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Stealing Harvard Quotes

Stealing Harvard is a television show that first aired in 1970 . Stealing Harvard ended its run in 1970.

It features Susan Cavan as producer, Christophe Beck in charge of musical score, and Ueli Steiger as head of cinematography.

Stealing Harvard is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Stealing Harvard is 85 minutes long. Stealing Harvard is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Tom Green as Duff, Jason Lee as John, John C. McGinley as Detective Charles, Leslie Mann as Elaine, Chris Penn as David Loach, and Dennis Farina as Mr. Warner.

Stealing Harvard Quotes

Tom Green as Duff

  • (Tom Green) "It's a good thing your here officers, because a crime has just been committed."
  • (Tom Green) "I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese."
  • (Tom Green) "All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners."
  • (Tom Green) "We should make up some fake names."
  • (Jason Lee) "Why?"
  • (Tom Green) "Just in case we have to communicate while we're inside."
  • (Jason Lee) "OK."
  • (Tom Green) "I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got two girls pregnant, man. Two girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle. Who you gonna be?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Steve --"
  • (Tom Green) "Steve."
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah."
  • (Tom Green) "OK, Steve."
  • (Jason Lee) "OK, Kyle."
  • (Tom Green) "Wait."
  • (Jason Lee) "What?"
  • (Tom Green) "I wanna change. I wanna be Steve."
  • (Jason Lee) "I'm Steve; You're Karl."
  • (Tom Green) "Kyle."
  • (Tom Green) "Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place."
  • (Jason Lee) "A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff."
  • (Tom Green) "Oh, yeah? Well maybe you'd like to define the word "weapon' for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour."
  • (Tom Green) "See those dead plants? I planted those."
  • (Tom Green) "I'm not liquid -- I'm not -- liquid."
  • (Tom Green) "Elaine -- I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch. She's a dirty, dumb bitch."
  • (Tom Green) "We're going skiing."
  • (Tom Green) "I'm not goin' in."
  • (Jason Lee) "What?"
  • (Tom Green) "Someone has to watch in case he comes home."
  • (Jason Lee) "I thought you said he was going to be out all night."
  • (Tom Green) "He will be out all night."
  • (Jason Lee) "Then why do we need a look-out?"
  • (Tom Green) "We don't. Just go in."
  • (Jason Lee) "You go in."
  • (Tom Green) "Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk?"
  • (Jason Lee) "What risk?"
  • (Tom Green) "There is no risk."
  • (Tom Green) "Just go."
  • (Tom Green) "The branch. Swing from the branch Rickey."
  • (Tom Green) "Ok just so we're all on the same page, I'm flying right now. Angel Dust. So lets keep it real, boys, keep it real and no bodys getting hurt."

Dennis Farina as Mr. Warner

  • (Dennis Farina) "Have you slept with my daughter?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Mr. Warner, I have never slept with Elaine."
  • (Dennis Farina) "Good. Godammit, that's good. Because if you had, John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let them rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzee cup. Have a good one."
  • (Dennis Farina) "I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity here. Now, if you have slept with her, you tell me here, you tell me now, and we'll let it go -- have you slept with my daughter?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Mr. Warner -- I have never slept with Elaine"
  • (Dennis Farina) "Good. Goddammit that's good. Because if you had John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let 'em rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzi cup. Have a good one."
  • (Dennis Farina) "This guy is a lump."

Jason Lee as John

  • (Jason Lee) "Elaine never liked my sister Patty. Maybe it was because Patty was a free spirit. I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling my own sister -- sexually indescriminate trailer trash."
  • (Jason Lee) "Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured."
  • (Unnamed) "Hi John how's your parents?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Dead, still."
  • (Jason Lee) "We've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in an overworked marching band."
  • (Jason Lee) "Dave. John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"?"
  • (Chris Penn) "I call everybody "asshole.""
  • (Jason Lee) "Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time?"
  • (Chris Penn) "Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point."
  • (Jason Lee) "Why didn't you just ring the door bell?"
  • (Tom Green) "I didn't wanna wake Elaine."

Chris Penn as David Loach

  • (Chris Penn) "Why is anybody talking?"

John C. McGinley as Detective Charles

  • (John C. McGinley) "I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me? He said "Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots -- just for a really good scrubbin' -- you guys think you're so smart don't you?"
  • (Tom Green) "No"
  • (John C. McGinley) "The way you made those survilence tapes just -- disapear? You just -- got rid of 'em some how --"
  • (Jason Lee) "What tapes?"
  • (John C. McGinley) "Will you do me a personal favor son?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Sure."
  • (John C. McGinley) "Don't ever play ME -- like a flute -- OK? Because see, you two idiots got real lucky, I don't have enough to keep you here. But mark my words gentlemen -- I mean -- you're goin' down. I mean -- you're either goin' down -- or by God i'm gonna' take you down. But either way -- once you're down?"
  • (John C. McGinley) "YOU'LL STAY DOWN. YOU'LL STAY DOWN. YOU -- WILL -- STAY DOWN."
  • (John C. McGinley) "Now get up and get out. Get up. get out. get up. get out. get up. get out. get up. get out. get up and go get up and go"
  • (John C. McGinley) "Don't touch my door."
  • (John C. McGinley) "I urge you to drop it."

Leslie Mann as Elaine

  • (Leslie Mann) "He's an asshole."
  • (Tom Green) "Mmm -- casserole."
  • (Leslie Mann) "I said asshole."
  • (Tom Green) "I heard casserole."

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