Shallow Hal Quotes

Shallow Hal is a television show that first aired in 1970 . Shallow Hal ended its run in 1970.

It features Peter Farrelly as producer, William Goodrum in charge of musical score, and Russell Carpenter as head of cinematography.

Shallow Hal is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Shallow Hal is 113 minutes long. Shallow Hal is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Jack Black as Hal, Gwyneth Paltrow as Rosemary, Jason Alexander as Mauricio, Kyle Gass as Artie, Laura Kightlinger as Jen, Rene Kirby as Walt, Bruce McGill as Reverend Larson, and Susan Ward as Jill.

Shallow Hal Quotes

Jack Black as Hal

• (Tony Robbins) "You got a pattern of judging women by their exterior, we can't talk about it, we need to break it, I want you to ask yourself has there ever been a time where you have been increasingly shallow, you just looked at a woman and thought you were better then she was."
• (Jack Black) "All the time."
• (Tony Robbins) "DEVILS COME OUT."
• (Jack Black) "What the hell are you doing banana hands?"
• (Tony Robbins) "Just hang on, remember how I told you we just got to jolt your nervous system, not just talking about it, now I want you to relax, I won't do that again."
• (Jack Black) "Ok, I didn't mean the banana hands thing."
• (Tony Robbins) "That's ok."

• (Jack Black) "Jesus Christ. What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this s*** made out of, anyway?"
• (Unnamed) "Uhh -- Steel."

• (Jack Black) "What the; ? How did; ?"
• (Jack Black) "Get over here, Houdini."

• (Jack Black) "I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money."
• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "I never read that book."
• (Jack Black) "What book?"
• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "Things losers say."

• (Jack Black) "I feel bad for people who count calories. It's no way to live."

• (Jack Black) "I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two."
• (Jason Alexander) "So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?"

• (Jack Black) "So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?"
• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?"

• (Jack Black) "You know, there are a few times in a guy's life; and I mean two or three, tops; when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what he's been doing and be with any woman who'll have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe; maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, he's missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?"

• (Jack Black) "Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?"
• (Jason Alexander) "Wonder Woman."
• (Jack Black) "Okay -- let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive."
• (Jason Alexander) "It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong."
• (Jack Black) "See. That's what I had with Rosemary. I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw."
• (Jason Alexander) "You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?"

• (Jack Black) "And Vicki?"
• (Jason Alexander) "Who?"
• (Jack Black) "Vicki."
• (Jason Alexander) "Who's Vicki?"
• (Jack Black) "Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair."
• (Jason Alexander) "Vicki? I thought that was a guy. I was calling her Vic."

• (Jack Black) "Does she take the cake, or what?"
• (Jason Alexander) "She takes the whole bakery, Hal."

• (Jack Black) "There's Rosemary."
• (Jason Alexander) "Where?"
• (Jack Black) "Right there."
• (Jason Alexander) "Is she behind the Rhino?"

• (Jack Black) "See, the problem is I'm kinda picky"
• (Tony Robbins) "What do you mean, picky?"
• (Jack Black) "Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?"
• (Tony Robbins) "You're looking for a young Paulina type?"
• (Jack Black) "Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that."

• (Jack Black) "Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?"
• (Jason Alexander) "Third Party Perspective."

Gwyneth Paltrow as Rosemary

• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable."
• (Jack Black) "Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?"
• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice."

• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "Is that a Member's Only jacket?"
• (Jason Alexander) "Yes."
• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "So what are you, the last member?"

• (Gwyneth Paltrow) "I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear."

Jason Alexander as Mauricio

• (Jason Alexander) "What in the name of all that is holy?"

• (Jason Alexander) "Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile."

• (Jason Alexander) "That's why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow."

• (Jason Alexander) "You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp."

• (Jason Alexander) "Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go."
• (Jack Black) "What are you talking about?"
• (Jason Alexander) "We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place."
• (Jack Black) "What thing?"
• (Jason Alexander) "Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here."
• (Jack Black) "What are you doing?"
• (Jason Alexander) "I am rescuing you."
• (Jack Black) "From what?"
• (Jason Alexander) "From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what."

• (Jason Alexander) "Hey Hal, come look at this turd. It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.."

Susan Ward as Jill

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Kyle Gass as Artie

• (Kyle Gass) "It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?"
• (Jack Black) "What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?"
• (Laura Kightlinger) "High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league."
• (Jack Black) "What's that supposed to mean?"
• (Kyle Gass) "Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking."
• (Jack Black) "Oh. I thought she was implying something really mean."

Rene Kirby as Walt

• (Nurse Tanya Peeler) "What are those for?"
• (Rene Kirby) "You ever walked through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?"

Bruce McGill as Reverend Larson

• (Doctor) "Reverend Larson? Your son is here."
• (Bruce McGill) "Ok, sure. Send her in."

Laura Kightlinger as Jen

• (Laura Kightlinger) "Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks."
• (Kyle Gass) "If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately -- before you hurt the poor girl."

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