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Step Brothers (film) Quotes

Step Brothers (film) is a TV show that debuted in 1970 . Step Brothers ended its run in 1970.

It features Plainlist, Jimmy Miller, and Judd Apatow as producer, Jon Brion in charge of musical score, and Oliver Wood (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Step Brothers (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Step Brothers (film) is 98 minutes long. Step Brothers (film) is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: John C. Reilly as Dale Doback, Will Ferrell as Brennan Huff, Mary Steenburgen as Nancy Huff, Adam Scott as Derek, Kathryn Hahn as Alice, Andrea Savage as Denise, Rob Riggle as Randy, and Elizabeth Yozamp as Tiffany.

Step Brothers (film) Quotes

Will Ferrell as Brennan Huff

  • (Will Ferrell) "I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You know what I just realized? You've been the one dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and find a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it."
  • (John C. Reilly) "My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had the perfect setup, and you wrecked it."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hey --"
  • (Will Ferrell) "We're no longer brothers."
  • (John C. Reilly) "We never were. We were stepbrothers."
  • (Will Ferrell) "This house is a fucking prison."
  • (John C. Reilly) "On Planet Bullshit."
  • (Will Ferrell) "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I tea-bagged your drum set."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Your drumset's a whore. I tea bagged your drumset."
  • (John C. Reilly) "My drumset's a guy so it makes you gay, you fucker."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Holy Thing from the Fantastic Four's shit."
  • (Will Ferrell) "John Bonham playing Moby Dick for real."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "You dont know anyone named Johnny Hopkins."
  • (Will Ferrell) "It was Johnny Hopkins, and Sloan Kettering, and they were blazin' that shit up everyday."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed."
  • (Will Ferrell) "We put liquid paper on a bee, and it died."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "You jagaloons. You're failures. FAILURES."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Brennan."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint. And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Oh, stop it. Stop it right --"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass --"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Brennan."
  • (Will Ferrell) "-- you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna to do what's sensible, I'm gonna file for unemployment. Then I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they -- they give you the tools to be your own boss."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I have a green belt -- read it and weep."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I don't believe in belts."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I remember my first beer."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I remember my first beer."
  • (John C. Reilly) "That's so funny the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Fuck you, Dale. Fuck you."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I love you."
  • (Andrea Savage) "Obviously you don't know me."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I love you so much."
  • (Andrea Savage) "Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortibility with me."
  • (Will Ferrell) "It's more that comfortability. I fuckin' love you."
  • (Andrea Savage) "Okay, I think that --"
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'm just thinking about our new life together. It feels like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now."
  • (Andrea Savage) "That is so off-putting."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You're not feeling this?"
  • (Andrea Savage) "In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Now I'm gonna play your drumset. Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you --"
  • (Will Ferrell) "This is your fault. Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight --"
  • (John C. Reilly) "DON'T YOU TOUCH MY DRUMS."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Zombie. ZOMBIE. Get off me, zombie."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'm not gonna call him Dad."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Brennan, you're 39 years old. I wouldn't expect you to call him Dad."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Well I'm not going to, ever. Even if there's a fire."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you."
  • (Will Ferrell) "This wedding is horse shit."

John C. Reilly as Dale Doback

  • (John C. Reilly) "Boats and hoes."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Hey, you awake?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Yeah."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Who's the retard?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "You."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hey ya'll don't say that."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Shut up. You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Just shut up."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You're not a doctor -- you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Oh yeah?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Yeah."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I'm a curly-headed fuck?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I want you out of my fucking house."
  • (Will Ferrell) "No way Kimosabe. This is my house now."
  • (Male Therapist) "So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and -- I just figure it out."
  • (Male Therapist) "Is this Good Will Hunting?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "No."
  • (Male Therapist) "It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck --"
  • (John C. Reilly) "Brennan you're alive. Oh my God."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I know. I'm alive."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You were dead. I saw you die."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Nope."
  • (John C. Reilly) "It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hey."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Did you touch my drumset?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hey, knock it off."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Fuck you Brennan. I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I don't have to swear to shit."
  • (John C. Reilly) "That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset. 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Where you going?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'm going upstairs -- 'cause I'm gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset. Okay?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "If you do that; I'm warning you, right now. If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife."
  • (John C. Reilly) "This is just like Cold Case files. This is just like Cold Case files. This is just like Cold Case files."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I manage a baseball team."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Oh, little league?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "Fantasy league."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Oh, he did?"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "No. I thought it was gonna be silent."
  • (Will Ferrell) "It was not silent."
  • (John C. Reilly) "It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing."
  • (Will Ferrell) "It got louder. It got louder."
  • (John C. Reilly) "We're here to fuck shit up."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Why are you so sweaty?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "I was watching Cops."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You're not a doctor -- you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I warned you. There's one rule in the house, and you broke it."
  • (Sporting Goods Manager) "Was that a fart?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "I don't know."
  • (Sporting Goods Manager) "I can taste it. On my tongue."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart."
  • (Sporting Goods Manager) "Is that onion? Onion and -- Onion and ketchup."
  • (Sporting Goods Manager) "It stinks. And this is a small room."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Shit."
  • (Sporting Goods Manager) "Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "I would like to thank all of you -- for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day. And I would like to raise my glass; Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms."
  • (John C. Reilly) "UGH. Get a room, Dad."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Oh for chris- Dale."
  • (John C. Reilly) "What is your problem, man?"
  • (Adam Scott) "My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "It's not about money."
  • (Adam Scott) "It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made that much money last year."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I'M GONNA RUB MY BALLS ON YOUR MOM'S FACE."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You got my passport?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "What?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "I'm good."
  • (John C. Reilly) "All right."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Don't worry, I'm not gonna be late. Don't worry."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Boats and hoes."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Fuck you."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Chewbacca masks."
  • (John C. Reilly) "The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz -- when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like."
  • (John C. Reilly) "I'm just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Dale, I think it's time for a change. For both of us."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Dad, we're men. That means a few things; we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "We literally have never done any of those things."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Hey, can I ask you something?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Yeah."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You know back when you first moved in?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Yeah."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Did you touch my drumset?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "No, I didn't."
  • (John C. Reilly) "No, really, I won't get mad I just want to know."
  • (Will Ferrell) "No I know. You said you wouldn't get mad. I'm just telling you I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did it."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Well then I owe you an apology."
  • (Will Ferrell) "No, you don't, at all. No."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Why would you take an apology if you didn't do it?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Because I'm cool. It doesn't matter"
  • (John C. Reilly) "Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword. And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "I would've done the exact same thing."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go."
  • (John C. Reilly) "On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Velociraptor."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Good Housekeeping."
  • (Will Ferrell) "If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "John Stamos."
  • (John C. Reilly) "What?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Did we just become best friends?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "Yep."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Do you wanna do karate in the garage?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "Yep."
  • (John C. Reilly) "We're in the bathroom."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on."
  • (John C. Reilly) "It's all slippery."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Look, I wanna' be honest with you. I really need a job. And, I will take any position; as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money, or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Hey Brenden"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Good to see ya Dale."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Thanks for hiring our catering company."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Easy decision. You guys have an outstanding track record."
  • (John C. Reilly) "This is like old times huh?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Ah, it really is."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You still have your night vision goggles?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance -- How about you? You still kickin' boards or breakin' holes in pumpkins or anything?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "No -- but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack."
  • (John C. Reilly) "That makes sense. You gotta keep an eye on it."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You really do."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Gotta knock off the sweets."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Thank you."
  • (Will Ferrell) "That's a tr- that's a truly funny observation."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Yeah."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Oh no, I'm late for school."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Look, we can bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys going to invest or not?"
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "That's it."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Please leave us alone Mr. Gardocki."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Dale -- Dale, I'm leaving for the conference."
  • (John C. Reilly) "You leave me money for pizza, Dad?"
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Yeah. There's $20 on the hall table. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy."
  • (John C. Reilly) "But what if I want wings?"
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "You don't need wings."
  • (John C. Reilly) "That's NOT ENOUGH, DAD."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "We're putting the house on the market."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Where are we moving?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Is the house haunted?"
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Well what about us?"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "I- I'm sorry. Robert -- we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment."
  • (John C. Reilly) "What's this all about?"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week."

Mary Steenburgen as Nancy Huff

  • (Mary Steenburgen) "You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on.""
  • (John C. Reilly) "That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "He left college his junior year because he said he wanted to join the family business."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "But -- you're a medical doctor."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Believe me, I've told him that."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "What about you Tiffany, what did you get for Christmas?"
  • (Elizabeth Yozamp) "I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace, but next year I'm gonna ask Santa for breast implants because I'm impatient with my body."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Brennan, Denise called and she said she can't spend New Year's Eve with you because she's not your girlfriend, she's your therapist."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Is that what she said? She's a rascal."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Well, as you all know, my youngest son, Derek, couldn't be here because of an important fishing trip. But my other son, Brennan, was going to be moving into his own place, but he was recently let go from his job at PetSmart, so he is gonna be living with us."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I wasn't fired from my job, I was laid off, but you wouldn't know the difference."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I DIDN'T WANT SALMON. I SAID IT FOUR TIMES."
  • (Will Ferrell) "This wedding is HORSESHIT."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "We completely understand. You were busy fishing -- with Mark Cuban."
  • (Adam Scott) "Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super chef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane. It was almost too much."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Hey, Brennan."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Mom, I'm watching the thing --"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Yeah. I'm leaving."
  • (Will Ferrell) "-- with the lady."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Okay, I'll be home around 11."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Bye, Mom."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Bye, Brennan."
  • (Unnamed) "Let's slowly get those hips up."
  • (Unnamed) "Good. Now, hold it right here. Great."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Guys. Guys. Guys."
  • (Will Ferrell) "I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy."
  • (John C. Reilly) "The clown has no penis."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "What kind of dreams are you guys having? Hey, it's 12:30. Brennan, your brother's coming today, so you might want to get up."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Today?"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Yep."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Shit."
  • (John C. Reilly) "What's your problem?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "My little brother is even a bigger asshole than you are."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Sweet Jesus. I love Korean food."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "I am Nancy Huff; I know how to make Tandoori Chicken."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "I contribute to NPR every single year --"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "-- and I love the movies of Rob Reiner. Pilates changed my life."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world --"
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "Oh, I LOVE the sea."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "And I drive a Mercedes and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "What did you just say?"
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Oh. I knew I shouldn't have told you that."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan- who still lives at home with me."

Adam Scott as Derek

  • (Adam Scott) "What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house -- for 30 percent above market?"
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "That'd be great. Could you do it?"
  • (Adam Scott) "Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd even do it for four-fifths commish -- because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "Oh God, you're impressive."
  • (Adam Scott) "Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man. You're my new stepdad. You're unbelievable."
  • (Mary Steenburgen) "I-I've never heard that laugh before."
  • (John C. Reilly) "Dad, why are you acting so weird?"
  • (Adam Scott) "What do we do now?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "We could hug."
  • (Adam Scott) "Yeah, you'd like that, faggot --. Sorry."
  • (Adam Scott) "What's up, faggots?"
  • (Adam Scott) "What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?"
  • (Will Ferrell) "Hi, Derek."
  • (Adam Scott) "Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here --"
  • (John C. Reilly) "What is your problem, man?"
  • (Adam Scott) "My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year."
  • (Adam Scott) "How much did you make?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "It's not about money --"
  • (Adam Scott) "No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money --"
  • (Adam Scott) "And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out."
  • (Adam Scott) "See these? See these boys? This is what I live with. Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen."
  • (Adam Scott) "Listen gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story -- and possibly the evening."
  • (Adam Scott) "I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you -- You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick."
  • (Rob Riggle) "Like Kobayashi."
  • (Adam Scott) "I've seen him do it."
  • (Will Ferrell) "You've actually seen him eating a man's penis?"
  • (Adam Scott) "It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it."
  • (Adam Scott) "It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer."
  • (Dr. Robert Doback) "You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and -- worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. IT IS ABSOLUTELY ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT YOUR FAULT."
  • (Adam Scott) "Of course it's their fault. They are the two biggest dickheads in the world and they're living in your house."
  • (Adam Scott) "I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out."
  • (Adam Scott) "See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?"
  • (John C. Reilly) "No."
  • (Adam Scott) "You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen."
  • (Adam Scott) "Not bad."
  • (Will Ferrell) "Eat shit, Derek."
  • (Adam Scott) "Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes. Let's go."

Andrea Savage as Denise

Rob Riggle as Randy

  • (Rob Riggle) "I don't know what it is about your face,"
  • (Rob Riggle) "but I just wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole."

Kathryn Hahn as Alice

  • (Kathryn Hahn) "Stay golden, Ponyboy."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "I wanna roll you up in a little ball and shove you up my vagina -- You could just live there, it's warm and it's cozy -- Oh I'd just walk around with you in there and just knowing, whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch it's your hair on my vagina."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "OH, I HATE MY LIFE, DALE."
  • (Kathryn Hahn) "DALE, I HATE MY LIFE."

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