart you are?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Donna just came through hear looking pretty upset. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
• (Topher Grace) "No. I mean, she was fine just a minute ago when we were down -- oh, you already know, don't you?"
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Of course I know."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "This is the worst thing you've ever done."
• (Don Stark) "You too."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "You're gonna drive Donna home, and then you're gonna wait for me. That's an order."
• (Don Stark) "Ditto -- Aww, come here. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Get your ugly ass in the car."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I've been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I've killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it --"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well isn't that a surprise. A National Guardsman serving up chicken."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Michael Kelso scored higher than you on the test? This is the kid I saw super-glue his hand to his face."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh and uh, here's a 20."
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Will that cover for gas?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case."
• (Topher Grace) "You know, I could use some gas money."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Yeah -- and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I say good riddance. That cat was always making a mess on my lawn and going through my garbage."
• (Lisa Robin Kelly) "Yeah. But now we have Hyde to do that."
• (Danny Masterson) "Oh yeah, Laurie? And what exactly do you do? Oh, yeah; the Packers."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Earl, just get to work."
• (Carolyn Hennesy) "Oh, sure. Right after my cup of joe. I'm useless without my coffee."
• (Topher Grace) "Then, I guess he hasn't had coffee in years, huh?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein."
• (Topher Grace) "Gee, thank you daddy."
• (Ashton Kutcher) ""Thank you"? Einstein was ugly."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "I love my job."
• (Topher Grace) "I love you too, Dad."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Oh, Eric, stop being weird."
• (Topher Grace) "Thanks, Dad."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "If I don't make it, kill the foreign kid."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Kitty, when we got married, we took a vow to be together through sickness and health, but nobody said anything about what to do if your wife turns into a dope fiend."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Is this what I think it is?"
• (Ashton Kutcher) "If you mean paprika, then yes, sir."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Honey, paprika is red."
• (Ashton Kutcher) "If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Aw, Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way."
• (Topher Grace) "Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "We're all gonna go to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell happened?"
• (Danny Masterson) "Eric made out with Laurie's friend."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Anything else?"
• (Wilmer Valderrama) "Your son is a whore."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense."
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "If one more person tells me to 'shut it' --"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You might actually 'shut it'?"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You morons just hung a vacancy sign on your asses and my foot's looking for a room."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You need to grow up and learn some responsibility."
• (Topher Grace) "I love you too, Dad."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "What? Stop being weird."
• (Topher Grace) "Thanks."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?"
• (Debra Jo Rupp) "You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of -- telling people to stick it in their butts."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Look at this. First day of deer season."
• (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season."
• (Danny Masterson) "Duck season."
• (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season."
• (Danny Masterson) "Duck seaon."
• (Topher Grace) "Rabbit season"
• (Danny Masterson) "Duck season."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "You know, I was hoping when they'd move to Arizona, they would get lost in the desert."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Earl, I didn't make you too dumb to flip burgers. It's God fault."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "So you just be grateful that your Dad doesn't yell at you 24-hours-a-day. And don't give me that look, because this isn't yelling. When I yell, you'll know it."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah --"

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except -- your dad's rich, isn't he?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Yeah."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Well, you can use that to get him out of prison."
• (Mila Kunis) "Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Yeah."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible --"
• (Mila Kunis) "Me too."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Hey, Ali Baba. Close Sesame."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "What the hell kind of a world are we living in? 'Hey, let's date other people.' 'Hey, let's date other people, but ditch them and do it in a car.' In my day, we called them degenerates, and we STONED them."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off."
• (Bud Hyde) "I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious."
• (Bud Hyde) "Uhh -- Canadian."

• (Kurtwood Smith) "Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater."
• (Kurtwood Smith) "Eric, do I have to tell you to stop stari

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.