Seinfeld (season 9) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 9) is a television show that was first aired in 1997 on NBC. Seinfeld stopped airing in 1998.

Seinfeld (season 9) was on for 24 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 9) Quotes

• (George Costanza) "All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance."
• (Jerry) "You've made some fine exits."

• (Enzo) "How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?"
• (Newman) "What's the catch?"
• (Enzo) "You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair."
• (Newman) "Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts -- and a comb."

• (George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

• (Newman) "Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, where's he going?"
• (Newman) "I think he's stealing our rickshaw."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh then he's out."
• (Homeless Man) "I'll take the job."
• (Homeless Man) "Potato salad."

• (Jerry) "I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see -- a nipple."

• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books; The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine."
• (Elaine) "But, Mr. Peterman, I --"
• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, I have a question for you; is the item still with you?"
• (Elaine) "I guess so --"
• (Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed."

• (Jerry) "I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it."
• (Jenna) "When were you going to tell me this?"
• (Jerry) "Obviously never."

• (David Puddy) "I'll be back. We'll make out."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
• (Jerry) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
• (Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
• (Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."

• (George Costanza) "I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it -- I feel like Robert Wagner."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
• (Unnamed) "What for?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"

• (George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."

• (George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"

• (Jerry) "But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye."

• (Jerry) "Why not "G-Bone"?"
• (George Costanza) "There's no G-Bone."
• (Jerry) "There's a g-spot."
• (George Costanza) "HEY. That's a myth."

• (Unnamed) "You're insane."
• (Jerry) "Oh yes, quite."
• (Jerry) "Of course, it's a sliding scale."

• (Jerry) "It's Jerry. Who's this?"
• (Valerie) "It's Valerie."
• (Jerry) "Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?"
• (Valerie) "I'll tell you what's up; my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you."
• (Jerry) "Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?"

• (Jerry) "Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They want to know how come they never see you."

• (Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

• (Rental Car Agent) "Would you like insurance?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car."

• (Jerry) "You know, I never expected that movie --"
• (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "To end under water."
• (Jerry) "To be so long. Usually movies like that --"
• (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "Are a lot more violent."
• (Jerry) "Are a lot shorter."
• (Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "I should --"
• (Jerry) "Get going."

• (Ronnie) "I've been living a lie."
• (George Costanza) "You've been living a lie? I've been living -- like twenty."

• (Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."

• (George Costanza) "I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal -- medium orgasm."
• (Jerry) "I never had a really good pickle."

• (George Costanza) "You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
• (Elaine) "I've yada yada'ed sex."
• (George Costanza) "Really?"
• (Elaine) "Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
• (Jerry) "But you yada yada'd over the best part."
• (Elaine) "No, I mentioned the bisque."

• (Jerry) "See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot."
• (George Costanza) "Really?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land."
• (George Costanza) "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
• (Jerry) "You think?"
• (George Costanza) "I think we have."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, maybe we have."

• (Jerry) "Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night."
• (Elaine) "I know. I woke up with this."
• (Jerry) "Oh. Hello tetanus."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "They're trying to screw with your head."
• (Jerry) "Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I bought a chicken."
• (George Costanza) "Allow me."
• (George Costanza) "Why?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Cage-free farm-fresh eggs."
• (Jerry) "Allow me."
• (Jerry) "What are you, an idiot?"

• (Jerry) "You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate."
• (Newman) "What? I love broccoli."
• (Jerry) "Oh yeah? Taste."
• (Newman) "Vile weed."

• (Elaine) "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
• (Jerry) "Anything's possible."

• (George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
• (Jerry) "Bad situation --"

• (Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
• (George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty."

• (Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

• (George Costanza) "I got to go home and take a nap."
• (Jerry) "It's 10:30 in the morning."
• (George Costanza) "I'll tell you, I am wiped."

• (Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
• (George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
• (Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."

• (George Costanza) "Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know."

• (Jerry) "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."

• (George Costanza) "You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect."

• (Kruger) "The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?"
• (George Costanza) "Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane."
• (George Costanza) "Alright, that's it for me, you've been great. Good night, everybody."

• (Elaine) "How can you show your face around there?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "May I have one of those, madame?"

• (Morty Seinfeld) "Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me."
• (Jerry) "You know, I bought you a Cadillac -- Twice."

• (Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

• (Frank Costanza) "Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"

• (Jerry) "Why did you have to open your big mouth?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What?"
• (Jerry) "George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're just mad because you're having a bad day."
• (Jerry) "Yes. Because of you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, in that case I think one of us should leave."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You got room for the pig-man?"
• (George Costanza) "The pig-man can take the bus."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
• (George Costanza) "How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Be realistic George."

• (Frank Costanza) "Serenity now. Serenity now."
• (George Costanza) "What is that?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW""
• (George Costanza) "Are you supposed to yell it?"
• (Frank Costanza) "The man on the tape wasn't specific."

• (George Costanza) "Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face."

• (Jerry) "Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's not illegal."
• (Jerry) "It's against the law."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, yeah --"

• (Elaine) "Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's -- a high school graduate."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Equivalency."
• (Elaine) "Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh -- I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes -- fruit, and he just got, um -- a haircut."
• (Elaine) "Do I hear -- five bucks?"

• (Jerry) "I thought you weren't coming back till Monday."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
• (Jerry) "Why?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, there was an incident."
• (Jerry) "What happened?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."

• (Elaine) "Where's Kramer?"
• (Jerry) "Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo."

• (George Costanza) "Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
• (Jerry) "They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
• (Jerry) "No, no."
• (George Costanza) "No. No."
• (Jerry) "No steam."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."

• (Jerry) "I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is this oak?"
• (Mr. Lager) "Think it's pine."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Pine is good."
• (Mr. Lager) "Yeah, pine's okay."

• (Noel) "I am breaking up with YOU."
• (George Costanza) "You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
• (Noel) "And you're going to need it --"

• (George Costanza) "What kind of a person are you?"
• (Jerry) "I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful."

• (Jerry) "1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass."

• (Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, she was completely topless."
• (George Costanza) "How good of a look did you get?"
• (Jerry) "What do you mean?"
• (George Costanza) "Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police --"
• (Jerry) "They'd pick her up in about ten minutes."

• (Kruger) "Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go."
• (George Costanza) "Thank you, sir. Here's your gift."
• (Kruger) ""A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"? -- Whatever."
• (George Costanza) "Exactly."

• (George Costanza) "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
• (Jerry) "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

• (Marlene) "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
• (Jerry) "You're a cashier."

• (George Costanza) "They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour."

• (Jackie Chiles) "You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove."

• (George Costanza) "I got to get out of this city."
• (Jerry) "So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?"

• (Frank Costanza) "I have been performing feats of strength all morning."

• (Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
• (George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."

• (George Costanza) "Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work."
• (Jerry) "I've never had a job."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Poor Lily."

• (Elaine) "Who are they running against?"
• (Jerry) "Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hoochie Mama."

• (Jerry) "Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life."

• (George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
• (Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."

• (Elaine) "Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU."

• (George Costanza) "I was raised to say 'God bless you.'"
• (George Costanza) "Ah, shut up."

• (Estelle Costanza) "Well, I'm out there, George."
• (George Costanza) "No, you're not out there."
• (Estelle Costanza) "I am, too."
• (George Costanza) "You're not out there. You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
• (David Puddy) "Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?"
• (Elaine) "We have to break up."
• (David Puddy) "What?"
• (Elaine) "Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,"
• (Elaine) "YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG."

• (Jerry) "I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest; something's gotta give."

• (George Costanza) "What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?"
• (Jerry) "You do make good comments."
• (George Costanza) "So?"
• (Jerry) "Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting."
• (George Costanza) "Well that's really not fair."
• (Jerry) "I know."

• (George Costanza) "Who is this, Blue Arrow?"
• (Elaine) "No, the Green Lantern."
• (Jerry) "His superpower is lack of money."
• (Elaine) "All right."
• (Jerry) "He's invulnerable to creditors."
• (Elaine) "We get it."
• (Jerry) "He's the "Got No Green" Lantern."

• (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."

• (George Costanza) "There is no bigger loser than me."

• (Newman) "Hello, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Hello, Newman."

• (Russell Dalrymple) "So, what have you guys come up with?"
• (Jerry) "Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself --"
• (George Costanza) "May I?"
• (Jerry) "Go ahead."
• (George Costanza) "I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing."
• (Russell Dalrymple) "Nothing?"
• (George Costanza) "Nothing."
• (Russell Dalrymple) "What does that mean?"
• (George Costanza) "The show is about nothing."

• (George Costanza) "I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today."
• (Jerry) "Didn't you call in sick yesterday?"
• (George Costanza) "Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care -- and it shows."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished."

• (Jerry) "I'm not wearing the fur coat."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building."
• (Jerry) "Hmm --"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around."
• (Jerry) "Newman too?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Come on."

• (Elaine) "Why don't you park in a garage?"
• (George Costanza) "-- Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free."

• (Frank Costanza) "My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this."
• (Elaine) "You got that right."
• (Frank Costanza) "What the hell does that mean?"
• (Elaine) "That means whatever the hell you want it to mean."
• (Frank Costanza) "You saying you want a piece of me?"
• (Elaine) "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
• (Frank Costanza) "You want a piece of me? You got it."

• (Morty Seinfeld) "We just came for the funeral."
• (Helen Seinfeld) "Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early."
• (Jerry) "He was 96 years old."
• (Morty Seinfeld) "And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape."

• (Frank Costanza) "Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened to the doll?"
• (Frank Costanza) "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US."

• (George Costanza) "George is gettin' upset."

• (Jerry) "I think the candy comes out over there."
• (George Costanza) "People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up."
• (Jerry) "Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth."

• (Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
• (Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
• (Jerry) "Write it off what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
• (Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
• (Jerry) "No, I don't."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."

• (Jerry) "You know you're not Chinese."

• (Newman) "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control -- information."

• (Jerry) "Hello?"
• (Elaine) "So how's it going with my friend?"
• (Jerry) "She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs."
• (George Costanza) "So you slept with her?"
• (Jerry) "She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over."
• (George Costanza) "And you automatically sleep with her?"
• (Jerry) "I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of --"
• (George Costanza) "Finished your thought."
• (Jerry) "Yeah."

• (Jerry) "You will be stunned."
• (Elaine) "Stunned by soup?"
• (Jerry) "You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal."
• (Jerry) "Is she?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh you better believe it buddy."

• (Elaine) "Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie."

• (George Costanza) "In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker"."

• (George Costanza) "I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami."
• (Jerry) "Yeah. That's what you did."

• (Elaine) "David and I will not get back together."
• (Jerry) "Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

• (Unnamed) "So I got home -- and he was vacumming. I mean, he's twelve years old. Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent."
• (Elaine) "Excuse me -- excuse me."
• (Unnamed) "What's the problem?"
• (Elaine) "-- you're talking."

• (George Costanza) "For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."

• (Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
• (Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
• (Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
• (Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"

• (Jerry) "I prefer to do my own material."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "That's as good as anything you do."

• (George Costanza) "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
• (Jerry) "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend --"
• (George Costanza) "Yes, yes, yes --"
• (Jerry) "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk --"
• (George Costanza) "Okay, the point is made."
• (Jerry) "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen --"
• (Jerry) "The bad tipper."

• (Elaine) "Well, I'm going to hell."
• (Jerry) "That seems about right."

• (Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
• (George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
• (Cushman) "Go on."
• (George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
• (Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
• (George Costanza) "Of course."
• (Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
• (George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
• (Jerry) "Walk away?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free."
• (Jerry) "Isn't there a deductible?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right, what is your deductible?"
• (Jerry) "I don't know."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yes, because they've already deducted it."
• (Jerry) "From what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car."
• (Jerry) "We're not leaving the car."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf."

• (George Costanza) "You're really moving to California?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Up here, I'm already gone."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time."
• (George Costanza) "Why?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that coffee table book I wrote?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the company sold the movie rights to it."
• (George Costanza) "How are they going to make that book into a movie?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day"."
• (Jerry) "Oh. So, how much are they paying you?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time."
• (Jerry) "That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm officially retired."
• (Jerry) "From what?"

• (Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
• (Newman) "I usually do."
• (Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist."
• (Jerry) "Not Pennypacker."
• (Unnamed) "You know him?"
• (Jerry) "I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen."

• (Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"

• (Jerry) "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?"
• (Elaine) "That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents."
• (Jerry) "Still a ripoff."

• (Elaine) "Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman."
• (Jerry) "Boogeyman."
• (Elaine) "Boogey?"

• (George Costanza) "What's a three-letter word for "candy"?"
• (Jerry) "I can't do those things."

• (Jerry) "Why don't you watch it at your place?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN."

• (George Costanza) "I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?"
• (Jerry) "Elaine danced?"
• (George Costanza) "More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music."

• (Jerry) "The road less taken is less taken for a reason."

• (Jerry) "I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

• (Elaine) "My father thought George was gay."
• (Jerry) "It must have been the singing."
• (Elaine) "No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio."

• (Jerry) "Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life."
• (Elaine) "Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?"

• (George Costanza) "You could always move in with my parents."
• (Elaine) "Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?"
• (George Costanza) "Instinct."
• (Elaine) "Stick with the opposite."

• (Jerry) "It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey"; what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side; the Spanish Galleon." -there's no comeback for that."
• (Tony) "I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?"
• (Jerry) "The washer fluid is fine --"
• (Tony) "The washer fluid is not fine."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You'd better be careful with that coat -- You'll start a war."

• (Elaine) "Why does everything have to be so -- jokey with you?"
• (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."

• (Izzy Mandelbaum) "Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian."
• (Jerry) "Actually, I am a comedian."
• (Izzy Mandelbaum) "That's not funny."

• (Unnamed) "Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor."
• (Jerry) "You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?"
• (Unnamed) "Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
• (Jerry) "All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody."

• (Jerry) "I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The cat; mmrrrooowwwrr; is out of the bag."

• (Jerry) "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there -- you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it -- you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you; 'these are your friends. Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party."

• (Unnamed) "Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?"
• (Unnamed) "Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
• (Jerry) "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
• (Unnamed) "No."
• (Jerry) "Well, now you know how I feel."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
• (Jerry) "I could ballpark --"

• (Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

• (George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."

• (Jerry) "You with these too?"
• (George Costanza) "I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method; he jumps."
• (Jerry) "Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You'll be the world's first pirate."
• (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a pirate."

• (George Costanza) "Well, I heard a noise."
• (Jerry) "What noise?"
• (George Costanza) "You know, blah --"
• (Jerry) "What blah?"
• (George Costanza) "From the bathroom."
• (Jerry) "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
• (George Costanza) "Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom."
• (Elaine) "So you're concerned?"
• (George Costanza) "Elaine, of course I'm concerned -- I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."

• (Jerry) "Yes?"
• (Unnamed) "Jerry Seinfeld?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?"
• (Unnamed) "What cigars?"
• (Jerry) "Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans."
• (Unnamed) "Yes. We are the Cubans."

• (Unnamed) "I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand."
• (Elaine) "It's ironic."
• (Unnamed) "What's ironic?"
• (Elaine) "This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties."
• (Unnamed) "No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?"

• (Jerry) "Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Sure."
• (Jerry) "Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?"

• (Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

• (Jerry) "Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

• (George Costanza) "A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
• (Jerry) "You walk around with no underwear."
• (George Costanza) "Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?"
• (Jerry) "I do a wash."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're becoming one of the glitterati."
• (George Costanza) "What's that?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "People who glitter."

• (Elaine) "Okay, what's your answer to number 74?"
• (Ben) "Uh, metabolic acidosis."
• (Elaine) "No. Hypokalemia. Not metabolic acidosis. Duh."

• (Frank Costanza) "I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona."

• (Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
• (George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
• (Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
• (George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
• (Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
• (Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."

• (Jerry) "What is this salty discharge?"

• (Elaine) "Jerry, it's B.O."
• (Jerry) "But the whole car smells."
• (Elaine) "So?"
• (Jerry) "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."

• (George Costanza) "When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure."

• (Jerry) "All right, hey, you've been great. See you at the cafeteria."

• (Jerry) "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
• (David Puddy) "I don't much care for that term."
• (Jerry) "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know --"
• (David Puddy) "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
• (Jerry) "I saw one once that could do sign language."
• (David Puddy) "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh -- Koko."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, Koko."
• (David Puddy) "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret."

• (George Costanza) "But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?"
• (Jerry) "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?"
• (George Costanza) "Flame on."

• (George Costanza) "Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?"
• (Jerry) "No, what happened to you?"
• (George Costanza) "All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries"."
• (Jerry) "I'm Vandelay Industries?"
• (George Costanza) "Right."
• (Jerry) "What is that?"
• (George Costanza) "You're in latex."
• (Jerry) "What do I do with latex?"
• (George Costanza) "I don't know, you manufacture it."
• (Elaine) "Right here in this little apartment?"
• (Jerry) "And what do I say about you?"
• (George Costanza) "You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman."
• (Jerry) "I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?"
• (George Costanza) "Because I asked you to."
• (Jerry) "If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff."

• (George Costanza) "Here's the outlet."
• (Slippery Pete) "The what?"
• (George Costanza) "The outlet. Where the electricity comes from."
• (Slippery Pete) "Oh, you mean the holes."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist."
• (Jerry) "I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum."

• (Jerry) "Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce."
• (Newman) "I love broccoli. It's good for you."
• (Jerry) "Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?"
• (Newman) "Gladly."
• (Newman) "Vile weed."

• (Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
• (Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
• (Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."

• (Jerry) "Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you."
• (George Costanza) "But they seemed so disorganized --"

• (George Costanza) "I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances."
• (Jerry) "You have made some good exits."

• (Blaine) "What was bad about The English Patient?"
• (Elaine) "Only that it sucked."

• (George Costanza) "So, what've you been doing with yourself?"
• (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
• (George Costanza) "Yeah, well -- I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, yeah --"
• (Jerry) "Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?"

• (Jerry) "Oh right, the new job. How is it?"
• (George Costanza) "I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm."
• (Jerry) "So who's the new you?"
• (George Costanza) "We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier."
• (Jerry) "And a deadbolt."

• (Elaine) "Ugh, I hate people."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, they're the worst."

• (Jerry) "Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there."
• (Elaine) "So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?"
• (Jerry) "UNDATABLE."
• (Elaine) "So how are all these people gettin' together?"
• (Jerry) "Alcohol."

• (Dean Jones) "Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
• (Dean Jones) "As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken."
• (Dean Jones) "I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary."
• (Dean Jones) "Your fly's open."

• (George Costanza) "You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister."
• (Jerry) "What does that even mean?"

• (Jerry) "Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes."
• (Elaine) "Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21."
• (Jerry) "Elaine, booze isn't a religion."
• (Elaine) "Tell that to my father --"

• (Newman) "Damn."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's Newman. Quick open the door."
• (Jerry) "I see ya Newman, I see ya."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taking the Congo as a penalty."

• (George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

• (Jerry) "I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
• (George Costanza) "What is a gander, anyway?"
• (Jerry) "It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted."
• (Jerry) "Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his -- other bag of cans."

• (Newman) "Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier."
• (Jerry) "I tried my best."
• (Newman) "Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform."
• (Jerry) "You know, this is your coat."
• (Newman) "Damn."

• (Jerry) "Hola."
• (Elaine) "Shove it."
• (Jerry) "What's with the get up?"
• (Elaine) "I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day."
• (Jerry) "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."

• (David Puddy) "Feels like an Arby's night."

• (George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
• (Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
• (George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
• (Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
• (George Costanza) "You think so?"
• (Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
• (Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."

• (Elaine) "Oh, Stuart's a lot better. "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.""

• (Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."

• (George Costanza) "So I reached in -- felt around -- and pulled out the obstruction."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh."

• (Jerry) "No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute."
• (George Costanza) "How much are you paying this maid?"
• (Jerry) "$40."
• (George Costanza) "$40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing."

• (George Costanza) "I have to have my tonsils taken out."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, man. No. George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you."
• (Jerry) "It's routine surgery."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going"
• (Cosmo Kramer) ""My name is Bob.""

• (George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
• (George Costanza) "Of course you do."

• (George Costanza) "She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on."
• (Jerry) "Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on."

• (Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
• (George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
• (Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
• (George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
• (Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."

• (Jerry) "And yet, we've discovered another talent; posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."

• (Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
• (Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
• (Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."

• (Jerry) "Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well don't look at me."
• (Jerry) "It's your fault."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people."

• (George Costanza) "I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker."
• (Jerry) "The Daily Worker has personals?"
• (George Costanza) "And; get this; they said that appearance wasn't important."
• (Jerry) "Yours or hers?"

• (Frank Costanza) "I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman."
• (Estelle Costanza) "Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them."

• (Jerry) "See -- I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?"

• (George Costanza) "This could be my chance to give something back."
• (Jerry) "You want to give something back, start with the $20,000."

• (Jerry) "Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good; what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again."

• (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
• (George Costanza) "Hmmm."
• (Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
• (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
• (Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning."
• (Elaine) "I don't understand; you were wearing the pants you were returning?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I guess I was."
• (Elaine) "What were you going to wear home?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yo Yo Ma."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy -- Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look."
• (George Costanza) "Stink eye?"
• (Jerry) "Crook eye?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "EVIL eye."

• (George Costanza) "This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks."

• (Jerry) "Who knows where she gets any of those losers --"
• (George Costanza) "You're on that list."

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
• (Jerry) "Line 2?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."

• (Jerry) "Hello, 911? How are ya?"

• (George Costanza) "I think it's time for George's lunch."
• (George Steinbrenner) "Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me."

• (George Costanza) "I gotta call Elaine."
• (Jerry) "She's out."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, yeah. The blind date."
• (Jerry) "They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."

• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
• (George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola."

• (Unnamed) "Have you been in here before?"
• (George Costanza) "About a year ago. Wedding invitations."
• (Unnamed) "How did that work out?"
• (George Costanza) "No complaints."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I've got gonorrhea."
• (Elaine) "That seems about right."

• (George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
• (George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."

• (Jerry) "She has never been with a man in her entire life."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- I'm Kramer."

• (Elaine) "What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?"
• (Unnamed) "Hey, sit down, I can't see."
• (Unnamed) "Get out of the way."
• (Elaine) "I can't find my seat."
• (Unnamed) "Just move."
• (Elaine) "No, you move."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, go around, you buncha crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed."

• (Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
• (Elaine) "Opium?"
• (Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."

• (Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"

• (Unnamed) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack."
• (Jerry) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing."

• (George Costanza) ""Sweet fancy Moses""

• (George Costanza) "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
• (Jerry) "Cheapness is not a sense."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
• (Jerry) "Boy, you can really talk some trash."
• (Jerry) "I guess that's better than eating it."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
• (Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
• (George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a jo

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