Seinfeld (season 7) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 7) is a television program that appeared on TV in 1995 on NBC. Seinfeld completed its run in 1996.

Seinfeld (season 7) aired for 24 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 7) Quotes

(Elaine) "Why does everything have to be so -- jokey with you?"
(Jerry) "I'm a comedian."

(Elaine) "Where's Kramer?"
(Jerry) "Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo."

(Jerry) "You know you're not Chinese."

(Jerry) "Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes."
(Elaine) "Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21."
(Jerry) "Elaine, booze isn't a religion."
(Elaine) "Tell that to my father --"

(George Costanza) "Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends --"
(Jerry) "That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends."
(Jerry) "Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either --"

(Jerry) "He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys --"

(David Puddy) "I'll be back. We'll make out."

(Jerry) "So how was it?"
(George Costanza) "I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks."
(Jerry) "Well, its a first visit."
(George Costanza) "Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this."
(George Costanza) "I'm only paying half."
(Jerry) "You can't do that."
(George Costanza) "Why not?"
(Jerry) "He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says."
(George Costanza) "Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say."

(Elaine) "It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?"
(Jerry) "But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

(George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
(Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."

(Kruger) "Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go."
(George Costanza) "Thank you, sir. Here's your gift."
(Kruger) ""A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"? -- Whatever."
(George Costanza) "Exactly."

(Elaine) "YOU'RE BALD."
(George Costanza) "Correction. I WAS bald."

(Cosmo Kramer) "What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year."
(Jerry) "It's your third day."
(Cosmo Kramer) "I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later."
(Jerry) "Well, call if you're gonna be late."

(George Costanza) "I'm speechless. I have no speech."

(Jerry) "All you did was not die for twelve months."

(Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

(Jerry) "Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Giddyup."
(Jerry) "Now, get out."

(George Costanza) "Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant."
(George Costanza) "It's not complicated."
(Unnamed) "Now, who are you again?"
(George Costanza) "George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary."
(Unnamed) "Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?"
(George Costanza) "Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?"
(Unnamed) "We won the World Series."
(George Costanza) "In six games."

(Cosmo Kramer) "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket."
(George Costanza) "How do you know?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died."
(George Costanza) "51 people? I thought it was more like 1000."
(Cosmo Kramer) "There were 1,560 survivors."
(George Costanza) "That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?"

(Uncle Leo) "Jerry -- H E L L O"

(Jerry) "Hello, 911? How are ya?"

(Priest) "Tell me your sins, my son."
(Jerry) "Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish."
(Priest) "That's no sin."
(Jerry) "Oh, good."

(George Costanza) "When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure."

(George Costanza) "Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as --"
(Kruger) "Koko the Monkey."

(Cosmo Kramer) "May I have one of those, madame?"

(Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
(Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
(Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."

(Elaine) "Oh, Stuart's a lot better. "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.""

(Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
(Unnamed) "What for?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"

(Jerry) "I think the candy comes out over there."
(George Costanza) "People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up."
(Jerry) "Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth."

(Frank Costanza) "Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What happened to the doll?"
(Frank Costanza) "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US."

(George Costanza) "So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?"
(Elaine) "I did."
(Jerry) "And the Christian rock?"
(Elaine) "Resurrected."

(Elaine) "Anna, whose jacket is that?"
(Anna) "It's mine."
(Elaine) "Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear."

(Jerry) "Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life."

(Elaine) "You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high."
(Jerry) "I went out with you."
(Elaine) "That's because my standards are too low."

(Jerry) "It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal."

(George Costanza) "Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans."
(Jerry) "Those belong to people."

(Elaine) "What are you doing?"
(Unnamed) "Vincent stopped making picks."
(Elaine) "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?"
(Unnamed) "We have a wide variety of Gene Picks."
(Elaine) "Gene's trash."
(Unnamed) "I'm Gene."
(Elaine) "Hi."

(Jerry) "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."

(Elaine) "Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul."

(Elaine) "Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman."
(Jerry) "Boogeyman."
(Elaine) "Boogey?"

(Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
(Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."

(Jerry) "I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me."

(George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."

(George Costanza) "What gives you pleasure?"
(Jerry) "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine."
(George Costanza) "Celia is up for parole."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Who?"
(George Costanza) "What?"
(Jerry) "I'm too tired."

(George Costanza) "Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
(Jerry) "They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages."
(George Costanza) "Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together."

(Jerry) "Hello?"
(Elaine) "So how's it going with my friend?"
(Jerry) "She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs."
(George Costanza) "So you slept with her?"
(Jerry) "She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over."
(George Costanza) "And you automatically sleep with her?"
(Jerry) "I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of --"
(George Costanza) "Finished your thought."
(Jerry) "Yeah."

(George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

(George Costanza) "Someday, before I die, mark my words -- I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do."
(Jerry) "And if you do?"
(George Costanza) "Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this."

(Jackie Chiles) "You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?"

(Jerry) "The road less taken is less taken for a reason."

(George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
(Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
(George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
(Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
(George Costanza) "Of course you do."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning."
(Elaine) "I don't understand; you were wearing the pants you were returning?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I guess I was."
(Elaine) "What were you going to wear home?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there."

(George Costanza) "Well, I heard a noise."
(Jerry) "What noise?"
(George Costanza) "You know, blah --"
(Jerry) "What blah?"
(George Costanza) "From the bathroom."
(Jerry) "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
(George Costanza) "Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom."
(Elaine) "So you're concerned?"
(George Costanza) "Elaine, of course I'm concerned -- I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."

(George Costanza) "About your -- metamorphosis. When did it happen?"
(Susan Biddle Ross) "About right after I broke up with you."

(George Costanza) "Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane."
(Jerry) "Really, how?"
(George Costanza) "Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign."
(Jerry) "Right."
(George Costanza) "Anything in the lip area is good."
(Jerry) "Lip area, yeah."
(George Costanza) "A hug, definitely good."
(Jerry) "Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart."
(George Costanza) "Those are brutal."
(Jerry) "You know how they do that."
(George Costanza) "Also, you know a shake is bad."
(Jerry) "Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes."
(George Costanza) "The hand sandwich."
(Jerry) "Right."
(George Costanza) "Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes."
(George Costanza) "The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual."

(George Costanza) "I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming."
(Jerry) "I think she saw it coming."

(Noel) "I am breaking up with YOU."
(George Costanza) "You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
(Noel) "And you're going to need it --"

(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm out."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest."

(George Costanza) "I love you, Jer."
(Jerry) "Right back at you, slick."

(George Costanza) "So I reached in -- felt around -- and pulled out the obstruction."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh."

(Jerry) "You know, I never expected that movie --"
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "To end under water."
(Jerry) "To be so long. Usually movies like that --"
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "Are a lot more violent."
(Jerry) "Are a lot shorter."
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "I should --"
(Jerry) "Get going."

(George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
(George Costanza) "Hmmm."
(Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
(George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
(Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."

(Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?"
(Elaine) "That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents."
(Jerry) "Still a ripoff."

(George Costanza) "I gotta call Elaine."
(Jerry) "She's out."
(George Costanza) "Oh, yeah. The blind date."
(Jerry) "They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."

(George Costanza) "Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work."
(Jerry) "I've never had a job."

(Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."

(Unnamed) "So I got home -- and he was vacumming. I mean, he's twelve years old. Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent."
(Elaine) "Excuse me -- excuse me."
(Unnamed) "What's the problem?"
(Elaine) "-- you're talking."

(Newman) "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control -- information."

(Jerry) "I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
(George Costanza) "What is a gander, anyway?"
(Jerry) "It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it."

(George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
(Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
(George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
(Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
(George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
(Newman) "Hey, thanks."

(Jerry) "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer -- but not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure -- my twinkle. Everything I have I owe to this face."
(Jerry) "And your teeth -- they're all brown."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Look away. I'm hideous."

(Elaine) "Who are they running against?"
(Jerry) "Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair."

(Jerry) "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there -- you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it -- you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you; 'these are your friends. Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party."

(Lloyd Braun) "You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow."
(George Costanza) "What do you know? You were in the nut house."
(Lloyd Braun) "What do you think put me there?"
(George Costanza) "I heard they found a family in your freezer."
(Lloyd Braun) "Serenity now. Insanity later."

(George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"

(George Costanza) "You could always move in with my parents."
(Elaine) "Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?"
(George Costanza) "Instinct."
(Elaine) "Stick with the opposite."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st -- How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe."

(Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "Wow, restaurant. Flowers --"
(Jerry) "Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?"
(Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "It's fine."
(Jerry) "Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man."
(Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "What is with you?"
(Jerry) "You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD."

(Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
(George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."

(Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
(George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
(Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."

(George Costanza) "You're really moving to California?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Up here, I'm already gone."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance."
(Pam) "That is so true."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened --"
(Newman) "-- shell."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell."
(Pam) "Kramer, that is so lovely."
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's by an unknown 20th century poet."
(Pam) "Oh? What's his name?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Newman."

(George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

(Jerry) "Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Sure."
(Jerry) "Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?"

(Rental Car Agent) "Would you like insurance?"
(Jerry) "Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car."

(Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
(George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
(Cushman) "Go on."
(George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
(Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
(George Costanza) "Of course."
(Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
(George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."

(George Costanza) "Here's the outlet."
(Slippery Pete) "The what?"
(George Costanza) "The outlet. Where the electricity comes from."
(Slippery Pete) "Oh, you mean the holes."

(Jerry) "Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you."
(George Costanza) "But they seemed so disorganized --"

(George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

(George Costanza) "What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?"
(Jerry) "You do make good comments."
(George Costanza) "So?"
(Jerry) "Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting."
(George Costanza) "Well that's really not fair."
(Jerry) "I know."

(Unnamed) "Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor."
(Jerry) "You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
(Jerry) "All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody."

(Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."

(Unnamed) "Can I help you?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology."

(Jerry) "I'm not wearing the fur coat."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building."
(Jerry) "Hmm --"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around."
(Jerry) "Newman too?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Come on."

(Izzy Mandelbaum) "Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian."
(Jerry) "Actually, I am a comedian."
(Izzy Mandelbaum) "That's not funny."

(Marlene) "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
(Jerry) "You're a cashier."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted."
(Jerry) "Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months."
(Cosmo Kramer) "We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his -- other bag of cans."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
(George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
(Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You got money?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have a woman?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any prospects?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You got anything on the horizon?"
(George Costanza) "Uh, no."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any action at all?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
(George Costanza) "I like to get the Daily News."

(Cosmo Kramer) "What happened?"
(Elaine) "Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head; was Mary Hart on TV?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah."
(Elaine) "That's it. That is it. Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures."

(George Costanza) "You're killing independent George."

(George Costanza) "This could be my chance to give something back."
(Jerry) "You want to give something back, start with the $20,000."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I bought a chicken."
(George Costanza) "Allow me."
(George Costanza) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Cage-free farm-fresh eggs."
(Jerry) "Allow me."
(Jerry) "What are you, an idiot?"

(Jerry) "Where's Marcy?"
(George Costanza) "She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months."

(Jerry) "But are you still master of your domain?"
(George Costanza) "I'm king of the county. You?"
(Jerry) "I'm lord of the manor."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hoochie Mama."

(Jerry) "You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum."

(Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
(Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
(Jerry) "Write it off what?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
(Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
(Jerry) "No, I don't."
(Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."

(Frank Costanza) "George, festivus is your heritage."

(Jerry) "Yada, Yada, Yada."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I've got gonorrhea."
(Elaine) "That seems about right."

(Jerry) "But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye."

(Jerry) "This woman's completely ignoring me."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster -- Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer."
(Jerry) "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."

(Jerry) "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."

(George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"

(Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
(Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
(Elaine) "I don't understand."
(Jerry) "Exactly."

(George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."

(Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

(George Costanza) "Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?"
(Elaine) "Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy"
(Jerry) "Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?"
(Elaine) "Listen to me you, little shi --"
(George Costanza) "Smile."

(George Costanza) "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?"
(Jerry) "Because you're not a dermatologist."

(George Costanza) "I got to go home and take a nap."
(Jerry) "It's 10:30 in the morning."
(George Costanza) "I'll tell you, I am wiped."

(Elaine) "What's this? What happened to your fur?"
(David Puddy) "I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball."
(Elaine) "So you're going to wear this all the time?"
(David Puddy) "All signs point to yes."

(Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
(George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

(Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."

(Jerry) "That's a shame."

(Cosmo Kramer) "What do you use for decoration?"
(Frank Costanza) "An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting."

(Jerry) "I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest; something's gotta give."

(Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."

(Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
(George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
(Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
(George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
(Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
(Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."

(Mr. Lippman) "It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?"
(George Costanza) "Who said that?"
(Mr. Lippman) "She did."
(George Costanza) "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon -- you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time."
(Mr. Lippman) "You're fired."
(George Costanza) "Well, you didn't have to say it like that."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished."

(Jerry) "Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies."

(Jerry) "Hey, Jughead."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Hi, Archie."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Veronica."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Mr. Weatherbee."

(Jackie Chiles) "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations."

(Morty Seinfeld) "We just came for the funeral."
(Helen Seinfeld) "Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early."
(Jerry) "He was 96 years old."
(Morty Seinfeld) "And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape."

(Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."

(Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, go around, you buncha crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed."

(Jerry) "I prefer to do my own material."
(Cosmo Kramer) "That's as good as anything you do."

(Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
(Newman) "I usually do."
(Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."

(George Costanza) "I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."

(Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"

(George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
(George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
(Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."

(Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"

(George Costanza) "I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it -- I feel like Robert Wagner."

(Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
(Jerry) "You're serious?"
(Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
(Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
(Jerry) "I could ballpark --"

(George Costanza) "George is gettin' upset."

(George Costanza) "I was raised to say 'God bless you.'"
(George Costanza) "Ah, shut up."

(Cushman) "I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants."
(George Steinbrenner) "Nice to meet you."
(George Costanza) "Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego."
(George Steinbrenner) "Hire this man."

(George Costanza) "So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island."
(Jerry) "Maybe."
(George Costanza) "This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island."

(Jerry) "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Mmm -- boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch"

(Elaine) "Jerry, it's B.O."
(Jerry) "But the whole car smells."
(Elaine) "So?"
(Jerry) "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."

(Enzo) "How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?"
(Newman) "What's the catch?"
(Enzo) "You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair."
(Newman) "Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts -- and a comb."

(George Costanza) "I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal -- medium orgasm."
(Jerry) "I never had a really good pickle."

(Jerry) "Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."

(Morty Seinfeld) "Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me."
(Jerry) "You know, I bought you a Cadillac -- Twice."

(Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
(Jerry) "Boy, you can really talk some trash."
(Jerry) "I guess that's better than eating it."

(Jerry) "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
(David Puddy) "I don't much care for that term."
(Jerry) "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know --"
(David Puddy) "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
(Jerry) "I saw one once that could do sign language."
(David Puddy) "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh -- Koko."
(Jerry) "Yeah, Koko."
(David Puddy) "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."

(George Costanza) "Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home."

(David Puddy) "Feels like an Arby's night."

(George Costanza) "I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man."

(Jerry) "And yet, we've discovered another talent; posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."

(Jerry) "You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it."
(Jerry) "This is an idiot."
(George Costanza) "Is that right?"
(George Costanza) "I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
(Roxanne) "You're all winners."
(George Costanza) "But suddenly, a new contender has emerged --"

(George Costanza) "I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up"."
(Elaine) "Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?"
(George Costanza) "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?"

(George Costanza) "Did you get the video camera?"
(Jerry) "Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box."
(Jerry) "That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora.""
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well, she had one too."

(George Costanza) "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
(Jerry) "Cheapness is not a sense."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You know, they botched my vasectomy?"
(Jerry) "They botched it?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm even more potent now."

(George Costanza) "I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."
(Jerry) "Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise."

(George Costanza) "So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving -- The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window."

(Jerry) "Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up."

(Unnamed) "Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?"
(Jerry) "Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?"
(Unnamed) "Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
(Jerry) "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
(Unnamed) "No."
(Jerry) "Well, now you know how I feel."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time."
(George Costanza) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that coffee table book I wrote?"
(Jerry) "Yeah."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the company sold the movie rights to it."
(George Costanza) "How are they going to make that book into a movie?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day"."
(Jerry) "Oh. So, how much are they paying you?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time."
(Jerry) "That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time."
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm officially retired."
(Jerry) "From what?"

(Mr. Lager) "Well, we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'll take it."
(Mr. Lager) "Awright, sir"

(Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."

(George Costanza) "You've got to apologize."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(George Costanza) "Because its the mature and adult thing to do."
(Jerry) "How does that affect me?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side."

(Jerry) "Hola."
(Elaine) "Shove it."
(Jerry) "What's with the get up?"
(Elaine) "I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day."
(Jerry) "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."

(George Costanza) "Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday."

(George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"

(Jerry) "So your saying UNICEF is a scam?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."

(George Costanza) "It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal."
(Jerry) "Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?"

(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books; The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine."
(Elaine) "But, Mr. Peterman, I --"
(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, I have a question for you; is the item still with you?"
(Elaine) "I guess so --"
(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed."

(George Costanza) "I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
(Jerry) "Really?"
(George Costanza) "That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?"

(Elaine) "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
(Jerry) "Anything's possible."

(George Costanza) "She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk.""
(Jerry) "Uh, the four worst words in the English language."
(George Costanza) "That, or "Who's bra is this?""

(Jerry) "Who knows where she gets any of those losers --"
(George Costanza) "You're on that list."

(Elaine) "A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?"
(George Costanza) "Yes, you. You and every woman like you."

(Jerry) "The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted."
(George Costanza) "Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring."
(Jerry) "It's not like that at all."

(George Costanza) "I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today."
(Jerry) "Didn't you call in sick yesterday?"
(George Costanza) "Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care -- and it shows."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe."
(George Costanza) "That's unbelievable."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital."
(George Costanza) "You ran?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy; step on it.""
(George Costanza) "Holy cow."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy.""
(Cosmo Kramer) "Knocked him out cold."
(George Costanza) "How could you do that?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
(Jerry) "Wow."
(George Costanza) "You're Batman."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."
(Jerry) "You kept making all the stops?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, people kept ringing the bell."

(Jerry) "Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

(George Costanza) "A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
(Jerry) "You walk around with no underwear."
(George Costanza) "Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?"
(Jerry) "I do a wash."

(Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
(Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."

(George Costanza) "And I got a job interview. It's in sports."
(Jerry) "Mets? Rangers?"
(George Costanza) "Playground equipment."
(Jerry) "Welcome back to the show."

(Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
(George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."

(Elaine) "What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?"
(Unnamed) "Hey, sit down, I can't see."
(Unnamed) "Get out of the way."
(Elaine) "I can't find my seat."
(Unnamed) "Just move."
(Elaine) "No, you move."

(Newman) "Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, where's he going?"
(Newman) "I think he's stealing our rickshaw."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh then he's out."
(Homeless Man) "I'll take the job."
(Homeless Man) "Potato salad."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman."
(Jerry) "Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made."

(Jerry) "What is THAT book doing on the table?"
(Elaine) "What? What is wrong with this book?"
(Jerry) "That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom."
(Elaine) "ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through."

(Jerry) "I hear that all the time."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "That I'm gay. People think I'm gay."
(Elaine) "People ask me that about you all the time."
(Jerry) "Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat."
(George Costanza) "Guess that leaves me in the clear --"

(George Costanza) "I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?"
(Jerry) "Elaine danced?"
(George Costanza) "More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music."

(Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid."

(George Costanza) "So, did you get your new plates?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh -- yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates."
(George Costanza) "What do they say?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Assman."
(Jerry) "Assman?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman."
(Jerry) "Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?"
(George Costanza) "Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's."
(Jerry) "It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, or it could be a proctologist."
(Jerry) "Yeah. Proctologist."
(George Costanza) "Come on. No doctor would put that on his car."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.""

(George Costanza) "I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter -- I was raised to give up."

(George Costanza) "So, what've you been doing with yourself?"
(Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
(George Costanza) "Yeah, well -- I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
(Jerry) "Yeah, yeah --"
(Jerry) "Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?"

(George Costanza) "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
(Jerry) "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, can you keep a secret?"
(Elaine) "No sir, I can't."

(Jerry) "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo."

(Jerry) "George Costanza -- Is getting married."
(Elaine) "Get out."

(George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
(Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
(George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
(Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
(George Costanza) "You think so?"
(Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
(George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
(Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you."
(Jerry) "Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Not as many as there used to be."

(Jerry) "I thought you weren't coming back till Monday."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, there was an incident."
(Jerry) "What happened?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."

(George Costanza) "I have to have my tonsils taken out."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, man. No. George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you."
(Jerry) "It's routine surgery."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going"
(Cosmo Kramer) ""My name is Bob.""

(Cosmo Kramer) "Poor Lily."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."

(Jerry) "WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit --"
(Unnamed) "Jerry, what are you doing?"
(Jerry) "I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink."

(Cosmo Kramer) "They're

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.

Your email:
New quote (or change to quote):

Additional Film and TV Quotes

Seinfeld (season 7) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 7) Quotes

Add or Update Quotes

Additional Film and TV Quotes

Legal

You Might Like

Contact Us

Email