Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Quotes

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby completed its run in 1970.

It features Jimmy Miller as producer, Alex Wurman in charge of musical score, and Oliver Wood (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is 108 minutes long. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobby, John C. Reilly as Cal Naughton, Jr., Ted Manson as Chip, Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell as Walker, Jane Lynch as Lucy Bobby, Michael Clarke Duncan as Lucius Washington, Amy Adams as Susan, Gary Cole as Reese Bobby, Jack Blessing as Jarvis, David Koechner, Ian Roberts as Herschell, Greg Germann as Larry Dennit, Jr., and Leslie Bibb as Carley Bobby.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Quotes

Jane Lynch as Lucy Bobby

• (Texas Ranger) "When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?"
• (Jane Lynch) "Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?"

• (Jane Lynch) "So how was your day driving with you father?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Well let's see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn't learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great."

• (Jane Lynch) "Reese, you just passed the hospital."
• (Jane Lynch) "The baby's coming, he's coming now."
• (Gary Cole) "All right, all right, hold on."
• (Jane Lynch) "Okay, but i think he might be stuck."
• (Gary Cole) "Grab onto something. Ready? One, two, THREE."
• (Jane Lynch) "It's a baby boy."

Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobby

• (Will Ferrell) "Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner. And what better gift to give a loved one,"
• (Will Ferrell) "than the Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart."

• (Will Ferrell) "Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable."
• (Jean Girard) "It's a sign of friendship in many countries."
• (Will Ferrell) "Well, not here."
• (Jean Girard) "There is nothing sexual about it. Please don't be worried about the fact that I have an erection. Its has nothing to do with you."

• (Will Ferrell) "Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said -- "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.""

• (Will Ferrell) "You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs -- all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons -- Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt."
• (Michael Clarke Duncan) "Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby. Don't you put that on us. You are NOT paralyzed."

• (Will Ferrell) "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley."
• (Leslie Bibb) "Woo."
• (John C. Reilly) "Mhmm."
• (Texas Ranger) "Ow."

• (Will Ferrell) "Yep, flying through the air. This is not good."

• (Will Ferrell) "Oh hey, I'm Ricky Bobby."
• (John C. Reilly) "And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr."
• (Will Ferrell) "Urging you never to go to Tijuana."

• (Will Ferrell) "I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like -- like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out."

• (Will Ferrell) "It felt like I was on a spaceship --"

• (Will Ferrell) "Get back, I'll windmill ya."

• (Jean Girard) "My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby."
• (Will Ferrell) "I can't understand a word you've said the whole time."
• (John C. Reilly) "Did you eat some peanut butter or something?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth"
• (Jean Girard) "I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French."
• (Will Ferrell) "You say you're French?"
• (Jean Girard) "Oui."
• (Will Ferrell) "We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet"
• (Jean Girard) "Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Chinese food?"
• (John C. Reilly) "Chinese food."
• (Jean Girard) "That's from China."
• (Will Ferrell) "Pizza."
• (Jean Girard) "Italy."
• (John C. Reilly) "Chimichanga."
• (Jean Girard) "Mexico."
• (Will Ferrell) "Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?"
• (Jean Girard) "We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois."
• (John C. Reilly) "Those are three pretty good things."
• (Will Ferrell) "Hey."
• (John C. Reilly) "Well that last one's pretty cool."

• (Will Ferrell) "Slingshot: engaged."

• (Will Ferrell) "I'm going fast again."
• (John C. Reilly) "How fast is he going?"
• (Michael Clarke Duncan) "26 miles per hour."

• (Will Ferrell) "Where did you get it?"
• (Gary Cole) "I trapped it. I've been keeping it in the bathroom in my motel room."

• (Will Ferrell) "Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f- bleep you."

• (Will Ferrell) "You can't have two number ones."
• (John C. Reilly) "Yeah, 'cause that would be eleven."

• (Will Ferrell) "I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment."
• (John C. Reilly) "I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it."
• (Leslie Bibb) "Thank you, Cal."
• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "That's real sweet of you, Cal."
• (Will Ferrell) "Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said."
• (John C. Reilly) "Well, I mean it."
• (Leslie Bibb) "Stop it, gonna make me cry."
• (John C. Reilly) "Comes from the heart."

• (Will Ferrell) "I will not shake your hand, but I will give you this."
• (Jean Girard) "You taste of America."
• (Will Ferrell) "Thank you."

• (Will Ferrell) "Wow. I feel like I'm Highlander."
• (Jean Girard) "What is the Highlander?"
• (Will Ferrell) "It's a movie. It won the Academy Award."
• (Jean Girard) "Oh for what?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Best movie ever made."

• (Will Ferrell) "Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus -- I'm delivering pizzas."
• (Passenger on Bus) "Mothaf***a, what makes you think I care? Shut the f*** up."
• (Will Ferrell) "I- I've just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately."
• (Passenger on Bus) "Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems. Everybody's got problems. My momma got problems she just lost her leg. My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog just threw up somebody's finger. That's a problem."
• (Will Ferrell) "I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you."

• (Will Ferrell) "Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt."

• (Will Ferrell) "Please be 18."

• (Will Ferrell) "I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?"

• (Will Ferrell) "Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop."
• (Jean Girard) "Then why is the song on the jukebox?"
• (Bartender) "We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal."

• (Will Ferrell) "If you ain't first, you're last."

• (Will Ferrell) "This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons."

• (Will Ferrell) "I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you."
• (Jean Girard) "Do you know why I came to America, Monsieur Bobby?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America."
• (Jean Girard) "I came here for you to beat me."
• (Will Ferrell) "What are you talking about?"
• (Jean Girard) "My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that --"
• (Will Ferrell) "That's dumb."
• (Jean Girard) "It's not dumb."
• (Will Ferrell) "It is dumb."
• (Jean Girard) "Why is it dumb?"
• (Will Ferrell) "I don't know."
• (Jean Girard) "But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me."
• (Will Ferrell) "You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?"
• (Jean Girard) "No."
• (Will Ferrell) "No?"
• (Jean Girard) "NO. I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander."
• (Jean Girard) "What's the Highlander?"
• (Will Ferrell) "It's a movie."
• (Jean Girard) "Oh any good?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Very good. It won the Academy Award."
• (Jean Girard) "Oh for what?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you."
• (Jean Girard) "May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war."
• (Will Ferrell) "Alright."

• (Will Ferrell) "Wait, Dad. Don't you remember the time you told me "If you ain't first, you're last"?"
• (Gary Cole) "Huh? What are you talking about, Son?"
• (Will Ferrell) "That day at school."
• (Gary Cole) "Oh hell, Son, I was high that day. That doesn't make any sense at all, you can be second, third, fourth -- hell you can even be fifth."
• (Will Ferrell) "What? I've lived my whole life by that."

• (Will Ferrell) "Help me Jesus. Help me Jewish God. Help me Allah. AAAAAHHH. Help me Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me."

• (Will Ferrell) "Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?"

• (Will Ferrell) "Hey. It's me, America."

• (Will Ferrell) "Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence."

• (Will Ferrell) "I'd love to sign your baby."

• (Will Ferrell) "Hey Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up."
• (Will Ferrell) "It's real nice. I got it at Target. It was on sale."

• (Jean Girard) "Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow"."
• (Will Ferrell) "Well, let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken"."
• (Jean Girard) "What's that got to do with this?"

Gary Cole as Reese Bobby

• (Gary Cole) "Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes before they show up and you do 5 to 10. So, what's it going to be? Fear or prison?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Man, what the hell are you talking about?"
• (Gary Cole) "Real simple, son -- cops are coming, there's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man. You got hair on your peaches or what?"

• (Gary Cole) "Guess how fast we're going now."
• (Jane Lynch) "I don't care. I'm having a baby."
• (Gary Cole) "Hundred and five miles an hour. Can you believe that."

• (Gary Cole) "Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh -- I'll say hello to these swamp rats."
• (Frank) "You people shut the hell up. I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep."
• (Gary Cole) "You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent."
• (Jane Lynch) "Yeah, shut up, Frank."
• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart."
• (Gary Cole) "Okay, I guess they are my grandkids."

• (Gary Cole) "Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave."

• (Gary Cole) "Yep, I guess things are just about perfect -- it's making me feel kind of itchy --"
• (Will Ferrell) "How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?"

• (Gary Cole) "Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky."
• (10-year-old Ricky) "Dad."
• (Gary Cole) "Hey there, boy. Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?"
• (10-year-old Ricky) "Ten years."
• (Gary Cole) "Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote."
• (Schoolteacher) "Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here."
• (Gary Cole) "Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist."
• (Unnamed) "OOOOHHHH."
• (Gary Cole) "And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here."
• (Schoolteacher) "Okay, I think that's enough."
• (Gary Cole) "Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid."

• (Texas Ranger) "Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?"
• (Gary Cole) "That's a good call."

Michael Clarke Duncan as Lucius Washington

• (Michael Clarke Duncan) "Okay, we have got to get that car back onto the race track or our sponsors are gonna s*** a chicken. Now I'm gonna ask you: do any of you guys wanna go fast?"
• (Will Ferrell) "I wanna go fast."

• (Michael Clarke Duncan) "You're not gonna live forever."
• (Will Ferrell) "No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?"
• (Michael Clarke Duncan) "No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life."
• (Will Ferrell) "No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that."

• (Michael Clarke Duncan) "Guys. No tires. We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team."
• (Glenn) "Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend."

Jack Blessing as Jarvis

• (Jack Blessing) "Cal, Ricky's passing you."
• (John C. Reilly) "Do you think Ricky is passing me in my subconscious?"
• (Jack Blessing) "No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now."

John C. Reilly as Cal Naughton, Jr.

• (John C. Reilly) "I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life."

• (John C. Reilly) "I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger."

• (John C. Reilly) "I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him --"
• (Will Ferrell) "Because it was Jesus, right --"
• (John C. Reilly) "Yeah --"

• (John C. Reilly) "There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I -- I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho."

• (John C. Reilly) "I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk."

• (John C. Reilly) "I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."

• (John C. Reilly) "Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend."

• (John C. Reilly) "So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?"

• (John C. Reilly) "Ricky, I think your house is haunted."
• (Will Ferrell) "Cal, that is a new house. It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it."
• (Will Ferrell) "Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?"

• (John C. Reilly) "Abracadabra, homes."

• (Jean Girard) "I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say -- "I -- love -- crepes.""
• (John C. Reilly) "Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run."
• (Will Ferrell) "I'm not gonna say it."
• (John C. Reilly) "Good."
• (Will Ferrell) "Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?"
• (Jean Girard) "I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word."
• (Will Ferrell) "Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini."
• (Jean Girard) "Whoa. Get down, you little pancake."
• (Will Ferrell) "Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here."
• (Jean Girard) "But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes.""
• (John C. Reilly) "You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better."
• (Will Ferrell) "Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?"
• (John C. Reilly) "Yeah."
• (Jean Girard) "Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them."
• (Will Ferrell) "Oh, my god, I love those."
• (John C. Reilly) "Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it."
• (Will Ferrell) "They come with cheese sometimes?"
• (Jean Girard) "Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe."
• (Will Ferrell) "Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?"
• (Jean Girard) "Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Oh, I love the crepe suzette."
• (Jean Girard) "With the sugar and lemon juice --"
• (Will Ferrell) "Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure."
• (Jean Girard) "Grand Marnier."
• (Will Ferrell) "I wo; I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside."

• (John C. Reilly) "I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey."

• (John C. Reilly) "Shake and bake."

• (John C. Reilly) "Shake and bake."
• (Will Ferrell) "What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened."
• (Jean Girard) "Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?"

Ted Manson as Chip

• (Ted Manson) "Jesus was a man. He had a beard."

• (Ted Manson) "I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys."
• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-s*** on your ass."
• (Texas Ranger) "I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head."
• (John C. Reilly) "Yeah."
• (Will Ferrell) "Yeah. Now turn up the heat."
• (John C. Reilly) "Go on and get some, boys."
• (Will Ferrell) "Come on."
• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass."
• (Texas Ranger) "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey."
• (John C. Reilly) "Like a spider monkey. Go on."
• (Will Ferrell) "Chip, you brought this on, man."
• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk."
• (Ted Manson) "What is wrong with you?"
• (Texas Ranger) "Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew."

Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell as Walker

• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "ANARCHY. ANARCHY."
• (Texas Ranger) "I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it."

• (Texas Ranger) "Great analysis, Walker."
• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "Thanks."

• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbor's dog to drink it. But he wouldn't."

• (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) "Shut up in here. I'm trying to sleep."
• (Texas Ranger) "One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth."

Greg Germann as Larry Dennit, Jr.

• (Mike Joy) "Car comes to rest; upside down in a big cloud of smoke. Ricky Bobby appears to be okay, but that Wonder Bread car is toast."
• (Greg Germann) "Wow. Fantasic."
• (John C. Reilly) "Oh my God. Ricky."

• (Greg Germann) "That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle."
• (Will Ferrell) "With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed."

Amy Adams as Susan

• (Amy Adams) "Hi, I'm his lady. I'm Susan. I painted the car, I -- we had sex."
• (Gary Cole) "Is that right?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Yeah."
• (Gary Cole) "Well, I wish I coulda been there for that."

• (Amy Adams) ""Me" is you. Because it's just you out there. We don't have any corporate sponsors, we don't have any fancy team owners. We have you. And this car, and this cougar, which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome. It's all there for you."
• (Glenn) "Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword that Sir Lancelot used to bring together the Knights of the Round Table, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen --"
• (Glenn) "-- in the biblical sense."
• (Will Ferrell) "Okay, Glenn. Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it."

• (Amy Adams) "It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN. And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?"
• (Will Ferrell) "Susan, I've never heard you talk like that -- Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now."

David Koechner, Ian Roberts as Herschell

• (David Koechner, Ian Roberts) "Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position -- You're welcome."

• (Jean Girard) "Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?"
• (Kyle) "That is a fair compromise."
• (David Koechner, Ian Roberts) "Very fair, actually."
• (Will Ferrell) "No. Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes."
• (Kyle) "That's actually a pretty good compromise right there."
• (Jean Girard) "Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?"
• (Will Ferrell) "You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell. You hear me?"
• (John C. Reilly) "Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call."
• (Will Ferrell) "What do you think?"
• (John C. Reilly) "Don't say it."
• (Will Ferrell) "Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew."
• (Jean Girard) "As you wish."
• (Will Ferrell) "He actually did it."

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