Seinfeld (season 8) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 8) is a TV program that first aired in 1996 on NBC. Seinfeld ended in 1997.

Seinfeld (season 8) lasted 22 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 8) Quotes

(Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

(Uncle Leo) "Jerry -- H E L L O"

(Mr. Lager) "Well, we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'll take it."
(Mr. Lager) "Awright, sir"

(George Costanza) "So, what've you been doing with yourself?"
(Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
(George Costanza) "Yeah, well -- I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
(Jerry) "Yeah, yeah --"
(Jerry) "Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."

(Blaine) "What was bad about The English Patient?"
(Elaine) "Only that it sucked."

(George Costanza) "I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it -- I feel like Robert Wagner."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
(Jerry) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
(Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
(Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."

(Jerry) "Trouble."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "George."
(Elaine) "Is it?"
(Jerry) "Yeah."
(Elaine) "Damn."

(Cosmo Kramer) "No, she was completely topless."
(George Costanza) "How good of a look did you get?"
(Jerry) "What do you mean?"
(George Costanza) "Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police --"
(Jerry) "They'd pick her up in about ten minutes."

(Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
(George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."

(Elaine) "Okay, what's your answer to number 74?"
(Ben) "Uh, metabolic acidosis."
(Elaine) "No. Hypokalemia. Not metabolic acidosis. Duh."

(Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
(George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

(Jerry) "Elaine, you don't understand. This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."

(Elaine) "Where's Kramer?"
(Jerry) "Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo."

(Jerry) "Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?"
(Newman) "As a matter of fact, I did."
(Jerry) "Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame."

(Cosmo Kramer) "What do you use for decoration?"
(Frank Costanza) "An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting."

(George Costanza) "Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday."

(Jerry) "So how's the fornicating gourmet?"
(George Costanza) "Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate."
(Jerry) "George, we're trying to have a civilization here."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I think he's done guys."
(Cosmo Kramer) "No he's not. He's throwing the WOODS."

(Elaine) "I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT."

(Jerry) "I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?"

(George Costanza) "Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane."
(Jerry) "Really, how?"
(George Costanza) "Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign."
(Jerry) "Right."
(George Costanza) "Anything in the lip area is good."
(Jerry) "Lip area, yeah."
(George Costanza) "A hug, definitely good."
(Jerry) "Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart."
(George Costanza) "Those are brutal."
(Jerry) "You know how they do that."
(George Costanza) "Also, you know a shake is bad."
(Jerry) "Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes."
(George Costanza) "The hand sandwich."
(Jerry) "Right."
(George Costanza) "Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes."
(George Costanza) "The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual."

(Elaine) "You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."
(George Costanza) "It doesn't help."

(Unnamed) "You're insane."
(Jerry) "Oh yes, quite."
(Jerry) "Of course, it's a sliding scale."

(Unnamed) "I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand."
(Elaine) "It's ironic."
(Unnamed) "What's ironic?"
(Elaine) "This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties."
(Unnamed) "No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "That's a lotta potatoes."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You'll be the world's first pirate."
(Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a pirate."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance."
(Pam) "That is so true."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened --"
(Newman) "-- shell."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell."
(Pam) "Kramer, that is so lovely."
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's by an unknown 20th century poet."
(Pam) "Oh? What's his name?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Newman."

(Jerry) "Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."

(Mr. Lippman) "It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?"
(George Costanza) "Who said that?"
(Mr. Lippman) "She did."
(George Costanza) "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon -- you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time."
(Mr. Lippman) "You're fired."
(George Costanza) "Well, you didn't have to say it like that."

(George Costanza) "So I reached in -- felt around -- and pulled out the obstruction."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh."

(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books; The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine."
(Elaine) "But, Mr. Peterman, I --"
(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, I have a question for you; is the item still with you?"
(Elaine) "I guess so --"
(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed."

(Elaine) "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
(Jerry) "Anything's possible."

(Jerry) "Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Giddyup."
(Jerry) "Now, get out."

(Cosmo Kramer) "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing."

(Jerry) "The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted."
(George Costanza) "Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring."
(Jerry) "It's not like that at all."

(Jerry) "Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes."
(Elaine) "Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21."
(Jerry) "Elaine, booze isn't a religion."
(Elaine) "Tell that to my father --"

(George Costanza) "Do women know about shrinkage?"
(Elaine) "What do you mean? Like laundry?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Jerry) "Like when a man goes swimming -- afterwards --"
(Elaine) "It shrinks?"
(Jerry) "Like a frigthened turtle."
(Elaine) "Why does it shrink?"
(George Costanza) "It just does."
(Elaine) "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

(Elaine) "Well, you know, I -- I have watched Peterman run the company."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Sure you have."
(Elaine) "I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that."

(George Costanza) "You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister."
(Jerry) "What does that even mean?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you."
(Jerry) "Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Not as many as there used to be."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Poor Lily."

(George Costanza) "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
(Jerry) "You can't over-dry."
(George Costanza) "Why not?"
(Jerry) "Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry."
(George Costanza) "Any questions?"

(Frank Costanza) "George, festivus is your heritage."

(George Costanza) "She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on."
(Jerry) "Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on."

(George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"

(Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
(Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."

(George Costanza) "So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving -- The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window."

(Frank Costanza) "I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona."

(George Costanza) "The sea was angry that day, my friends; like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella." And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish."
(Jerry) "Mammal."
(George Costanza) "Whatever."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, what did you do next?"
(George Costanza) "Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him; face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What is that, a Titleist?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Hole in one, huh?"

(Jerry) "What is THAT book doing on the table?"
(Elaine) "What? What is wrong with this book?"
(Jerry) "That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom."
(Elaine) "ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through."

(Jerry) "You can't just leave the group."
(Elaine) "Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm out."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest."

(Morty Seinfeld) "We just came for the funeral."
(Helen Seinfeld) "Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early."
(Jerry) "He was 96 years old."
(Morty Seinfeld) "And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape."

(Russell Dalrymple) "So, what have you guys come up with?"
(Jerry) "Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself --"
(George Costanza) "May I?"
(Jerry) "Go ahead."
(George Costanza) "I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing."
(Russell Dalrymple) "Nothing?"
(George Costanza) "Nothing."
(Russell Dalrymple) "What does that mean?"
(George Costanza) "The show is about nothing."

(George Costanza) "Only I could fail at failing."

(Jerry) "So how was it?"
(George Costanza) "I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks."
(Jerry) "Well, its a first visit."
(George Costanza) "Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this."
(George Costanza) "I'm only paying half."
(Jerry) "You can't do that."
(George Costanza) "Why not?"
(Jerry) "He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says."
(George Costanza) "Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say."

(George Costanza) "Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all -- at all -- Do not feel like you have to take it."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(George Costanza) "If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it -- because, uh, you know -- I-I-I could take it, you know."
(Jerry) "You could take it? You want it?"
(George Costanza) "No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it."
(Jerry) "So you -- do want it?"
(George Costanza) "No, I want it if you don't want it."
(Jerry) "You just said you wanted it."
(George Costanza) "No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it."

(Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."

(George Costanza) "Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face."

(George Costanza) "It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal."
(Jerry) "Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?"

(George Costanza) "I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances."
(Jerry) "You have made some good exits."

(Jerry) "That's a shame."

(George Costanza) "What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?"
(Jerry) "You do make good comments."
(George Costanza) "So?"
(Jerry) "Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting."
(George Costanza) "Well that's really not fair."
(Jerry) "I know."

(Jerry) "I hear that all the time."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "That I'm gay. People think I'm gay."
(Elaine) "People ask me that about you all the time."
(Jerry) "Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat."
(George Costanza) "Guess that leaves me in the clear --"

(George Costanza) "Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work."
(Jerry) "I've never had a job."

(George Costanza) "Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home."

(Jerry) "What the hell is that crap?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's Pagliacci, Jerry."

(Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

(Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
(George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
(Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
(George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""

(George Costanza) "For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow."

(George Costanza) "All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance."
(Jerry) "You've made some fine exits."

(Newman) "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control -- information."

(George Costanza) "When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
(David Puddy) "Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?"
(Elaine) "We have to break up."
(David Puddy) "What?"
(Elaine) "Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,"
(Elaine) "YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG."

(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, can you keep a secret?"
(Elaine) "No sir, I can't."

(Elaine) "Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman."
(Jerry) "Boogeyman."
(Elaine) "Boogey?"

(Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

(George Costanza) "Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
(Jerry) "They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages."
(George Costanza) "Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together."

(Elaine) "This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah."

(George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"

(Jerry) "So your saying UNICEF is a scam?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."

(Jerry) "She has never been with a man in her entire life."
(Cosmo Kramer) "-- I'm Kramer."

(Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
(Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
(Jerry) "Write it off what?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
(Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
(Jerry) "No, I don't."
(Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."

(Jerry) "Helllllooooo. La, la, la."

(Jerry) "See -- I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "Mmm -- boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch"

(George Costanza) "Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant."
(George Costanza) "It's not complicated."
(Unnamed) "Now, who are you again?"
(George Costanza) "George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary."
(Unnamed) "Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?"
(George Costanza) "Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?"
(Unnamed) "We won the World Series."
(George Costanza) "In six games."

(Elaine) "Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's -- a high school graduate."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Equivalency."
(Elaine) "Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh -- I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes -- fruit, and he just got, um -- a haircut."
(Elaine) "Do I hear -- five bucks?"

(Frank Costanza) "Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"

(George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

(George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."

(George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
(George Costanza) "Hmmm."
(Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
(George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
(Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."

(George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
(Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
(George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
(Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
(George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
(Newman) "Hey, thanks."

(Jerry) "Who knows where she gets any of those losers --"
(George Costanza) "You're on that list."

(George Costanza) "I have to have my tonsils taken out."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, man. No. George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you."
(Jerry) "It's routine surgery."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going"
(Cosmo Kramer) ""My name is Bob.""

(Cosmo Kramer) "See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum."

(Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."

(George Costanza) "Well, I heard a noise."
(Jerry) "What noise?"
(George Costanza) "You know, blah --"
(Jerry) "What blah?"
(George Costanza) "From the bathroom."
(Jerry) "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
(George Costanza) "Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom."
(Elaine) "So you're concerned?"
(George Costanza) "Elaine, of course I'm concerned -- I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."

(Elaine) "Married women don't "get together". They have affairs."
(George Costanza) "Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money."

(Elaine) "Will this hurt?"
(Doctor) "Yes, very much."

(Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
(George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
(Cushman) "Go on."
(George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
(Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
(George Costanza) "Of course."
(Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
(George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."

(George Costanza) "Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?"
(Elaine) "Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy"
(Jerry) "Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?"
(Elaine) "Listen to me you, little shi --"
(George Costanza) "Smile."

(George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
(Unnamed) "What for?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"

(Jerry) "You know, I never expected that movie --"
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "To end under water."
(Jerry) "To be so long. Usually movies like that --"
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "Are a lot more violent."
(Jerry) "Are a lot shorter."
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "I should --"
(Jerry) "Get going."

(George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
(George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
(Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."

(George Costanza) "I'm speechless. I have no speech."

(George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"

(Ronnie) "I've been living a lie."
(George Costanza) "You've been living a lie? I've been living -- like twenty."

(George Costanza) "A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
(Jerry) "You walk around with no underwear."
(George Costanza) "Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?"
(Jerry) "I do a wash."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st -- How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe."

(Jerry) "If you feed him, he'll never leave."

(Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
(Newman) "I usually do."
(Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."

(Jerry) "I thought you weren't coming back till Monday."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, there was an incident."
(Jerry) "What happened?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Who is Joseph Cotton. Giddy-up."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What is pie. Oooh. Giddy-up again."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What is the Cha-Cha. Yes, indeed."

(Unnamed) "Have you been in here before?"
(George Costanza) "About a year ago. Wedding invitations."
(Unnamed) "How did that work out?"
(George Costanza) "No complaints."

(Jerry) "What are you saying?"
(Elaine) "I'm not saying anything."
(Jerry) "You're saying something."
(Elaine) "What could I be saying?"
(Jerry) "Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something."
(Elaine) "If I were saying something, I would have said it."
(Jerry) "So why don't you say it?"
(Elaine) "I said it."
(Jerry) "What did you say?"
(Elaine) "Nothing."

(Jerry) "All right, hey, you've been great. See you at the cafeteria."

(Jerry) "What's this? You said you were watching a video."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage."

(Frank Costanza) "I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman."
(Estelle Costanza) "Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them."

(Jerry) "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."

(Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
(Elaine) "Opium?"
(Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."

(Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."

(Jerry) "It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal."

(Jerry) "You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate."
(Newman) "What? I love broccoli."
(Jerry) "Oh yeah? Taste."
(Newman) "Vile weed."

(Jerry) "Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Sure."
(Jerry) "Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time."
(George Costanza) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that coffee table book I wrote?"
(Jerry) "Yeah."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the company sold the movie rights to it."
(George Costanza) "How are they going to make that book into a movie?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day"."
(Jerry) "Oh. So, how much are they paying you?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time."
(Jerry) "That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time."
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm officially retired."
(Jerry) "From what?"

(Jerry) "Oh right, the new job. How is it?"
(George Costanza) "I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm."
(Jerry) "So who's the new you?"
(George Costanza) "We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school."

(Jerry) "Marla."
(Marla Penny) "Jerry."
(Jerry) "George, Marla."
(George Costanza) "Marla."
(Marla Penny) "George. Jerry, Stacy."
(Jerry) "Stacy."
(Stacy) "Jerry."
(Jerry) "George, Stacy."
(George Costanza) "Stacy."
(Stacy) "George."
(Jerry) "George."
(George Costanza) "Jerry, Marla. Stacy."

(George Costanza) "Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin' -- Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car --"

(Elaine) "David and I will not get back together."
(Jerry) "Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist."
(Jerry) "I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength."

(George Costanza) "I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming."
(Jerry) "I think she saw it coming."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I've got gonorrhea."
(Elaine) "That seems about right."

(Jerry) "So, did they get tired of Koko yet?"
(George Costanza) "Oh yeah."
(Jerry) "Zero zero?"
(George Costanza) "That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa."

(Kruger) "Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go."
(George Costanza) "Thank you, sir. Here's your gift."
(Kruger) ""A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"? -- Whatever."
(George Costanza) "Exactly."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe."
(George Costanza) "That's unbelievable."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital."
(George Costanza) "You ran?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy; step on it.""
(George Costanza) "Holy cow."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy.""
(Cosmo Kramer) "Knocked him out cold."
(George Costanza) "How could you do that?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
(Jerry) "Wow."
(George Costanza) "You're Batman."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."
(Jerry) "You kept making all the stops?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, people kept ringing the bell."

(George Costanza) "My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal."
(Jerry) "Is she?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh you better believe it buddy."

(Jerry) "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
(David Puddy) "I don't much care for that term."
(Jerry) "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know --"
(David Puddy) "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
(Jerry) "I saw one once that could do sign language."
(David Puddy) "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh -- Koko."
(Jerry) "Yeah, Koko."
(David Puddy) "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."

(George Costanza) "They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry."
(Jerry) "Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
(George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
(Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You got money?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have a woman?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any prospects?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You got anything on the horizon?"
(George Costanza) "Uh, no."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any action at all?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
(George Costanza) "I like to get the Daily News."

(Jerry) "See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot."
(George Costanza) "Really?"
(Jerry) "Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land."
(George Costanza) "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
(Jerry) "You think?"
(George Costanza) "I think we have."
(Jerry) "Yeah, maybe we have."

(George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."

(Jerry) "I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see -- a nipple."

(Elaine) "YOU'RE BALD."
(George Costanza) "Correction. I WAS bald."

(Jerry) "I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me."

(Elaine) "You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high."
(Jerry) "I went out with you."
(Elaine) "That's because my standards are too low."

(Jerry) "George Costanza -- Is getting married."
(Elaine) "Get out."

(Jerry) "Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there."
(Elaine) "So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable?"
(Jerry) "UNDATABLE."
(Elaine) "So how are all these people gettin' together?"
(Jerry) "Alcohol."

(Estelle Costanza) "Well, I'm out there, George."
(George Costanza) "No, you're not out there."
(Estelle Costanza) "I am, too."
(George Costanza) "You're not out there. You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence."

(Cushman) "I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants."
(George Steinbrenner) "Nice to meet you."
(George Costanza) "Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego."
(George Steinbrenner) "Hire this man."

(George Costanza) "I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up"."
(Elaine) "Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?"
(George Costanza) "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?"

(George Costanza) "What kind of a person are you?"
(Jerry) "I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Smooth -- Creamy -- Delicate, yet -- Masculine --."

(Jerry) "You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy -- Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window."

(Elaine) "Anna, whose jacket is that?"
(Anna) "It's mine."
(Elaine) "Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear."

(Jerry) "You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum."

(Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?"
(Elaine) "That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents."
(Jerry) "Still a ripoff."

(Jerry) "He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys --"

(Elaine) "What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?"
(Unnamed) "Hey, sit down, I can't see."
(Unnamed) "Get out of the way."
(Elaine) "I can't find my seat."
(Unnamed) "Just move."
(Elaine) "No, you move."

(Corinne) "George maybe we should move away."
(George Costanza) "That won't be necessary."
(George Costanza) "Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats. We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you -- and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I thought you said she stinks."
(Jerry) "She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry."

(Jackie Chiles) "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations."

(George Costanza) "I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal -- medium orgasm."
(Jerry) "I never had a really good pickle."

(Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
(Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
(Elaine) "I don't understand."
(Jerry) "Exactly."

(Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

(George Costanza) "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood."

(Jerry) "All you did was not die for twelve months."

(Jerry) "That -- is one magic loogie."

(Elaine) "We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people."

(Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

(George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

(Cosmo Kramer) "See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier."
(Jerry) "And a deadbolt."

(Jerry) "Is this a gym or a fitness museum?"

(Jerry) "It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey"; what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side; the Spanish Galleon." -there's no comeback for that."
(Tony) "I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?"
(Jerry) "The washer fluid is fine --"
(Tony) "The washer fluid is not fine."

(Jerry) "Well, what does this mean?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry."

(Elaine) "Oh, Stuart's a lot better. "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.""

(George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
(Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
(George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
(Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
(George Costanza) "You think so?"
(Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
(George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
(Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."

(George Costanza) "About your -- metamorphosis. When did it happen?"
(Susan Biddle Ross) "About right after I broke up with you."

(Enzo) "How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?"
(Newman) "What's the catch?"
(Enzo) "You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair."
(Newman) "Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts -- and a comb."

(George Costanza) "So, did you get your new plates?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh -- yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates."
(George Costanza) "What do they say?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Assman."
(Jerry) "Assman?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman."
(Jerry) "Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?"
(George Costanza) "Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's."
(Jerry) "It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, or it could be a proctologist."
(Jerry) "Yeah. Proctologist."
(George Costanza) "Come on. No doctor would put that on his car."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.""

(Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

(Elaine) "A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?"
(George Costanza) "Yes, you. You and every woman like you."

(Unnamed) "So I got home -- and he was vacumming. I mean, he's twelve years old. Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent."
(Elaine) "Excuse me -- excuse me."
(Unnamed) "What's the problem?"
(Elaine) "-- you're talking."

(George Costanza) "I think it's time for George's lunch."
(George Steinbrenner) "Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me."

(George Costanza) "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
(Jerry) "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend --"
(George Costanza) "Yes, yes, yes --"
(Jerry) "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk --"
(George Costanza) "Okay, the point is made."
(Jerry) "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen --"
(Jerry) "The bad tipper."

(George Costanza) "When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure."

(Jerry) "Yada, Yada, Yada."

(George Costanza) "I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning."
(Elaine) "I don't understand; you were wearing the pants you were returning?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I guess I was."
(Elaine) "What were you going to wear home?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there."

(Jerry) "WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit --"
(Unnamed) "Jerry, what are you doing?"
(Jerry) "I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
(Jerry) "No, no."
(George Costanza) "No. No."
(Jerry) "No steam."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."

(Unnamed) "Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist."
(Jerry) "Not Pennypacker."
(Unnamed) "You know him?"
(Jerry) "I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen."

(Jerry) "Ah, you're crazy."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?"
(Jerry) "It's impossible."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?"
(Jerry) "It can't be."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
(Jerry) "All right, that's enough."

(Newman) "You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified."
(Unnamed) "I could listen to you talk all day about mail."
(Newman) "I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless."

(Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side"."

(Jerry) "You will be stunned."
(Elaine) "Stunned by soup?"
(Jerry) "You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle."

(Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."

(Jerry) "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer -- but not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure -- my twinkle. Everything I have I owe to this face."
(Jerry) "And your teeth -- they're all brown."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Look away. I'm hideous."

(Jerry) "Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce."
(Newman) "I love broccoli. It's good for you."
(Jerry) "Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?"
(Newman) "Gladly."
(Newman) "Vile weed."

(George Costanza) "I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all."

(Jerry) "Hey, Jughead."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Hi, Archie."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Veronica."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Mr. Weatherbee."

(George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
(Jerry) "Bad situation --"

(George Costanza) "And I got a job interview. It's in sports."
(Jerry) "Mets? Rangers?"
(George Costanza) "Playground equipment."
(Jerry) "Welcome back to the show."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
(Jerry) "Walk away?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and the

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