Seinfeld (season 5) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 5) is a television show that was first aired in 1993 on NBC. Seinfeld ended its run in 1994.

Seinfeld (season 5) aired for 22 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 5) Quotes

(Cosmo Kramer) "They're trying to screw with your head."
(Jerry) "Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
(George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
(Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You got money?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have a woman?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any prospects?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You got anything on the horizon?"
(George Costanza) "Uh, no."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any action at all?"
(George Costanza) "No."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
(George Costanza) "I like to get the Daily News."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You'd better be careful with that coat -- You'll start a war."

(Jerry) "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
(David Puddy) "I don't much care for that term."
(Jerry) "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know --"
(David Puddy) "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
(Jerry) "I saw one once that could do sign language."
(David Puddy) "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh -- Koko."
(Jerry) "Yeah, Koko."
(David Puddy) "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."

(George Costanza) "So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island."
(Jerry) "Maybe."
(George Costanza) "This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island."

(Jerry) "Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well don't look at me."
(Jerry) "It's your fault."
(Cosmo Kramer) "My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people."

(Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
(Jerry) "Line 2?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."

(Mr. Lippman) "It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?"
(George Costanza) "Who said that?"
(Mr. Lippman) "She did."
(George Costanza) "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon -- you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time."
(Mr. Lippman) "You're fired."
(George Costanza) "Well, you didn't have to say it like that."

(George Costanza) "There is no bigger loser than me."

(Cosmo Kramer) "She's dating him again?"
(Jerry) "She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order."

(Cosmo Kramer) "That's a lotta potatoes."

(Jerry) "See -- I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?"

(George Costanza) "I was raised to say 'God bless you.'"
(George Costanza) "Ah, shut up."

(Jerry) "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."

(Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"

(Cosmo Kramer) "I think he's done guys."
(Cosmo Kramer) "No he's not. He's throwing the WOODS."

(Jerry) "You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it."
(Jerry) "This is an idiot."
(George Costanza) "Is that right?"
(George Costanza) "I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
(Roxanne) "You're all winners."
(George Costanza) "But suddenly, a new contender has emerged --"

(Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
(George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
(Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
(George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""

(George Costanza) "And I got a job interview. It's in sports."
(Jerry) "Mets? Rangers?"
(George Costanza) "Playground equipment."
(Jerry) "Welcome back to the show."

(Elaine) "Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls."

(Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

(Rental Car Agent) "Would you like insurance?"
(Jerry) "Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car."

(George Costanza) "I got to go home and take a nap."
(Jerry) "It's 10:30 in the morning."
(George Costanza) "I'll tell you, I am wiped."

(Elaine) "Mr. Peterman, you can't leave"
(J. Peterman) "I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma."
(Elaine) "Burma?"
(J. Peterman) "You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me."

(Jerry) "Why didn't you tell her your code?"
(George Costanza) "I can't give away my code to her."
(Jerry) "George, you're gonna marry this woman -- probably."
(George Costanza) "No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone"."
(Jerry) "So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?"
(George Costanza) "Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?"
(Jerry) "Actually, that's the definition of selfish."

(Newman) "Damn."
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's Newman. Quick open the door."
(Jerry) "I see ya Newman, I see ya."
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taking the Congo as a penalty."

(Jerry) "Oh, this is interesting --"
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "Jane's topless."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yo yo ma."
(Jerry) "Boutros Boutros Ghali --"
(Elaine) "Nice rack."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe."
(George Costanza) "That's unbelievable."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital."
(George Costanza) "You ran?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy; step on it.""
(George Costanza) "Holy cow."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy.""
(Cosmo Kramer) "Knocked him out cold."
(George Costanza) "How could you do that?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
(Jerry) "Wow."
(George Costanza) "You're Batman."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."
(Jerry) "You kept making all the stops?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, people kept ringing the bell."

(George Costanza) "A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
(Jerry) "You walk around with no underwear."
(George Costanza) "Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?"
(Jerry) "I do a wash."

(Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."

(George Costanza) "So, did you get your new plates?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh -- yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates."
(George Costanza) "What do they say?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Assman."
(Jerry) "Assman?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman."
(Jerry) "Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?"
(George Costanza) "Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's."
(Jerry) "It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, or it could be a proctologist."
(Jerry) "Yeah. Proctologist."
(George Costanza) "Come on. No doctor would put that on his car."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.""

(Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
(George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
(Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
(George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
(Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."

(Jerry) "No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute."
(George Costanza) "How much are you paying this maid?"
(Jerry) "$40."
(George Costanza) "$40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing."

(Jerry) "Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal."
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's not illegal."
(Jerry) "It's against the law."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, yeah --"

(Frank Costanza) "Serenity now. Serenity now."
(George Costanza) "What is that?"
(Frank Costanza) "Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW""
(George Costanza) "Are you supposed to yell it?"
(Frank Costanza) "The man on the tape wasn't specific."

(Jerry) "Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?"
(Newman) "As a matter of fact, I did."
(Jerry) "Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio."

(Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
(Newman) "I usually do."
(Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance."
(Pam) "That is so true."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened --"
(Newman) "-- shell."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell."
(Pam) "Kramer, that is so lovely."
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's by an unknown 20th century poet."
(Pam) "Oh? What's his name?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Newman."

(Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"

(Elaine) "It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?"
(Jerry) "But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

(Elaine) "You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high."
(Jerry) "I went out with you."
(Elaine) "That's because my standards are too low."

(Jerry) "What is THAT book doing on the table?"
(Elaine) "What? What is wrong with this book?"
(Jerry) "That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom."
(Elaine) "ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through."

(Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
(Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."

(Jerry) "This woman's completely ignoring me."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster -- Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer."
(Jerry) "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU."

(Jerry) "It's Jerry. Who's this?"
(Valerie) "It's Valerie."
(Jerry) "Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?"
(Valerie) "I'll tell you what's up; my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you."
(Jerry) "Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?"

(George Costanza) "What gives you pleasure?"
(Jerry) "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
(Jerry) "Walk away?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free."
(Jerry) "Isn't there a deductible?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "All right, what is your deductible?"
(Jerry) "I don't know."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yes, because they've already deducted it."
(Jerry) "From what?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car."
(Jerry) "We're not leaving the car."
(Cosmo Kramer) "All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf."

(George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Yo Yo Ma."

(Jerry) "I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest; something's gotta give."

(Jerry) "I prefer to do my own material."
(Cosmo Kramer) "That's as good as anything you do."

(Jerry) "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."

(Jerry) "Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Keith Hernandez."
(Newman) "Keith Hernandez. I despise that man."

(Elaine) "Why does everything have to be so -- jokey with you?"
(Jerry) "I'm a comedian."

(Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
(George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
(Cushman) "Go on."
(George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
(Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
(George Costanza) "Of course."
(Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
(George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."

(George Costanza) "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you."
(Jerry) "Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Not as many as there used to be."

(Noel) "I am breaking up with YOU."
(George Costanza) "You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
(Noel) "And you're going to need it --"

(Elaine) "This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah."

(George Costanza) "You could always move in with my parents."
(Elaine) "Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?"
(George Costanza) "Instinct."
(Elaine) "Stick with the opposite."

(Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."

(Cosmo Kramer) "The cat; mmrrrooowwwrr; is out of the bag."

(Jerry) "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Smooth -- Creamy -- Delicate, yet -- Masculine --."

(George Costanza) "No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
(Jerry) "They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry."
(George Costanza) "Blackberry, boysenberry."
(Jerry) "Boysenberry, huckleberry."
(George Costanza) "Huckleberry, raspberry."
(Jerry) "Raspberry, strawberry."
(George Costanza) "Strawberry, cranberry."
(Jerry) "Peach."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You got room for the pig-man?"
(George Costanza) "The pig-man can take the bus."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
(George Costanza) "How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Be realistic George."

(Jerry) "Why not "G-Bone"?"
(George Costanza) "There's no G-Bone."
(Jerry) "There's a g-spot."
(George Costanza) "HEY. That's a myth."

(Jerry) "It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal."

(Gary Fogel) "Good for you, Jack."

(Jerry) "Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."

(Newman) "Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier."
(Jerry) "I tried my best."
(Newman) "Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform."
(Jerry) "You know, this is your coat."
(Newman) "Damn."

(George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
(George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
(Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."

(Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
(George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

(George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"

(Jerry) "Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Giddyup."
(Jerry) "Now, get out."

(George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
(Jerry) "Bad situation --"

(Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

(George Costanza) "I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex -- fugitive sex. Now, it's like every time"
(Jerry) "George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex -- I've got a cockfight to focus on."

(Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
(Jerry) "You're serious?"
(Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
(Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."

(Elaine) "Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman."
(Jerry) "Boogeyman."
(Elaine) "Boogey?"

(Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

(Jerry) "You know, I never expected that movie --"
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "To end under water."
(Jerry) "To be so long. Usually movies like that --"
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "Are a lot more violent."
(Jerry) "Are a lot shorter."
(Lisi, Elaine's Friend) "I should --"
(Jerry) "Get going."

(Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"

(George Costanza) "Who is this, Blue Arrow?"
(Elaine) "No, the Green Lantern."
(Jerry) "His superpower is lack of money."
(Elaine) "All right."
(Jerry) "He's invulnerable to creditors."
(Elaine) "We get it."
(Jerry) "He's the "Got No Green" Lantern."

(Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
(Elaine) "Opium?"
(Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Poor Lily."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Who is Joseph Cotton. Giddy-up."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What is pie. Oooh. Giddy-up again."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What is the Cha-Cha. Yes, indeed."

(George Costanza) "It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal."
(Jerry) "Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?"

(George Costanza) "You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
(Elaine) "I've yada yada'ed sex."
(George Costanza) "Really?"
(Elaine) "Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
(Jerry) "But you yada yada'd over the best part."
(Elaine) "No, I mentioned the bisque."

(Frank Costanza) "I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman."
(Estelle Costanza) "Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them."

(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books; The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine."
(Elaine) "But, Mr. Peterman, I --"
(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, I have a question for you; is the item still with you?"
(Elaine) "I guess so --"
(Mr. Peterman) "Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed."

(Jerry) "You with these too?"
(George Costanza) "I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method; he jumps."
(Jerry) "Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich."

(George Costanza) "You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes."
(Jerry) "You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him."
(George Costanza) "All right, Superman's the exception."

(George Costanza) "I have to have my tonsils taken out."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, man. No. George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you."
(Jerry) "It's routine surgery."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going"
(Cosmo Kramer) ""My name is Bob.""

(Jerry) "Helllllooooo. La, la, la."

(George Costanza) "Only I could fail at failing."

(Cosmo Kramer) "I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look."
(George Costanza) "Stink eye?"
(Jerry) "Crook eye?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "EVIL eye."

(Unnamed) "Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor."
(Jerry) "You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?"
(Unnamed) "Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
(Jerry) "All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody."

(Russell Dalrymple) "So, what have you guys come up with?"
(Jerry) "Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself --"
(George Costanza) "May I?"
(Jerry) "Go ahead."
(George Costanza) "I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing."
(Russell Dalrymple) "Nothing?"
(George Costanza) "Nothing."
(Russell Dalrymple) "What does that mean?"
(George Costanza) "The show is about nothing."

(Jerry) "Trouble."
(Elaine) "What?"
(Jerry) "George."
(Elaine) "Is it?"
(Jerry) "Yeah."
(Elaine) "Damn."

(Unnamed) "Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist."
(Jerry) "Not Pennypacker."
(Unnamed) "You know him?"
(Jerry) "I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen."

(Elaine) "You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."
(George Costanza) "It doesn't help."

(George Costanza) "Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work."
(Jerry) "I've never had a job."

(George Costanza) "I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting -- I feel like Robert Wagner in there."

(Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
(Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
(Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
(Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"

(George Costanza) "I like DeSoto."
(Jerry) "DeSoto? What did he do?"
(George Costanza) "He discovered Mississippi."
(Jerry) "Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway."

(George Costanza) "I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
(Jerry) "No, no."
(George Costanza) "No. No."
(Jerry) "No steam."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hoochie Mama."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished."

(George Costanza) "You're really moving to California?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Up here, I'm already gone."

(Elaine) "Anna, whose jacket is that?"
(Anna) "It's mine."
(Elaine) "Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear."

(Cosmo Kramer) "What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year."
(Jerry) "It's your third day."
(Cosmo Kramer) "I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later."
(Jerry) "Well, call if you're gonna be late."

(Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
(George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
(Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."

(George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
(Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."

(Jerry) "People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax."

(George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"

(George Costanza) "But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?"
(Jerry) "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?"
(George Costanza) "Flame on."

(Unnamed) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack."
(Jerry) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza."

(Jerry) "Hello, 911? How are ya?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted."
(Jerry) "Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months."
(Cosmo Kramer) "We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his -- other bag of cans."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Here's to feeling good all the time."

(George Costanza) "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
(Jerry) "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side"."

(George Costanza) "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
(Jerry) "You can't over-dry."
(George Costanza) "Why not?"
(Jerry) "Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry."
(George Costanza) "Any questions?"

(Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
(Unnamed) "What for?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"

(Jerry) "Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night."
(Elaine) "I know. I woke up with this."
(Jerry) "Oh. Hello tetanus."

(George Costanza) "Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant."
(George Costanza) "It's not complicated."
(Unnamed) "Now, who are you again?"
(George Costanza) "George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary."
(Unnamed) "Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?"
(George Costanza) "Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?"
(Unnamed) "We won the World Series."
(George Costanza) "In six games."

(George Costanza) "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
(Jerry) "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend --"
(George Costanza) "Yes, yes, yes --"
(Jerry) "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk --"
(George Costanza) "Okay, the point is made."
(Jerry) "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen --"
(Jerry) "The bad tipper."

(George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

(Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
(George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
(Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
(George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
(Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
(Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."

(Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."

(Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

(Jerry) "Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you."
(George Costanza) "But they seemed so disorganized --"

(George Costanza) "You've got to apologize."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(George Costanza) "Because its the mature and adult thing to do."
(Jerry) "How does that affect me?"

(Frank Costanza) "My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this."
(Elaine) "You got that right."
(Frank Costanza) "What the hell does that mean?"
(Elaine) "That means whatever the hell you want it to mean."
(Frank Costanza) "You saying you want a piece of me?"
(Elaine) "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
(Frank Costanza) "You want a piece of me? You got it."

(George Costanza) "I got to get out of this city."
(Jerry) "So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?"

(George Costanza) "When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing."

(Unnamed) "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?"
(Jerry) "Yes."

(Riley) "Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp."
(George Costanza) "Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you."
(Riley) "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."
(George Costanza) "Yeah well -- I had sex with your wife."
(Unnamed) "His wife is in a coma."

(George Costanza) "I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."

(Frank Costanza) "Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way."
(Cosmo Kramer) "What happened to the doll?"
(Frank Costanza) "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US."

(Jerry) "Hola."
(Elaine) "Shove it."
(Jerry) "What's with the get up?"
(Elaine) "I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day."
(Jerry) "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."

(Jerry) "I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it."
(Jenna) "When were you going to tell me this?"
(Jerry) "Obviously never."

(Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
(George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."

(George Costanza) "What's a three-letter word for "candy"?"
(Jerry) "I can't do those things."

(Jerry) "Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons."

(Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

(George Costanza) "Someday, before I die, mark my words -- I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do."
(Jerry) "And if you do?"
(George Costanza) "Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this."

(Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?"
(Elaine) "That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents."
(Jerry) "Still a ripoff."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."

(George Costanza) "This could be my chance to give something back."
(Jerry) "You want to give something back, start with the $20,000."

(Kruger) "The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?"
(George Costanza) "Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane."
(George Costanza) "Alright, that's it for me, you've been great. Good night, everybody."

(Frank Costanza) "George, festivus is your heritage."

(Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
(Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."

(George Costanza) ""Sweet fancy Moses""

(Elaine) "David and I will not get back together."
(Jerry) "Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

(Jerry) "I'm not wearing the fur coat."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building."
(Jerry) "Hmm --"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around."
(Jerry) "Newman too?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Come on."

(Morty Seinfeld) "Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me."
(Jerry) "You know, I bought you a Cadillac -- Twice."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist."
(Jerry) "I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength."

(George Costanza) "She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk.""
(Jerry) "Uh, the four worst words in the English language."
(George Costanza) "That, or "Who's bra is this?""

(Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."

(George Costanza) "I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming."
(Jerry) "I think she saw it coming."

(Unnamed) "Have you been in here before?"
(George Costanza) "About a year ago. Wedding invitations."
(Unnamed) "How did that work out?"
(George Costanza) "No complaints."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time."
(George Costanza) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that coffee table book I wrote?"
(Jerry) "Yeah."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the company sold the movie rights to it."
(George Costanza) "How are they going to make that book into a movie?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day"."
(Jerry) "Oh. So, how much are they paying you?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time."
(Jerry) "That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time."
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm officially retired."
(Jerry) "From what?"

(Jerry) "See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot."
(George Costanza) "Really?"
(Jerry) "Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land."
(George Costanza) "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
(Jerry) "You think?"
(George Costanza) "I think we have."
(Jerry) "Yeah, maybe we have."

(George Costanza) "What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?"
(Jerry) "You do make good comments."
(George Costanza) "So?"
(Jerry) "Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting."
(George Costanza) "Well that's really not fair."
(Jerry) "I know."

(Elaine) "Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's -- a high school graduate."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Equivalency."
(Elaine) "Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh -- I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes -- fruit, and he just got, um -- a haircut."
(Elaine) "Do I hear -- five bucks?"

(George Costanza) "I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
(Jerry) "Really?"
(George Costanza) "That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?"

(Jerry) "And yet, we've discovered another talent; posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."

(Jerry) "I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better."

(Unnamed) "Can I help you?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology."

(Jerry) "Yada, Yada, Yada."

(Jerry) "George Costanza -- Is getting married."
(Elaine) "Get out."

(Jerry) "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there -- you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it -- you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you; 'these are your friends. Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party."

(George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
(George Costanza) "Hmmm."
(Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
(George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
(Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."

(George Costanza) "So I reached in -- felt around -- and pulled out the obstruction."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh."

(Elaine) "Well, I'm going to hell."
(Jerry) "That seems about right."

(George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
(Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
(George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
(Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
(George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
(Newman) "Hey, thanks."

(Jerry) "You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?"
(George Costanza) "Yeah, yeah, I see the irony."

(Jerry) "So, did they get tired of Koko yet?"
(George Costanza) "Oh yeah."
(Jerry) "Zero zero?"
(George Costanza) "That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa."

(Estelle Costanza) "Well, I'm out there, George."
(George Costanza) "No, you're not out there."
(Estelle Costanza) "I am, too."
(George Costanza) "You're not out there. You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence."

(Jerry) "Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good; what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again."

(Jerry) "Why did you have to open your big mouth?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "What?"
(Jerry) "George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this."
(Cosmo Kramer) "You're just mad because you're having a bad day."
(Jerry) "Yes. Because of you."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, in that case I think one of us should leave."

(Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
(Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
(Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."

(Jerry) "Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "They want to know how come they never see you."

(Elaine) "How can you show your face around there?"
(Jerry) "Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You'll be the world's first pirate."
(Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a pirate."

(George Costanza) "I'm speechless. I have no speech."

(Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
(Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
(Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."

(Cosmo Kramer) "No, she was completely topless."
(George Costanza) "How good of a look did you get?"
(Jerry) "What do you mean?"
(George Costanza) "Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police --"
(Jerry) "They'd pick her up in about ten minutes."

(Elaine Benes) "Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
(Jerry) "No, there's less."

(Elaine) "What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?"
(Unnamed) "Hey, sit down, I can't see."
(Unnamed) "Get out of the way."
(Elaine) "I can't find my seat."
(Unnamed) "Just move."
(Elaine) "No, you move."

(Izzy Mandelbaum) "Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian."
(Jerry) "Actually, I am a comedian."
(Izzy Mandelbaum) "That's not funny."

(Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."

(Elaine) "Why don't you park in a garage?"
(George Costanza) "-- Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free."

(Jerry) "You will be stunned."
(Elaine) "Stunned by soup?"
(Jerry) "You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle."

(George Costanza) "I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal -- medium orgasm."
(Jerry) "I never had a really good pickle."

(Elaine) "Do you have a twenty?"
(Jerry) "What for?"
(Elaine) "Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back."
(Jerry) "You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back --"

(George Costanza) "Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all -- at all -- Do not feel like you have to take it."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(George Costanza) "If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it -- because, uh, you know -- I-I-I could take it, you know."
(Jerry) "You could take it? You want it?"
(George Costanza) "No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it."
(Jerry) "So you -- do want it?"
(George Costanza) "No, I want it if you don't want it."
(Jerry) "You just said you wanted it."
(George Costanza) "No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it."

(George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
(Jerry) "Boy, you can really talk some trash."
(Jerry) "I guess that's better than eating it."

(George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Hello -- What Delay Industries?"
(George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay."
(Cosmo Kramer) "No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment."
(George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay Industries."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, no problem."
(Cosmo Kramer) "How did you know who that was?"
(Jerry) "And you wanna be my latex salesman?"

(Jerry) "I thought you weren't coming back till Monday."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
(Jerry) "Why?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "Well, there was an incident."
(Jerry) "What happened?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."

(George Costanza) "My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

(Jerry) "You can't just leave the group."
(Elaine) "Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios."

(Jerry) "The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted."
(George Costanza) "Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring."
(Jerry) "It's not like that at all."

(Jerry) "Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies."

(Frank Costanza) "I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona."

(George Costanza) "I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami."
(Jerry) "Yeah. That's what you did."

(Jerry) "All you did was not die for twelve months."

(Jerry) "I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
(George Costanza) "What is a gander, anyway?"
(Jerry) "It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it."

(Jerry) "Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes."
(Elaine) "Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21."
(Jerry) "Elaine, booze isn't a religion."
(Elaine) "Tell that to my father --"

(Elaine) "I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT."

(George Costanza) "George is gettin' upset."

(Cosmo Kramer) "Is this oak?"
(Mr. Lager) "Think it's pine."
(Cosmo Kramer) "Pine is good."
(Mr. Lager) "Yeah, pine's okay."

(Cosmo Kramer) "You know, they botched my vasectomy?"
(Jerry) "They botched it?"
(Cosmo Kramer) "I'm even more potent now."

(George Costanza) "I want to make a good entrance

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