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Seinfeld (season 3) Quotes

Seinfeld (season 3) is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1991 on NBC. Seinfeld completed its run in 1992.

Seinfeld (season 3) was on for 23 episodes.

Seinfeld (season 3) Quotes

  • (Newman) "Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."
  • (George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"
  • (Jerry) "You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved."
  • (Unnamed) "Can I help you?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology."
  • (George Costanza) "They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour."
  • (George Costanza) "And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine."
  • (Jerry) "That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add --"
  • (Elaine) "We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people."
  • (Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
  • (Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
  • (Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."
  • (George Costanza) "What gives you pleasure?"
  • (Jerry) "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."
  • (George Costanza) "You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting."
  • (Jerry) "To Latvian Orthodox?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah, why not, what do I care --"
  • (Jerry) "Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes."
  • (Elaine) "I think it would be romantic."
  • (George Costanza) "Really?"
  • (Elaine) "Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh."
  • (George Costanza) "King Edward."
  • (George Costanza) "Like King Edward, Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza."
  • (Lloyd Braun) "You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow."
  • (George Costanza) "What do you know? You were in the nut house."
  • (Lloyd Braun) "What do you think put me there?"
  • (George Costanza) "I heard they found a family in your freezer."
  • (Lloyd Braun) "Serenity now. Insanity later."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "She's dating him again?"
  • (Jerry) "She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order."
  • (Cushman) "I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants."
  • (George Steinbrenner) "Nice to meet you."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego."
  • (George Steinbrenner) "Hire this man."
  • (Jerry) "If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?"
  • (Jerry) "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
  • (Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
  • (Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
  • (Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
  • (Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"
  • (Elaine) "Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul."
  • (Elaine) "Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie."
  • (George Costanza) "A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
  • (Jerry) "You walk around with no underwear."
  • (George Costanza) "Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?"
  • (Jerry) "I do a wash."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
  • (Jerry) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
  • (Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
  • (Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."
  • (Frank Costanza) "Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
  • (George Costanza) "Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know."
  • (Jerry) "I prefer to do my own material."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "That's as good as anything you do."
  • (George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."
  • (Jerry) "It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal."
  • (George Costanza) "I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."
  • (Jerry) "Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise."
  • (George Costanza) "Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?"
  • (Jerry) "No, what happened to you?"
  • (George Costanza) "All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries"."
  • (Jerry) "I'm Vandelay Industries?"
  • (George Costanza) "Right."
  • (Jerry) "What is that?"
  • (George Costanza) "You're in latex."
  • (Jerry) "What do I do with latex?"
  • (George Costanza) "I don't know, you manufacture it."
  • (Elaine) "Right here in this little apartment?"
  • (Jerry) "And what do I say about you?"
  • (George Costanza) "You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman."
  • (Jerry) "I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?"
  • (George Costanza) "Because I asked you to."
  • (Jerry) "If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist."
  • (Jerry) "I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength."
  • (George Costanza) ""Sweet fancy Moses""
  • (Jerry) "But are you still master of your domain?"
  • (George Costanza) "I'm king of the county. You?"
  • (Jerry) "I'm lord of the manor."
  • (Jerry) "I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see -- a nipple."
  • (Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
  • (Jerry) "You're serious?"
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
  • (Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."
  • (Jerry) "What is THAT book doing on the table?"
  • (Elaine) "What? What is wrong with this book?"
  • (Jerry) "That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom."
  • (Elaine) "ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through."
  • (Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
  • (Jerry) "Line 2?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
  • (Unnamed) "What for?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"
  • (Elaine) "You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high."
  • (Jerry) "I went out with you."
  • (Elaine) "That's because my standards are too low."
  • (George Costanza) "I think it's time for George's lunch."
  • (George Steinbrenner) "Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me."
  • (Jerry) "Where's Marcy?"
  • (George Costanza) "She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months."
  • (George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
  • (Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted."
  • (Jerry) "Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his -- other bag of cans."
  • (Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"
  • (Unnamed) "Another point for Milosh."
  • (George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"
  • (Unnamed) "So I got home -- and he was vacumming. I mean, he's twelve years old. Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent."
  • (Elaine) "Excuse me -- excuse me."
  • (Unnamed) "What's the problem?"
  • (Elaine) "-- you're talking."
  • (George Costanza) "I got to go home and take a nap."
  • (Jerry) "It's 10:30 in the morning."
  • (George Costanza) "I'll tell you, I am wiped."
  • (Marlene) "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
  • (Jerry) "You're a cashier."
  • (Elaine) "Well, I'm going to hell."
  • (Jerry) "That seems about right."
  • (George Costanza) "I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?"
  • (Jerry) "Elaine danced?"
  • (George Costanza) "More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music."
  • (Jerry) "The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted."
  • (George Costanza) "Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring."
  • (Jerry) "It's not like that at all."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning."
  • (Elaine) "I don't understand; you were wearing the pants you were returning?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I guess I was."
  • (Elaine) "What were you going to wear home?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there."
  • (Elaine) "Will this hurt?"
  • (Doctor) "Yes, very much."
  • (Jerry) "Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings."
  • (George Costanza) "What do you care what she thinks?"
  • (Jerry) "Good body."
  • (Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."
  • (George Costanza) "I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham."
  • (Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
  • (George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
  • (Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
  • (Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face."
  • (Jerry) "Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life."
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?"
  • (Jerry) "Helllllooooo. La, la, la."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "What do you use for decoration?"
  • (Frank Costanza) "An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting."
  • (George Steinbrenner) "So -- it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?"
  • (David Puddy) "I'll be back. We'll make out."
  • (Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
  • (George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
  • (Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."
  • (Jerry) "To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there -- you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it -- you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you; 'these are your friends. Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party."
  • (Elaine) "A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yes, you. You and every woman like you."
  • (Jerry) "Why not "G-Bone"?"
  • (George Costanza) "There's no G-Bone."
  • (Jerry) "There's a g-spot."
  • (George Costanza) "HEY. That's a myth."
  • (George Costanza) "You're really moving to California?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Up here, I'm already gone."
  • (Jerry) "Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you."
  • (George Costanza) "But they seemed so disorganized --"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy -- Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window."
  • (George Costanza) "But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?"
  • (Jerry) "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?"
  • (George Costanza) "Flame on."
  • (Elaine) "What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I?"
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, sit down, I can't see."
  • (Unnamed) "Get out of the way."
  • (Elaine) "I can't find my seat."
  • (Unnamed) "Just move."
  • (Elaine) "No, you move."
  • (Jerry) "Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Giddyup."
  • (Jerry) "Now, get out."
  • (Frank Costanza) "George, festivus is your heritage."
  • (Jerry) "If you feed him, he'll never leave."
  • (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "Wow, restaurant. Flowers --"
  • (Jerry) "Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?"
  • (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "It's fine."
  • (Jerry) "Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man."
  • (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "What is with you?"
  • (Jerry) "You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "May I have one of those, madame?"
  • (George Costanza) "Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as --"
  • (Kruger) "Koko the Monkey."
  • (George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
  • (Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
  • (George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
  • (Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
  • (George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
  • (Newman) "Hey, thanks."
  • (Newman) "Hello, Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "Hello, Newman."
  • (George Costanza) "I gotta call Elaine."
  • (Jerry) "She's out."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, yeah. The blind date."
  • (Jerry) "They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."
  • (Jerry) "And yet, we've discovered another talent; posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
  • (Unnamed) "Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?"
  • (Jerry) "Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?"
  • (Unnamed) "Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
  • (Unnamed) "No."
  • (Jerry) "Well, now you know how I feel."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You got room for the pig-man?"
  • (George Costanza) "The pig-man can take the bus."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
  • (George Costanza) "How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Be realistic George."
  • (Newman) "Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, where's he going?"
  • (Newman) "I think he's stealing our rickshaw."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh then he's out."
  • (Homeless Man) "I'll take the job."
  • (Homeless Man) "Potato salad."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I've got gonorrhea."
  • (Elaine) "That seems about right."
  • (Ronnie) "I've been living a lie."
  • (George Costanza) "You've been living a lie? I've been living -- like twenty."
  • (Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
  • (Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."
  • (Jerry) "That's a shame."
  • (Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
  • (George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
  • (Cushman) "Go on."
  • (George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
  • (Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
  • (George Costanza) "Of course."
  • (Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
  • (George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."
  • (Jerry) "Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes."
  • (Elaine) "Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21."
  • (Jerry) "Elaine, booze isn't a religion."
  • (Elaine) "Tell that to my father --"
  • (Jerry) "I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, this is interesting --"
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "Jane's topless."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yo yo ma."
  • (Jerry) "Boutros Boutros Ghali --"
  • (Elaine) "Nice rack."
  • (Jerry) "What are you saying?"
  • (Elaine) "I'm not saying anything."
  • (Jerry) "You're saying something."
  • (Elaine) "What could I be saying?"
  • (Jerry) "Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something."
  • (Elaine) "If I were saying something, I would have said it."
  • (Jerry) "So why don't you say it?"
  • (Elaine) "I said it."
  • (Jerry) "What did you say?"
  • (Elaine) "Nothing."
  • (George Costanza) "There is no bigger loser than me."
  • (Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."
  • (Kruger) "The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?"
  • (George Costanza) "Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane."
  • (George Costanza) "Alright, that's it for me, you've been great. Good night, everybody."
  • (George Costanza) "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
  • (Jerry) "Cheapness is not a sense."
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
  • (George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
  • (George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""
  • (George Costanza) "What kind of a person are you?"
  • (Jerry) "I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful."
  • (Elaine) "It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?"
  • (Jerry) "But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio."
  • (Jerry) "Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good; what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You're wasting your life."
  • (George Costanza) "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You got money?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have a woman?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any prospects?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You got anything on the horizon?"
  • (George Costanza) "Uh, no."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any action at all?"
  • (George Costanza) "No."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
  • (George Costanza) "I like to get the Daily News."
  • (George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
  • (George Costanza) "Of course you do."
  • (Jerry) "People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax."
  • (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid."
  • (Elaine) "Married women don't "get together". They have affairs."
  • (George Costanza) "Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money."
  • (Corinne) "George maybe we should move away."
  • (George Costanza) "That won't be necessary."
  • (George Costanza) "Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats. We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you -- and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT."
  • (George Costanza) "Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?"
  • (Elaine) "Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy"
  • (Jerry) "Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?"
  • (Elaine) "Listen to me you, little shi --"
  • (George Costanza) "Smile."
  • (Jerry) "That -- is one magic loogie."
  • (Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
  • (Jerry) "I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?"
  • (Newman) "Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier."
  • (Jerry) "I tried my best."
  • (Newman) "Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform."
  • (Jerry) "You know, this is your coat."
  • (Newman) "Damn."
  • (Jerry) "Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well don't look at me."
  • (Jerry) "It's your fault."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people."
  • (George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
  • (Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
  • (George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
  • (Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
  • (George Costanza) "You think so?"
  • (Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
  • (Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."
  • (Elaine) "Anna, whose jacket is that?"
  • (Anna) "It's mine."
  • (Elaine) "Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear."
  • (Frank Costanza) "Serenity now. Serenity now."
  • (George Costanza) "What is that?"
  • (Frank Costanza) "Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW""
  • (George Costanza) "Are you supposed to yell it?"
  • (Frank Costanza) "The man on the tape wasn't specific."
  • (Jerry) "Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."
  • (Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
  • (George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."
  • (Elaine) "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
  • (Jerry) "Anything's possible."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance."
  • (Pam) "That is so true."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Her bouquet cleaved his hardened --"
  • (Newman) "-- shell."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell."
  • (Pam) "Kramer, that is so lovely."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "It's by an unknown 20th century poet."
  • (Pam) "Oh? What's his name?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Newman."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I'm fried."
  • (Jerry) "Technically, you're sautéed."
  • (Elaine) "Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls."
  • (Jerry) "So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you."
  • (George Costanza) "They could've at least tried --"
  • (George Costanza) "I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming."
  • (Jerry) "I think she saw it coming."
  • (Jerry) "But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye."
  • (Jerry) "You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle."
  • (Gary Fogel) "Good for you, Jack."
  • (Jerry) "I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp."
  • (George Costanza) "I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex -- fugitive sex. Now, it's like every time"
  • (Jerry) "George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex -- I've got a cockfight to focus on."
  • (Jerry) "I'm not wearing the fur coat."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building."
  • (Jerry) "Hmm --"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around."
  • (Jerry) "Newman too?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Come on."
  • (Jerry) "You will be stunned."
  • (Elaine) "Stunned by soup?"
  • (Jerry) "You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm out."
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest."
  • (Elaine) "Well, you know, I -- I have watched Peterman run the company."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Sure you have."
  • (Elaine) "I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that."
  • (George Costanza) "Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane."
  • (Jerry) "Really, how?"
  • (George Costanza) "Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign."
  • (Jerry) "Right."
  • (George Costanza) "Anything in the lip area is good."
  • (Jerry) "Lip area, yeah."
  • (George Costanza) "A hug, definitely good."
  • (Jerry) "Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart."
  • (George Costanza) "Those are brutal."
  • (Jerry) "You know how they do that."
  • (George Costanza) "Also, you know a shake is bad."
  • (Jerry) "Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes."
  • (George Costanza) "The hand sandwich."
  • (Jerry) "Right."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes."
  • (George Costanza) "The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual."
  • (Jerry) "And what is his stand on abortion?"
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "What is his stand -- on abortion?"
  • (Elaine) "Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice."
  • (Jerry) "How do you know?"
  • (Elaine) "Because he -- Well -- He's just so good-looking."
  • (Jerry) "Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas -- could be trouble."
  • (Jerry) "Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies."
  • (Jerry) "Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Sure."
  • (Jerry) "Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?"
  • (Jerry) "The road less taken is less taken for a reason."
  • (Elaine Benes) "Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
  • (Jerry) "No, there's less."
  • (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
  • (George Costanza) "Hmmm."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
  • (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
  • (Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."
  • (Uncle Leo) "Jerry -- H E L L O"
  • (George Costanza) "I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah. That's what you did."
  • (George Costanza) "The sea was angry that day, my friends; like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella." And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish."
  • (Jerry) "Mammal."
  • (George Costanza) "Whatever."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, what did you do next?"
  • (George Costanza) "Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him; face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "What is that, a Titleist?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hole in one, huh?"
  • (Riley) "Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp."
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you."
  • (Riley) "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah well -- I had sex with your wife."
  • (Unnamed) "His wife is in a coma."
  • (George Costanza) "Well, I heard a noise."
  • (Jerry) "What noise?"
  • (George Costanza) "You know, blah --"
  • (Jerry) "What blah?"
  • (George Costanza) "From the bathroom."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
  • (George Costanza) "Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom."
  • (Elaine) "So you're concerned?"
  • (George Costanza) "Elaine, of course I'm concerned -- I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."
  • (George Costanza) "About your -- metamorphosis. When did it happen?"
  • (Susan Biddle Ross) "About right after I broke up with you."
  • (George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
  • (Jerry) "Bad situation --"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
  • (David Puddy) "Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?"
  • (Elaine) "We have to break up."
  • (David Puddy) "What?"
  • (Elaine) "Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,"
  • (Elaine) "YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG."
  • (George Costanza) "For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow."
  • (Jerry) "I thought you weren't coming back till Monday."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
  • (Jerry) "Why?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, there was an incident."
  • (Jerry) "What happened?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."
  • (Jerry) "What is this salty discharge?"
  • (George Costanza) "I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man."
  • (Elaine) "Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place?"
  • (Jerry) "I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You'll be the world's first pirate."
  • (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a pirate."
  • (Elaine) "What are you doing?"
  • (Unnamed) "Vincent stopped making picks."
  • (Elaine) "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?"
  • (Unnamed) "We have a wide variety of Gene Picks."
  • (Elaine) "Gene's trash."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm Gene."
  • (Elaine) "Hi."
  • (Frank Costanza) "I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona."
  • (George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"
  • (Jerry) "She has never been with a man in her entire life."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "-- I'm Kramer."
  • (Jerry) "It's Jerry. Who's this?"
  • (Valerie) "It's Valerie."
  • (Jerry) "Oh hi, Valerie. What's up?"
  • (Valerie) "I'll tell you what's up; my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you."
  • (Jerry) "Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?"
  • (Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
  • (Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
  • (Elaine) "I don't understand."
  • (Jerry) "Exactly."
  • (Kruger) "Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go."
  • (George Costanza) "Thank you, sir. Here's your gift."
  • (Kruger) ""A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"? -- Whatever."
  • (George Costanza) "Exactly."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Poor Lily."
  • (Jerry) "Well, what does this mean?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "Marla."
  • (Marla Penny) "Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "George, Marla."
  • (George Costanza) "Marla."
  • (Marla Penny) "George. Jerry, Stacy."
  • (Jerry) "Stacy."
  • (Stacy) "Jerry."
  • (Jerry) "George, Stacy."
  • (George Costanza) "Stacy."
  • (Stacy) "George."
  • (Jerry) "George."
  • (George Costanza) "Jerry, Marla. Stacy."
  • (George Costanza) "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood."
  • (Jerry) "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "God -- it's like a sauna in here."
  • (George Costanza) "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
  • (Jerry) "You can't over-dry."
  • (George Costanza) "Why not?"
  • (Jerry) "Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry."
  • (George Costanza) "Any questions?"
  • (George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."
  • (Jerry) "All you did was not die for twelve months."
  • (Jerry) "Trouble."
  • (Elaine) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "George."
  • (Elaine) "Is it?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah."
  • (Elaine) "Damn."
  • (Jerry) "Who knows where she gets any of those losers --"
  • (George Costanza) "You're on that list."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?"
  • (Newman) "As a matter of fact, I did."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame."
  • (George Costanza) "It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal."
  • (Jerry) "Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?"
  • (George Costanza) "You're killing independent George."
  • (George Costanza) "I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
  • (Jerry) "Really?"
  • (George Costanza) "That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?"
  • (Priest) "Tell me your sins, my son."
  • (Jerry) "Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish."
  • (Priest) "That's no sin."
  • (Jerry) "Oh, good."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look."
  • (George Costanza) "Stink eye?"
  • (Jerry) "Crook eye?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "EVIL eye."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
  • (Jerry) "I could ballpark --"
  • (Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."
  • (George Costanza) "You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes."
  • (Jerry) "You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him."
  • (George Costanza) "All right, Superman's the exception."
  • (Jerry) "Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning."
  • (Jerry) "Who?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you."
  • (Jerry) "Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Of course it is. I picked it out myself."
  • (Jerry) "Well, you picked out a rooster."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production."
  • (Elaine) "Who are they running against?"
  • (Jerry) "Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair."
  • (George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."
  • (George Costanza) "You've got to apologize."
  • (Jerry) "Why?"
  • (George Costanza) "Because its the mature and adult thing to do."
  • (Jerry) "How does that affect me?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
  • (Jerry) "Walk away?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free."
  • (Jerry) "Isn't there a deductible?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "All right, what is your deductible?"
  • (Jerry) "I don't know."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yes, because they've already deducted it."
  • (Jerry) "From what?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car."
  • (Jerry) "We're not leaving the car."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf."
  • (George Costanza) "In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker"."
  • (Jerry) "See -- I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?"
  • (Jerry) "1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass."
  • (George Costanza) "All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance."
  • (Jerry) "You've made some fine exits."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made."
  • (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."
  • (Jerry) "I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it."
  • (Jenna) "When were you going to tell me this?"
  • (Jerry) "Obviously never."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "I think he's done guys."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "No he's not. He's throwing the WOODS."
  • (Jerry) "You're giving up that easily?"
  • (Newman) "I usually do."
  • (Jerry) "Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too."
  • (Noel) "I am breaking up with YOU."
  • (George Costanza) "You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
  • (Noel) "And you're going to need it --"
  • (Unnamed) "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?"
  • (Jerry) "Yes."
  • (Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"
  • (Jerry) "This woman's completely ignoring me."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster -- Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer."
  • (Jerry) "Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."
  • (Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
  • (Elaine) "Opium?"
  • (Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine."
  • (George Costanza) "Celia is up for parole."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Who?"
  • (George Costanza) "What?"
  • (Jerry) "I'm too tired."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
  • (Jerry) "No, no."
  • (George Costanza) "No. No."
  • (Jerry) "No steam."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."
  • (Jerry) "Hello?"
  • (Elaine) "So how's it going with my friend?"
  • (Jerry) "She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs."
  • (George Costanza) "So you slept with her?"
  • (Jerry) "She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over."
  • (George Costanza) "And you automatically sleep with her?"
  • (Jerry) "I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of --"
  • (George Costanza) "Finished your thought."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah."
  • (George Costanza) "I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today."
  • (Jerry) "Didn't you call in sick yesterday?"
  • (George Costanza) "Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care -- and it shows."
  • (Unnamed) "You're insane."
  • (Jerry) "Oh yes, quite."
  • (Jerry) "Of course, it's a sliding scale."
  • (Jerry) "You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?"
  • (George Costanza) "Yeah, yeah, I see the irony."
  • (Jerry) "I think the candy comes out over there."
  • (George Costanza) "People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up."
  • (Jerry) "Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth."
  • (Frank Costanza) "My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this."
  • (Elaine) "You got that right."
  • (Frank Costanza) "What the hell does that mean?"
  • (Elaine) "That means whatever the hell you want it to mean."
  • (Frank Costanza) "You saying you want a piece of me?"
  • (Elaine) "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
  • (Frank Costanza) "You want a piece of me? You got it."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, go around, you buncha crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed."
  • (George Costanza) "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
  • (Jerry) "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."
  • (George Costanza) "Did you get the video camera?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box."
  • (Jerry) "That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora.""
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well, she had one too."
  • (Elaine) "Jerry, it's B.O."
  • (Jerry) "But the whole car smells."
  • (Elaine) "So?"
  • (Jerry) "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."
  • (George Costanza) "I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker."
  • (Jerry) "The Daily Worker has personals?"
  • (George Costanza) "And; get this; they said that appearance wasn't important."
  • (Jerry) "Yours or hers?"
  • (George Costanza) "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
  • (Jerry) "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend --"
  • (George Costanza) "Yes, yes, yes --"
  • (Jerry) "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk --"
  • (George Costanza) "Okay, the point is made."
  • (Jerry) "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen --"
  • (Jerry) "The bad tipper."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Is this oak?"
  • (Mr. Lager) "Think it's pine."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Pine is good."
  • (Mr. Lager) "Yeah, pine's okay."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "They're trying to screw with your head."
  • (Jerry) "Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?"
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing."
  • (Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
  • (George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
  • (Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
  • (George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
  • (Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
  • (Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."
  • (Jerry) "Hola."
  • (Elaine) "Shove it."
  • (Jerry) "What's with the get up?"
  • (Elaine) "I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day."
  • (Jerry) "No wonder we've been getting so much rain."
  • (George Costanza) "I'm speechless. I have no speech."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side."
  • (Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."
  • (George Costanza) "I love you, Jer."
  • (Jerry) "Right back at you, slick."
  • (Elaine) "Ugh, I hate people."
  • (Jerry) "Yeah, they're the worst."
  • (Jerry) "Elaine, you don't understand. This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."
  • (Jerry) "Why didn't you tell her your code?"
  • (George Costanza) "I can't give away my code to her."
  • (Jerry) "George, you're gonna marry this woman -- probably."
  • (George Costanza) "No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone"."
  • (Jerry) "So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?"
  • (George Costanza) "Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?"
  • (Jerry) "Actually, that's the definition of selfish."
  • (George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
  • (George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
  • (Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
  • (Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."
  • (George Costanza) "Someday, before I die, mark my words -- I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do."
  • (Jerry) "And if you do?"
  • (George Costanza) "Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't b

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