Seinfeld (season 1) Quotes

Seinfeld is a television program that first aired in 1989 on NBC. Seinfeld ended its run in 1990.

Seinfeld was on for 5 episodes.

Seinfeld Quotes

• (George Costanza) "Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin' -- Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car --"

• (Ronnie) "I've been living a lie."
• (George Costanza) "You've been living a lie? I've been living -- like twenty."

• (Elaine) "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?"
• (Jerry) "Anything's possible."

• (Elaine) "How can you show your face around there?"
• (Jerry) "Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there."

• (Kruger) "Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go."
• (George Costanza) "Thank you, sir. Here's your gift."
• (Kruger) ""A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"? -- Whatever."
• (George Costanza) "Exactly."

• (George Costanza) "You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes."
• (Jerry) "You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him."
• (George Costanza) "All right, Superman's the exception."

• (David Puddy) "I'll be back. We'll make out."

• (George Costanza) "Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner."
• (Newman) "Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain."
• (George Costanza) "But -- you're a mailman. 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow -- ' It's the first one."
• (Newman) "I've never been much for credos."
• (George Costanza) "But I'm paying you."
• (Newman) "Hey, thanks."

• (George Costanza) "There is no bigger loser than me."

• (Elaine) "A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?"
• (George Costanza) "Yes, you. You and every woman like you."

• (Jerry) "Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning."
• (Jerry) "Who?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you."
• (Jerry) "Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Of course it is. I picked it out myself."
• (Jerry) "Well, you picked out a rooster."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Smooth -- Creamy -- Delicate, yet -- Masculine --."

• (Jerry) "George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
• (George Costanza) "A man carries a wallet."
• (Jerry) "You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something."

• (Jerry) "Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings."
• (George Costanza) "What do you care what she thinks?"
• (Jerry) "Good body."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yo Yo Ma."

• (Elaine) "What are you doing?"
• (Unnamed) "Vincent stopped making picks."
• (Elaine) "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?"
• (Unnamed) "We have a wide variety of Gene Picks."
• (Elaine) "Gene's trash."
• (Unnamed) "I'm Gene."
• (Elaine) "Hi."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna take a steam."
• (Jerry) "No, no."
• (George Costanza) "No. No."
• (Jerry) "No steam."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself."

• (Elaine) "Married women don't "get together". They have affairs."
• (George Costanza) "Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money."

• (Jerry) "I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest; something's gotta give."

• (George Costanza) "And I got a job interview. It's in sports."
• (Jerry) "Mets? Rangers?"
• (George Costanza) "Playground equipment."
• (Jerry) "Welcome back to the show."

• (Jerry) "I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better."

• (Unnamed) "Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor."
• (Jerry) "You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?"
• (Unnamed) "Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
• (Jerry) "All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody."

• (George Costanza) "I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami."
• (Jerry) "Yeah. That's what you did."

• (George Costanza) "I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter -- I was raised to give up."

• (George Costanza) "I don't even like Drake."
• (Jerry) "You don't like The Drake?"
• (George Costanza) "I hate The Drake."
• (Elaine) "I loooooove The Drake."
• (Jerry) "How could you not like The Drake?"
• (George Costanza) "Who's The Drake?"
• (Elaine) "Who's The Drake."
• (Jerry) "The Drake is good."

• (Katya) "In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian."

• (George Costanza) "I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all."

• (George Costanza) "I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex -- fugitive sex. Now, it's like every time"
• (Jerry) "George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex -- I've got a cockfight to focus on."

• (Jerry) "I'm not wearing the fur coat."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building."
• (Jerry) "Hmm --"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around."
• (Jerry) "Newman too?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Come on."

• (Jerry) "Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night."
• (Elaine) "I know. I woke up with this."
• (Jerry) "Oh. Hello tetanus."

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Newman on line 2 --"
• (Jerry) "Line 2?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, your phone is line 1."

• (Jerry) "Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?"

• (Jerry) "But are you still master of your domain?"
• (George Costanza) "I'm king of the county. You?"
• (Jerry) "I'm lord of the manor."

• (Jerry) "The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted."
• (George Costanza) "Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring."
• (Jerry) "It's not like that at all."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made."

• (Elaine) "It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for?"
• (Jerry) "But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

• (George Costanza) "Do women know about shrinkage?"
• (Elaine) "What do you mean? Like laundry?"
• (George Costanza) "No."
• (Jerry) "Like when a man goes swimming -- afterwards --"
• (Elaine) "It shrinks?"
• (Jerry) "Like a frigthened turtle."
• (Elaine) "Why does it shrink?"
• (George Costanza) "It just does."
• (Elaine) "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

• (Elaine) "We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people."

• (George Costanza) "This could be my chance to give something back."
• (Jerry) "You want to give something back, start with the $20,000."

• (George Costanza) "Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all -- at all -- Do not feel like you have to take it."
• (Jerry) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it -- because, uh, you know -- I-I-I could take it, you know."
• (Jerry) "You could take it? You want it?"
• (George Costanza) "No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it."
• (Jerry) "So you -- do want it?"
• (George Costanza) "No, I want it if you don't want it."
• (Jerry) "You just said you wanted it."
• (George Costanza) "No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "-- that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then -- glugh."

• (Mr. Ross) "I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children."
• (George Costanza) "Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret."

• (Jerry) "Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Sure."
• (Jerry) "Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?"

• (George Costanza) "Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home."

• (Jerry) "All you did was not die for twelve months."

• (Elaine) "Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman."
• (Jerry) "Boogeyman."
• (Elaine) "Boogey?"

• (Jerry) "If you feed him, he'll never leave."

• (George Costanza) "What gives you pleasure?"
• (Jerry) "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Mmm -- boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch"

• (George Costanza) "Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?"

• (George Costanza) "She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk.""
• (Jerry) "Uh, the four worst words in the English language."
• (George Costanza) "That, or "Who's bra is this?""

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished."

• (George Costanza) "Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year."
• (Jerry) "It's your third day."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later."
• (Jerry) "Well, call if you're gonna be late."

• (George Costanza) "I have to have my tonsils taken out."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, man. No. George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you."
• (Jerry) "It's routine surgery."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going"
• (Cosmo Kramer) ""My name is Bob.""

• (Frank Costanza) "My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this."
• (Elaine) "You got that right."
• (Frank Costanza) "What the hell does that mean?"
• (Elaine) "That means whatever the hell you want it to mean."
• (Frank Costanza) "You saying you want a piece of me?"
• (Elaine) "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
• (Frank Costanza) "You want a piece of me? You got it."

• (Unnamed) "Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist."
• (Jerry) "Not Pennypacker."
• (Unnamed) "You know him?"
• (Jerry) "I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen."

• (George Costanza) "I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up"."
• (Elaine) "Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?"
• (George Costanza) "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?"

• (Jerry) "We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

• (Jerry) "1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass."

• (George Costanza) "The sea was angry that day, my friends; like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella." And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish."
• (Jerry) "Mammal."
• (George Costanza) "Whatever."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, what did you do next?"
• (George Costanza) "Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him; face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What is that, a Titleist?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hole in one, huh?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen."
• (Jerry) "No your not."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office."
• (Jerry) "No he doesn't."
• (Newman) "He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss."
• (Jerry) "Yes it can."

• (Elaine) "Why does everything have to be so -- jokey with you?"
• (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."

• (Elaine) "Why don't you park in a garage?"
• (George Costanza) "-- Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free."

• (George Costanza) "My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

• (Jerry) "Why did you have to open your big mouth?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What?"
• (Jerry) "George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're just mad because you're having a bad day."
• (Jerry) "Yes. Because of you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, in that case I think one of us should leave."

• (George Costanza) "So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?"
• (Elaine) "I did."
• (Jerry) "And the Christian rock?"
• (Elaine) "Resurrected."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You got room for the pig-man?"
• (George Costanza) "The pig-man can take the bus."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
• (George Costanza) "How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Be realistic George."

• (Elaine) "Ugh, I hate people."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, they're the worst."

• (George Costanza) "I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal -- medium orgasm."
• (Jerry) "I never had a really good pickle."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy -- Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window."

• (Jerry) "I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it."
• (Jenna) "When were you going to tell me this?"
• (Jerry) "Obviously never."

• (Jerry) "No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute."
• (George Costanza) "How much are you paying this maid?"
• (Jerry) "$40."
• (George Costanza) "$40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing."

• (Morty Seinfeld) "We just came for the funeral."
• (Helen Seinfeld) "Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early."
• (Jerry) "He was 96 years old."
• (Morty Seinfeld) "And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape."

• (Elaine) "Oh, Stuart's a lot better. "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.""

• (Jerry) "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo."

• (Jerry) "I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier."
• (Jerry) "And a deadbolt."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, you got insurance, right?"
• (Jerry) "No."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why not?"
• (Jerry) "Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door --"
• (Jerry) "MUST BE CLOSED."

• (Jerry) "What is THAT book doing on the table?"
• (Elaine) "What? What is wrong with this book?"
• (Jerry) "That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom."
• (Elaine) "ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through."

• (Jerry) "The answering machine is like a relationship barometer."
• (George Costanza) "What IS a barometer?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's pronounced thermometer."

• (George Costanza) "And to think I'd fail at failing --"
• (Jerry) "Aw, come on, now."
• (George Costanza) "I feel like I cant do anything wrong."
• (Jerry) "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
• (George Costanza) "You think so?"
• (Jerry) "Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."
• (George Costanza) "Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
• (Jerry) "That's the spirit. You suck."

• (George Costanza) "We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure."

• (Jerry) "What the hell are you doing?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?"

• (Elaine) "What's this? What happened to your fur?"
• (David Puddy) "I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball."
• (Elaine) "So you're going to wear this all the time?"
• (David Puddy) "All signs point to yes."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "She's dating him again?"
• (Jerry) "She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order."

• (George Costanza) "I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today."
• (Jerry) "Didn't you call in sick yesterday?"
• (George Costanza) "Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care -- and it shows."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look."
• (George Costanza) "Stink eye?"
• (Jerry) "Crook eye?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "EVIL eye."

• (George Costanza) "I got to get out of this city."
• (Jerry) "So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?"

• (Jerry) "Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?"
• (George Costanza) "I am not giving you my code."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'll bet I can guess it."
• (George Costanza) "Pssh. Yeah. Right."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?"
• (George Costanza) "Huh?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth."
• (George Costanza) "Get out of here."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean."
• (George Costanza) "I'm leaving."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you."
• (George Costanza) "I gotta go."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon. Ovaltine. Hershey's."
• (George Costanza) "Shut up."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Nestlé's Quik."
• (George Costanza) "Shut up."

• (Jerry) "Why don't you watch it at your place?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN."

• (Jerry) "Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good; what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Congradulations."
• (Unnamed) "What for?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You're pregnant -- You're not pregnant?"

• (Elaine) "Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul."

• (Unnamed) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack."
• (Jerry) "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hello -- What Delay Industries?"
• (George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment."
• (George Costanza) "Vandelay. Say Vandelay Industries."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, no problem."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "How did you know who that was?"
• (Jerry) "And you wanna be my latex salesman?"

• (Newman) "Damn."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's Newman. Quick open the door."
• (Jerry) "I see ya Newman, I see ya."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm taking the Congo as a penalty."

• (Mr. Peterman) "I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium."
• (Elaine) "Opium?"
• (Mr. Peterman) "That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally."

• (Frank Costanza) "Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "What happened to the doll?"
• (Frank Costanza) "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US."

• (George Costanza) "I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
• (Jerry) "Really?"
• (George Costanza) "That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?"

• (George Costanza) "I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker."
• (Jerry) "The Daily Worker has personals?"
• (George Costanza) "And; get this; they said that appearance wasn't important."
• (Jerry) "Yours or hers?"

• (George Costanza) "Did you get the video camera?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box."
• (Jerry) "That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora.""
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, well, she had one too."

• (Jerry) "What are you saying?"
• (Elaine) "I'm not saying anything."
• (Jerry) "You're saying something."
• (Elaine) "What could I be saying?"
• (Jerry) "Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something."
• (Elaine) "If I were saying something, I would have said it."
• (Jerry) "So why don't you say it?"
• (Elaine) "I said it."
• (Jerry) "What did you say?"
• (Elaine) "Nothing."

• (George Costanza) "No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
• (Jerry) "They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry."
• (George Costanza) "Blackberry, boysenberry."
• (Jerry) "Boysenberry, huckleberry."
• (George Costanza) "Huckleberry, raspberry."
• (Jerry) "Raspberry, strawberry."
• (George Costanza) "Strawberry, cranberry."
• (Jerry) "Peach."

• (George Costanza) "What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?"
• (Jerry) "You do make good comments."
• (George Costanza) "So?"
• (Jerry) "Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting."
• (George Costanza) "Well that's really not fair."
• (Jerry) "I know."

• (Jerry) "Why are you buttering your face?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm shaving with it."
• (Jerry) "Oh Moses, smell the roses."

• (George Costanza) "Here's the outlet."
• (Slippery Pete) "The what?"
• (George Costanza) "The outlet. Where the electricity comes from."
• (Slippery Pete) "Oh, you mean the holes."

• (George Costanza) "For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow."

• (Jerry) "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
• (Priest) "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
• (Jerry) "No, it offends me as a comedian."

• (George Costanza) "He fires people like it's a bodily function."

• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I don't see why you can't just use a condom."
• (George Costanza) "Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock.""

• (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a _."

• (Jerry) "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
• (David Puddy) "I don't much care for that term."
• (Jerry) "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know --"
• (David Puddy) "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
• (Jerry) "I saw one once that could do sign language."
• (David Puddy) "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh -- Koko."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, Koko."
• (David Puddy) "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."

• (George Costanza) "Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face."

• (Jerry) "I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."

• (Elaine) "Will this hurt?"
• (Doctor) "Yes, very much."

• (Jerry) "I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, go around, you buncha crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You'd better be careful with that coat -- You'll start a war."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
• (Jerry) "I could ballpark --"

• (Elaine) "All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour."
• (Jerry) "You're serious?"
• (Elaine) "Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."
• (Jerry) "Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You'll be the world's first pirate."
• (Jerry) "But I don't wanna be a pirate."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?"
• (Jerry) "Because you're not a dermatologist."

• (George Costanza) "It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you."
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman."
• (George Costanza) "Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation; I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?"
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "I know who I'm talking to."
• (George Costanza) "Of course you do."

• (George Costanza) "Well, I heard a noise."
• (Jerry) "What noise?"
• (George Costanza) "You know, blah --"
• (Jerry) "What blah?"
• (George Costanza) "From the bathroom."
• (Jerry) "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
• (George Costanza) "Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom."
• (Elaine) "So you're concerned?"
• (George Costanza) "Elaine, of course I'm concerned -- I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."

• (George Costanza) "But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?"
• (Jerry) "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?"
• (George Costanza) "Flame on."

• (Babu Bhatt) "You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "That's a lotta potatoes."

• (Jerry) "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."

• (Jerry) "I hear that all the time."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "That I'm gay. People think I'm gay."
• (Elaine) "People ask me that about you all the time."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat."
• (George Costanza) "Guess that leaves me in the clear --"

• (George Costanza) "About your -- metamorphosis. When did it happen?"
• (Susan Biddle Ross) "About right after I broke up with you."

• (George Costanza) "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is this oak?"
• (Mr. Lager) "Think it's pine."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Pine is good."
• (Mr. Lager) "Yeah, pine's okay."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I thought you said she stinks."
• (Jerry) "She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry."

• (Jerry) "Hey, Jughead."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hi, Archie."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Veronica."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Mr. Weatherbee."

• (Jerry) "Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Giddyup."
• (Jerry) "Now, get out."

• (Jerry) "You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum."

• (George Costanza) "When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure."

• (Jerry) "But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye."

• (Jerry) "Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you."
• (George Costanza) "But they seemed so disorganized --"

• (Jerry) "You know, it's so nice when it happens good."

• (Rental Car Agent) "Would you like insurance?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car."

• (George Costanza) "It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat; it's all been wrong."

• (Jerry) "Trouble."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "George."
• (Elaine) "Is it?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah."
• (Elaine) "Damn."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a Festivus miracle."

• (Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.) "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum"

• (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
• (George Costanza) "Hmmm."
• (Jerry) "Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms."
• (George Costanza) "Are you going to eat that?"
• (Jerry) "No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it."

• (George Costanza) "So, what've you been doing with yourself?"
• (Jerry) "I'm a comedian."
• (George Costanza) "Yeah, well -- I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, yeah --"
• (Jerry) "Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?"

• (Elaine) "I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT."

• (George Costanza) "Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?"
• (Elaine) "Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy"
• (Jerry) "Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?"
• (Elaine) "Listen to me you, little shi --"
• (George Costanza) "Smile."

• (Jerry) "So your saying UNICEF is a scam?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation. No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."

• (Jerry) "Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?"
• (Newman) "As a matter of fact, I did."
• (Jerry) "Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame."

• (Cushman) "Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?"
• (George Costanza) "Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman."
• (Cushman) "Go on."
• (George Costanza) "All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it."
• (Cushman) "Do you talk to everybody like this?"
• (George Costanza) "Of course."
• (Cushman) "My niece told me you were different."
• (George Costanza) "I am different, yeah."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm out."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest."

• (Elaine) "Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."

• (Elaine) "YOU'RE BALD."
• (George Costanza) "Correction. I WAS bald."

• (Jackie Chiles) "You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove."

• (Jerry) "What is this salty discharge?"

• (George Costanza) "I'm speechless. I have no speech."

• (David Puddy) "Feels like an Arby's night."

• (Frank Costanza) "Serenity now. Serenity now."
• (George Costanza) "What is that?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW""
• (George Costanza) "Are you supposed to yell it?"
• (Frank Costanza) "The man on the tape wasn't specific."

• (Elaine) "I got shooshed during Desperado."
• (Jerry) "Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado --"

• (Elaine) "I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese."
• (Jerry) "You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George."
• (Elaine) "What?"
• (Jerry) "You're stupid, dumb."
• (Elaine) "I don't understand."
• (Jerry) "Exactly."

• (Jerry) "Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand."
• (Jerry) "People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings."

• (George Steinbrenner) "Wait -- What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?"

• (Unnamed) "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?"
• (Jerry) "Yes."

• (George Costanza) "Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends --"
• (Jerry) "That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends."
• (Jerry) "Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either --"

• (Unnamed) "Have you been in here before?"
• (George Costanza) "About a year ago. Wedding invitations."
• (Unnamed) "How did that work out?"
• (George Costanza) "No complaints."

• (Jackie Chiles) "You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?"

• (George Costanza) "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

• (George Costanza) "I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it."
• (Jerry) "It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."

• (Jerry) "Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge."
• (George Costanza) "This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend."
• (Jerry) "Well, your friend is morbidly obese."
• (George Costanza) "Well, at least I don't carry a purse."
• (Jerry) "It's not a purse, it's European."

• (Jerry) "A house in the Hamptons?"
• (George Costanza) "Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."

• (Jerry) "You can't just leave the group."
• (Elaine) "Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios."

• (Aldon Benes) "Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?"
• (George Costanza) "Oh, he's the comedian."
• (Jerry) "I'm just a regular person."
• (George Costanza) "No, no. He's just being modest."
• (Aldon Benes) "We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific."
• (Aldon Benes) "There's nothing funny about that."

• (Frank Costanza) "George, festivus is your heritage."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you."
• (Jerry) "Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Not as many as there used to be."

• (George Costanza) "You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect."

• (Jerry) "Why not "G-Bone"?"
• (George Costanza) "There's no G-Bone."
• (Jerry) "There's a g-spot."
• (George Costanza) "HEY. That's a myth."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The cat; mmrrrooowwwrr; is out of the bag."

• (Jerry) "I prefer to do my own material."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "That's as good as anything you do."

• (George Costanza) "I like DeSoto."
• (Jerry) "DeSoto? What did he do?"
• (George Costanza) "He discovered Mississippi."
• (Jerry) "Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway."

• (Elaine) "Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls."

• (George Costanza) "What's a three-letter word for "candy"?"
• (Jerry) "I can't do those things."

• (George Costanza) "Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?"
• (Jerry) "No, what happened to you?"
• (George Costanza) "All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries"."
• (Jerry) "I'm Vandelay Industries?"
• (George Costanza) "Right."
• (Jerry) "What is that?"
• (George Costanza) "You're in latex."
• (Jerry) "What do I do with latex?"
• (George Costanza) "I don't know, you manufacture it."
• (Elaine) "Right here in this little apartment?"
• (Jerry) "And what do I say about you?"
• (George Costanza) "You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman."
• (Jerry) "I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?"
• (George Costanza) "Because I asked you to."
• (Jerry) "If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff."

• (George Costanza) "So, did you get your new plates?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh -- yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates."
• (George Costanza) "What do they say?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Assman."
• (Jerry) "Assman?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman."
• (Jerry) "Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?"
• (George Costanza) "Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's."
• (Jerry) "It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yeah, or it could be a proctologist."
• (Jerry) "Yeah. Proctologist."
• (George Costanza) "Come on. No doctor would put that on his car."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.""

• (George Costanza) "You've got to apologize."
• (Jerry) "Why?"
• (George Costanza) "Because its the mature and adult thing to do."
• (Jerry) "How does that affect me?"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "May I have one of those, madame?"

• (Newman) "Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Hey, where's he going?"
• (Newman) "I think he's stealing our rickshaw."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Oh then he's out."
• (Homeless Man) "I'll take the job."
• (Homeless Man) "Potato salad."

• (George Costanza) "Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life."
• (Jerry) "Bad situation --"

• (Cosmo Kramer) "Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out."

• (Newman) "You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified."
• (Unnamed) "I could listen to you talk all day about mail."
• (Newman) "I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless."

• (Jerry) "Ah, you're crazy."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?"
• (Jerry) "It's impossible."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?"
• (Jerry) "It can't be."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
• (Jerry) "All right, that's enough."

• (Elaine) "My father thought George was gay."
• (Jerry) "It must have been the singing."
• (Elaine) "No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay."

• (Blaine) "What was bad about The English Patient?"
• (Elaine) "Only that it sucked."

• (Elaine) "You were born in Italy?"
• (Frank Costanza) "Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM."

• (Elaine) "Do you have a twenty?"
• (Jerry) "What for?"
• (Elaine) "Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back."
• (Jerry) "You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back --"

• (Jerry) "Yes?"
• (Unnamed) "Jerry Seinfeld?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars?"
• (Unnamed) "What cigars?"
• (Jerry) "Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans."
• (Unnamed) "Yes. We are the Cubans."

• (Jerry) "You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it."
• (Jerry) "This is an idiot."
• (George Costanza) "Is that right?"
• (George Costanza) "I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
• (Roxanne) "You're all winners."
• (George Costanza) "But suddenly, a new contender has emerged --"

• (Russell Dalrymple) "So, what have you guys come up with?"
• (Jerry) "Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself --"
• (George Costanza) "May I?"
• (Jerry) "Go ahead."
• (George Costanza) "I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing."
• (Russell Dalrymple) "Nothing?"
• (George Costanza) "Nothing."
• (Russell Dalrymple) "What does that mean?"
• (George Costanza) "The show is about nothing."

• (Izzy Mandelbaum) "Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian."
• (Jerry) "Actually, I am a comedian."
• (Izzy Mandelbaum) "That's not funny."

• (Jerry) "So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's a write-off for them."
• (Jerry) "How is it a write-off?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "They just write it off."
• (Jerry) "Write it off what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
• (Jerry) "You don't even know what a write-off is."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Do you?"
• (Jerry) "No, I don't."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."

• (Jerry) "Helllllooooo. La, la, la."

• (Uncle Leo) "Jerry -- H E L L O"

• (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "Wow, restaurant. Flowers --"
• (Jerry) "Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?"
• (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "It's fine."
• (Jerry) "Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man."
• (Dr. Sarah Sitarides) "What is with you?"
• (Jerry) "You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD."

• (Elaine) "David and I will not get back together."
• (Jerry) "Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

• (George Costanza) "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?"

• (George Costanza) "You're killing independent George."

• (George Costanza) "I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Talk to me."
• (George Costanza) "But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Understand?"
• (Jerry) "Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers."

• (Jerry) "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer -- but not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure -- my twinkle. Everything I have I owe to this face."
• (Jerry) "And your teeth -- they're all brown."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Look away. I'm hideous."

• (Elaine) "Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun?"
• (Elaine) "That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents."
• (Jerry) "Still a ripoff."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket."
• (George Costanza) "How do you know?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died."
• (George Costanza) "51 people? I thought it was more like 1000."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "There were 1,560 survivors."
• (George Costanza) "That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?"

• (George Costanza) "I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

• (Newman) "I propose -- AN ALLIANCE."
• (Jerry) "An alliance? -- Deal."
• (Jerry) "Now, get the hell out of here."

• (Ronnie) "I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her."
• (Jerry) "Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand."
• (Ronnie) "I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me."
• (Jerry) "Well, that shouldn't be long --"

• (George Costanza) "I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?"
• (Jerry) "Elaine danced?"
• (George Costanza) "More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music."

• (Elaine) "Where's Kramer?"
• (Jerry) "Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away."
• (Jerry) "Walk away?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free."
• (Jerry) "Isn't there a deductible?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right, what is your deductible?"
• (Jerry) "I don't know."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "Yes, because they've already deducted it."
• (Jerry) "From what?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car."
• (Jerry) "We're not leaving the car."
• (Cosmo Kramer) "All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf."

• (Cosmo Kramer) "You know, they botched my vasectomy?"
• (Jerry) "They botched it?"
• (Cosmo Kramer) "I'm even more potent now."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.