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Simon Birch Quotes

Simon Birch is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . Simon Birch ended its run in 1970.

It features Roger Birnbaum as producer, Marc Shaiman in charge of musical score, and Aaron Schneider as head of cinematography.

Simon Birch is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Simon Birch is 114 minutes long. Simon Birch is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Ian Michael Smith as Simon, Joseph Mazzello as Joe, Jim Carrey as Adult Joe Wenteworth, Thomas J. Burns as Simon Birch, Peter MacNeill as Mr. Birch, David Strathairn as Rev. Russell, and Ashley Judd as Rebecca Wenteworth.

Simon Birch Quotes

Ian Michael Smith as Simon

  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Now get over there with the other flying monkeys, where you belong."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Ahh. It's a horse."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "What if I said the same thing about your mother?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I'd have you committed."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "If God's made the church bake sale a priority, we're in a lot of trouble."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I look like a burn victim."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I'm a miracle you know."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Boobs."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I said, what does coffee and donuts have to do with God?"
  • (David Strathairn) "They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and talk about up coming events."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Who ever said church needs a continental breakfast?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I've been thinking."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "Yeah?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "So?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "It's the Virgin Mary, Eddie. What does Joseph have to do with anything?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "I'd have you committed."

Joseph Mazzello as Joe

  • (Joseph Mazzello) "I have faith. I just need proof to back it up."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "Jesus, Simon, you look like s***."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "Hey, your son is not a screw up, he's a hero."
  • (Peter MacNeill) "What?"
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that."
  • (Joseph Mazzello) "My balls just turned to prunes."
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "My balls just turned to raisins."

Jim Carrey as Adult Joe Wenteworth

  • (Jim Carrey) "Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with. It responds like a snail to our impatience, then it races like a gazelle when you can't catch a breath."
  • (Miss Leavy) "-- Well, there's the shepherds, but they don't do much;"
  • (Jim Carrey) "Miss Leavy always tried to downplay the role of the shepherds, but we weren't fooled. We knew that all you had to do was stand there with a staff and try not to laugh at all the poor fools with speaking parts."
  • (Jim Carrey) "I am doomed to remember a boy with a wrecked voice, not because of his voice, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God. What faith I have, I owe to Simon Birch, the boy I grew up with in Gravedown, Maine."
  • (Jim Carrey) "Ben Goodrich legally adopted me just two days before my 13th birthday. Not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. With Simon's help, I had finally found my real father."
  • (Jim Carrey) "When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother's scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Simon and I never talked much about that day on the baseball field. It was too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved my mother, I knew that Simon loved her just as much. She was the only real mother he ever had."

Thomas J. Burns as Simon Birch

  • (Thomas J. Burns) "Sex makes people crazy."
  • (Thomas J. Burns) "Thank you Miss Wenteworth."
  • (Ashley Judd) "You know what Simon? Thank you."
  • (Thomas J. Burns) "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

David Strathairn as Rev. Russell

  • (David Strathairn) "What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Thinking about God."
  • (David Strathairn) "In a corner?"
  • (Ian Michael Smith) "Faith is not in a floor plan."

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