Seinfeld (season 6) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 6) is a television program that was first aired in 1994 on NBC. Seinfeld stopped airing in 1995.

Seinfeld (season 6) was on for 24 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 6) Quotes

• (Jerry) "Elaine, you don't understand. This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."

• (Jerry) "Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?"

• (George Costanza) "In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker"."

• (Jerry) "Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
• (Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."

• (George Costanza) "Here's the outlet."
• (Slippery Pete) "The what?"
• (George Costanza) "The outlet. Where the electricity comes from."
• (Slippery Pete) "Oh, you mean the holes."

• (Elaine) "Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's -- a high school graduate."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Equivalency."
• (Elaine) "Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh -- I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes -- fruit, and he just got, um -- a haircut."
• (Elaine) "Do I hear -- five bucks?"

• (George Costanza) "What kind of a person are you?"
• (Jerry) "I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful."

• (George Costanza) "You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
• (Elaine) "I've yada yada'ed sex."
• (George Costanza) "Really?"
• (Elaine) "Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
• (Jerry) "But you yada yada'd over the best part."
• (Elaine) "No, I mentioned the bisque."

• (George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."

• (George Costanza) "You've got to apologize."
• (Jerry) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "Because its the mature and adult thing to do."
• (Jerry) "How does that affect me?"

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
• (Jerry) "Line 2?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."

• (Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

• (Jerry) "Helllllooooo. La, la, la."

• (Newman) "Hello, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Hello, Newman."

• (George Costanza) "I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
• (Jerry) "Really?"
• (George Costanza) "That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?"

• (Elaine) "How can you show your face around there?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
• (David Puddy) "Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?"
• (Elaine) "We have to break up."
• (David Puddy) "What?"
• (Elaine) "Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,"
• (Elaine) "YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "May I have one of those, madame?"

• (Elaine) "Why don't you park in a garage?"
• (George Costanza) "-- Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free."

• (Jerry) "Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I'm fried."
• (Jerry) "Technically, you're sautéed."

• (Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
• (Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
• (Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."

• (Unnamed) "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?"
• (Jerry) "Yes."

• (Frank Costanza) "Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened to the doll?"
• (Frank Costanza) "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year."
• (Jerry) "It's your third day."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later."
• (Jerry) "Well, call if you're gonna be late."

• (George Costanza) "I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man."

• (Jerry) "Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night."
• (Elaine) "I know. I woke up with this."
• (Jerry) "Oh. Hello tetanus."

• (Jerry) "I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
• (George Costanza) "What is a gander, anyway?"
• (Jerry) "It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it."

• (George Costanza) "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood."

• (Elaine) "What are you doing?"
• (Unnamed) "Vincent stopped making picks."
• (Elaine) "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?"
• (Unnamed) "We have a wide variety of Gene Picks."
• (Elaine) "Gene's trash."
• (Unnamed) "I'm Gene."
• (Elaine) "Hi."

• (Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
• (Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
• (Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
• (Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"

• (George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
• (Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
• (George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
• (Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
• (George Costanza) "You think so?"
• (Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
• (Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."

• (George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"

• (George Costanza) "Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends --"
• (Jerry) "That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends."
• (Jerry) "Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either --"

• (Newman) "Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier."
• (Jerry) "I tried my best."
• (Newman) "Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform."
• (Jerry) "You know, this is your coat."
• (Newman) "Damn."

• (Gary Fogel) "Good for you, Jack."

• (George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."

• (Jerry) "You know you're not Chinese."

• (George Costanza) "She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on."
• (Jerry) "Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on."

• (Jerry) "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
• (David Puddy) "I don't much care for that term."
• (Jerry) "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know --"
• (David Puddy) "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
• (Jerry) "I saw one once that could do sign language."
• (David Puddy) "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh -- Koko."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, Koko."
• (David Puddy) "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."

• (George Costanza) "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
• (Jerry) "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend --"
• (George Costanza) "Yes, yes, yes --"
• (Jerry) "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk --"
• (George Costanza) "Okay, the point is made."
• (Jerry) "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen --"
• (Jerry) "The bad tipper."

• (Jerry) "Well, what does this mean?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry."

• (Jerry) "I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp."

• (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "Wow, restaurant. Flowers --"
• (Jerry) "Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?"
• (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "It's fine."
• (Jerry) "Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man."
• (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "What is with you?"
• (Jerry) "You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD."

• (Jerry) "Why did you have to open your big mouth?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What?"
• (Jerry) "George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're just mad because you're having a bad day."
• (Jerry) "Yes. Because of you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, in that case I think one of us should leave."

• (George Costanza) "You're killing independent George."

• (Lloyd Braun) "You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow."
• (George Costanza) "What do you know? You were in the nut house."
• (Lloyd Braun) "What do you think put me there?"
• (George Costanza) "I heard they found a family in your freezer."
• (Lloyd Braun) "Serenity now. Insanity later."

• (Elaine) "Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls."

• (Jerry) "I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see -- a nipple."

• (Jerry) "It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal."

• (Jerry) "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away."

• (Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
• (George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
• (Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
• (George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
• (Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
• (Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."

• (Jerry) "WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit --"
• (Unnamed) "Jerry, what are you doing?"
• (Jerry) "I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink."

• (George Costanza) "Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday."

• (Elaine) "We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people."

• (Jerry) "Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They want to know how come they never see you."

• (Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
• (George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance."
• (Pam) "That is so true."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened --"
• (Newman) "-- shell."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell."
• (Pam) "Kramer, that is so lovely."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's by an unknown 20th century poet."
• (Pam) "Oh? What's his name?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Newman."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "That's a lotta potatoes."

• (George Costanza) "Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
• (Jerry) "They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
• (Jerry) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
• (Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
• (Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."

• (Elaine) "Jerry, it's B.O."
• (Jerry) "But the whole car smells."
• (Elaine) "So?"
• (Jerry) "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."

• (Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
• (Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
• (Jerry) "Write it off what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
• (Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
• (Jerry) "No, I don't."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."

• (George Costanza) "I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all."

• (Elaine) "Well, I'm going to hell."
• (Jerry) "That seems about right."

• (Priest) "Tell me your sins, my son."
• (Jerry) "Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish."
• (Priest) "That's no sin."
• (Jerry) "Oh, good."

• (George Costanza) "You could always move in with my parents."
• (Elaine) "Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?"
• (George Costanza) "Instinct."
• (Elaine) "Stick with the opposite."

• (George Costanza) "You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister."
• (Jerry) "What does that even mean?"

• (George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

• (George Costanza) "Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hoochie Mama."

• (Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"

• (Unnamed) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack."
• (Jerry) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza."

• (George Costanza) "So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?"
• (Elaine) "I did."
• (Jerry) "And the Christian rock?"
• (Elaine) "Resurrected."

• (George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"

• (George Costanza) "What gives you pleasure?"
• (Jerry) "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."

• (George Costanza) "Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans."
• (Jerry) "Those belong to people."

• (George Costanza) ""Sweet fancy Moses""

• (Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."

• (Cushman) "I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants."
• (George Steinbrenner) "Nice to meet you."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego."
• (George Steinbrenner) "Hire this man."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty."

• (Jerry) "You with these too?"
• (George Costanza) "I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method; he jumps."
• (Jerry) "Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich."

• (Jerry) "And yet, we've discovered another talent; posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."

• (Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

• (Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I've got gonorrhea."
• (Elaine) "That seems about right."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid."

• (Jerry) "Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?"
• (George Costanza) "I am not giving you my code."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'll bet I can guess it."
• (George Costanza) "Pssh. Yeah. Right."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?"
• (George Costanza) "Huh?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth."
• (George Costanza) "Get out of here."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean."
• (George Costanza) "I'm leaving."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you."
• (George Costanza) "I gotta go."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon. Ovaltine. Hershey's."
• (George Costanza) "Shut up."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Nestlé's Quik."
• (George Costanza) "Shut up."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."

• (Elaine) "Where's Kramer?"
• (Jerry) "Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo."

• (George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

• (Elaine) "Married women don't "get together". They have affairs."
• (George Costanza) "Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money."

• (George Costanza) "I like DeSoto."
• (Jerry) "DeSoto? What did he do?"
• (George Costanza) "He discovered Mississippi."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway."

• (Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, go around, you buncha crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I think he's done guys."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No he's not. He's throwing the WOODS."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The cat; mmrrrooowwwrr; is out of the bag."

• (Jerry) "But are you still master of your domain?"
• (George Costanza) "I'm king of the county. You?"
• (Jerry) "I'm lord of the manor."

• (Jerry) "What is this salty discharge?"

• (Jerry) "So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you."
• (George Costanza) "They could've at least tried --"

• (Elaine) "Okay, what's your answer to number 74?"
• (Ben) "Uh, metabolic acidosis."
• (Elaine) "No. Hypokalemia. Not metabolic acidosis. Duh."

• (Jerry) "Ah, you're crazy."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?"
• (Jerry) "It's impossible."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?"
• (Jerry) "It can't be."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
• (Jerry) "All right, that's enough."

• (George Costanza) "And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine."
• (Jerry) "That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add --"

• (Jerry) "You can't just leave the group."
• (Elaine) "Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios."

• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
• (George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""

• (Frank Costanza) "Serenity now. Serenity now."
• (George Costanza) "What is that?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW""
• (George Costanza) "Are you supposed to yell it?"
• (Frank Costanza) "The man on the tape wasn't specific."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
• (Jerry) "Walk away?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free."
• (Jerry) "Isn't there a deductible?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right, what is your deductible?"
• (Jerry) "I don't know."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yes, because they've already deducted it."
• (Jerry) "From what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car."
• (Jerry) "We're not leaving the car."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf."

• (Jerry) "I prefer to do my own material."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "That's as good as anything you do."

• (George Costanza) "Well, I heard a noise."
• (Jerry) "What noise?"
• (George Costanza) "You know, blah --"
• (Jerry) "What blah?"
• (George Costanza) "From the bathroom."
• (Jerry) "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
• (George Costanza) "Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom."
• (Elaine) "So you're concerned?"
• (George Costanza) "Elaine, of course I'm concerned -- I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."

• (George Costanza) "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
• (Jerry) "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

• (George Costanza) "I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances."
• (Jerry) "You have made some good exits."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."

• (Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU."

• (Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
• (Jerry) "You're serious?"
• (Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
• (Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."

• (George Costanza) "Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know."

• (George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
• (Jerry) "Bad situation --"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who is Joseph Cotton. Giddy-up."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is pie. Oooh. Giddy-up again."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is the Cha-Cha. Yes, indeed."

• (Jerry) "I think the candy comes out over there."
• (George Costanza) "People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up."
• (Jerry) "Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth."

• (Jerry) "So your saying UNICEF is a scam?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine."
• (George Costanza) "Celia is up for parole."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Who?"
• (George Costanza) "What?"
• (Jerry) "I'm too tired."

• (Uncle Leo) "Jerry -- H E L L O"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished."

• (George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
• (Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."

• (Jerry) "Oh, this is interesting --"
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "Jane's topless."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yo yo ma."
• (Jerry) "Boutros Boutros Ghali --"
• (Elaine) "Nice rack."

• (Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."

• (George Costanza) "This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio."

• (Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."

• (Elaine Benes) "Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
• (Jerry) "No, there's less."

• (Jerry) "You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate."
• (Newman) "What? I love broccoli."
• (Jerry) "Oh yeah? Taste."
• (Newman) "Vile weed."

• (Jerry) "Yada, Yada, Yada."

• (Newman) "You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified."
• (Unnamed) "I could listen to you talk all day about mail."
• (Newman) "I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless."

• (George Costanza) "Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane."
• (Jerry) "Really, how?"
• (George Costanza) "Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign."
• (Jerry) "Right."
• (George Costanza) "Anything in the lip area is good."
• (Jerry) "Lip area, yeah."
• (George Costanza) "A hug, definitely good."
• (Jerry) "Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart."
• (George Costanza) "Those are brutal."
• (Jerry) "You know how they do that."
• (George Costanza) "Also, you know a shake is bad."
• (Jerry) "Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes."
• (George Costanza) "The hand sandwich."
• (Jerry) "Right."
• (George Costanza) "Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes."
• (George Costanza) "The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket."
• (George Costanza) "How do you know?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died."
• (George Costanza) "51 people? I thought it was more like 1000."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "There were 1,560 survivors."
• (George Costanza) "That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?"

• (George Costanza) "What's a three-letter word for "candy"?"
• (Jerry) "I can't do those things."

• (Jerry) "What's this? You said you were watching a video."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage."

• (Jerry) "And what is his stand on abortion?"
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "What is his stand -- on abortion?"
• (Elaine) "Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice."
• (Jerry) "How do you know?"
• (Elaine) "Because he -- Well -- He's just so good-looking."
• (Jerry) "Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas -- could be trouble."

• (George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

• (Marlene) "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
• (Jerry) "You're a cashier."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened?"
• (Elaine) "Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head; was Mary Hart on TV?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah."
• (Elaine) "That's it. That is it. Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures."

• (Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."

• (Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
• (Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
• (Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."

• (George Costanza) "About your -- metamorphosis. When did it happen?"
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "About right after I broke up with you."

• (Jerry) "1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass."

• (Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
• (George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
• (Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
• (George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
• (Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."

• (George Costanza) "You're really moving to California?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Up here, I'm already gone."

• (Jerry) "Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning."
• (Jerry) "Who?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you."
• (Jerry) "Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Of course it is. I picked it out myself."
• (Jerry) "Well, you picked out a rooster."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I bought a chicken."
• (George Costanza) "Allow me."
• (George Costanza) "Why?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Cage-free farm-fresh eggs."
• (Jerry) "Allow me."
• (Jerry) "What are you, an idiot?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe."
• (George Costanza) "That's unbelievable."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital."
• (George Costanza) "You ran?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy; step on it.""
• (George Costanza) "Holy cow."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy.""
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Knocked him out cold."
• (George Costanza) "How could you do that?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
• (Jerry) "Wow."
• (George Costanza) "You're Batman."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."
• (Jerry) "You kept making all the stops?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, people kept ringing the bell."

• (Jerry) "Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's not illegal."
• (Jerry) "It's against the law."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, yeah --"

• (George Costanza) "The sea was angry that day, my friends; like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella." And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish."
• (Jerry) "Mammal."
• (George Costanza) "Whatever."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, what did you do next?"
• (George Costanza) "Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him; face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is that, a Titleist?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hole in one, huh?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you."
• (Jerry) "Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Not as many as there used to be."

• (Jerry) "So how's the fornicating gourmet?"
• (George Costanza) "Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate."
• (Jerry) "George, we're trying to have a civilization here."

• (Elaine) "Mr. Peterman, you can't leave"
• (J. Peterman) "I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma."
• (Elaine) "Burma?"
• (J. Peterman) "You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me."

• (Jerry) "I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest; something's gotta give."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're becoming one of the glitterati."
• (George Costanza) "What's that?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "People who glitter."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "They're trying to screw with your head."
• (Jerry) "Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know."

• (Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"

• (Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
• (George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."

• (Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
• (Elaine) "Opium?"
• (Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."

• (George Costanza) "Do women know about shrinkage?"
• (Elaine) "What do you mean? Like laundry?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Jerry) "Like when a man goes swimming -- afterwards --"
• (Elaine) "It shrinks?"
• (Jerry) "Like a frigthened turtle."
• (Elaine) "Why does it shrink?"
• (George Costanza) "It just does."
• (Elaine) "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

• (Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
• (Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
• (Elaine) "I don't understand."
• (Jerry) "Exactly."

• (Frank Costanza) "My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this."
• (Elaine) "You got that right."
• (Frank Costanza) "What the hell does that mean?"
• (Elaine) "That means whatever the hell you want it to mean."
• (Frank Costanza) "You saying you want a piece of me?"
• (Elaine) "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
• (Frank Costanza) "You want a piece of me? You got it."

• (George Costanza) "All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance."
• (Jerry) "You've made some fine exits."

• (George Costanza) "I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it -- I feel like Robert Wagner."

• (Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

• (Jerry) "So, did they get tired of Koko yet?"
• (George Costanza) "Oh yeah."
• (Jerry) "Zero zero?"
• (George Costanza) "That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa."

• (Jackie Chiles) "You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove."

• (Jerry) "Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes."
• (Elaine) "Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21."
• (Jerry) "Elaine, booze isn't a religion."
• (Elaine) "Tell that to my father --"

• (Newman) "Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, where's he going?"
• (Newman) "I think he's stealing our rickshaw."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh then he's out."
• (Homeless Man) "I'll take the job."
• (Homeless Man) "Potato salad."

• (Jerry) "This woman's completely ignoring me."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster -- Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer."
• (Jerry) "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."

• (Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."

• (George Costanza) "So, what've you been doing with yourself?"
• (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
• (George Costanza) "Yeah, well -- I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, yeah --"
• (Jerry) "Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal."
• (Jerry) "Is she?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh you better believe it buddy."

• (Jerry) "She has never been with a man in her entire life."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- I'm Kramer."

• (Frank Costanza) "I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona."

• (Blaine) "What was bad about The English Patient?"
• (Elaine) "Only that it sucked."

• (George Costanza) "So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving -- The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window."

• (Jerry) "Yes?"
• (Unnamed) "Jerry Seinfeld?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?"
• (Unnamed) "What cigars?"
• (Jerry) "Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans."
• (Unnamed) "Yes. We are the Cubans."

• (Jerry) "Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well don't look at me."
• (Jerry) "It's your fault."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people."

• (Jerry) "The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted."
• (George Costanza) "Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring."
• (Jerry) "It's not like that at all."

• (Elaine) "Will this hurt?"
• (Doctor) "Yes, very much."

• (Estelle Costanza) "Well, I'm out there, George."
• (George Costanza) "No, you're not out there."
• (Estelle Costanza) "I am, too."
• (George Costanza) "You're not out there. You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence."

• (George Costanza) "I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter -- I was raised to give up."

• (Jerry) "If you feed him, he'll never leave."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "She's dating him again?"
• (Jerry) "She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order."

• (Jerry) "You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved."

• (Riley) "Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp."
• (George Costanza) "Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you."
• (Riley) "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."
• (George Costanza) "Yeah well -- I had sex with your wife."
• (Unnamed) "His wife is in a coma."

• (Unnamed) "Have you been in here before?"
• (George Costanza) "About a year ago. Wedding invitations."
• (Unnamed) "How did that work out?"
• (George Costanza) "No complaints."

• (George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
• (Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
• (George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
• (Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
• (George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
• (Newman) "Hey, thanks."

• (George Costanza) "They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry."
• (Jerry) "Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour."

• (Jerry) "Marla."
• (Marla Penny) "Jerry."
• (Jerry) "George, Marla."
• (George Costanza) "Marla."
• (Marla Penny) "George. Jerry, Stacy."
• (Jerry) "Stacy."
• (Stacy) "Jerry."
• (Jerry) "George, Stacy."
• (George Costanza) "Stacy."
• (Stacy) "George."
• (Jerry) "George."
• (George Costanza) "Jerry, Marla. Stacy."

• (Elaine) "My father thought George was gay."
• (Jerry) "It must have been the singing."
• (Elaine) "No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay."

• (George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
• (George Costanza) "Of course you do."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What do you use for decoration?"
• (Frank Costanza) "An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting."

• (George Costanza) "I gotta call Elaine."
• (Jerry) "She's out."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, yeah. The blind date."
• (Jerry) "They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."

• (Jerry) "Oh right, the new job. How is it?"
• (George Costanza) "I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm."
• (Jerry) "So who's the new you?"
• (George Costanza) "We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hello -- What Delay Industries?"
• (George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment."
• (George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay Industries."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, no problem."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "How did you know who that was?"
• (Jerry) "And you wanna be my latex salesman?"

• (George Costanza) "Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all -- at all -- Do not feel like you have to take it."
• (Jerry) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it -- because, uh, you know -- I-I-I could take it, you know."
• (Jerry) "You could take it? You want it?"
• (George Costanza) "No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it."
• (Jerry) "So you -- do want it?"
• (George Costanza) "No, I want it if you don't want it."
• (Jerry) "You just said you wanted it."
• (George Costanza) "No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it."

• (George Costanza) "So I reached in -- felt around -- and pulled out the obstruction."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Smooth -- Creamy -- Delicate, yet -- Masculine --."

• (Jerry) "Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life."
• (Elaine) "Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?"

• (Jerry) "It's Jerry. Who's this?"
• (Valerie) "It's Valerie."
• (Jerry) "Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?"
• (Valerie) "I'll tell you what's up; my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you."
• (Jerry) "Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?"

• (Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
• (Newman) "I usually do."
• (Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."

• (George Costanza) "Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant."
• (George Costanza) "It's not complicated."
• (Unnamed) "Now, who are you again?"
• (George Costanza) "George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary."
• (Unnamed) "Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?"
• (George Costanza) "Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?"
• (Unnamed) "We won the World Series."
• (George Costanza) "In six games."

• (George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."

• (Unnamed) "You're insane."
• (Jerry) "Oh yes, quite."
• (Jerry) "Of course, it's a sliding scale."

• (Russell Dalrymple) "So, what have you guys come up with?"
• (Jerry) "Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself --"
• (George Costanza) "May I?"
• (Jerry) "Go ahead."
• (George Costanza) "I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing."
• (Russell Dalrymple) "Nothing?"
• (George Costanza) "Nothing."
• (Russell Dalrymple) "What does that mean?"
• (George Costanza) "The show is about nothing."

• (Elaine) "It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?"
• (Jerry) "But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

• (Jerry) "The road less taken is less taken for a reason."

• (Dean Jones) "Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica."
• (Dean Jones) "As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken."
• (Dean Jones) "I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary."
• (Dean Jones) "Your fly's open."

• (Unnamed) "Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor."
• (Jerry) "You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?"
• (Unnamed) "Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
• (Jerry) "All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody."

• (Newman) "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control -- information."

• (George Costanza) "I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."
• (Jerry) "Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise."

• (Rental Car Agent) "Would you like insurance?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car."

• (Jerry) "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there -- you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it -- you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you; 'these are your friends. Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party."

• (Jerry) "Is this a gym or a fitness museum?"

• (Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

• (Elaine) "You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high."
• (Jerry) "I went out with you."
• (Elaine) "That's because my standards are too low."

• (George Costanza) "Someday, before I die, mark my words -- I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do."
• (Jerry) "And if you do?"

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