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Scrubs (season 1) Quotes

Scrubs (season 1) is a television show that debuted in 2001 on NBC. Scrubs ended its run in 2002.

Scrubs (season 1) aired for 24 episodes.

The cast includes: Donald Faison as Turk, Zach Braff as J.D., Sarah Chalke as Elliot, Neil Flynn as Janitor, Judy Reyes as Carla, Sam Lloyd as Ted, Ken Jenkins as Dr. Kelso, Donald Faison as Chris Turk, Aloma Wright as Nurse Roberts, Robert Maschio as Todd, Michael McDonald as Mikey, Christa Miller as Jordan, Brendan Fraser as Ben, Johnny Kastl as Doug, Brendan Fraser as Lisa, John Ritter as Gloria, and Christa Miller as Dan.

Scrubs (season 1) Quotes

Zach Braff as J.D.

  • (Zach Braff) "Hey, where's my fuzzy for my 3 wood?"
  • (Donald Faison) "It's on my 9 wood."
  • (Zach Braff) "This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something."
  • (Zach Braff) "Banana Hammock."
  • (Zach Braff) "Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs."
  • (Zach Braff) "You hear about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had noBODY to go with."
  • (Neena) "A ha ha ha. That's really funny."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious."
  • (Zach Braff) "I think childbirth has been way too romanticized."
  • (Zach Braff) "You'll fart, poop, pee, and scream, all in front of ten complete strangers, all of whom are staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing."
  • (Pregnant Wife) "You do it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ben -- you have leukaemia."
  • (Brendan Fraser) "That sucks."
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah."
  • (Zach Braff) "Then he said something I never expected to hear."
  • (Neil Flynn) "I don't like you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Not that I totally expected that."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla. How can I use this to my advantage?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.. Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Would he like strawberry or banana?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "-- Purple tree car with cheese."
  • (Neil Flynn) "LIAR."
  • (Zach Braff) "Feliz Navidad --"
  • (Zach Braff) "I'd have to learn Spanish."
  • (Zach Braff) "Now -- that tumor's looking so big -- it's beginning to look like a threemor --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person -- or Jewel."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, I have to get to the funeral."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, my God, I just said slave to my black girlfriend."
  • (Zach Braff) "Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal."
  • (Zach Braff) "I have a quick legal question. What if -- hypothetically --"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Oh, God, you killed someone."
  • (Zach Braff) "No."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Someone else did?"
  • (Zach Braff) "What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word"
  • (Mrs. Grodberg) "But I'm still beating you --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins."
  • (Zach Braff) "Half a brain, dammit."
  • (Zach Braff) "Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long."
  • (Zach Braff) "And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE."
  • (Zach Braff) "And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?"
  • (Zach Braff) "And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are."
  • (Aloma Wright) "Did I miss something good?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Wow -- Wanna hug?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you?"
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands --"
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "This is a secret -- no one is suppose to know about this. Ok?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, no problem."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else --"
  • (Zach Braff) "He was right, I couldn't do it --"
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "You need help JD?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No, nothing --"
  • (Zach Braff) "None of us needed help --"
  • (Zach Braff) "What the hell are we supposed to do?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is; poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this; narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless"
  • (Dr. Cox) "it's firing out of both exits."
  • (Zach Braff) "Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu."
  • (Dr. Cox) "No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient."
  • (Zach Braff) "Now what's that supposed to mean?"
  • (Unnamed) "Who am I?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, fine. Let's just play -- Tip Over the Trashcan."
  • (Zach Braff) "Okay, I win."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Can I play?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "This is fun."
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan."
  • (Zach Braff) "I am not addicted to Journey"
  • (Donald Faison) "She's just a small-town girl --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere."
  • (Zach Braff) "Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through. Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you."
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards. Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Thank you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dammit."
  • (Zach Braff) "Aaaah. My 'me time' hand."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Hey, newbie. What's up?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Everything. Everything's up."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Rise and shine, Dr. Dorian."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Hey, how's your penis?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Don't worry, he says that to everybody."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Hey, how's your penis?"
  • (Zach Braff) "There are a lot of ways to grieve, but last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them."
  • (Zach Braff) "Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style."
  • (Judy Reyes) "His office is that way."
  • (Zach Braff) "Yeah, I have to throw up first."
  • (Zach Braff) "You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "I don't know."
  • (Zach Braff) "Catch you later -- my brutha."
  • (Donald Faison) "I'll holla."
  • (Zach Braff) "He said, he'll holler --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home --"
  • (Zach Braff) "I can't believe you lost our bottle opener."
  • (Donald Faison) "Yeah, I know."
  • (Donald Faison) "I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes."
  • (Zach Braff) "You're a bad person."
  • (Zach Braff) "Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl for once."
  • (Zach Braff) "I miss you so much it hurts sometimes."
  • (Zach Braff) "What are you doing?"
  • (Johnny Kastl) "I'm calling my dad."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ahh. I can't believe it's over."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information."
  • (Donald Faison) "Okay, you do not want to lose this hottie. She is a slamming hottie. And you do not --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Turk --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Sorry."
  • (Zach Braff) "I got this. Baby, you know you're his world."
  • (Zach Braff) "Hmm -- it looks benign."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half."
  • (Zach Braff) "What the hell, he deserves it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Mother-f"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Is that a gay joke?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years; how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays; I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween; but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him."
  • (Judy Reyes) "My mom died."
  • (Zach Braff) "Except that."
  • (Zach Braff) "Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."
  • (Zach Braff) "Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that"."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't."
  • (Donald Faison) "See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see -- low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, and Hugh Jackman."
  • (Zach Braff) "Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. How dare he."
  • (Zach Braff) "But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh no. If Jordan finds out it was me who screwed up her date she'll give me the evil eye and twist my nipples off."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh no, she knows."
  • (Bouncer) "Okay, you're in."
  • (Zach Braff) "Word."
  • (Bouncer) "Uh. You're out."
  • (Donald Faison) "Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle."
  • (Bouncer) "You out, too."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ring around the janitor, pocket full of --"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Pocket full of what"
  • (Zach Braff) "ZANitor"
  • (Neil Flynn) "That's not a word"
  • (Zach Braff) "Can you get that for me? I can't reach it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one."
  • (Zach Braff) "No, I really need it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year."
  • (Zach Braff) "OK, I want that."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Too late."
  • (Zach Braff) "Who put this up?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year."
  • (Zach Braff) "But I've only worked here for three months."
  • (Zach Braff) "Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that -- you're afraid."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well -- I told you I was afraid earlier today -- so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact -- I'm the one who said them."
  • (Zach Braff) "It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yo, girl's name."
  • (Zach Braff) "What?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Gimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back."
  • (Zach Braff) "It's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy."
  • (Zach Braff) "Sticks and stones may break my bones --"
  • (Zach Braff) "but words will hurt me forever."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, and Ginger, by the way; just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy."
  • (Zach Braff) "Excuse me?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her."
  • (Zach Braff) "I just Marcia Brady'd your ass."
  • (Donald Faison) "What the hell are you talking about?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch."
  • (Zach Braff) "It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves."
  • (Zach Braff) "What an odd-sized explosion --"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I -- do I smell beer?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Uh, we -- we, uh, we had a few."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots."
  • (Zach Braff) "Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Shower shorts, newbie?"
  • (Zach Braff) "For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to."
  • (Zach Braff) "I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way; by touching everything in his first patient's room."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink --"
  • (Zach Braff) "Everything."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "If it's bink I can explain."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "It's not bink."
  • (Zach Braff) "Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Just figure it out, dammit."
  • (Dr. Kevin Casey) "Do you plunder?"
  • (Zach Braff) "I have been known to."
  • (Zach Braff) "One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money."
  • (Donald Faison) "Eight seconds. Is that a new record, baby?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "That depends, what are we talking about?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh my God, do not say splotchy."
  • (Zach Braff) "Good splotchy Dr. Splotchy."

Ken Jenkins as Dr. Kelso

  • (Ken Jenkins) "Do you want me to order you a clown?"
  • (Zach Braff) "A drunk clown hurt me once."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ahh, Dr. Turkleton."
  • (Donald Faison) "Actually, sir, it's Turk."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "That's your first name."
  • (Donald Faison) "You think my name is Turk Turkleton?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "-- and Mrs. Turkleton. The Turkletons. Hehehe --"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Give me a scotch."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't schedule love."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think your credit card statement would beg to differ."
  • (Dr. Cox) "They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "What is so funny?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part."
  • (Aloma Wright) "Why?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Uh, no reason."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Boy oh boy, you are really digging the heck out of this "secret friendship" thing."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Well, it has all the thrills of an affair without all that exhausting sex."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me." Isn't that right, Ned?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Oh, definitely, sir. But -- from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable --"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "How vulnerable?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Sir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Perry."
  • (Dr. Cox) "BeelzeBob."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it."
  • (Zach Braff) "Sir, I don't think that's true."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "It's hotter than hell in here, Perry."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Freezing."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Great coffee, though."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Rat piss."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up."
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Your witness."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, Now that's a professional."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Um, Sir I don't think I look unprofessional."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup. Get a haircut. And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I know it was you."
  • (Donald Faison) "You mean this right here? It's mine from home."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language."
  • (Dr. Clock) "Gracias, Señor."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "You're welcomo."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute -- I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Sweet dancing Jehovah. I've punctured my brain."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Hey, guess what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Bob Kelso. I think we've met --"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ted have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I wish I was dead"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Are you an idiot?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No, sir, I'm a dreamer."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Baring his teeth, huh? -- OK, now here's whatcha do -- Are you ready?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Make a sudden move."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ahh, those two."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh. Yawn."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Wow. Seriously?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Yeah."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Not interested."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I didn't ask if you were interested."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Well, then, use that passion. Put that rage on the page."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Ted's not an impressive man."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Hey --. That; Ah, he's right."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end -- oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Buzzy, buzz, buzz --"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I -- beg your pardon?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Please?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Get here right now."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "And I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things"."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an -- unholy sin."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot -- why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions."
  • (Donald Faison) "You don't say."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Simpler times."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Come here, Tom."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Nothing worth having comes easy."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it; with your memo in the pocket; and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Perry, what's our plan of attack?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Uh-huh."
  • (Neil Flynn) "I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you."
  • (Neil Flynn) "He's near --"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing."
  • (Ken Jenkins) "Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight."

Sarah Chalke as Elliot

  • (Nurse) "Did somebody here buzz for a nurse?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "No."
  • (Nurse) "It looks like his eyes are screaming --"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox."
  • (Dr. Cox) "And there you are."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Huh?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine -- and there you are."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle."
  • (Paul Flowers) "Sometimes it feels like you're holding back."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Frick on a stick with a brick."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, Barbie, no -- it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I'm sorry, that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Ooh, Backbone Barbie."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him."
  • (Donald Faison) "Or, it's a simple surgery."
  • (Zach Braff) "Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Cut me the hell up."
  • (Zach Braff) "Dammit."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "But if the ceremony's in spanish, how will I know when you guys are married?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "We all shoot off our guns and throw tortillas in the air."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Really? Oh, I wish I was was ethnic."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Mr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital."
  • (Mr. Bragen) "Woo-hoo. I've got a tube in my penis."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass."
  • (Zach Braff) "And that my friends is one nerdy honky."
  • (Donald Faison) "That's two."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Position one, two or three?"
  • (Zach Braff) "We only had two."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Do you speak french?"
  • (Donald Faison) "You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, ok?"
  • (Donald Faison) "I have -- an -- Eiffel Tower -- in my pants."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "What?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Grapefruit."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible --"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, Dr. Cox?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Awww, dammmit."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I heard you're telling everyone I violated you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Not everyone. Just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me by sending me to Dr. Kelso."
  • (Dr. Cox) "The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I think we both know there's a little more to it than that."
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've -- had -- enough. The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aïsha, I'm going to hurt."
  • (Dr. Cox) "And you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "You're right, you're absolutely right. I have to learn to pick my battles. Thank you so much."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Y -- you're welcome."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "Have you been drinkin'?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Thanks again for helping me look for Carla."
  • (Neil Flynn) "No problem. I'll check the dumpster."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "-- We're not looking for dead Carla."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Atta girl. You stay optimistic."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Ah, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay --"
  • (Dr. Cox) "-- so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder; boo-hoo-wah; and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
  • (Zach Braff) "We could die."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye."
  • (Zach Braff) "Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern --"
  • (Snoop Dogg Intern) "Where my hoes at?"
  • (Zach Braff) "I haven't seen them."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I have magic breasts."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "What are you doing in here?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "It's -- the men's room."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I know. I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then -- tried them, and found them -- oddly comfortable --"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need."

Judy Reyes as Carla

  • (Judy Reyes) "Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?"
  • (Donald Faison) "I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wus'UP"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Who put my stapler on the floor?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Thong."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Face five. Oh, yeah."
  • (Judy Reyes) "What are you guys talking about?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Nothing, guy talk."
  • (Zach Braff) "Bitches and Hoes."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You have no chance of being normal."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Christopher."
  • (Donald Faison) "Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex -- Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Sometimes."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done playing racquetball or having a conversation or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep."
  • (Dr. Cox) "It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Elliot -- Have you been in the supply closet, crying?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Carla, I don't do that anymore."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Oh, my God. I look like Alice Cooper."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Dr Cox -- why is your mouth red?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Duct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor. End of story."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You know what your problem is?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "There are times when I put myself into situ --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, that is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences."
  • (Dr. Cox) "That's almost exactly what I was going to say."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Oh, he got off your leash?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Give me a break. The kid's like -- he's like a -- have you ever seen a drunk baby?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's -- it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man -- you take your eyes off them for one second --"
  • (Judy Reyes) "How you doing?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I'm exhausted. I mean, I'm just one person. At least Turk has you to pick up the slack when it gets too bad."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You'd think so."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Aren't you gonna answer that?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Nah, that's just Todd. He keeps calling me and asking if I want to move into his pants."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Please. What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife --"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Would you please get off my ex-wife?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "I will if you will."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Well -- dammit. Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you."
  • (Dr. Cox) "The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Aw, that is so sweet."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yeah, it is --"
  • (Zach Braff) "What about his subconscious?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "Eisenhower -- was a sissy."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You still like her."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "That room's not empty."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Well?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?"
  • (Judy Reyes) "Are you just gonna roll over like that?"
  • (Christa Miller) "That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?"
  • (Christa Miller) "Again, last night."
  • (Judy Reyes) "You've gone soft."
  • (Christa Miller) "Okay, now it's getting spooky."
  • (Judy Reyes) "How's he doing?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "The boy's got no biscuits."

Donald Faison as Chris Turk

  • (Bonnie) "We're so lost."
  • (Donald Faison) "We're not lost."
  • (Bonnie) "Go left, here."
  • (Donald Faison) "It's a right."
  • (Bonnie) "You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions."
  • (Donald Faison) "Do you want to drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull; I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I don't know what the hell she wants."
  • (Donald Faison) "I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants."
  • (Zach Braff) "My peeps are on the frits."
  • (Dr. Cox) "What?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Whoa."
  • (Zach Braff) "No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits --"
  • (Donald Faison) "Yeah, right."
  • (Dr. Cox) "God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude --"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits."
  • (Donald Faison) "Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single. Chasing tail. Hell, I miss it every day."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Awww -- Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Why don't you use Power Rangers?"
  • (Donald Faison) "How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?"
  • (Donald Faison) "How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman."
  • (Zach Braff) "Power Rangers ho."
  • (Donald Faison) "I got that guy."
  • (Donald Faison) "Let's play Steak."
  • (Zach Braff) "What?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak."
  • (Donald Faison) "Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up."
  • (Donald Faison) "Who are these guys?"
  • (Zach Braff) "These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say " Crap, I've gotta go." And you'll go " Damn, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread."
  • (Donald Faison) "When do you find time to see your patients?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Between these thoughts."
  • (Donald Faison) "I love large groups of white people eating pollen."
  • (Donald Faison) "Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Nice, while your mother lays there dying."
  • (Donald Faison) "Tell her."
  • (Zach Braff) "His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together."
  • (Donald Faison) "Because I love my mom."
  • (Zach Braff) "Mm, and I would love her too."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Let's go, field trip."
  • (Donald Faison) "I got things to do, you know."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts."
  • (Donald Faison) "Carla put you up to this?"
  • (Dr. Cox) "No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Turn around."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry; and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And -- sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing."
  • (Donald Faison) "Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts."
  • (Donald Faison) "Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it."
  • (Donald Faison) "Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro."
  • (Judy Reyes) "I do think that."
  • (Donald Faison) "Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse."
  • (Zach Braff) "Nothing's worse than a ninja; they're masters of every style of combat."
  • (Judy Reyes) "Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here -- you can walk through walls and nobody notices you."
  • (Zach Braff) "Not entirely unlike a -- ninja."
  • (Donald Faison) "So, who'd you side with?"
  • (Zach Braff) "Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away."
  • (Donald Faison) "Smooth."
  • (Donald Faison) "Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf."
  • (Zach Braff) "Presentation, inspiration, and fear?"
  • (Donald Faison) "I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up"
  • (Zach Braff) "He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut."
  • (Donald Faison) "This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart --"
  • (Zach Braff) "This one needs courage."
  • (Donald Faison) "Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Ankles is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you didn't lose it?"
  • (Ken Jenkins) "How do you know that?"
  • (Donald Faison) "Because I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile of the road."
  • (Donald Faison) "It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."
  • (Donald Faison) "Woman, I was covered in BEES."

Robert Maschio as Todd

  • (Robert Maschio) "Why won't any women talk to me?"
  • (Unnamed) "Because you're slimy and you turn everything into a double entendre."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I do not."
  • (Donald Faison) "Go ahead."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I'd like to double her entendre."
  • (Dr. Wen) "I don't know where that smell came from."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Uh, sir?"
  • (Dr. Wen) "What is it, do you see something?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Sir, I farted. That smell was from the fart that I made."
  • (Donald Faison) "Dude."
  • (Dr. Wen) "Get the Hell out of my O.R.."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl."
  • (Robert Maschio) "The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together."
  • (Donald Faison) "And yet you continue to eat chili."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Dude I'm takin' the cheese off."
  • (Robert Maschio) "That was really big of you to take the blame for Elliot. Just yesterday I really wanted to spank her."
  • (Donald Faison) "Why, did she mess up a patient for you, too?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "No."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor -- I'm gonna go try and stop it."
  • (Unnamed) "You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo."
  • (Robert Maschio) "In your endo."
  • (Robert Maschio) "So, what are her breasts like?"
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Todd, I'm right here."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Oh, sorry -- So, what are your breast like?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Show Todd some love."
  • (Zach Braff) "I hate showing Todd love."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident here he wants to make things clear so you don't have to wonder any more."
  • (Robert Maschio) "Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and -- yes, if I've been drinkin'."
  • (Aloma Wright) "Come here, wonder bread."
  • (Robert Maschio) "What's up, doll?"
  • (Aloma Wright) "If you come this close again I will end you."
  • (Robert Maschio) "I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty."
  • (Robert Maschio) "So, once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game."
  • (Johnny Kastl) "And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos."

Neil Flynn as Janitor

  • (Neil Flynn) "Scooter."
  • (Zach Braff) "Huh?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Your nickname will be scooter."
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't get it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Like Scooter Pies. I hate Scooter Pies."
  • (Zach Braff) "Oh -- now I get it."
  • (Neil Flynn) "I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No -- because you're unconscious."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Hey, Idiot."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Heh. I said idiot and you turned around."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open."
  • (Zach Braff) "Maybe there's a penny stuck in there."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Why a penny?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No reason."
  • (Neil Flynn) "You stick a penny in there?"
  • (Zach Braff) "No, I was just making small talk."
  • (Neil Flynn) "If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "Oh man. I ironed my going out hair."
  • (Dr. Cox) "I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth."
  • (Neil Flynn) "How did you get a girlfriend?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I became friends with her best friend."
  • (Neil Flynn) "How'd you do that?"
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car."
  • (Sam Lloyd) "I lost my hair in the 8th grade."
  • (Neil Flynn) "What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on. You can do this. You went to Harvard, for God's sake."
  • (Troy) "Relax. I figured it out."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Okay -- You gave me a penny -- and -- what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers. Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day; let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof --"
  • (Neil Flynn) "-- there is NOT a toilet on the roof."
  • (Robert Maschio) "But you just said there was."
  • (Neil Flynn) "No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this -- there's a toilet -- on the roof. Am I right, people?"
  • (Robert Maschio) "Cool."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Who're you?"
  • (Neil Flynn) "Just a man with a saw."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine."
  • (Randall) "Burn down her apartment."
  • (Troy) "I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat."
  • (Neil Flynn) "Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys."

Christa Miller as Dan

  • (Dr. Cox) "Jordan. Get out of bed. We have a wedding to go to."
  • (Christa Miller) "Perry, Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty. It's just you and me -- let's take a nap, we'll sleep through the ceremony and then go to the reception."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Can we at least have sex?"
  • (Christa Miller) "Do what you have to, don't wake me."
  • (Woman) "Hi, cutie. Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice."
  • (Christa Miller) "Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley."
  • (Dr. Cox) "Yeah."
  • (Christa Miller) "I don't dislike you, I nothing you."
  • (Zach Braff) "That's special."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You're still here? I thought you'd be gone off continuing on what ever wayward journey your on."
  • (Christa Miller) "I just wanted to say a few things to you, Perry. I've never been much of a good example to my brother -- Johnny will never look up to me, but when I see you two together he hangs on every word you say as if it's his entire world. If you ever let him down you'll answer to me."
  • (Christa Miller) "I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me, Jimmies mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody out to Chucky Cheese."
  • (Dr. Cox) "You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29."
  • (Christa Miller) "My face will never look 40."
  • (Christa Miller) "Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room."
  • (Sarah Chalke) "Chas really cared for me."

Brendan Fraser as Ben

  • (Brendan Fraser) "I think you've got yourself a Christmas card right there."
  • (Christa Miller) "Yeah, you're funny. Look, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?"
  • (Brendan Fraser) "Because I don't like people to see my bum."
  • (Christa Miller) "So wear underwear."
  • (Brendan Fraser) "You know how I feel about underwear."
  • (Christa Miller) "Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear."
  • (Brendan Fraser) "The sweatpants years."
  • (Zach Braff) "I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets."
  • (Brendan Fraser) "Ya know something? You have slept with both of my sisters. So that means that you and I have something in common."
  • (Brendan Fraser) "Hey, JD, my sister, Danni, is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find that Jordan is a little bit more on the lines of teeth and tongue and fangs."

Johnny Kastl as Doug

  • (Johnny Kastl) "I'll have to agree with Chad. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome. This is an awesome wedding and I'm having an awesome time and you two are gonna have an awesome life. Awesome."

Sam Lloyd as Ted

  • (Sam Lloyd) "Yes -- no -- I'm barely here, sir."