Ted (film) Quotes

Ted (film) is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Ted ended in 1970.

It features Scott Stuber, Seth MacFarlane, John Jacobs, and Jason Clark as producer, Walter Murphy in charge of musical score, and Michael Barrett (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Ted (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Ted (film) is 106 minutes long. Ted (film) is distributed by Universal Pictures.

The cast includes: Patrick Stewart as Narrator, Seth MacFarlane as Ted, Mila Kunis as Lori, Bill Smitrovich as Frank, Aedin Mincks as Robert, Giovanni Ribisi as Donny, Jessica Barth as Tami-Lynn, Joel McHale as Rex, Patrick Warburton as Guy, Alex Borstein as Ellen, and Matt Walsh as Thomas.

Ted (film) Quotes

Seth MacFarlane as Ted

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Oh, I hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "I look stupid."
• (John) "No, you don't, you look dapper."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life."
• (John) "Oh, and you can?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "I don't have to. I'm a f***ing teddy bear. Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party, alright? I wanted you to come, because you're supposedly my best friend."
• (John) "You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship. I mean, it always works out so much better for you when we're sittin' around gettin' f***ed up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's your choice, John. And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a p*****."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "I met a girl; she's a cashier."
• (John) "No way. That's awesome. We should f***in' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "White trash name. Guess."
• (John) "Mandy."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Nope."
• (John) "Marilyn."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Nope."
• (John) "Brittany?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Nope."
• (John) "Tiffany."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Nope."
• (John) "Candace."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Nope."
• (John) "Don't f*** with me on this. I know this s***."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Do you see me f***in' with you? I'm completely serious."
• (John) "Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you f***in' buzz it, okay? You got me?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "You do it. I will tell you. Yeah."
• (John) "Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, f***in' Becky ?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "No."
• (John) "Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yes."
• (John) "Oh, I got you, motherf***er. I got you."
• (John) "Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn --"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Tami-Lynn."
• (John) "f***."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori."
• (John) "There's no putting things right. She f***ing hates me."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "No, John. We can -- We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again."
• (John) "Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died."

• (John) "I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, "Oh, s***, 9-11, I gotta get high.""

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Look, John -- loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's -- fallin' to f***in' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault -- Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No." -- He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori -- I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours."
• (Mila Kunis) "Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that -- This is between John and me, and -- I don't think it can be fixed --"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yeah, because o' me. Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man -- Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear -- he's always gonna be a boy -- He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him -- I'll be gone when you get back -- forever. And -- you'll see -- He'll never be scared of thunder again."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Back off, Susan Boyle."

• (John) "Thanks, Flash."
• (Sam J. Jones) "There you go, my friend."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Thank you."
• (Sam J. Jones) "Death to Ming."
• (John) "Haha."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yes."
• (Sam J. Jones) "Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Uh, cocaine, right?"
• (Sam J. Jones) "Come on, dudes. Don't tell me you've never done it before."
• (John) "Well, uh, well not recently, no."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "I thought that was just for people in Florida."
• (Sam J. Jones) "You better follow me. Come on."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Johnny, I'm frightened."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Let's just find a better place to get stoned."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business."
• (Mila Kunis) "Ted, what are you doing here?"

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life."
• (John) "That's bulls***. What about Lori? She's hot."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl."
• (John) "They're not that bad."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) ""Oh, yah. Oh, yah. Hahder. Hahder. Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my f***ing face with Pepperidge Farm.""

• (Seth MacFarlane) "No, see trust me I can do this."
• (Guy #1) "Shut up."
• (Guy #2) "Let him try it, man."
• (Guy #1) "All right. Okay."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "What?"
• (Guy #1) "Son of a bitch."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Well you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs."

• (Sam J. Jones) "We are gonna party like the 80s."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Show us how, Flash."
• (Sam J. Jones) "Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "You can sing any 90's song with just vowels."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Hey Lori, can you turn the alarm to 11 AM? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now."
• (John) "Italian."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Italian, yes."
• (John) "What's the special on Tuesdays?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Eggplant parm."
• (John) "Chopped salad half price."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "And it's a non-restricted place."
• (John) "Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Anybody can come."
• (John) "Of course."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Jews are welcome."
• (John) "Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Exactly, that's what I'm saying."
• (John) "Yeah, but why even bring that up?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in."
• (John) "So why mention it?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "No one will."
• (John) "So why are we talking about it?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in."
• (John) "Yeah, let 'em in."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Exactly."
• (John) "Right."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Good."
• (John) "Okay."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "No Mexicans, though."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "You know, you are acting like a cock."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "God -- I look like the robot from Aliens."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Hey, uh, hey Ellen."
• (Alex Borstein) "Yeah?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Who's that over there?"
• (Alex Borstein) "Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "You have a baby? Is it alive?"

• (Sam J. Jones) "We are gonna party like the '80s."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Show us how, Flash."
• (Sam J. Jones) "It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid s***."

• (Unnamed) "Asshole."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut."
• (Norah Jones) "Teddy."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Hahaha. How are you?"
• (Norah Jones) "How are you, you fuzzy asshole?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there."
• (Norah Jones) "Well, half-Indian, but -- thanks."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen; I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones."
• (John) "Hi, hi, Norah Jones."
• (Norah Jones) "Hey. Hey there, sweaty."
• (Norah Jones) "Um, you ready to bring down the house?"
• (John) "Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss -- Ma'am Jones, I -- thank you."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Jesus, you look fantastic."
• (Norah Jones) "Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yeah, I know, right? You mean -- me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room."
• (Norah Jones) "Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yeah, it's kind of funny actually. I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Company's turning 20, huh? So you can bang it but you can't get it drunk."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?"
• (John) "What, I'm acting like a cock?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me."
• (John) "Huh?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Pink Floyd."

• (John) "I think back to that Christmas morning and I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Say that again."
• (John) "Teddy Rux-f***in'-pin"

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "."
• (John) "What is this?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow."
• (John) "It doesn't sound very mellow."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming. They're coming." and something called "This Is Permanent" -- Go on, spark it up."

• (Seth MacFarlane) "Stick your finger in the loop of my tag."
• (Bill Smitrovich) "You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "I f***ed her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children."
• (Bill Smitrovich) "That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "You got a lot of problems, don't ya?"

Patrick Stewart as Narrator

• (Patrick Stewart) "Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine."

• (Patrick Stewart) "No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a s***."

Mila Kunis as Lori

• (John) "Can you call my cellphone?"
• (Mila Kunis) "Yeah"
• (Mila Kunis) "Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative."
• (John) "No. I-it's from The Notebook"

• (Mila Kunis) "I don't; I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?"
• (John) "I am not."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?"
• (John) "f***ing right."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song."
• (John) "Alright."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "f*** you, thunder. / You can suck my dick. / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts.""

• (Mila Kunis) "Welcome back Ted."
• (John) "It was you."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Son of a bitch. You wished for my life back."
• (Mila Kunis) "No. I wished for my life back."

• (John) "I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out."
• (Mila Kunis) "It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates."

• (John) "Plus. A hooker took a s*** in our apartment."
• (Mila Kunis) "OH GOD."
• (John) "WHAT?"
• (Mila Kunis) "This is so gross."
• (John) "Did you get it yet?"
• (Mila Kunis) "NO. I didn't get it yet."
• (John) "Tell me when you get it."
• (Mila Kunis) "OH MY GOD. I got some of it on my thumb."
• (John) "NO. You will never be able to cook with that thumb again."
• (Mila Kunis) "OH MY GOD. This is the most disgusting thing ever."
• (John) "NO. Get it away from me."

• (Mila Kunis) "Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?"
• (John) "Octop*****."
• (Mila Kunis) "BABY. Goldstar."

• (Mila Kunis) "There's a s*** on the floor."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Or, or, or, maybe the floor is on the s***."

• (Mila Kunis) "So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you -- tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends."
• (Jessica Barth) "What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?"
• (Jessica Barth) "What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that."
• (Mila Kunis) "No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up."
• (Jessica Barth) "Did you just call me a whore?"
• (Mila Kunis) "What?"
• (Jessica Barth) "You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?"
• (John) "Whoa."
• (John) "What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Yeah, this was a nice evening."
• (Jessica Barth) "Don't talk s*** to me."
• (Mila Kunis) "I just asked you a question."
• (Jessica Barth) "You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some f***in' fancy s*** place? Whatever."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Take it easy."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Nice, Lori. Real nice."
• (Mila Kunis) "Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English."
• (Jessica Barth) "Oh f*** you. Just 'cause you're on the business world and s***, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on."
• (Jessica Barth) "You know what? I gave birth once, bitch. I can kick your f***in' ass. And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Okay, okay, come on. Come on."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?"

• (Mila Kunis) "Can I give you a ride home?"
• (John) "No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing."

• (Mila Kunis) "Oh --"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Lori, hey, you're home early."
• (Mila Kunis) "What the hell is this?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine."
• (Mila Kunis) "This place is a wreck. Who are these girls?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night."
• (Mila Kunis) "What is that?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Wha- what is what?"
• (Mila Kunis) "There's a -- a s*** on my floor. In the corner, there is a s***."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy."
• (Mila Kunis) "There is a s*** on my floor."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Well, or, or, is the floor on the s***? Is what Kierkegaard would say."
• (John) "Rawr."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Hahaha."
• (John) "Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here. You owe me lobster money."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Ahahaha. That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it."
• (John) "I found my phone. What's going on."
• (John) "Is that a s***?"

• (Mila Kunis) "What a c***."
• (John) "No, I hate that word."

Patrick Warburton as Guy

• (Patrick Warburton) "He's been going out for four years. My longest relationship was, like, six months, and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like: I'm out of here, man, and I was gone before she woke up."

Giovanni Ribisi as Donny

• (Giovanni Ribisi) "You're mine now, Ted."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett."
• (Giovanni Ribisi) "I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "I think we're very far apart on this."

• (Giovanni Ribisi) "Are you out here all alone?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone."

Matt Walsh as Thomas

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Aedin Mincks as Robert

• (Aedin Mincks) "You can't have my Teddy bear."
• (Mila Kunis) "Jesus."
• (John) "I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass."

Bill Smitrovich as Frank

• (Bill Smitrovich) "You think you got what it takes?"
• (Seth MacFarlane) "I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's p***** on my breath."
• (Bill Smitrovich) "Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box."
• (Bill Smitrovich) "You're hired."
• (Seth MacFarlane) "s***."

Joel McHale as Rex

• (Joel McHale) "This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction."
• (John) "Wow, cool."
• (Joel McHale) "Yeah, cool."
• (Joel McHale) "These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight."
• (Joel McHale) "This is art. Get it?"
• (Joel McHale) "These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars."
• (Joel McHale) "That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out."
• (Joel McHale) "This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here -- and look at that. It reminds me that -- things aren't so bad."
• (John) "Sometimes you feel like a nut."
• (Joel McHale) "Sometimes you don't."
• (Joel McHale) "So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?"
• (John) "You know, things are great, actually."
• (Joel McHale) "Oh that's great. That is great."
• (John) "You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you f***ing get Lou Gehrig's disease."
• (Joel McHale) "Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl."
• (John) "Well that's good to hear."
• (Joel McHale) "Yeah."

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