Scrubs (season 5) Quotes

Scrubs (season 5) is a television show that was first aired in 2006 on NBC. Scrubs ended its run in 2006.

Scrubs (season 5) lasted 24 episodes.

The cast includes: Dave Foley as Dr. Cox, Donald Faison as Turk, Zach Braff as J.D., Sarah Chalke as Elliot, Neil Flynn as Janitor, Judy Reyes as Carla, Sam Lloyd as Ted, Ken Jenkins as Dr. Kelso, Donald Faison as Chris Turk, Aloma Wright as Nurse Roberts, Robert Maschio as Todd, Christa Miller as Jordan, Johnny Kastl as Doug, Christa Miller as Lisa, Tom Cavanagh as Gloria, and Tom Cavanagh as Dan.

Scrubs (season 5) Quotes

Robert Maschio as Todd

(Robert Maschio) "That was really big of you to take the blame for Elliot. Just yesterday I really wanted to spank her."
(Donald Faison) "Why, did she mess up a patient for you, too?"
(Robert Maschio) "No."

(Robert Maschio) "Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl."

(Robert Maschio) "I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor -- I'm gonna go try and stop it."

(Robert Maschio) "So, what are her breasts like?"
(Sarah Chalke) "Todd, I'm right here."
(Robert Maschio) "Oh, sorry -- So, what are your breast like?"

(Unnamed) "You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo."
(Robert Maschio) "In your endo."

(Robert Maschio) "The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender."

(Robert Maschio) "Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident here he wants to make things clear so you don't have to wonder any more."
(Robert Maschio) "Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and -- yes, if I've been drinkin'."
(Aloma Wright) "Come here, wonder bread."
(Robert Maschio) "What's up, doll?"
(Aloma Wright) "If you come this close again I will end you."
(Robert Maschio) "I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty."

(Robert Maschio) "Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together."
(Donald Faison) "And yet you continue to eat chili."
(Robert Maschio) "Dude I'm takin' the cheese off."

Neil Flynn as Janitor

(Neil Flynn) "Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine."
(Randall) "Burn down her apartment."
(Troy) "I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat."
(Neil Flynn) "Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys."

(Neil Flynn) "Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight."
(Sam Lloyd) "Oh man. I ironed my going out hair."

(Neil Flynn) "I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No -- because you're unconscious."

(Neil Flynn) "What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?"

(Neil Flynn) "Now, to me, that sounds like your fault -- Shocking?"
(Neil Flynn) "Where ya going? Stay and play."

(Neil Flynn) "Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open."
(Zach Braff) "Maybe there's a penny stuck in there."
(Neil Flynn) "Why a penny?"
(Zach Braff) "No reason."
(Neil Flynn) "You stick a penny in there?"
(Zach Braff) "No, I was just making small talk."
(Neil Flynn) "If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down."

(Neil Flynn) "Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on. You can do this. You went to Harvard, for God's sake."
(Troy) "Relax. I figured it out."
(Neil Flynn) "Okay -- You gave me a penny -- and -- what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents."

(Neil Flynn) "Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family."

(Neil Flynn) "Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers. Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day; let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof --"
(Neil Flynn) "-- there is NOT a toilet on the roof."
(Robert Maschio) "But you just said there was."
(Neil Flynn) "No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this -- there's a toilet -- on the roof. Am I right, people?"
(Robert Maschio) "Cool."

(Neil Flynn) "How did you get a girlfriend?"
(Sam Lloyd) "I became friends with her best friend."
(Neil Flynn) "How'd you do that?"
(Sam Lloyd) "I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car."
(Sam Lloyd) "I lost my hair in the 8th grade."

(Neil Flynn) "Hey, Idiot."
(Neil Flynn) "Heh. I said idiot and you turned around."

Zach Braff as J.D.

(Zach Braff) "What the hell are we supposed to do?"
(Dave Foley) "Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is; poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this; narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless"
(Dave Foley) "it's firing out of both exits."
(Zach Braff) "Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu."

(Zach Braff) "Why aren't you using the mop I bought you?"
(Neil Flynn) "I didn't like it."
(Zach Braff) "But you cried."
(Neil Flynn) "No, that was you."

(Zach Braff) "Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?"
(Dave Foley) "The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power."

(Zach Braff) "Then he said something I never expected to hear."
(Neil Flynn) "I don't like you."
(Zach Braff) "Not that I totally expected that."

(Zach Braff) "Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?"
(Dave Foley) "I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan."

(Zach Braff) "Can you get that for me? I can't reach it."
(Neil Flynn) "Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one."
(Zach Braff) "No, I really need it."
(Neil Flynn) "OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year."
(Zach Braff) "OK, I want that."
(Neil Flynn) "Too late."

(Zach Braff) "Ben -- you have leukaemia."
(Ben) "That sucks."
(Zach Braff) "Yeah."

(Zach Braff) "Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through. Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox."
(Dave Foley) "Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets."

(Zach Braff) "Hey, Perry --"
(Dave Foley) "Perry?"
(Zach Braff) "Yeah, it's a new thing I'm trying. So, Perry, I was wondering if you knew that I have a date this weekend?"
(Dave Foley) "Really? Well, newbie, I'm glad that you finally found a woman who enjoys the benefits of a same sex relationship."

(Zach Braff) "Sticks and stones may break my bones --"
(Zach Braff) "but words will hurt me forever."

(Zach Braff) "Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime."
(Ken Jenkins) "Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end."

(Zach Braff) "I have a quick legal question. What if -- hypothetically --"
(Sam Lloyd) "Oh, God, you killed someone."
(Zach Braff) "No."
(Sam Lloyd) "Someone else did?"

(Zach Braff) "Why don't I ever listen to me?"

(Zach Braff) "Hey there, research buddy."
(Dave Foley) "We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision."
(Zach Braff) "Things Jordan says during sex."
(Zach Braff) "-- there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone."
(Dave Foley) "Things you say when you talk to your patients."

(Zach Braff) "Aaaah. My 'me time' hand."

(Zach Braff) "Uh-oh."
(Dave Foley) "First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I"
(Dave Foley) "am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five."

(Zach Braff) "Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that"."
(Sarah Chalke) "Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't."
(Donald Faison) "See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman."

(Zach Braff) "Oh no. If Jordan finds out it was me who screwed up her date she'll give me the evil eye and twist my nipples off."
(Zach Braff) "Oh no, she knows."

(Zach Braff) "What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex."

(Zach Braff) "What the hell, he deserves it."
(Zach Braff) "Mother-f"

(Zach Braff) "I am not addicted to Journey"
(Donald Faison) "She's just a small-town girl --"
(Zach Braff) "Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere."

(Zach Braff) "It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across."

(Zach Braff) "Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word"
(Mrs. Grodberg) "But I'm still beating you --"
(Zach Braff) "Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins."
(Zach Braff) "Half a brain, dammit."

(Zach Braff) "Now -- that tumor's looking so big -- it's beginning to look like a threemor --"

(Zach Braff) "Oh my God, do not say splotchy."
(Zach Braff) "Good splotchy Dr. Splotchy."

(Zach Braff) "I can't believe you lost our bottle opener."
(Donald Faison) "Yeah, I know."
(Donald Faison) "I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes."
(Zach Braff) "You're a bad person."

(Dr. Kevin Casey) "It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands --"
(Dr. Kevin Casey) "This is a secret -- no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?"
(Zach Braff) "Okay, no problem."
(Dr. Kevin Casey) "I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else --"
(Zach Braff) "He was right, I couldn't do it --"
(Dr. Kevin Casey) "You need help JD?"
(Zach Braff) "No, nothing --"
(Zach Braff) "None of us needed help --"

(Zach Braff) "Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long."
(Zach Braff) "And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE."
(Zach Braff) "And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?"
(Zach Braff) "And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are."
(Aloma Wright) "Did I miss something good?"

(Bouncer) "Okay, you're in."
(Zach Braff) "Word."
(Bouncer) "Uh. You're out."
(Donald Faison) "Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle."
(Bouncer) "You out, too."

(Mikey) "Eeeeeeeeehhhhh. I'm a pretty airplane. Board me. Eeeeeeeeehhhhh."
(Murray Marks) "He's a little off."
(Zach Braff) "He smells like fuel."
(Murray Marks) "He's an airplane."

(Zach Braff) "You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you."

(Zach Braff) "It's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy."

(Zach Braff) "There are a lot of ways to grieve, but last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them."

(Zach Braff) "Hmm -- it looks benign."
(Neil Flynn) "Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half."

(Zach Braff) "I think childbirth has been way too romanticized."
(Zach Braff) "You'll fart, poop, pee, and scream, all in front of ten complete strangers, all of whom are staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing."
(Pregnant Wife) "You do it."

(Zach Braff) "Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?"
(Neil Flynn) "I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal."

(Zach Braff) "Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla. How can I use this to my advantage?"
(Judy Reyes) "Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.. Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day."
(Neil Flynn) "Would he like strawberry or banana?"
(Judy Reyes) "-- Purple tree car with cheese."
(Neil Flynn) "LIAR."
(Zach Braff) "Feliz Navidad --"
(Zach Braff) "I'd have to learn Spanish."

(Zach Braff) "Ahh. I can't believe it's over."
(Donald Faison) "Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information."
(Donald Faison) "Okay, you do not want to lose this hottie. She is a slamming hottie. And you do not --"
(Judy Reyes) "Turk --"
(Donald Faison) "Sorry."
(Zach Braff) "I got this. Baby, you know you're his world."

(Zach Braff) "Okay, fine. Let's just play -- Tip Over the Trashcan."
(Zach Braff) "Okay, I win."
(Neil Flynn) "Can I play?"
(Neil Flynn) "This is fun."
(Zach Braff) "Yeah."

(Zach Braff) "I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law,"
(Zach Braff) "or that cousin you have funny feelings for"
(Zach Braff) ", and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year."
(Zach Braff) "Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with --"
(Dave Foley) "Nobody talk, just drink."
(Zach Braff) "Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol -- just like Thanksgiving at home."

(Zach Braff) "I just Marcia Brady'd your ass."
(Donald Faison) "What the hell are you talking about?"
(Zach Braff) "Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better --"
(Donald Faison) "Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch."

(Zach Braff) "Who put this up?"
(Neil Flynn) "I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year."
(Zach Braff) "But I've only worked here for three months."

(Zach Braff) "But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too."

(Zach Braff) "Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person -- or Jewel."

(Zach Braff) "Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl for once."
(Zach Braff) "I miss you so much it hurts sometimes."

(Zach Braff) "Ring around the janitor, pocket full of --"
(Neil Flynn) "Pocket full of what"
(Zach Braff) "ZANitor"
(Neil Flynn) "That's not a word"

(Zach Braff) "This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something."
(Zach Braff) "Banana Hammock."

(Zach Braff) "Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?"

(Zach Braff) "Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style."
(Judy Reyes) "His office is that way."
(Zach Braff) "Yeah, I have to throw up first."

(Zach Braff) "Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that -- you're afraid."
(Dave Foley) "I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well -- I told you I was afraid earlier today -- so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact -- I'm the one who said them."

(Zach Braff) "Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."

(Zach Braff) "Oh, my God, I just said slave to my black girlfriend."

(Zach Braff) "Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered in your heart, so I'm going to schedule a pericardial centesis and drain it with a needle."
(Unnamed) "Someone's going to stick a needle in my chest?"
(Zach Braff) "Not just someone; Dr. Daman"
(Unnamed) "Who's Dr. Daman?"
(Zach Braff) "-- Say it; -say it without the Dr."
(Unnamed) "Who's Mr. Daman"
(Zach Braff) "No, just say the last name."
(Unnamed) "Who's Da Man?"
(Zach Braff) "I'M THE MAN."
(Zach Braff) "It was awesome; it was fun doing that with you."

(Zach Braff) "You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?"
(Judy Reyes) "I don't know."
(Zach Braff) "Catch you later -- my brutha."
(Donald Faison) "I'll holla."
(Zach Braff) "He said, he'll holler --"

Donald Faison as Chris Turk

(Donald Faison) "It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."

(Donald Faison) "Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single. Chasing tail. Hell, I miss it every day."
(Judy Reyes) "Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?"

(Donald Faison) "Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock."
(Sarah Chalke) "If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro."
(Judy Reyes) "I do think that."

(Donald Faison) "I got that guy."

(Donald Faison) "It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date."
(Zach Braff) "Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?"

(Donald Faison) "Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse."
(Zach Braff) "Nothing's worse than a ninja; they're masters of every style of combat."
(Judy Reyes) "Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?"
(Sarah Chalke) "I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here -- you can walk through walls and nobody notices you."
(Zach Braff) "Not entirely unlike a -- ninja."

(Donald Faison) "Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first."

(Donald Faison) "Woman, I was covered in BEES."

(Donald Faison) "I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up"
(Zach Braff) "He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut."

(Donald Faison) "Ankles is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses."

(Donald Faison) "Scalpel."
(Judy Reyes) "Scalpel what?"
(Donald Faison) "Scalpel, please."
(Judy Reyes) "Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby."
(Dr. Wen) "Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?"

(Donald Faison) "Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?"
(Aloma Wright) "I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts."
(Donald Faison) "Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it."

(Donald Faison) "Let's play Steak."
(Zach Braff) "What?"
(Donald Faison) "Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak."

(Donald Faison) "This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart --"
(Zach Braff) "This one needs courage."
(Donald Faison) "Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?"

(Donald Faison) "Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf."
(Zach Braff) "Presentation, inspiration, and fear?"

(Bonnie) "We're so lost."
(Donald Faison) "We're not lost."
(Bonnie) "Go left, here."
(Donald Faison) "It's a right."
(Bonnie) "You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions."
(Donald Faison) "Do you want to drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull; I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing."

(Donald Faison) "I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us; how come I can't be comfortable?"
(Judy Reyes) "And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats."

(Donald Faison) "Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off."
(Judy Reyes) "Nice, while your mother lays there dying."
(Donald Faison) "Tell her."
(Zach Braff) "His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together."
(Donald Faison) "Because I love my mom."
(Zach Braff) "Mm, and I would love her too."

(Donald Faison) "Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir?"
(Ken Jenkins) "I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up."

(Donald Faison) "You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari; formerly Bob; gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss -- and we hug -- and we apologize for all the things we said -- 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas."

(Donald Faison) "Who are these guys?"
(Zach Braff) "These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say " Crap, I've gotta go." And you'll go " Damn, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread."
(Donald Faison) "When do you find time to see your patients?"
(Zach Braff) "Between these thoughts."

(Donald Faison) "Awww -- Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?"
(Zach Braff) "Why don't you use Power Rangers?"
(Donald Faison) "How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?"
(Zach Braff) "Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?"
(Donald Faison) "How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman."
(Zach Braff) "Power Rangers ho."

(Donald Faison) "So, who'd you side with?"
(Zach Braff) "Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away."
(Donald Faison) "Smooth."

Dave Foley as Dr. Cox

(Dave Foley) "Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?"
(Judy Reyes) "Oh, he got off your leash?"
(Dave Foley) "Give me a break. The kid's like -- he's like a -- have you ever seen a drunk baby?"
(Dave Foley) "Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's -- it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man -- you take your eyes off them for one second --"

(Dave Foley) "Let's go, field trip."
(Donald Faison) "I got things to do, you know."
(Dave Foley) "Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts."
(Donald Faison) "Carla put you up to this?"
(Dave Foley) "No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around."
(Dave Foley) "Turn around."
(Dave Foley) "You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry; and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And -- sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing."

(Dave Foley) "The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched."
(Judy Reyes) "Aw, that is so sweet."
(Dave Foley) "Yeah, it is --"
(Zach Braff) "What about his subconscious?"
(Dave Foley) "Eisenhower -- was a sissy."
(Dave Foley) "I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk."

(Dave Foley) "No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient."
(Zach Braff) "Now what's that supposed to mean?"
(Unnamed) "Who am I?"

(Dave Foley) "Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?"
(Judy Reyes) "I said 'It's so good it's like crack'."
(Dave Foley) "Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was."
(Judy Reyes) "So what I'm not funny?"
(Dave Foley) "I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude --"
(Donald Faison) "Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do"
(Dave Foley) "Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch."
(Dave Foley) "Am I right?"
(Dave Foley) "Then there are people with funny names -- Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern --"
(Snoop Dogg Intern) "Yo."
(Dave Foley) "Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack."
(Sam Lloyd) "I am?"
(Dave Foley) "Yes"
(Sam Lloyd) "Awwwww."
(Dave Foley) "And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T -- T"
(Dave Foley) ". To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says."
(Ken Jenkins) "Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke."
(Dave Foley) "The point is PLEASE don't tell anymore jokes."
(Sam Lloyd) "I'm not really a sad sack?"
(Judy Reyes) "Ted your pen exploded."
(Sam Lloyd) "Awww."
(Sam Lloyd) "AWWWW MAN."

(Dave Foley) "I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible --"
(Sarah Chalke) "Oh, Dr. Cox?"
(Dave Foley) "Awww, dammmit."

(Dave Foley) "By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments."

(Dave Foley) "So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem."

(Dave Foley) "Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is; oh, I don't know; go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?"

(Dave Foley) "Shower shorts, newbie?"
(Zach Braff) "For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to."

(Dave Foley) "Oh, I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong."

(Dave Foley) "Oh and"
(Dave Foley) "Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition"
(Zach Braff) "I was just running kissing drills."
(Dave Foley) "Oh, that is completely normal then."

(Dave Foley) "Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I -- do I smell beer?"
(Zach Braff) "Uh, we -- we, uh, we had a few."
(Dave Foley) "Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots."

(Dave Foley) "Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No. That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy."

(Dave Foley) "Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?"
(Zach Braff) "Is that a gay joke?"
(Dave Foley) "No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years; how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays; I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween; but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair --"
(Zach Braff) "Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him."
(Judy Reyes) "My mom died."
(Zach Braff) "Except that."

(Dave Foley) "Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's -- it's why I trust you as a person."

(Dave Foley) "I don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell. Hitler, Musollini -- Captain Kangaroo? That's not right."

(Dave Foley) "I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?"
(Neil Flynn) "Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now."
(Dave Foley) "Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth."

(Dave Foley) "Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them --"

(Dave Foley) "Boy oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. And trust me, he'll make ya pay."
(Dr. Clock) "Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I'll bet he's a sweetheart."
(Dave Foley) "No no, underneath it all, he is pure evil."
(Dr. Clock) "Perry, no one's pure evil. I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center."
(Dave Foley) "There are plenty of people, here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and on the inside."
(Dr. Clock) "So they'd have more of a nougaty center?"
(Dave Foley) "Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine."
(Dr. Clock) "I'm touching your creamy center."

(Dave Foley) "I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine."
(Judy Reyes) "Please. What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife --"
(Dave Foley) "Would you please get off my ex-wife?"
(Judy Reyes) "I will if you will."
(Dave Foley) "Well -- dammit. Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you."

(Dr. Miller) "Listen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left staring at an imaginary woman's chest as she was trying to make a point."
(Dave Foley) "Oh I'm, I'm sorry, it's my fault. That dress just screams, Respect me as a doctor."

(Dave Foley) "Yo, girl's name."
(Zach Braff) "What?"
(Dave Foley) "Gimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back."

(Dave Foley) "Honestly, I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard -- But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth -- And -- th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they'd ever seen. So, maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is every last bit of okay. Maybe it's a -- a natural progression. It's not like there's any real ramifications --"
(Dave Foley) "-- right?"

(Dave Foley) "Ah, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay."
(Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay --"
(Dave Foley) "-- so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder; boo-hoo-wah; and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?"
(Aloma Wright) "Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories."

(Dave Foley) "Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall in which you're leaning against, of course, then you would be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it, I'll tackle that one right upstairs. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work, and right about now, even though you don't have your basket, its just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley -- skip away -- skip away -- skip away, skip, skip, skip to my loo, woohoo."

(Dave Foley) "I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it."
(Zach Braff) "Wow -- Wanna hug?"
(Dave Foley) "You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you?"

(Dave Foley) "She's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul."

(Dave Foley) "Oh, and Ginger, by the way; just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy."
(Zach Braff) "Excuse me?"
(Dave Foley) "Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious."
(Dave Foley) "Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her."

(Dave Foley) "I -- I'm sorry. Um -- crazy person says what?"
(Christa Miller) "What?"
(Dave Foley) "Atta girl."

(Dave Foley) "You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you'd at least be serving a purpose; specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against; but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing."
(Dave Foley) "I know, it's a conundrum but don't you worry, I'll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley?"

(Dave Foley) "-- and bam. They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV."
(Dave Foley) "God save me, it was barely out of the box."
(Dave Foley) "The point is -- Newbie is my drunk baby."

(Dave Foley) "You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was."
(Zach Braff) "Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so --"
(Dave Foley) "Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality -- well, he could have done a much, much worse job."

(Dave Foley) "I don't know what the hell she wants."
(Donald Faison) "I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants."
(Zach Braff) "My peeps are on the frits."
(Dave Foley) "What?"
(Donald Faison) "Whoa."
(Zach Braff) "No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits --"
(Donald Faison) "Yeah, right."
(Dave Foley) "God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything."
(Donald Faison) "Dude --"
(Neil Flynn) "Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar."
(Neil Flynn) "Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits."

(Dave Foley) "I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see -- low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions."
(Dave Foley) "Oh, and Hugh Jackman."
(Zach Braff) "Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. How dare he."

(Dave Foley) "Who're you?"
(Neil Flynn) "Just a man with a saw."

(Dave Foley) "Hey, newbie. What's up?"
(Zach Braff) "Everything. Everything's up."
(Ken Jenkins) "Rise and shine, Dr. Dorian."
(Robert Maschio) "Hey, how's your penis?"
(Zach Braff) "Don't worry, he says that to everybody."
(Robert Maschio) "Hey, how's your penis?"

(Dave Foley) "Jordan. Get out of bed. We have a wedding to go to."
(Christa Miller) "Perry, Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty. It's just you and me -- let's take a nap, we'll sleep through the ceremony and then go to the reception."
(Dave Foley) "Can we at least have sex?"
(Christa Miller) "Do what you have to, don't wake me."

(Dave Foley) "You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29."
(Christa Miller) "My face will never look 40."

(Dave Foley) "Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

(Dave Foley) "You have a bunch of monkey interns. It's your job as co-chief residents to catch whatever they're flinging."

(Dave Foley) "I swear, that young man has killed so many people, I'm starting to think he just might be a government agent."

(Dave Foley) "Oh, my God. I just gagged and vomited at the same time. I gavomited."

(Dave Foley) "You stole my moment -- and you will pay."

(Dave Foley) "Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it."
(Zach Braff) "Oh, I have to get to the funeral."
(Dave Foley) "Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you?"
(Dave Foley) "Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?"

(Dave Foley) "I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it."

(Woman) "Hi, cutie. Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with."
(Dave Foley) "Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice."
(Christa Miller) "Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley."
(Dave Foley) "Yeah."

(Dave Foley) "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring."

(Dave Foley) "Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went and put about a 600% markup on it."
(Dave Foley) "But hey, the only ones get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, well that just means you don't care either, and that's pretty much what's making me sick, that's all."

Sarah Chalke as Elliot

(Sarah Chalke) "Do you want to be alone?"
(Zach Braff) "No."
(Sarah Chalke) "Do you want to cry a little?"
(Zach Braff) "No."
(Sarah Chalke) "Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do?"

(Sarah Chalke) "Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?"
(Aloma Wright) "Have you been drinkin'?"

(Sarah Chalke) "Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?"
(Dave Foley) "No, Barbie, no -- it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns."
(Sarah Chalke) "I'm sorry, that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person."
(Dave Foley) "Ooh, Backbone Barbie."

(Sarah Chalke) "I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them."
(Zach Braff) "Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage."
(Sarah Chalke) "Well, if you don't it gets mildewy."
(Zach Braff) "You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney."

(Nurse) "Did somebody here buzz for a nurse?"
(Sarah Chalke) "No."
(Nurse) "It looks like his eyes are screaming --"

(Sarah Chalke) "What are you doing in here?"
(Neil Flynn) "It's -- the men's room."
(Sarah Chalke) "I know. I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then -- tried them, and found them -- oddly comfortable --"

(Paul Flowers) "Sometimes it feels like you're holding back."
(Sarah Chalke) "Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?"

(Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox."
(Dave Foley) "I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me."
(Sarah Chalke) "I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me by sending me to Dr. Kelso."
(Dave Foley) "The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone."
(Sarah Chalke) "I think we both know there's a little more to it than that."
(Dave Foley) "No, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've -- had -- enough. The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aïsha, I'm going to hurt."
(Dave Foley) "And you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel."
(Sarah Chalke) "You're right, you're absolutely right. I have to learn to pick my battles. Thank you so much."
(Dave Foley) "Y -- you're welcome."

(Sarah Chalke) "Position one, two or three?"
(Zach Braff) "We only had two."
(Sarah Chalke) "Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later."

(Sarah Chalke) "Thanks again for helping me look for Carla."
(Neil Flynn) "No problem. I'll check the dumpster."
(Sarah Chalke) "-- We're not looking for dead Carla."
(Neil Flynn) "Atta girl. You stay optimistic."

(Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox."
(Dave Foley) "And there you are."
(Sarah Chalke) "Huh?"
(Dave Foley) "I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine -- and there you are."

(Sarah Chalke) "And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle."

(Sarah Chalke) "Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye."
(Zach Braff) "Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern --"
(Snoop Dogg Intern) "Where my hoes at?"
(Zach Braff) "I haven't seen them."

(Sarah Chalke) "I have magic breasts."

(Sarah Chalke) "But if the ceremony's in spanish, how will I know when you guys are married?"
(Judy Reyes) "We all shoot off our guns and throw tortillas in the air."
(Sarah Chalke) "Really? Oh, I wish I was was ethnic."

(Sarah Chalke) "Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day."

(Sarah Chalke) "Hm. Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman."
(Judy Reyes) "Same job, different outfit."

(Sarah Chalke) "J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?"
(Zach Braff) "Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV."

(Sarah Chalke) "A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need."

(Sarah Chalke) "I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge."

(Sarah Chalke) "Frick on a stick with a brick."

(Sarah Chalke) "Do you speak french?"
(Donald Faison) "You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks."
(Sarah Chalke) "I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, ok?"
(Donald Faison) "I have -- an -- Eiffel Tower -- in my pants."
(Sarah Chalke) "What?"
(Donald Faison) "Grapefruit."

(Sarah Chalke) "I heard you're telling everyone I violated you."
(Zach Braff) "Not everyone. Just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents."

(Sarah Chalke) "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
(Zach Braff) "We could die."

(Sarah Chalke) "I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?"
(Zach Braff) "Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him."
(Donald Faison) "Or, it's a simple surgery."
(Zach Braff) "Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face."
(Sarah Chalke) "Cut me the hell up."
(Zach Braff) "Dammit."

(Sarah Chalke) "If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo."

Ken Jenkins as Dr. Kelso

(Ken Jenkins) "Come here, Tom."
(Sam Lloyd) "Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years."

(Ken Jenkins) "Ahh, Dr. Turkleton."
(Donald Faison) "Actually, sir, it's Turk."
(Ken Jenkins) "That's your first name."
(Donald Faison) "You think my name is Turk Turkleton?"
(Ken Jenkins) "-- and Mrs. Turkleton. The Turkletons. Hehehe --"
(Ken Jenkins) "Give me a scotch."

(Ken Jenkins) "She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute -- I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries."

(Ken Jenkins) "I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language."
(Dr. Clock) "Gracias, Señor."
(Ken Jenkins) "You're welcomo."

(Ken Jenkins) "I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?"
(Dave Foley) "I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an -- unholy sin."
(Ken Jenkins) "Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically."

(Ken Jenkins) "Do you want me to order you a clown?"
(Zach Braff) "A drunk clown hurt me once."

(Ken Jenkins) "Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body -- or at least some garlic knots."
(Donald Faison) "Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive."
(Ken Jenkins) "I don't think so."
(Ken Jenkins) "Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?"
(Ken Jenkins) "Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two -- except of course that a yellow light means to slow down."

(Ken Jenkins) "Ketchup is for winners, Ted."

(Ken Jenkins) "Are you an idiot?"
(Zach Braff) "No, sir, I'm a dreamer."

(Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?"
(Dave Foley) "Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it; with your memo in the pocket; and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks."

(Ken Jenkins) "And Johnny's got a tattoo on his left cheek that says 'Bobbie'."
(Unnamed) "-- I bet he doesn't regret that at all."

(Ken Jenkins) "Sweet dancing Jehovah. I've punctured my brain."

(Ken Jenkins) "Son, do you

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