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Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic Quotes

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic is a television program that debuted in 1970 . Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic ended in 1970.

It features Heidi Herzon as producer, Liam Lynch in charge of musical score, and Rhet W. Bear as head of cinematography.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic is 72 min. long. Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic is distributed by Roadside Attractions.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic Quotes

  • (Sarah Silverman) "I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece --"
  • (Friend) "So then I said, "Shut up, you stupid twat.""
  • (Friend) "Oh, my God."
  • (Friend) "I know. And then I'm like, Oh, f***, what did I just do? But then the audience loved it. They went nuts, and she looked like an idiot. Like, they were all like, "She is a stupid twat that should shut up.""
  • (Friend) "That's awesome."
  • (Friend) "So it felt really good. So that's on the record."
  • (Friend) "You'll sell, like, so many more copies because you called someone a stupid twat on it."
  • (Friend) "Who knows? I'm just glad I have a record out finally."
  • (Friend) "Oh, that's so good. So good."
  • (Friend) "Rob Zombie's producing it. It's crazy."
  • (Friend) "Wow."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I don't want to be labeled as straight or labeled as gay, you know? I just want people to look at me and see me. You know? As white."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke." Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "You're a star. And I'm a star-f***er."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I'm working on an open letter and it goes like this. Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a f***in' dream, too. I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water -- with braces. So maybe you're not so f***ing special. Martin Loser King. Yeah, I wanna be the first comic ever to s*** on Martin Luther King because people only talk about the good things. They don't mention he was a litterbug. He would roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up while his family suffered -- and he would laugh."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Who cares? Different religions. You know. I mean, I guess the only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby, you gotta figure out how you want to raise your baby or whatever, which wouldn't even, still not be an issue for us. Because we'd be honest, you know, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the Chosen People, and, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic.""
  • (Sarah Silverman) "When God gives you AIDS; and God does give you AIDS, by the way; make lemonAIDS."
  • (Friend) "What's going on with you? What about that pilot?"
  • (Friend) "I got it."
  • (Friend) "Awesome."
  • (Friend) "I know. We're waiting to hear if it gets picked up, but it looks really good. They really like it. It's so much fun."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Awesome. That's so great."
  • (Friend) "And Deckie was in it. Because I brought him to the table read and they needed a dog for one scene, and they were like, "He's perfect.""
  • (Friend) "He is perfect."
  • (Friend) "Yes he is."
  • (Friend) "And then I sold that script to Comedy Central."
  • (Friend) "Oh, the sports thing."
  • (Friend) "The sports show, of all things, I know. I don't even know anything about sports, but, you know. A great concept, I guess."
  • (Friend) "What about, uh, what about you? What's going on? We haven't seen you in a while."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Umm."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "So much."
  • (Friend) "Wow, really?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Yeah, I'm, I'm doing a lot, so."
  • (Friend) "You've been getting out a lot?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I'm, um, actually, I wrote a show."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "She was 96, so obviously I suspect foul play. And I am spending my own money, and I am getting her body exhumed. And I am going to get a full rape exam performed. And I am going to get to the bottom of this. And my parents are not behind me. What else is new? They never are. They don't believe in me. So, they're wrong this time. It sucks for them. Oh God, please let them find semen in my dead grandmother's vagina."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I was raped by a doctor."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "There I go again with my big mouth. / Spouting off like I got something going / I wrote a show; and it's playing tonight? / I'm so full of s***, man, what was I thinking? / I gotta write a show but how'm I gonna do a show / When I don't even have a show to write. / I never wrote a show / But if I ever wrote a show / I bet that all of them would know / And think it bites. / Do you know what? f*** them. / I could write a show. / I could write a show. / I'll just, I'll just do it. / I'll write a show. / All it takes is elbow-grease, and I could write a show / I'll write a show tonight / I hope I do it right. / I could take this mixed-up world and put it in a show. / I'll write a show, all right. / And have it by tonight. / All I need is a theater space / And a bag of weed / And a star. / A star. Great. Good job, Sarah, I'm writing a whole show for tonight; I don't even have a star. / Who's gonna be my star? / She's gotta be pretty and she's gotta be smart / She's gotta be funny and she's gotta be hot. / She's gotta have a perfect smile just like me / I just need a star, but who could it be?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Mm, nah."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Are you kiddin', man?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Sandra Bullock?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "She's gotta be the kind of girl that just blows your mind / She ought to be better than those three twats combined. / She's gotta have a thing that you just can't define. / Whoa. Me. It's me. You're beautiful."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "No. Not like this. All right. I'll do it. / I got what it takes, got what it needs / I'm what a show needs. / I, I'll show 'em all, / Little ol' me, I'm what the world needs. / Hear the train comin', it's comin' for me / I'm goin' to Star Town. / The train's comin', it's comin' for me / I'm gonna be a star now."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin."
  • (Friend) "Hi. Oh my God, you were so great."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Thank you."
  • (Friend) "That was awesome."
  • (Friend) "That was amazing. That was, like, all new material."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Mm."
  • (Friend) "And rape, and AIDS, and the Holocaust, just like you said."
  • (Friend) "Just like you said. It was so --"
  • (Friend) "Cool."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Well."
  • (Friend) "You must be so proud of yourself."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I am."
  • (Friend) "That is so great."
  • (Friend) "Wow, look at this, this is so pretty."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Mm."
  • (Friend) "It's so beautiful. Oh, my God."
  • (Friend) "What a spread."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Do you guys want something?"
  • (Friend) "I'm so hungry, actually. I'm starving."
  • (Friend) "Yeah, I'm dying."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "This is, like, my dinner."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I'm, um, actually, I wrote a show."
  • (Friend) "Oh, wow, cool. Are you shopping it around, or --"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Um, no, it's --"
  • (Friend) "We could probably help you --"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "No, it's doing it. I mean, it's --"
  • (Friend) "It's?"
  • (Friend) "What do you mean?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I mean it's gonna be -- ON. It's a show."
  • (Friend) "On TV?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "No. But it's, actually, it's a, um, it's like a play-slash-movie."
  • (Friend) "Cool."
  • (Friend) "Like in a theater. Like, yeah."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Yeah."
  • (Friend) "That sounds amazing. What is it? What is it about? Are you, like, the star of it? What is it?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "It's about, um, the Holocaust."
  • (Friend) "Ooh."
  • (Friend) "Wow."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Yeah. And, and, AIDS. Kind of a --"
  • (Friend) "AIDS and the Holocaust?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "But it's funny. And it's also, it's a, um, musical."
  • (Friend) "Oh, my God, that sounds exhausting."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I know. It's a real opus, you know?"
  • (Friend) "When are you doing it?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Um; you know what? Tonight. And it's actually tonight, so --"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "-- I'd better skedaddle."
  • (Friend) "Right now?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Yeah. I've got a bunch of stuff to do, pre, uh, pre-pro."
  • (Friend) "But could we come see it?"
  • (Friend) "Yeah."
  • (Friend) "I want to see it."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Ah, s***. It's sold out. It's totally sold out. Every seat. I know. It sucks."
  • (Friend) "What if we just hang backstage and watch from the wings or something?"
  • (Friend) "Yeah. Can't we just -- be backstage?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Ummm."
  • (Friend) "We could just stand by the curtains. We'll be quiet."
  • (Sarah Silverman) "I can't -- think -- why not. Umm --"
  • (Friend) "So, what, will you let us know?"
  • (Sarah Silverman) "Yeah, sure, definitely. I'm psyched, I'm totally psyched. Um, so I'll see you guys tonight."

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